Leigh 87 Posted September 18, 2012 Posted September 18, 2012 I am scared to give advice to my friend, because some of the advice and ideas I have when it comes to relationships are obviously flawed. .... What's more, I am pretty good friends with both people involved, and the guy is very much the same as my own partner; who does appear to really love his partner, yet does things to disprove it when it is explained to people who do not know him. Please can some of you take the time to read this! I am really torn as to what advice to give this poor girl. Here is the story, (which I have already posted but have re visited due to a text message that was found on his phone, back from before, but one that this girl had not yet seen and has deaply hurt her.....) My mate caught her long term partner of about two years on dating websites; she read all the convo's he had with girls before he knew she had done it, and it was all innoccuous; he never met any, and never brought it up once they asked to meet him. One message was sent to his phone, where he roll played with a girl from the dating website. Telling him about what they would do to each other. His partner saw it, and packed her things and left his house crying. He was devastated, and is totally convinced that he loves her, and does not want other girls, and simply enjoys the thrill of sexy chat. I am good mates with him, and he is convinced that he loves this girl a whole lot. So even if he does not love her, he 100% THINKS he does. My delima is: contrary to the online chit chat to girls, it is obvious from his actions in real life that he would never cheat and really loves her. I am good friends with this guy and knew him before he met this girl. He is genuine and would never cheat on a girl. In fact, he never bothered much with relationships ( much like my own parnter!) UNLESS he was so into the girl, that he did not WANT to cheat. He is really against cheating and firmly believes there is no point being with a girl if your going to cheat. What strikes me as genuine from his part is, that like my own partner, he hates doing oral on girls unless he loves them; in fact, he is downright lazy in bed and only bothers with ANY forplay on the first few times with a girl. The sexy message he sent to the girl on his phone said how he wanted to do things to her that he does not actually enjoy in real life. He told me the girl he roll played with was ugly and he was freaked out by the roll play and highly embarrassed he participated in it. He looked really embarrassed that his girlfriend had read the conversation and was ashamed of himself. Obviously he did it because he wanted to, but he did not sound as though he was that excited by it all. I think he loves her, but if my partner did it to me, my natural reaction would be to leave him; because if it was supposed to be, it would one day. True love never dies in my opinion. So this is a mess! JUST like with me, HER partner is telling her how much he loves her, and then goes and does things that NOT MANY guy sin love WOULD do to their partners! Which is the same with my own partner, only his crime was to have sex with hookers when I told him to. So far I have refrained from talking to her about it, and have only discossed it with the guy. My partner is also friends with him and thinks this guy really loves his girlfriend too. But the again we allowed hookers into our own relationship, so what do we know about love?
Author Leigh 87 Posted September 18, 2012 Author Posted September 18, 2012 hmm I was just texting her then they both want to see each other SO badly apparently, but she will not give in and get back together with him at this stage. It is killing her partner I feel so bad for him even though he deserves it and did the wrong thing... I can tell he will not get over her anytime soon.
ascendotum Posted September 18, 2012 Posted September 18, 2012 If I caught my gf on a dating site chatting up guys I'd think the worst and boot her. This guy was not just engaging in getting to know you type talk, but had ramped it up to dirty talk level, and to top it off was talking about doing wilder stuff than he does not do for his gf. That's like rubbing salt into the wounds. He gave out his mobile number to the girls. I don't call all that , innocuous. Role playing. lol. If he got sprung with a woman in bed he could say he was role playing to master some new tricks he was learning to please his gf. He very likely could love his gf as a person and for the security she represents but I'd guess he also wants some new pussy. He knows you are good friends with his gf, and is trying his best to salvage his reputation and have you as an ally to help support that he is good guy that just made a error of judgement. Even if he was not excited by it (so he says) and is normally a decent guy...he f***ed up. You could pretty much explain things to your friend as you have written here, but don't leave out..."if my partner did it to me, my natural reaction would be to leave him" Its up to him to convince her. 1
Author Leigh 87 Posted September 18, 2012 Author Posted September 18, 2012 The thing is, I am closer to him than I am with her, albiet not so much now. I am really put off people who pocess that quality that he displayed:sick: I also agree she should stay away from him. And if he is that crazy about her truly and does not want the other girls, then he will refrain from sex with other girls and try to get her back for a long time. I do not believe guys who are really in love can forget it for a LONG time. I think if it is true love, he will not go anywhere. And he does do those things to his partner - he just hates doing them to other girls. He has only gone down on his one girlfriend to be exact, because he is seriously NOT into it. Unless he is in love. JUST the same as my boyfriend feels, so they are two of a kind there and it is not uncommon for men to hate oral sex with MOSt girls, and to only love it with hot model types or girls they actually love. ... I am just not sure what to make of it, I know it sounds silly but I have followed their relatioship thanks to being around them a lot of the time ( every weekend basically), and therefore it is hard to watch it come to an end, just like on a stupid soap opera when relationships end haha.
