Your WS's physical attractiveness

[GLDheart]

...Oh, one thing, she started shaving all her pubic hair at that time. She had only done this randomly in the past. But, at that time, she kept it smooth, shaving several times a week...

 

This part disgusts me because it hits home and is a bit of a trigger for me. When my Ex Fiancee had her first "thing" about five years ago she did something similar. She had always kept that area baby smooth... now all of a sudden this little landing strip appeared.

 

I didn't know at the time what she was hiding from me, but I DID notice the sudden changes. She also did the weight loss thing, of course. She even mentioned maybe getting a tramp stamp tattoo... I veto'd the tattoo.

 

After the "phase" passed and we reconciled, things down there went back to baby smooth. Now the memory of that little landing strip is a disgustingly foul memory. I wonder if the "shaved look" for you will also be a trigger...

[ComingInHot]

Snow flower: No. They were emails from OW. I would love nothing more than to believe they were lies, but she was a ZERO. I don't think I've ever been that...*

 

FWH says I am beautiful and somehow never answers that question so I am lead to believe he did say those things. Like I said, Ouch. FWH stated it was my unhappiness w/my health and not being in good shape/fit that he said. I don't buy it

[NotCamelot]

I wonder if the "shaved look" for you will also be a trigger...

 

I don't think so, at least I hope not.....just as I hope for NO triggers.

 

She had done the "smooth" thing in the past. BUT, it had been a while. So that's why I have to wonder now....because I know precisely the two times she was with him and the grooming started two days before that.

 

You may be right, I hope not.

[ComingInHot]

Mercy: You are awesome!

[Decorative]

Coming in Hot-

 

Same issue here. The OW had an active eating disorder, so she was a zero ( in size and other ways. Lol). I'm a recovered eating disordered woman. I am healthy and strong, but I'm a tight and curvy 6, not tiny. OW felt the need to point that out to my spouse.

 

It was hard to swallow. I would never harm my body in an ED again, but it took awhile to regain equilibrium about that, after reading her opinion of me.

[Snowflower]

Snow flower: No. They were emails from OW. I would love nothing more than to believe they were lies, but she was a ZERO. I don't think I've ever been that...*

 

FWH says I am beautiful and somehow never answers that question so I am lead to believe he did say those things. Like I said, Ouch. FWH stated it was my unhappiness w/my health and not being in good shape/fit that he said. I don't buy it

 

Ouch! Yes, the fact that he never answers that question probably tells you a lot. He probably did say something to that effect to the OW and she ran with it. I'm sure he regrets saying anything to the OW about your appearance.

[mercy]

Coming in Hot-

 

Same issue here. The OW had an active eating disorder, so she was a zero ( in size and other ways. Lol). I'm a recovered eating disordered woman. I am healthy and strong, but I'm a tight and curvy 6, not tiny. OW felt the need to point that out to my spouse.

 

It was hard to swallow. I would never harm my body in an ED again, but it took awhile to regain equilibrium about that, after reading her opinion of me.

 

ummm now why is it we care about her opinion of you?

 

Your self worth is not wrapped up in what she thinks, feels or says.

 

Skinny doesn't make you pretty it just makes you skinny. Cheating doesn't make you special it just makes you a cheater.

 

Cheating has nothing to do with how the OW does or doesn't look. I mean my h was with a woman 10 years older than me, grey headed and chubby.

 

I just don't get these women that feel the need to compare or cut down. Having to cut down another to feel better about oneself is just plain sad.

[Decorative]

Mercy-

 

No. I do not care about her opinion of me.

 

But post DDay, when my world was topsy turvy, and knowing that size is an issue I formerly struggled with - it was something I had to process and use my coping skills with.

 

At DDay- it had been 18 years since I had been active in my ED. But even the best of recoveries from eating issues requires maintenance and vigilance, and that knocked me off stride, temporarily.

 

Her opinion of me means nothing. What I think of me means everything. I am clear on that again.

[mercy]

Mercy-

 

No. I do not care about her opinion of me.

 

But post DDay, when my world was topsy turvy, and knowing that size is an issue I formerly struggled with - it was something I had to process and use my coping skills with.

 

At DDay- it had been 18 years since I had been active in my ED. But even the best of recoveries from eating issues requires maintenance and vigilance, and that knocked me off stride, temporarily.

 

Her opinion of me means nothing. What I think of me means everything. I am clear on that again.

 

Oh I understand completely. When we are smacked to our knees all our insecurities surface, all our self doubts scream in our heads.

 

So glad you are on a healing path.

 

It's just awful the lies we tell ourselves. No one needs to beat us down we do a fine job of it ourselves!

[Decimated]

I always thought my STBXW was beautiful...hell, stunning! I was always attracted to her... completely. I still lusted for her after 15 years of marriage. Every attractive woman that I would see I would compare to her...and she always won in my mind. She became the standard for which all women would be judged.

 

I do think part of my attraction to her was the fact that I loved her so much but I do remember the first time we met I was instantly attracted to her so it was physical as well.

 

The truth is, she is not perfect physically but she was perfect for me...or so I thought. She was certainly attractive enough to attract a married OM. I do believe she was in pretty good shape during her affair. She has gained weight since her affair ended...but I'm not into skinny women anyway.

