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Posted

I know there are very strong opinions about this, and I know I'm opening myself up for some heat. But I am torn and need to hear thoughts. Here are the facts:

 

- 2.5 year on/off EA with xMOM

 

- During the time EA was full-blown, I exhibited classic cheater signs: guarding my phone, increased text usage, texting in front of H ALL THE TIME, etc. H never once asked who I was talking to. It was almost like he was afraid to ask.

 

- When EA was ending, H and I were discussing friends who had As. Asked him if he'd want to know about an A if I had one. He said he'd want to know about a PA, but wouldn't want to know about an EA if it was over.

 

- Odds of DDay are very slim. All our communication was mostly via text and email, and xMOM deletes religiously. I never contact xMOM because it's over, so no chance of his W accidentally stumbling on a message from me. xMOM sometimes breaks NC, but not often, thank God. Have barely had contact with him for months, so phone records wouldn't reveal much. His phone is a dinosaur, so no smartphone apps for his wife to trace. I don't think she suspects either, or perhaps she's like my H and prefers not to know.

 

So why would I disclose? A few reasons. The things people say here about my H needing to know the truth so that he can make the decision for himself to stay or go really resonates with me. Also, I hate the lies. Even though the actual EA is over, I hate the lies I carry with me every day. I hate the guilt. I want to rebuild my marriage and feels it needs the foundation of truth.

 

But... would I be disclosing just to alleviate my guilt? Hurting him just so I can share my burden of pain? He's made it clear that he wouldn't want to know about an EA if it was over. My focus, love and attention is now on him. Is revealing the EA the ONLY way to rebuild?

Posted

Telling makes you accountable for your choices and actions. Telling will prevent you from making this mistake again in the future (with xMOM or any other man) and you'll learn/grow from this. Hopefully your husband loves you enough to give you a chance to make things right again. To earn his trust in you and rebuild your marriage..Together.

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Posted

Don't make the burden of your guilt the burden of his pain. Learn what you need to learn about yourself and the situation, figure out how to move forward with a new vision of yourself and your commitment to your marriage, and spare your husband the pain.

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Posted (edited)

So why would I disclose? A few reasons. The things people say here about my H needing to know the truth so that he can make the decision for himself to stay or go really resonates with me. Also, I hate the lies. Even though the actual EA is over, I hate the lies I carry with me every day. I hate the guilt. I want to rebuild my marriage and feels it needs the foundation of truth.

 

The above sound like good reasons to me for honesty. Particularly the bolded. I know I could not keep such an important lie up with my own H and have the intimacy and closeness we have. I don't know exactly what you were looking for in your EA, but if it was closeness and intimacy then I think you are more likely to be susceptible to a future A if you keep up the deception with you H. I think deception erodes intimacy.

 

You can't predict what the outcome of being honest will be, but if you really love your H, value your M with him, are willing to do the work to rebuild trust, to build a new M based on honesty, and are able to communicate and show all that to your H, then you have a lot of ingredients for coming out happier and still married to your H.

 

ETA: I don't recall reading any post here from someone who kept up such important deception in their M over the years and had a happy and intimate, close M. A few have said they know of others who did, but I don't recall any first hand account. There are people who kept up the deception and divorced and post here, but that is a different matter.

Edited by woinlove
  • Like 3
Posted

I am sure he doesn't want to know about an EA because the reality is he will not be able to see you the same way again. From what I have noticed not many men want to stay with their wife after an affair. The one thing you have going for you is that it was an EA not a PA. Here is a list of what to expect if you tell him the full truth:

 

1. You will see him cry and ask why.

2. He will rage at you. And in all honesty you will deserve it.

3. Chances are he will ask you to leave.

4. If he allows you stay, any contact from you XMM will definetly end your marriage.

5. He will never fully trust you again. You will never have total privacy.

 

I will say it is better that you confess, then him find out on his own. And from your previous posts chances are he will find out.

 

Also confessing will not lessen the guilt you feel. What you did was wrong on so many levels. But you can apologize and be remorseful. Hopefully your marriage is strong enough to survive. Reconciliation will fall on your shoulders. Be prepared to answer any and all questions. Good Luck.