Author Leigh 87 Posted September 18, 2012 Author Posted September 18, 2012 He just is not a guy I would suspect as a cheater. Just no. He acts like he really loves this girl. It is illogical, but while 95% of men who sext girls and have sexy chat on dating sites would NOT be into their real life partner, there are a small miniroty of men who could very well love their partners to the greatest extent possible for them; yet still enjoy harmless sexy chat to random girls. Could I be right? 5% of men love their girlfriends but are stupid enough to sexy talk with other girls they have no intention of meeting?
ascendotum Posted September 18, 2012 Posted September 18, 2012 I'm sure there are guys out there that could do the sexy talk with other girls they have no intention of meeting. I couldn't hazard a % though. It would just be another form of flirting, getting validation that other girls desire them. Its pretty damn reckless though to do it with a date site on a shared PC. I would expect it would be more married men who would be bored with the relationship and would get off on just sexting.
Els Posted September 18, 2012 Posted September 18, 2012 I agree that she should leave. This is not the same as both of you willingly allowing hookers into your R (which I wouldn't personally do but I completely respect your decision to do). Both of you acted with full consent and knowledge of the other. Your friend presumably kept his gf in the dark about it; there was no mutual agreement or consent. THAT is the crux of cheating. It is the betrayal and hiding and lies, as much as the actual infidelity (of which sexting is probably debatable). It doesn't even matter whether or not he would have or has had sex IRL with the other woman. 1
Author Leigh 87 Posted September 18, 2012 Author Posted September 18, 2012 I agree that she should leave. This is not the same as both of you willingly allowing hookers into your R (which I wouldn't personally do but I completely respect your decision to do). Both of you acted with full consent and knowledge of the other. Your friend presumably kept his gf in the dark about it; there was no mutual agreement or consent. THAT is the crux of cheating. It is the betrayal and hiding and lies, as much as the actual infidelity (of which sexting is probably debatable). It doesn't even matter whether or not he would have or has had sex IRL with the other woman. Thanks for respecting my desision; many women don't despect me for it. They pitty be because they think I must be with a man who is not into me or in love with me. I no longer let him see hookers, and he came to that conclusion on his own accord anyway. I am much happier to be 100% monogomus. And my friends cannot let each other go. They just have a really, really big love (for each other). Judging from his character, I do not think he did it because he did not love her enough to be satisfied with her; they both talk to me about how much they love their sex lives. They sound reslly satisfied in that department; when they are out sometimes, they do things in public for thrills, even after two years they are having as much fun with the sex life than ever. I really feel for both parties involved, as they are both extremely hung up on each other. I doubt they will break up for good. They just have a : connection" they have felt since the day they met. I feel really bad for them because I feel the same way about my partner - that we had a connection from day 1 that we could never shake even when we broke up. I have always been right with people in terms of their character and level of integrity; I sense when person is up to now good, I have never been wrong so far. I Just do not sense that this guy would cheat or even remotely want to cheat on this girl. She is really unique and no one would really compare to what they have together.
Author Leigh 87 Posted September 18, 2012 Author Posted September 18, 2012 But yeah I have supported her desision to leave him, even though I think they are mean to be together. He can learn his lesson and change his ways if he is truly in love with her, which I think he is. I always ask myself " would the guy in question act differently if he was truly in love, or are his actions just a reflection of him" I honestly think it is just him. I do not think he would love another girl more, and therefore not do it, if she did not find out like this poor girl did... But on a side note LOL..... She went onto his dating profile ( guessed his password, it was the name of his dog and the one he always uses for everything) and "tampered" with his dating profile... You know, she went into his profile and wrote that he is seeking "men" and that he has a flatulence problem and all sorts of disgusting stuff...!!!!!!!!!!!! We are both immature in some ways and love a good fart joke so we are both laughing out loud haha. Hmm so I am supporting her desision to leave him, yet still secretly holding out hope they reconcile:o:( I hope he has learnt his lesson. He is not accepting it is the end, he is convinced she is the love of his life, and that he is just a silly idiot who liked to talk to girls.
