miz_barby Posted July 23, 2004 Posted July 23, 2004 I have a question (in my case for future reference).......... How in the world can you keep yourself from falling in love with a person you start dating until you're sure they are who they appear to be and aren't festering with some serious emotional disfunctions??? (since these things take time to pop up sometimes by that time it could be too late, you may be in over your head) Anyone have any techniques for safe guarding your heart until you can be sure things will be okay with the new person?? I know this sounds dumb but I'm completely serious since I just got my heart broken due to my guy (ex now) 's serious insecurity issues!!
QUESTIONS Posted July 23, 2004 Posted July 23, 2004 I think its a valid question... with not a straightforward answer... I believe I will be more "aware" of things and "red" flags that go up. You can also get hobbies so you don't always have to see him. YOu can pace yourself... and not give your heart. Listen I went out with a guy for 2 years.. asked me to marry him on X-mas.. then found out for two years he has been e-mail and calling this girl... to go out with him.. then he starts seeing her in May.. while we are still going out.. I found out.. and broke up with him after July 4th. He was having his cake and eating it too... I should have been more aware of the things going on around me.. but it was hard to tell... idiot that he is. I believe next time.. I will take it slow... but love is love.. and don't stop falling in love.. just for a couple of bad people. Sometimes you have to take a chance.. and just go for it. But... IF YOU HAVE A HEAD ON YOUR SHOULDERS.. AND WANT TO SEE WHAT THE PERSON IS LIKE.. don't make excused for his behavior... and don't wait till it gets out of control.. but I dont' see a sure fire way to stop loving someone... I for 1 won't be doing what I did in this relationship.. I would send him little things in the mail.. cards, toys, jokes, love coupons, I used to leave him sexy voicemail messages.. he showed he loved me in his way too... but how much could he love me .. if he cheated on me... The last guy before him... used to verbally and physically abuse me.. got out of that one fast.. the one before that.. turned out to be a drug dealer.... I know how to pick them...huh... all nice looking with good paying jobs for long period of time.. gentlemen, affectionate, .. seemed really nice at first... then whamo... so I am changing me from the inside out... and what I will accept and what I won't accept. and taking it slow.. my mother always said let the man love you more...
miz_barby Posted July 23, 2004 Posted July 23, 2004 I won't stop loving either but I'm just afraid of getting too emotionally involved again. I wish I had a colder heart where it wouldn't matter, see them as just friends and never have to worry about being hurt. But momma didn't raise me that way at all, I'm warm hearted and I knew in my heart of hearts if I fell in love all the way with my now ex bf (as of yesterday) that I would end up being hurt (not because of his behavior) just because life is cruel that way! I dated someone casually before him and took his virginity (he was 19 I was 22) anyway I didn't really have ANY feelings for him *he was a rebound from my ex abusive husband* and he claimed to love me, once he told me I broke it off with him because I didn't want to hurt him anymore than I did already. I guess this is karma kicking my ass! Oh well I'll just try to be harder hearted next time...
Demented Posted July 23, 2004 Posted July 23, 2004 My advice after years of falling in and out of love...don't harden your heart. Stay the beautiful, wonderful woman that you are. I became cold after years of being the nice guy...so I know it's hard to let yourself fall when you've been hurt...but if you never let yourself fall, you'll never be caught...
miz_barby Posted July 24, 2004 Posted July 24, 2004 Thanks! And also thank you for being there for me. Talk about bad timing...I had to go off line while we were talking (I'll fill you in as soon as I can). Anyway I probably couldn't harden my heart if I really tried!
moimeme Posted July 24, 2004 Posted July 24, 2004 You can't. This is why people end up falling for people they never intended to fall for. Love will sneak up on you. And with reason. You first find out the good stuff about people. The good stuff is the stuff that makes people like each other. Eventually, if you continue finding things you like, someplace in all that, the spark of love will be struck - but you'll likely not notice it. The more good points, the more you like and so forth. It's only after time that the negatives will start to emerge. He's a skinflint and begrudges even an occasional dinner out; she gets snarky when she doesn't get her own way. Unfortunately, in a lot of cases, by then you're already hooked. You're only saved from this if you discover enough negatives for you to bail before the positives work their magic on you. There's theories in psychology about people falling for 'archetypes' and all sorts of other theories. I'm not sure where I stand on them, but I do know there has to be something subconscious that goes on because I've found myself much fonder of some fellows than I intended to be quite by surprise. Not that I can use me as the definitive study subject or anything, but it seems to happen that way with lots of folk. Love at first sight is about that 'click' that you can get sometimes with someone that ends up combining with a bunch of likeable characteristics such that the initial first very positive impression stays and grows. But, essentially, it's the same process.
miz_barby Posted July 24, 2004 Posted July 24, 2004 I wish I could hold my heart under lock and key, get to know a man for his good and bad and then when I know he's a great guy say "hey here you go here is the key to my heart" and him do the same. If only it were such a perfect world!