Posted

I bet your husband already suspects.

Posted

Great topic for IC, as I advised in a past thread IIRC.

 

The key is achieving emotional neutrality regarding the issue, no matter which choice is made, so the focus can be directed to the priority, which is the M.

 

I can't imagine any spouse who brings up the topic of infidelity as actual talking points would not be thinking about it, both before and after such a conversation. I could understand such general conversations (the EA no/PA yes) happening while dating/getting to know without further thought, but while in an ostensibly loving and trusting M, not really.

 

Good luck.

Posted

what you decide to do will tell you a lot about the kind of person you want to be, and what kind of marriage you want to have...

 

you can lie to him ( a lie by omission is still a lie) and pretend everything is fine. He may never outright know the truth...but you will. Do you think that you will be able to push that knowledge down far enough so that it never affects your marriage? Guilt has a way of finding it's way to the surface, often in unexpected and unwanted ways. Then there's the fear of your husband someday finding out the truth from someone other than you...you may feel there is zero chance of that happened, but that potential outcome really is out of your hands...can you live with hat fear?

 

or

 

you can tell him the truth and accept the consequences. It's hard to say exactly what to consequences will be...but if you have enough courage to be honest with him, you may well find that ,after the initial shock at your betrayal has passed, you will be able to use this as a catalyst to build a better, more open and honest marriage than you had before.

 

 

it's all up to you and what type of person you are and want to be...do you want to be an honest person, or do you want dishonesty to be forever between the two of you?

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Posted
I bet your husband already suspects.

 

I think he suspected when it was going on full-blown. Now I am never on my phone. I don't act weird and secretive any more. If he suspected, he probably also suspects it's over.

 

I think he never asked because he didn't want to know the truth. Because, like underwater says, he would never be able to see me the same again. And I don't think he wants to face that. Nor do I, because I don't want to hurt him and because I am a coward.

 

Honestly, I think I would tell him about the EA if it weren't for one thing: He would want to know who xMOM is. He knows xMOM. Knows xMOM's BS. The S would hit the fan in a major way for xMOM's family, too. I'm not sure that it's my place to destroy their family life as well as my own. I think his BS also prefers to keep her head in the sand about it. Do I also have an obligation to bring a world of hurt onto her? Yes, I already opened up that world with the EA. But if those two can move forward without disclosure, and she is happier that way, is it my place to make the disclosure decision for her? Because H would, without a doubt, go straight to xMOM and to his BS.

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Posted
Great topic for IC, as I advised in a past thread IIRC.

 

The key is achieving emotional neutrality regarding the issue, no matter which choice is made, so the focus can be directed to the priority, which is the M.

 

I can't imagine any spouse who brings up the topic of infidelity as actual talking points would not be thinking about it, both before and after such a conversation. I could understand such general conversations (the EA no/PA yes) happening while dating/getting to know without further thought, but while in an ostensibly loving and trusting M, not really.

 

Good luck.

 

You'd be surprised. Before my EA, H and I always talked the ins and outs of everything. Before, during, and after my EA we spent HOURS every single night talking together. We don't watch TV. We don't go off to our respective computers. We engage each other in conversation. When you talk that much, everything is a talking point.

Posted
Don't make the burden of your guilt the burden of his pain. Learn what you need to learn about yourself and the situation, figure out how to move forward with a new vision of yourself and your commitment to your marriage, and spare your husband the pain.

 

I disagree. She'll still feel guilty...probably even moreso...after she discloses the truth to him.

 

That's not the question here. The question is whether or not her H deserves the choice of reconciling the marriage in the light of all of the pertinent information, or does she continue to withold that information from him, forcing him to live a lie?

 

Clearly I say tell.

 

He deserves the right to make an informed decision...to take whatever actions HE may feel are needed to safeguard the marriage to that he feels its worth staying in.

 

Not telling forces him to remain under the pretense that she's been faithful to him.

 

What's always fascinating to me is the division on the "tell vs don't tell" nearly always also mirrors the "bs vs OW/OM" line as well. It's nearly always the BS's saying to tell, and the OW/OM saying not to. Why? Wouldn't those who've been betrayed be in the best position to understand whether or not a potential BS would want to know?

