How long to get over feelings from an affair - posted by BS

[waterwoman]

Hoping someone from 'the other side' can help me.

 

I am BS - H had an emotional affair with co-worker. It was borderline physical but stopped short of actual intercourse.

 

Ended in June when I found texts. DH ended it completely and went NC. I didn't see the texts he sent to end it or hear the conversation but he tells me it was terse and to the point. He has done a lot to help me to heal - he is loving, attentive, remorseful, we have talked and talked and he has been very honest. He wants to stay with me. I want him to stay with me. We have had periods when our relationship has been better than it has for years.

 

Married for 20 years this october. Been OK through all the normal sh*t that life throws at us. Yes, things might have been a bit difficult recently - I suffer from depression - but I still felt that the love was strong. But I can't help feeling that OW is now an unattainable fantasy to H. He has to see her at work but they don't need to have direct contact and they don't seek each other out.

 

Here's my problem... I can't help peeling the scab of his feelings for her . And being honest he can't tell me he doesn't still love her. It breaks my heart all over again. Every big blow up we've had has been because of this. I have finally taken off my wedding ring and told him when he can tell me he is free of her, when I am the only one he loves, I will wear a ring again, a new one for a new marriage.

 

I can see he is in turmoil - i don't want to be cruel to him, but I need to have some control. I can't just sit there waiting for him to sort his head out and let him think I don't mind and he can continue to cherish his lost love in his heart. How long will it take? Is there anything else I can do to help him?

 

I never thought I could hurt so much.

 

Thanks

[sleepie]

I am very sorry that you're going through this.

 

I don't think anyone can give you a real answer to your question. It depends on so many factors: how long was the EA, how deeply did he feel for his OW, what type of man he is, etc. I can say that most As take a little while to move past, and there's often a real grieving period after it ends. This grieving period may be days, weeks, or months (or in extreme cases, years) depending on the depth of his feelings for his OW and what type of man he is.

 

To a certain extent, the DDay may make it more difficult for him to let go of his OW. Although not true in every case, sometimes having to end the A in the middle of its height makes the grieving harder. For myself, my EA ran its course. xMOM and I were together long enough that we started to see each other's "warts." The bloom of infatuation had fallen off the rose, making it easier for both of us to move on.

 

Some people are over their OW/OM within days, thankful to have dodged the bullet of the "wrong person." Others pine for weeks or months. And some pine for years or maybe forever. I've heard people say that it takes one week of grieving for every one month the relationship lasted, and this seems to be a good rule of thumb.

 

Although I've never been a BS, I think you made the right choice by taking off your ring and telling him you'll wear a new one for a new marriage when you're the only love in his life. To me, this sounds like an excellent way to gauge his feelings, as well as a good way for you both to begin anew when he's ready.

 

It's a bummer that the BS so often feels like THEY are the ones that have to do the work to rebuild the marriage. The WS gets to wallow in their grief and emotions, while maybe being attentive to the BS. But the BS does plenty of work and grieving and agonizing of their own, and it hardly seems fair, since they were the one who was betrayed.

 

Take heart. It will get better if you're both dedicated to your M. If I had had a DDay, and my H had decided to reconcile, I would have gone NC instantly and then I would have grieved. And to H, it would have looked like I still loved xMOM. And maybe I would have for a little while. But eventually, as my marriage improved and distance helped me gain perspective, I would have realized that my heart really wanted my H and my M only, and not my AP.

[cocorico]

Hoping someone from 'the other side' can help me.

 

I am BS - H had an emotional affair with co-worker. It was borderline physical but stopped short of actual intercourse.

 

Ended in June when I found texts. DH ended it completely and went NC. I didn't see the texts he sent to end it or hear the conversation but he tells me it was terse and to the point. He has done a lot to help me to heal - he is loving, attentive, remorseful, we have talked and talked and he has been very honest. He wants to stay with me. I want him to stay with me. We have had periods when our relationship has been better than it has for years.

 

Married for 20 years this october. Been OK through all the normal sh*t that life throws at us. Yes, things might have been a bit difficult recently - I suffer from depression - but I still felt that the love was strong. But I can't help feeling that OW is now an unattainable fantasy to H. He has to see her at work but they don't need to have direct contact and they don't seek each other out.