moimeme Posted July 24, 2004 Posted July 24, 2004 I wish I could hold my heart under lock and key, get to know a man for his good and bad and then when I know he's a great guy say "hey here you go here is the key to my heart" and him do the same Yup. But the dang critters grab themselves a piece of your heart before you know they've done it and then they are mighty hard to dislodge. Kinda like ticks or barnacles
HoldOn Posted July 24, 2004 Posted July 24, 2004 I think you can train yourself to understand what is acceptable or not acceptable. If you've been through a bad relationship, you can see red flags before the relationship gets that far. For instance, my ex-bf was unstable and I dismissed TONS of red flags, like he didn't have a stable career, he had just declared bankruptcy, he was arrested for drunk driving, he spent all his time with his band, he was late all the time, I caught him lying all the time... these are things that came up in the first two months of dating. If I had my eyes open I would have been a little more questioning! So when I was looking for a new bf I literally had a "list" of things I wanted. And don't be too hard on me! The list was totally reasonable... Like he had to have a stable career with benefits, a normal life, honest.... etc... These are things you can find out about someone rather quickly. ( I did find my perfect guy and we're planning on getting married. ) But I really feel like I had to go through my horrible relationship before I could really appreciate a good boyfriend. So don't lose heart. So of course, you can stay your sweet loving self. Just be a little more aware of the warning signs that come out at the beginning of a relationship!
johan Posted July 24, 2004 Posted July 24, 2004 Think about what it would mean if you could hold off like that. If you could be so in control, then I don't think you'd ever really love. Because at what point could you really be sure about someone? Not to be cynical, but look around you and name someone who doesn't have some kind of neurosis or insecurity. Your parents, your friends, co-workers, me, moimeme, etc... it's no cliche to say that everyone is messed up. Well, actually, moimeme might be ok. But I have my doubts about everyone else. You might think you'll run into someone who only has a few minor hangups, but don't count on it. What you really want is someone who can work with you and deal with things. Look for someone you can go through hell with, because you'll have to occasionally. What I hear you saying is that you wish you could always keep one foot out the door. My theory is that if you could control it, then it would take some serious convincing to get you to bring the other foot in. And if you base the decision on the absence of major problems, then you may never feel comfortable with anyone. It's probably better just to fall in love and take the lumps. Maybe I'm sensitive to this, because my girlfriend always has one foot out the door. She says so anyway. I think she has both feet in, but she's always leaning back for an assortment of convenient reasons. And it's a big barrier to making any progress in a relationship.
miz_barby Posted July 24, 2004 Posted July 24, 2004 Yes very true....basically I wish I that I didn't attract men who seem so nice, I fall in love and then find out they are abusive and controlling either verbal or physically. If I could just make sure it would make it easier...what I need to do is be able to watch for the red flags instead of blinding myself to it!
moimeme Posted July 24, 2004 Posted July 24, 2004 Your parents, your friends, co-workers, me, moimeme, etc... it's no cliche to say that everyone is messed up. Well, actually, moimeme might be ok. But I have my doubts about everyone else. ROTFL!!!! Mighty kind of you If you've been through a bad relationship, you can see red flags before the relationship gets that far. To a point, I agree. However, there are problems you never could imagine you'd end up dealing with so you won't know what the red flags for those are. Unless you fully dedicate yourself to reading about others' experiences, you may well have to go through some real bad situations yourself in order to understand what to avoid. With luck, you won't have too many of them, but still you can be brought up short by some unexpected major flaw you never even thought you'd encounter.
johan Posted July 24, 2004 Posted July 24, 2004 Yes very true....basically I wish I that I didn't attract men who seem so nice, I fall in love and then find out they are abusive and controlling either verbal or physically. If I could just make sure it would make it easier...what I need to do is be able to watch for the red flags instead of blinding myself to it! Great point, actually. I know many people have patterns as far as the types of partners they choose. Some women tend to end up with abusive guys. Even weirder, women like that seem to not even be interested in guys who aren't abusive. I've seen it with my own eyes. A friend of mine always ends up with interesting, attractive, submissive women who grow to resent him. I've seen patterns in my partners, too. And in the kinds of friends I make. It's one thing I've never really been able to figure out. It would sure help to know why, though. Maybe I could make better choices.
miz_barby Posted July 24, 2004 Posted July 24, 2004 same here! I wish I knew if I was putting out the wrong vibes! I don't WANT an abusive man, I want someone who will respect me not want to beat me down to keep me with them!
rolo Posted July 24, 2004 Posted July 24, 2004 Originally posted by miz_barby I Anyone have any techniques for safe guarding your heart until you can be sure things will be okay with the new person?? I doubt there are any techniques that work. I recently found this out the hard way. I lost a nice woman that was really enthusiastic about me (at least initially) because I thought it would be best to safe-guard my heart (in case I was a rebound). I consciously and subconsciously did things that would basically protect my heart, but I also kept her out in the process. Next time I will take the risk rather than take a sure loss...
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