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Posted

I really appreciate everyone's thoughts on this. Truly.

 

I am torn, mostly because I can't decide which is the more selfish action: disclosure or non-disclosure. Frankly, I want to do both of them and my reasoning for both is selfish.

 

Which makes sense. I'm a cheater, so am inherently selfish. But I am trying to change that, so I want to make the least selfish choice here. The one that's best for everyone involved.

Posted

Telling may be a "selfish" choice...but even done selfishly, it still FREES your H from the lies and false pretenses that he's been under for the last couple of years.

 

It gives him choices, options that you are denying him at this point.

 

And as I'd mentioned in your other thread...if your H opts to reconcile, the two of you can provide a united front against MM from contacting you further.

Posted

I think you summed up the reasons to disclose very well on your own:

 

(1) He has a right to make an informed decision about whether to continue with the marriage. I wouldn't take much of what he said he would have wanted into account.

 

(2) You do not personally want to keep up with the lies.

 

(3) Dishonesty will prevent true intimacy from happening. Learn to live and authentic life and you have a great chance at a much happier marriage. It is very encouraging that you have come to this conclusion on your own. You have chosen your husband. Don't sabotage it by having a huge wall between you. When you hesitate to share something, that's when you know you MUST share it. That is what builds intimacy and a true connection. You've taken a hard road to decide that you want this man and this marriage. Have the courage to tell him of your weaknesses so he can embrace and appreciate your vulnerability. Not being vulnerable means keeping that wall. The good news is that by voluntarily disclosing, you literally double your chances of reconciling. Hoping to take it to the grave is a big risk that you'd be taking for the rest of your life (why do that when you know you want to grow this marriage?)

 

I also agree with the other poster that said you will now have a new way to be held accountable for steering clear of the OM. Otherwise he seems to wander in and out of your life and will continue to be a temptation. Do you really want that to happen the next time you hit a valley in your marriage? Disclosure will stop you from indulging this destructive behavior again.

 

You can do this. Find the right time and do it this week. Read the book, How To Help My Spouse Heal from My Affair. It's a quick and straight-forward guide to help you reestablish that foundation you once had.

 

I wish you the best.

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Posted

I have been leaning toward disclosure, especially after xMOM broke NC again (and in a way that was so... desperate).

 

The only thing I need to reconcile is what this will do to the innocent people (BS, kids) in xMOM's life. I feel that by saying "They would want to know" is a way for me to wrongly justify something that is, essentially, selfish on my part (i.e. MY desire for a better M for MYSELF and my H). Any advice there?

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Posted
Why?

 

Because you BOTH are obviously are not done with each other (refer to your other thread about your "on/off" affair & him recently contacting you and you allowing it).

 

You need to have some accountability, which you don't, which is one of the reasons why you spoke to MM.

 

Yeah, perhaps you're right about this. Not that I'm not done, because I am, but that I need accountability.

Posted
I have been leaning toward disclosure, especially after xMOM broke NC again (and in a way that was so... desperate).

 

The only thing I need to reconcile is what this will do to the innocent people (BS, kids) in xMOM's life. I feel that by saying "They would want to know" is a way for me to wrongly justify something that is, essentially, selfish on my part (i.e. MY desire for a better M for MYSELF and my H). Any advice there?

 

Yep.

 

You have a choice. Protect and safeguard YOUR marriage, YOUR family...or his.

 

Seriously. And as a former BS, I can tell you that if you avoid disclosure because you want to protect OM/MM's family...that reads as if you're still placing him as a higher priority than your husband. It will NOT bode well for your marriage if your H finds out on his own.

 

You both gave up any right to claims of "protecting" anyone but yourselves when you embarked on your affair. It's a little late to suddenly NOW start worrying about how his wife will feel.

 

You've ALREADY engaged in behavior that is destructive to both families. Now, all you can do is to try to do what's right in your own marriage. If he doesn't choose to do the same in his...that's no longer your business.

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Posted
I have been leaning toward disclosure, especially after xMOM broke NC again (and in a way that was so... desperate).