 

Here's my problem... I can't help peeling the scab of his feelings for her . And being honest he can't tell me he doesn't still love her. It breaks my heart all over again. Every big blow up we've had has been because of this. I have finally taken off my wedding ring and told him when he can tell me he is free of her, when I am the only one he loves, I will wear a ring again, a new one for a new marriage.

 

I can see he is in turmoil - i don't want to be cruel to him, but I need to have some control. I can't just sit there waiting for him to sort his head out and let him think I don't mind and he can continue to cherish his lost love in his heart. How long will it take? Is there anything else I can do to help him?

 

I never thought I could hurt so much.

 

Thanks

 

WW it sounds really difficult for you, and really disempowering to have to watch and wait. Perhaps similar to what some OWs go through watching and waiting while their lover works through feelings to be able to commit fully, one way or another. Either way it is not an enviable position and I wish you strength in dealing with it.

 

I don't want to sound as if I am further disempowering you, but there is little you can do to sort his head out. He has made his choice, insofar as he was able, but in reality it is much more complex. He could lie to you and pretend it was all forgotten but he is sharing honestly with you where his head is. Whenever I read here about people advised to "push him off the fence" my blood goes cold because I think of situations like this. If someone is not ready to make the call they may go through the motions but their feelings may still be unresolved. Because the R had not run its course he may find himself left in a no man's land trying to reorient ate himself and that may take a while. It is not a reflection on how he feels about you or the M. It is how he feels about her and the R that he needs to resolve, now that it is so abruptly over. And for it to be sustainably over, rather than simply driven underground, he needs to work through that unfinished business properly.

 

He may find it difficult to speak to you about it, knowing how hurtful it must be to you, yet speaking about it to someone will almost certainly help. Does he have a close friend or a counsellor who can allow him this space to work through the loss and move on?

 

And while you are supporting him in getting through this and over his R, are you getting your own support? While he's working through his unfinished business, however long that takes, you need not wait passively by. Seize your M and turn it into the M you want it to be. If you want him do do more fun things with you, put that in place. Or go out together more. Speak more. Whatever you feel may be missing from your M *for you* so that this is not all about his R and his recovery from that, but an opportunity to make the M better for both of you.

[waterwoman]

For your responses. I was a bit nervous of posting here but you have both been so kind.

 

The EA was at least 6 m - I think it was building up before that too but H isn't sure.

 

I do feel like we are both working at the M. Spending a lot more time together, making love a lot more, talking about the A and our R. I have accepted that he had the A, but we were both responsible for the slightly tired state of our marriage. It's been good in a way. I joke about thanking the OW for giving our marriage a shot in the arm but I'm not sure she's see the humour.....

 

But it still feels like she's part of the relationship - the silent secret part.

I guess it's just a question of waiting and being patient and enjoying what we have. But my goodness it's hard.

[William]

As an advisory from moderation, the thread starter is receiving inadvertent auto-moderation of postings unrelated to their participation so replies may be delayed. Please re-read the thread for most recent information and response. Thanks.

[Got it]

waterwoman - sorry for your struggles. I do think taking off the ring was the right idea.

 

I am of a couple minds on this. One, grieving does take some amount of time. It just does. But that doesn't mean that you need to be party to it. You can still have boundaries down for yourself and what you want to see in regards to progress. Have you tried couples counseling? That might help you two work through this.

 

I think he needs to take some time and figure out what he wants. You are right, you shouldn't have to wait for him to come around. If he wants you then he needs to put his actions into that. IC may be a good place for him to start.

 

I don't think it is a good idea for your healing to ask if he still has feelings for her as it seems like a way to make sure you get hit in the face. Focus on you, focus on you and he, and go from there.

 

I am sorry for the pain you are in, it sounds like you guys are making some good leeway into your healing. I say this to any woman, if a guy wants you he should move heaven and earth to show you. So lay out your expectations and make sure you have your boundaries in place. You are a priceless gift, don't forget it!

[veryhappy]

I'm sorry you are going through this. Most of us on the other side feel sorry for the pain we cause.

 

Both of you are doing really well considering how recent this was, and you'll likely end up in the "better than ever after an A" category.

