3 years {UK/America}, is it time to say good-bye?

[love4vintage]

Brace yourself......... my apologies for the long story. Any advice/stories are greatly appreciated.

 

26 y.o. female here.

 

In 2009 I traveled to Liverpool, United Kingdom to attend a football match with a female friend of mine whose family still lives there. I met a male friend of hers that night at a family BBQ, very quiet and polite guy, and by day 7 we were completely head over heels for one another.

 

We've been back and forth for 3 1/2 years now. We have our rough patches but we still adore each other, and have stayed 100% committed to each other, day in and day out for over 3 years.

 

I had to come back home a week later but he visited me at the end of 2009 for my birthday. I flew there 2 times in 2010 and we haven't seen each other since. We weren't financially prepared for a LD relationship, neither one of us. If we had the money we'd be living together already, he'd be here with me in America. But we just can't seem to get things going!

 

He lost his job earlier this year and has been trying desperately to find a new one but with no luck whatsoever. He is 26, hadn't been with a girl in 4-5 years, isn't a romantic, could never be bothered with relationships because of the drama {which he doesn't have with me}, amazing taste in music and films, is old-fashioned.... but still very immature at times. Before I came into his life he spent most of his days drinking or hanging out at friends houses.

 

The cons? He is probably the most negative person i've ever met, haha.. and i'm the complete opposite really. I'm happy-go-lucky for the most part. I love being happy, always looking on the bright side. I know part of our arguing comes from the fact that we can't be together, we had tiffs in person but nothing compared to the {very silly} fights we have over the phone/Skype/chat... and his lack of motivation isn't helping matters. He was never interested in relationship and is {still} having a hard time getting over that.

 

It's going to be a long while before we can really make this work, especially since he doesn't have much of an income right now. Before he lost his job he had plans to come here in December of this year and then I was going to visit him next March on his birthday {2013}, but I don't know how much longer I can take being in a LD relationship....... yet I could never see myself being with anyone else. He is my life, every day. I adore him, more than I ever thought was possible. I feel safe with him and i've never had that before, very hard to find.

 

..... but is it time to say good-bye? Will this back and forth ever end? How do I end it? Do we stay friends or do I stop all contact all-together?

 

He's so negative and it scares me. I don't feel that he has the patience to make this work, he seems okay with going back and forth for the rest of our lives. No. Way, can I do that!

 

He left me a Voicemail last night that said:

"I love you with all of my being, but i'm just not a romantic, i'm a negative person {product of my environment} and i'm never going to change. You need better, I want you to have better. I worry about losing you every second of every day and that's causing me to push you away and I am never going to change. I don't want to break your heart. I should just keep doing what I was doing before you came along, watch tv, drink beer and be miserable. I don't think I can handle being in a relationship anymore. I don't know.............. lets talk. I love you."

 

If he would've said that last year I would've told him how silly he was and tried desperately to make him see the light, but the first thing I thought was, "this is the time to end it".

 

I'm wondering now if he's right. Are we just two completely different people? I thought at first it was a good thing, he helped me see that I was a tad too nice and let people walk all over me and I made him see that life doesn't have to be so dreary day in and day out........... but now I don't know. We have so much in common and we can't see ourselves being with anyone else but I don't think that's enough anymore.

 

It's scary, I {am} only 26, but I know ME better than anyone else, and I know it will take me so long to get over this man, if ever. And I just don't know what to say....... I love him. I love his family and his friends. I believe he is better than that, he's intelligent and, oh so handsome. If we end it I know I will spend the rest of my life wondering what happened, wondering if he ever made it out of that city alive.

 

Now what? What do I say when I call him back tomorrow?

 

Someone out there, please, say something.... anything. Do you have any advice?

Edited September 18, 2012 by love4vintage
Forgot to add more details.

[justwhoiam]

Your post is a bit confusing, you first say "no drama", but that you talk of continuous silly fights and he's negative, and you both don't see the end of the tunnel... I guess there's more drama involved than you think.