Sage45 Posted September 18, 2012 Posted September 18, 2012 Totally up to her...but for me I'd have a problem with a guy who leads girls on like this. Chatting it up and talking all sexy with no intention of following through could be deceptive and cruel if this other gal thinks he's into her. I'd question my relationship if my guy had a habit of saying what he doesn't mean and showering attention on women towards whom he has no interest or attraction. How can he be trusted when he's basically admitting he's dishonest and manipulative when relating to women? It's a common reaction for a cheater to downplay the importance of his plaything once found out...but my guess is that the plaything was told something quite different. 1
Yookie Posted September 18, 2012 Posted September 18, 2012 Totally up to her...but for me I'd have a problem with a guy who leads girls on like this. Chatting it up and talking all sexy with no intention of following through could be deceptive and cruel if this other gal thinks he's into her. I'd question my relationship if my guy had a habit of saying what he doesn't mean and showering attention on women towards whom he has no interest or attraction. How can he be trusted when he's basically admitting he's dishonest and manipulative when relating to women? It's a common reaction for a cheater to downplay the importance of his plaything once found out...but my guess is that the plaything was told something quite different. Yes, yes and hell yes! Spot on!
Author Leigh 87 Posted September 18, 2012 Author Posted September 18, 2012 Totally up to her...but for me I'd have a problem with a guy who leads girls on like this. Chatting it up and talking all sexy with no intention of following through could be deceptive and cruel if this other gal thinks he's into her. I'd question my relationship if my guy had a habit of saying what he doesn't mean and showering attention on women towards whom he has no interest or attraction. How can he be trusted when he's basically admitting he's dishonest and manipulative when relating to women? It's a common reaction for a cheater to downplay the importance of his plaything once found out...but my guess is that the plaything was told something quite different. He really did not even stop to think about the "other" girls feelings. To him, he was just bored and enjoyed talking to them. He was there for himself, not to meet other girls to date. He says he could not give a sh*t about any of them, he never lead them on either; just chatted to them about their hobbies, interests, and talked dirty to a few. Only one or two even asked to meet him. He got quiet irritated when I mention him dissapointing them. He just sounded like he was all about his girlfriend, and other girls were just a stupid burden if they wanted anything besides chatting. I actually am rooting for them to get back together, but I DO think she should have left. I think he if changes all will be good. He acts like he has no issue with never talking to other girls again online, so we shall see hw he goes about getting her back. They are both utterly miserable without each other and it is obvious they need each other to be optimally happy. I can see them getting on with their lives sure, but even after months I cannot see their love/feelings budging.
Mme. Chaucer Posted September 18, 2012 Posted September 18, 2012 The guy sounds like a weak creep and I think she is much better off without him. It's not about cheating and whether this means he will or won't. It's about boundaries and what "love" and "relationship" mean to the people involved. That said, though; a person with really sloppy boundaries like this would be a prime candidate for ultimately cheating. You know - people in successful relationships are always aware of potential dangers and they take care, of their own volition, to avoid dicey situations. This assclown seeks them out. 1
ImperfectionisBeauty Posted September 18, 2012 Posted September 18, 2012 Sometimes people just need release, I sexted a guy in a relationship and we never did anything other than sext. I think if he didn't technically cheat then.. she should consider going back I mean 2 years is a long time to just throw away.
Author Leigh 87 Posted September 19, 2012 Author Posted September 19, 2012 The guy sounds like a weak creep and I think she is much better off without him. It's not about cheating and whether this means he will or won't. It's about boundaries and what "love" and "relationship" mean to the people involved. That said, though; a person with really sloppy boundaries like this would be a prime candidate for ultimately cheating. You know - people in successful relationships are always aware of potential dangers and they take care, of their own volition, to avoid dicey situations. This assclown seeks them out. I also think that if a guy is really in love with a girl, he would not need or want to sext other women... On those grounds I would leave my partner if it were me, however my question is: what if he DOES truly love this girl as much as he CAN love any girl. What if it is HIM that is a selfish idiot, and NOT the fact he was not in love with her enough, so as to need to seek other girls out? He tells me he wants to grow old with this girl and would be there for her no matter what. He does not sound like he lacks any love for her, unless he is a REALLY good actor...