 

A few silver linings to consider:

- he wasn't ambivalent about who to choose; be chose you and he's committed to being with you

- I know women hurt for the emotional more than the physical, but for a man it's the opposite, and if he stopped short of the physical, it could be a sign that hr didn't want to fully betray you, and was fighting with his guilt

- it's normal that he still loves her; she might be a normal, lovable woman and he's a normal human being who forms emotional attachments; his love for you means more to him though. If he doesn't consider her some lost magic love, she'll just become some sort of ex in the future. How much time? I have read that it takes half the time together to get over a breakup.

 

Good luck and have fun shopping for the ring when the day comes!

[half_ofa_heart]

My heart goes out to you and I am happy to hear that you guys are trying to get thru this. It sounds like you're doing everything right. I like the symbolic gesture of removing your ring as the marriage that this ring symbolized is truly over and a NEW and IMPROVED version is to begin...

 

These relationships don't take a natural course of demise so the grieving is much like grieving an unexpected death... they take time. And what's worse you don't feel entitled to grieve it because you weren't entitled to be in it in the first place. It's very complicated but it sounds like he is doing what he can to move on and you are doing what you need to do to help the situation along. I commend you on your efforts and truly wish you the best of luck.

 

Heart <3

[veryhappy]

Saw the question about helping him. I don't think you need to worry about helping him, you need to keep yourself sane.

[veryhappy]

Alice, quite frankly nobody asked you. She wanted opinions from OPs. I wouldn't intrude if a poster asked for opinions from BS only. Nevermind that a regular posting on the infidelity board bt an AP ends in an execution.

 

You are a bunch who just can't help yourselves. You don't respect anything and anyone, unless there's full submission to your beatings.

[woinlove]

Alice, quite frankly nobody asked you. She wanted opinions from OPs. I wouldn't intrude if a poster asked for opinions from BS only. Nevermind that a regular posting on the infidelity board bt an AP ends in an execution.

 

You are a bunch who just can't help yourselves. You don't respect anything and anyone, unless there's full submission to your beatings.

 

The claims of an execution are greatly exaggerated. One might even say purposely fabricated. Read the actual thread.

 

And why are you calling Alice out and then referring to "you are a bunch"? Alice is a bunch of what? Or are you putting all BS in a box of your choosing? Also, there are plenty of examples of OW posting on threads in infidelity where the question was posted to BS. The mods wrote a note specifically on one such case, saying provided the responses are civil, ANYONE can post. Those are LS rules, whether you like it or not.

 

If you think Alice's post is uncivil, the correct thing to do is report it. If you think it is not against the LS guidelines, then argue against the content of the post, as I am doing with yours. Attacking the poster instead of arguing against the post just degrades the thread.

Edited September 18, 2012 by woinlove

[William]

Note from moderation: It appears this thread is asking input from married men who have been in affairs and/or their affair partners, meaning other women. Those responses are appropriate, as the topic is regarding the thread starter's husband getting over feelings from the affair and how long it might take. Betrayed spouses are welcome to provide anecdotes regarding timeline, e.g. 'It took my husband a couple years to get over the affair completely, according to him'.

 

There should be no content in here attacking or denigrating other women (OW). The thread isn't about that. As such, violations will be infracted at the five point level without consolidation. I've handled a lot of the thread starter's postings due to auto moderation and I know she is a kind and sincere poster. I expect that tone to be respected by all participants.

 

End of note.

[woinlove]

Hoping someone from 'the other side' can help me.

 

I am BS - H had an emotional affair with co-worker. It was borderline physical but stopped short of actual intercourse.

 

Ended in June when I found texts. DH ended it completely and went NC. I didn't see the texts he sent to end it or hear the conversation but he tells me it was terse and to the point. He has done a lot to help me to heal - he is loving, attentive, remorseful, we have talked and talked and he has been very honest. He wants to stay with me. I want him to stay with me. We have had periods when our relationship has been better than it has for years.

 

Married for 20 years this october. Been OK through all the normal sh*t that life throws at us. Yes, things might have been a bit difficult recently - I suffer from depression - but I still felt that the love was strong. But I can't help feeling that OW is now an unattainable fantasy to H. He has to see her at work but they don't need to have direct contact and they don't seek each other out.