 

After multiple D days and the discovery of her 1 1/2 year EA/PA I was even more attracted to her physically...WTH? I stayed through a false R that lasted for over a year, mostly for our children, until I decided I couldn't take it anymore and filed. She put in very little effort towards R.

 

We still live under the same roof and even share the same bed...strange...I know. Even though our D is only a month or two away we still have sex on occasion....another strange...I know. I am still attracted to her physically but I am emotionally removed to a great extent...so it is purely physical for me and I suspect for her as well. I realize that I could never trust her in marriage again so to stay M would be pointless.

[Recovering_Wayward]

Ugly people have affairs too. But attractive people always have more offers and opportunities, so are probably more likely to engage in an affair.

[2sure]

I thought my xH (WS) was hot as hell until the divorce started and I suddenly realized he was short and fat and that I was way out of his league. To this day I cannot fathom how he got so many women into him .

[ComingInHot]

Mercy AND Decorative: THANKS! I must confess that I struggled w/societies views that skinny = beautiful and it came out in the form of an ED. I now (after many years and the day I found out I was pregnant w/first child) have overcome that issue as I believe healthy and fit is what the goal should be.

 

But, when she emailed me outing FWH, and proceeded to tell me how fat and ugly and lazy I was. It really hurt. I KNOW I am physically attractive, I KNOW I shouldn't care what she said, and I am better about it today w/the exception of those moments where I am triggered. She was a couple years younger. She was thinner. It hurts my heart when I dwell on it so I don't. I focus on how wonderfully and beautifully made I am and how I have (so far) an in tact healthy, beautiful family*

 

Snow flower: I appreciate you writing FWH probably regrets saying or allowing OW to think these things. I hope so too! The last image of her that I have is the screen size picture she emailed me after hunting down my new email address w/header reading, " He always loved my smile". I think I threw up in my mouth. Not cause she is ugly physically but to think she was better than me. I didn't even know her... I still don't hate her. But sometimes I still do hurt.**

[eleanorrigby]

I've always seen him as about an 7-9 depending on how I'm feeling about him at the moment.

[Snowflower]

Mercy AND Decorative: THANKS! I must confess that I struggled w/societies views that skinny = beautiful and it came out in the form of an ED. I now (after many years and the day I found out I was pregnant w/first child) have overcome that issue as I believe healthy and fit is what the goal should be.

 

But, when she emailed me outing FWH, and proceeded to tell me how fat and ugly and lazy I was. It really hurt. I KNOW I am physically attractive, I KNOW I shouldn't care what she said, and I am better about it today w/the exception of those moments where I am triggered. She was a couple years younger. She was thinner. It hurts my heart when I dwell on it so I don't. I focus on how wonderfully and beautifully made I am and how I have (so far) an in tact healthy, beautiful family*

 

Snow flower: I appreciate you writing FWH probably regrets saying or allowing OW to think these things. I hope so too! The last image of her that I have is the screen size picture she emailed me after hunting down my new email address w/header reading, " He always loved my smile". I think I threw up in my mouth. Not cause she is ugly physically but to think she was better than me. I didn't even know her... I still don't hate her. But sometimes I still do hurt.**

 

Wow. I'm sorry you had to go through that. Thinking about this for a moment, it could have been LESS what your husband said to her than her own trumped up idea of who you are. She sounds almost personality-disordered, to be honest. What she did was unbelievably cruel. There are women like that out there...I've read their accounts here on LS in the OM/OW forum where they harp about how "fat and dumpy" the wife is. Does the WH/MM paint this picture of his W to the OW? Perhaps to some extent, but I think there are certain types of women who will run with that and take it further.

 

As in your case, there was absolutely no need for her to send her picture and make those remarks when she was also imparting some life-changing information about your H's involvement with her. I mean, who does that? What does your husband now think about this woman he got involved with?

[ComingInHot]

Snowflower: My husband tells me that looking back he cannot believe he did what he did. He says it really didn't have anything to do w/who was "prettier" and hands down, I would have won with my facial traits (a little flattery never hurts... and now he says he likes the look of a woman who has a figure and a small something to fill an outfit just right)granted she had me on size but it was the way HE felt. He states he was initially flattered, then thought hot YOUNG chick thinks I'm awesome, why not. I sometimes wish I did know her so I could piece together why she is the way she is but then... naw, I am trying to move forward, how would it help? I'm not angry at her when I am triggered, just hurt. I am moving to a point where I won't consider her at all. I want that for her too*

[oldshirt]

Ugly people have affairs too. But attractive people always have more offers and opportunities, so are probably more likely to engage in an affair.

 

In many it does have to do with opportunities as well as what they have at home compared to their opportunities.

 

Let me put it this way. You can have a normal couple that are both 6s. They are living a normal life with it's usual ups and downs.

 

Then after a period of time, one of them decides he/she wants to work on themselves and look better, feel better etc etc.

 

So he/she starts working out, getting a new updated hair style, new wardrobe, maybe even gets back in school taking some classes and working for that promotion at work.