 

Anyway, what would I do if I were you? If I were really, really sure he's the man I want, and IF he PROMISES he'll be a good husband, I'd arrange the wedding. He would move where you live (after all, he ain't got a job anymore). You'd start living together, I guess you don't live under a bridge, do you? That's it.

 

So what I would ask during the call is how serious he is. I need someone to give me strength and who can assure me he'll be there for me and support me. If he keeps saying he's not gonna change, and take it or leave it, then let him go. I'm sure you don't want to have a kid at home as a husband. Also, living together needs flexibility.

 

So that's all you need to know. How much he's willing to invest. He might be scared at the thought of a relationship. In that case, give the both of you a couple of months of cohabitation before getting married. He will surely know if he's fine around you and your habits/way of living.

 

26 is a good age for a turn in your life. So go for it.

[love4vintage]

Your post is a bit confusing, you first say "no drama", but that you talk of continuous silly fights and he's negative, and you both don't see the end of the tunnel... I guess there's more drama involved than you think.

 

Anyway, what would I do if I were you? If I were really, really sure he's the man I want, and IF he PROMISES he'll be a good husband, I'd arrange the wedding. He would move where you live (after all, he ain't got a job anymore). You'd start living together, I guess you don't live under a bridge, do you? That's it.

 

So what I would ask during the call is how serious he is. I need someone to give me strength and who can assure me he'll be there for me and support me. If he keeps saying he's not gonna change, and take it or leave it, then let him go. I'm sure you don't want to have a kid at home as a husband. Also, living together needs flexibility.

 

So that's all you need to know. How much he's willing to invest. He might be scared at the thought of a relationship. In that case, give the both of you a couple of months of cohabitation before getting married. He will surely know if he's fine around you and your habits/way of living.

 

26 is a good age for a turn in your life. So go for it.

 

 

I greatly appreciate your response. When I said drama, I didn't mean that we don't have arguments, every couple has their arguments. I just meant i'm not a dramatic person, I don't cheat, I don't raise hell, I don't manipulate people, etc etc.

[I'm nuts]

Why not look for a job in the UK? He isn't going to go to the US and work, as I believe it's pretty hard for a Brit to work in the US whereas the UK lets everyone in , it really is the only solution, long distance relationships are the hardest thing in the world because once the realities kick in it is almost impossible for them to work, maybe language differences, cultures, work, living away from friends and family, not easy.

[love4vintage]

Why not look for a job in the UK? He isn't going to go to the US and work' date=' as I believe it's pretty hard for a Brit to work in the US whereas the UK lets everyone in , it really is the only solution, long distance relationships are the hardest thing in the world because once the realities kick in it is almost impossible for them to work, maybe language differences, cultures, work, living away from friends and family, not easy.[/quote']

 

We spoke about this on many occasions, but he desperately wants to come here. He wants out of the United Kingdom, he doesn't really want me to come there to be honest. I currently live in a nice 3 bedroom home, attached garage, fenced yard for my dogs {under $1000/month}, I live close to work, i'm taking Conservation classes, my mom and grandmother are having health issues, my doctors are here.. so it would be best if he came here. I know it's not unheard of but where do we start. That's why we wanted to go ahead and just get married, we assumed that'd be the best way to get him here.

I assume that I would have to start classes at Uni to be able to live there?

[I'm nuts]

I was under the impression that in the US they make it as hard as possible to get a green card? and be able to work there, the laws are much tougher in the US than what they are in the UK, you would need to check your laws, maybe if you are married it is easier.

 

The UK is/was easier even though right now it would be tough due to the economy. I really think it is your next step or otherwise it is all pointless, moving to another country is a big adjustment even though Brits and Americans speak the same language culturally we are miles apart and he would need to adjust to that, it's OK at first but after a while you start to miss things about your home country and you get desires to go home, but what if your partner doesn't want to?

 

It's nice to have long distance relationships and meet different people from different countries and cultures but once realities and serious issues such as marriage, where to live, what cultures come in to play a wall starts to build in front of your eyes. It really needs something quite special to make it work and to keep both parties happy in the future, short term it might work out but long term is a different matter, you really need to ask him so very hard and deep questions.