 

Here's my problem... I can't help peeling the scab of his feelings for her . And being honest he can't tell me he doesn't still love her. It breaks my heart all over again. Every big blow up we've had has been because of this. I have finally taken off my wedding ring and told him when he can tell me he is free of her, when I am the only one he loves, I will wear a ring again, a new one for a new marriage.

 

I can see he is in turmoil - i don't want to be cruel to him, but I need to have some control. I can't just sit there waiting for him to sort his head out and let him think I don't mind and he can continue to cherish his lost love in his heart. How long will it take? Is there anything else I can do to help him?

 

I never thought I could hurt so much.

 

Thanks

 

You don't mention whether you are in counselling. I think MC could help a lot because not all cases are the same. There are WH who post here who pined for quite a while -- reading the posts I thought for sure they would end up divorced, they were so obsessed with the OW many months after dday -- and yet they now post fully committed to their M and see what they felt for the OW as an addiction and see the whole A in a very negative light. Then there are BS who have posted with the spouses pining and they found the A resumed and the reconciliation wasn't real. So, I think it would be useful to hear first hand accounts of both possibilities and think of your own case and see what you think is the reality. That is where a good MC could help, if he/she has lots of experience and can learn a lot about you and your H.

 

I hope some of the WS or BS I am recalling come to your thread as I think their experiences could help you.

 

ETA: In fact, I advised one WH to divorce his W as I felt his strong pining over so many months (maybe it was even a year) meant for sure he shouldn't be married to his W. I guess he proved me wrong. But, in other cases, I would have been right.

Edited September 18, 2012 by woinlove

[LaCurieuse]

Hoping someone from 'the other side' can help me.

 

I am BS - H had an emotional affair with co-worker. It was borderline physical but stopped short of actual intercourse.

 

Ended in June when I found texts. DH ended it completely and went NC. I didn't see the texts he sent to end it or hear the conversation but he tells me it was terse and to the point. He has done a lot to help me to heal - he is loving, attentive, remorseful, we have talked and talked and he has been very honest. He wants to stay with me. I want him to stay with me. We have had periods when our relationship has been better than it has for years.

 

Married for 20 years this october. Been OK through all the normal sh*t that life throws at us. Yes, things might have been a bit difficult recently - I suffer from depression - but I still felt that the love was strong. But I can't help feeling that OW is now an unattainable fantasy to H. He has to see her at work but they don't need to have direct contact and they don't seek each other out.

 

 

Thanks

 

 

Dear waterwoman,

 

I could be off the mark, and I don't want to hurt you, but I would point out that he covered up the A (did he deny it when you discovered it? What was his reaction like? Owning up, or lying at first?) until you discovered it. All the above parts in bold seem to be coming from what he has told you, but being an OW, I can only caution you from lapping up what he says because it is what you want to hear.

 

I have read that the first step for a married couple in truly healing from an A is to have the WS expose all the facts, even the painful ones, including texts, etc. so that at least you are not left with loads of grey parts or holes that feel like secrets just between the two of them, which exclude you.

 

If your H is anything like my MM (and the story sounds the same...met at work, 20 years of marriage) he may think it's better to "protect" you from the whole truth by hiding or lying about parts of their A. I think that you may need to know all the details of what truly happened to regain control, stop worrying about those grey, hidden parts, and to move towards better communication to heal from this.

 

Just my two cents!

[SunflowerKitten]

Hi WW,

 

I am very sorry for what you are going through.

 

As a divorcee of a man who strayed via internet, but no physical affair happened, and recently the GF of a WM (Wondering Man - is that what it means?), all I can say is keep true to yourself and ask yourself what is your limit or breaking point, how much will you take.

Ask yourself if you really feel you did anything wrong to cause him to stray.

 

You cannot do anything to help him, he needs to realize where he messed up and how he didn't cherish what he had (you) and all he had in his marriage.

Once he realizes that, then he will (hopefully) come to you and let you know he realizes how he didn't' appreciate what he had and he has no reason to wonder or hold onto any true feelings or infatuation with the OW.

 

My Ex husband used his loneliness or pity of himself and his illness and disabilities to find more out of a compliment from a young girl he was help mentoring. Even if that was a boost to his non existent ego he started spending all his time talking to her or helping her, and she started texting or calling at odd hours of the night. He was blind to what he was doing right in front of me, and ignoring our three children. It didn't sit well with me when i saw what was happening and that he was oblivious to the fact that he wasn't appreciating that he had right there in the home.