 

The only thing I need to reconcile is what this will do to the innocent people (BS, kids) in xMOM's life. I feel that by saying "They would want to know" is a way for me to wrongly justify something that is, essentially, selfish on my part (i.e. MY desire for a better M for MYSELF and my H). Any advice there?

You cannot worry about what will happen to the MOMs marriage. He dug his own grave with your help.

 

Your husband and the MOMs BS deserve the truth. It is time for you to be selfless and come clean. I commend you on your willingness to work on your marriage and hope everything works out in the end for you.

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Posted

Owl, I understand what you're saying. And I agree that it looks as if he's important if I'm trying to safeguard his marriage. I just wish it were so easy...

 

It's not HIS marriage or HIS life I am trying to safeguard. It's HERS and the children. I've already betrayed her (someone I would consider a quasi-friend, and, sadly enough, someone who is also a family member of mine).

 

I also agree that it's a little late now to start worrying about the damage I am causing to his family. But I'm not sure that gives me the right to add MORE damage to them. They are dysfunctional as all get out anyway... all of them on psych meds (adults and kids). I can't imagine what knowledge of this betrayal would do to them.

 

If I could disclose to H without hurting xMOM's family, I would. But I also believe that with disclosure comes full honesty, and I would not be able to keep xMOM's identity a secret.

Posted
I have been leaning toward disclosure, especially after xMOM broke NC again (and in a way that was so... desperate).

 

The only thing I need to reconcile is what this will do to the innocent people (BS, kids) in xMOM's life. I feel that by saying "They would want to know" is a way for me to wrongly justify something that is, essentially, selfish on my part (i.e. MY desire for a better M for MYSELF and my H). Any advice there?

 

It may not do anything to XMM's marriage and kids. It would be up to you and your H to decide about disclosing it. It's most certainly possible that your H would want to disclose to help prevent a reoccurence or because he will sympathize with the other BS and feel that she deserves to know.

 

Honestly, she does deserve to know. It's not selfish for you to disclose to your H and it would be good for the other BS to know the truth (if it were to come out). You're thinking about it a bit backwards and that's pretty normal coming from the position of havin mentally justified all this subterfuge for a long time. Owl is also right about your concerns for protecting the OM. Stop doing that. Focus on your own marriage.

Posted

Should you? I don't know.

 

If I were you, I wouldn't. You are trying to make yourself feel better. Your H told you himself he wouldn't want to know. Go with what he wants, keep strict NC, go to IC to deal with your guilt.

 

If you are set in not resuming the A, nothing good will come out of telling your H. Consider your torment the price to pay and let all the people involved carry on.

Posted
Should you? I don't know.

 

If I were you, I wouldn't. You are trying to make yourself feel better. Your H told you himself he wouldn't want to know. Go with what he wants, keep strict NC, go to IC to deal with your guilt.

 

If you are set in not resuming the A, nothing good will come out of telling your H. Consider your torment the price to pay and let all the people involved carry on.

 

This is great in theory but not in practice. Her marriage will forever be a sham and she will forever be a liar. This is not a good outcome. You cannot go around this situation. You must go through it. The consequences are the ones that you need to pay. Respect your husband enough to stop controlling what he gets to know and let him drive the bus for a while. Humble yourself and let the chips fall where they may.

 

As for the other BS, she has a knife in her back that you helped put there but she doesn't know about it because her husband has her doped up enough not to feel it. She is bleeding out. The selfish thing is to run and hide. The unselfish thing is to admit what you've done so that she can pull the damn knife out and start to heal.

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Posted

Your view is great in theory, but not in practice.

 

We'll never agree, and she can make her own choices. This OP/BS opposition is not unlike a political split. We view life differently.

Posted

OP, since you're apparently not going to disclose right now, how about taking the middle ground of black hole NC? Block his number/e-mail or simply trash all contact without reading/listening. I understand that he is apparently an in-law/family member but it appears you can avoid contact either way until you make a decision regarding disclosure. Disclosing would likely make no contact more of a priority, but I'm hearing you're not ready for that yet. Try something you are ready for. No conversation; just make like a hole in the water and disappear.

Posted

My father, a BS, when I discussed my affair with him said don't tell. But that may be tied to the specifics in my situation.

 

What does your gut tell you? Go with your gut.

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