LittlePrince Posted September 19, 2012 Posted September 19, 2012 the guy is very much the same as my own partner; who does appear to really love his partner, yet does things to disprove it when it is explained to people who do not know him. Women who can't take a hint or see the red flags. Next time on Oprah.
Author Leigh 87 Posted September 19, 2012 Author Posted September 19, 2012 I guess what I am trying to ask you ' all is: Do ALL men do these sort of things to girls because they are not into them and do not truly love them ( and therefore feel like talking dirty to other girls). OR.. Are there rare accurances where the guy DOES truly love the girl, but is simply a selfish loser who just wantes to " talk" and only " talk" with new girls, to get that thrill of being sexy with a new person albiet without the physical sex. My own parter was able to have sex with hookers, where as most men cannot do that with a girl they trul love; my partner acts and claims to love me VERY much, so I wonder if it is really that black and white
Author Leigh 87 Posted September 19, 2012 Author Posted September 19, 2012 Women who can't take a hint or see the red flags. Next time on Oprah. But not all humans are wired the same way. Who can prove that it is not possible for a guy to talk dirty to girls, while still being truly in love with his current girlfriend? I just want to give him the benifit of the doubt. Maybe he does truly love her, but is an idiot?
LittlePrince Posted September 19, 2012 Posted September 19, 2012 But not all humans are wired the same way. Who can prove that it is not possible for a guy to talk dirty to girls, while still being truly in love with his current girlfriend? I just want to give him the benifit of the doubt. Maybe he does truly love her, but is an idiot? The benefits of settling for less. Next time on Oprah.
Author Leigh 87 Posted September 19, 2012 Author Posted September 19, 2012 The benefits of settling for less. Next time on Oprah. But how can anyone be sure that this guy loves her less than another guy could?
LittlePrince Posted September 19, 2012 Posted September 19, 2012 But how can anyone be sure that this guy loves her less than another guy could? If he can't control himself for her then why are we calling this love? It is the typical cliche nonsense of a girl making excuses for a guy that no girl should want to date, but is always able to find a sucker so in the end the girl just doesn't want to lose the trash to the next sucker. It is like emaciated, mangy junkyard dogs fighting over rotting meat. Maybe you should pay closer attention to what you are trying so hard to keep. At the end of the day, no matter what is said these girls will never leave their masters.
Author Leigh 87 Posted September 19, 2012 Author Posted September 19, 2012 But how do we know it is not love? And how do you know he cannot control himself? I told her that based on how he acts, he appears to love her very much. Also, he has told her that he could not care less if he never talks dirty to another girl again; that it was a bit of fun and to please give him a chance to show her that he does not want to do it again. ...I guess what I am getting at is: against all odds, can a guy really love a girl, even if he does something like this, that NORMALLY means he is not into a girl?
Author Leigh 87 Posted September 19, 2012 Author Posted September 19, 2012 I hate giving relationship advice to my friends when it is of a serious nature, and am trying so hard to avoid the topic with this girl. I cannot just tell her " oh, he is obviously not truly into you, or he would not dirty talk with other girls"... Because I do not THINK he does not love her. To me, it LOOKS as though he really loves her, and it is HIM and not his love for HER that caused this issue. At the same time I think she should leave him, and wait to see if he changes. You know, if after half a year he is still in love with her and is still desperate tp show he has changed.
LittlePrince Posted September 19, 2012 Posted September 19, 2012 But how do we know it is not love? And how do you know he cannot control himself? If he was in love he wouldn't have done it in the first place.
guesswho123 Posted September 19, 2012 Posted September 19, 2012 I think what this poster is saying is how do you know that this guy intended to even meet the girls he spoke to? What if there are some guys out there who actually do these terrible things while still loving their girlfriend I once loved a girl as much as I could but I fVked up. I had a thing for sending dirty texts to girls. I have been with many women and know what love is. It is possible to really love a girl and like sexy talks with others.
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