 

In the mean time the other spouse has been coasting along and has put on weight, gotten comfortable in baggy sweats and tshirts and has been a little slack on the grooming, style and hygiene.

 

So what started out as two 6s who were equally matched and equally attractive and comfortable with each other being in the same league - now one of them is a 7-8 and the other is a 5 or less.

 

What started out as no spread in attractiveness is now a 2 or more point spread.

 

Here is what's key to remember. when they were both 6s they were both probably still getting offers and had opportunities from other 6s. But they each already had a 6 that they liked and got along with well so they didn't take the opportunity.

 

Now one of them has upgraded to a 7 or even an 8. So now he/she is getting offers and opportunities from 8s while he/she has only a 5 at home.

 

That opportunity is going to look a lot more, shall we say- "opportune" now.

 

So yeah it's obvious that a more attractive person is going to have opportunities but what is more telling is how much of a spread there is in the attractiveness between the two people of the couple.

 

If both people are 9s they have a fighting chance even though very attractive people will be hitting on them.

 

If both people are 4s their still OK because they are still on equal footing with most of their competitors (ie other 4s and below)

 

Where things get dicey in a hurry is one is clearly more attractive than the other and getting hit but other people clearly more desirable than the spouse.

[Decorative]

I don't know how to say this without sounding like a conceited jerkface, but here goes.

 

Although I do not look like Adam Levine, I am equally attractive to my spouse. We would be evenly, if not me slightly higher, if we were ranking things like this.

 

 

Things aren't dicey with me because I have excellent boundaries around the opposite sex. If you set up the right air around yourself and have the right attitude - it's not an issue of temptation or opportunity. I learned very early in life how to shut it down.

 

And now I'll stop, because I don't want to sound like a princess. But honestly - looks aren't the big issue. It's boundaries and choices .

[seren]

I like that when we arrange to meet someplace outside the house, I see him waiting and think, yep, he still does it for me. TBH he always has, sure there are times when I look accross and he is asleep and his top has rode up and I notice his belly has grown, but to me, he hasn't changed a jot since I first saw him and thought, yep, he does it for me. he says I haven't changed either, which of course I have, but I just thank whoever that both our eyesight's have got a little blurry over time.

 

What does it more is that he still makes me laugh, great big belly aching laugh's, which is far more important in the long run.

[mercy]

Mercy AND Decorative: THANKS! I must confess that I struggled w/societies views that skinny = beautiful and it came out in the form of an ED. I now (after many years and the day I found out I was pregnant w/first child) have overcome that issue as I believe healthy and fit is what the goal should be.

 

But, when she emailed me outing FWH, and proceeded to tell me how fat and ugly and lazy I was. It really hurt. I KNOW I am physically attractive, I KNOW I shouldn't care what she said, and I am better about it today w/the exception of those moments where I am triggered. She was a couple years younger. She was thinner. It hurts my heart when I dwell on it so I don't. I focus on how wonderfully and beautifully made I am and how I have (so far) an in tact healthy, beautiful family*

 

 

The OW in my case was wickedly evil with her words. They burned my heart for the longest time. Until I began to pity her. Now that's all that I have left. Pity.

 

My h was a fool for a short time, said some really stupid things. But when he was in the affair he was a liar. So, I'm to believe what he said while he was a liar? No, I don't think so. I think that's what made her so mad. She felt the bigger fool for believing him. Pity her. He was angry at me, of course he wasn't going to say nice things about me. I wasn't thinking very nice things about him!

[2.50 a gallon]

When I met her I was 32, and she was a month shy of turning 20. I told her to come back when she grew up. This only made her more determined, as she had never had a male turn her down.

 

She was definite fold out material, strawberry blonde hair, with a face and bod to go with. She was also 5" 10" and looked great in her high heels. I am a leg man, and being only 5' 6", I had found that most women liked their mates to be taller than them. Her first Christmas gift to me was a pair of T-shirts she had specially made for us. Hers read "Short Guys are Lovers with an arrow toward the left, and mine read "Short Guy"

 

She was sexy as all get out, knew it, and used it by flaunting it. When we started to decorate our first tree, she emerged from the bedroom wearing a black see through lingerie outfit she had purchased from Fredericks, along with high heels and fishnet stockings. What a sight that was watching her bending over to pick up ornaments or leaning into the tree to string the lights. It was Hefner eat you heart out time.

 

I had an army of OM co-workers to fight, however the one I caught her kissing was a pretty boy body builder guard. To her disappointment, he had also taken body building drugs along with his alcoholism that left him useless in the bedroom

 

That was 30 years ago. Within the past year I found a photo of her on the web and she is easily pushing the 200 pound marker on the bathroom scales.

 

My present lady recently celebrated her one year shy of turning 60 B-day, is a granny of a teenager, and still has an hour glass figure, and a flat stomach, and great looking 36" legs. Alas the only time I have ever seen her wear high heels and a short skirt was on our first date 17 years ago. However she is also the sweetest kindest person I have ever met.

 

Two nights ago, I made us spaghetti for supper, when I went to reheat the sauce for this evenings meal, she suggested to put it in the freezer and offered to take us out to our favorite Mexican food restaurant. I think I traded up