His 3 children wanting his attention and little physical strength he had to do fun things with them, which he didn't follow through on any of that with them. He was ignoring a wife (me) and the mother of his 3 children (me) and his caregiver for the past 6 yrs of a 10 yr marriage (me), and that he was not appreciating what i do for him in all the aspects and roles i held, not just the wife, that role was non existent it seemed. There was no reason for him to need an ego boost or compliments because he was getting all he needed from me, but if that was not enough for him, then that is his issue, not mine. (just like if that is part of your H's issue, it isn't something you can fix, since you aren't the one feeling that).

Since my Ex-H wouldn't admit what he was doing I stepped in and started becoming a mentor to this young girl and saw the divide happen between my husband at the time and this girl.

It didn't stop the fact that he didn't end it or realize as a grown man what he was doing.

This was not the sole reason our marriage ended, there were issues way before this started that had the end already in site, but it took me a long time to make the decision because i finally realized he didn't love me from the beginning and he lied from the get go because he was courting me with a facade of a man and not who he really was.

 

My current BF i found Facebook messages between him and another woman he new before, graphic messages about meeting and him "satisfying her" in intimate ways.

 

I called him out on it because i am not the snooping type, he left his message open on my laptop and when i went to go onto my account on my laptop, he still had his profile for the laptop logged in and the FB browser open.

I was heart broken at the mere fact he would even write these to her even if they were never acted out.

 

I will never really know his intentions, or probably never know the real truth, but I know i did nothing wrong, and am a good woman.

He had to know that if he is the type of man that likes to have a GF, but then flirt or have his cake and eat it too (not a one woman man).

Then he had to know I am not that type of person and any type of wondering that betrays me i wont stand for.

 

If i really am the one he loves and wants to be with he will show me, and he already knows there are no more chances, if i find anything or am told anything and there is proof or facts to back it up, then he will have broken my heart and he will be gone.

 

Stay Strong WW and i hope for the best in your M.

 

As someone suggest, try MC, y'all need to get down to the deepest emotions and get everything layed out on the table, then healing gradually can start.

[waterwoman]

Thanks for all your replies.

 

sunflower - so sorry to hear your story. Until this happened I wasn't aware of how common this is.

 

Regarding my other thread, I guess it was asking the same question - when will it get easier. But at that point I was trying to ignore that basic fact that he loved her - a fact he had told me up front right at the start with no attempt to minimise, because he felt he owed me the truth. Now I have realised that love isn't going to go away because I ignore it, I needed some reassurance that he (we) can get past this and I won't have to share him forever. This is what is causing me to struggle with reconciliation.

 

lacurieuse - there was about 12 hours after I found the texts when he tried to pretend they were just supportive and friendly. Then a horrific night when he just shut down, held me and let me cry but seemed determined to move out. Afterwards he told me he was too scared to deal with the mess - was actually contemplating running away rather than face me. But the following day he manned up and in the evening we took the dog for a walk and he told me everything, told me how sorry he was, that it was all over with ow and he wanted to fix things at home. I never felt he was holding out on me. Nothing he has told me since has contradicted what he said the first time.

 

I am aware that a lot of people beleive:

 

1. I am going about it all wrong

2. He is lying to me - they were sh*gging like bunnies.

3. He is lying to me and the affair is on-going.

 

Let's assume for the sake of argument that:

 

1. It's my marriage and my decision to make,

2. No he isn't

3. No he isn't.

(I reserve the right to discover I am wrong but on evidence received at the moment I don't think so )

 

I asked the question here because it seemed to me that those involved in past or current affairs are the best placed to tell me about them. I am a BS - I already know what that is like .

 

I am grateful for anyone who can help me but please don't repeat the above assertions - it's hurtful, it's pointless (beleive me I have worked through all the possibilities and asked all the questions ), and it doesn't help me with my current issue.

 

Many thanks x

[waterwoman]

so that I can start to find a way to cope with the situation. I'm in a right old mess - H is devestated that he has hurt me so badly, has done all the 'right' things but as long as his feelings for her remain the same even though he doesn't act on them, I am stuck in limbo. So counselling for me so I can calmly decide what to do for the best - maybe for him too later if we remain together.