nightonthesun1234 Posted September 18, 2012 Posted September 18, 2012 So my boyfriend of two years broke up with me at the end of July, so it's almost been two months of no contact. Tonight, he texted me, saying hey, how am I doing. I just responded, "good, how are you". He was wondering why he hadn't heard from me. He said that he didn't know whether I wanted him talking to me but he hated the idea of us never speaking again. I told him I needed to give myself space and focus on me after what happened (it was a very messy and emotional break up). We went back and forth about our classes for this semester, etc. I kept it very casual but also wanted to show him that I have in fact moved on, and feel like a better, more confident person after going through this. One of the last things I said to him was "why did you contact me? are you just checking in, are you trying to be friends? I guess I don't understand the point of this." He responded by saying that he wouldn't be against hanging out as friends if I wasn't. I told him I wasn't against it. He then abruptly ended the conversation, saying he was about to go out with one of his roommates. The thing is, I honestly wouldn't mind being friends with him because I don't feel emotionally tied to him anymore, and can see why we are not meant to be in a relationship. I was also really close with his circle of friends, and miss them in my life. Yet, when I said I wasn't against it, he didn't take it any further. It made me confused as to why he even bothered to contact me, and kind of insulted that he doesn't want to be friends, yet wants to "check in" like that and say things like, "I'd hate it if we never spoke again." Has anyone ever gone through this? I don't know what I'm feeling right now, but I guess you'd call it confused
Calico Posted September 18, 2012 Posted September 18, 2012 When I responded to a "how are you doing?" mail, it threw me right back into the break-up pain, but that was also much closer to the event than it has been for you. Whether you're ready to be friends with him is something only you can answer. How would you feel if he talked to you about his new girlfriend and shared with you what they're doing?
CC12 Posted September 18, 2012 Posted September 18, 2012 It made me confused as to why he even bothered to contact me, and kind of insulted that he doesn't want to be friends Hm? He didn't say that. He said he wouldn't be against it if you weren't against it. That reads like he does want to be friends with you. he didn't take it any further. How would he have taken it further? By saying, "Okay, yes, we are officially friends now"? Or by making plans with you right away? Maybe he hadn't thought that far ahead yet. But if you want to think the worst of him, maybe he called you because he wanted to make sure you weren't mad at him so that he could continue his life guilt-free, without the discomfort of thinking there's somebody out there who hates him. Maybe he actually has no plans to be friends with you at all, and he just wanted closure. That's a pretty pessimistic way to look at it, though. 1
ponette Posted September 18, 2012 Posted September 18, 2012 cc-glad to see that somebody on LS DOESN'T suspect/believe/claim that contact from the ex is always some attempt at manipulation, self-promotion or guilt assuagement. sure, some exes are major jerks, but some of them may want you back but aren't arrogant enough to charge right in and say so; some may actually CARE and might like to be friends. ever heard of taking it slow? most of us here are hurting (i'm miserable, labile, and nuts right now) so this colors our perspective. i just don't believe everything is a selfish plot or that every ex has the worst of intentions toward us. as sh*tty as i feel, i just can't give up hope that most of us are basically good.
Author nightonthesun1234 Posted September 18, 2012 Author Posted September 18, 2012 Hm? He didn't say that. He said he wouldn't be against it if you weren't against it. That reads like he does want to be friends with you. How would he have taken it further? By saying, "Okay, yes, we are officially friends now"? Or by making plans with you right away? Maybe he hadn't thought that far ahead yet. But if you want to think the worst of him, maybe he called you because he wanted to make sure you weren't mad at him so that he could continue his life guilt-free, without the discomfort of thinking there's somebody out there who hates him. Maybe he actually has no plans to be friends with you at all, and he just wanted closure. That's a pretty pessimistic way to look at it, though. Interesting perspective, to look at it from a more optimistic viewpoint. when he did text, my mind immediately went to "oh he's feeling guilty and needs to hear from me just so he can feel better about himself. selfish." I guess he could be taking it slow, as you said. I don't want to think the worst of my ex, because I never thought he was a horrible person (regardless of his decision to break up with me) yet some of the things he said during the break up were extremely hurtful and basically an attack on my character. He just wasn't acting like the person I thought he was during that time. And again, like you said, I guess part of me was thinking that he'd make plans, but with something like that only time will tell.
geegirl Posted September 18, 2012 Posted September 18, 2012 The thing is, I honestly wouldn't mind being friends with him because I don't feel emotionally tied to him anymore, and can see why we are not meant to be in a relationship. I was also really close with his circle of friends, and miss them in my life. Yet, when I said I wasn't against it, he didn't take it any further. It made me confused as to why he even bothered to contact me, and kind of insulted that he doesn't want to be friends, yet wants to "check in" like that and say things like, "I'd hate it if we never spoke again." Has anyone ever gone through this? I don't know what I'm feeling right now, but I guess you'd call it confused This is where we begin to bargain with ourselves. If you don't feel emotionally tied to him anymore, which I find hard to believe seeing that it is only 1.5 months since the break (one that was messy and emotional), then his motives should not confuse you or disrupt you. It's called indifference. It's when you are completely detached emotionally and anything he does or says is like water off a duck's back. But here you are, upset that his need to be "friends" doesn't coincide with how you believe he should act. When my ex and I broke-up, I contemplated friends when he wanted to because I thought the same thing, "Oh, I'm not emotional anymore" and "I know we can't be in a relationship." Great. But that's your heart trying to to justify what it wants. The heart cannot make wise decisions for you when you are emotional. One year after the break-up, he keeps texting, trying to be friends. Guess what. I don't care if I hear from him and if I don't, it doesn't bother me nor do I question it. I'm cordial but other than that he does not rent space in my head or heart. And even if I wanted to be friends, I could be and anything he does or says will not affect me one bit. It will be on my terms. If a friend of yours did this to you, I bet you wouldn't be cracking your head confused. It wouldn't affect you. This is affecting you. That should be a sign to you that you're really not that ready. You should keep NC and keep moving forward. Do yourself a favor and eliminate the possibility of these little derailments in your healing process. 1
Author nightonthesun1234 Posted September 18, 2012 Author Posted September 18, 2012 geegirl, Thanks for your response, and I can see where you're coming from. After thinking about it, I think my reaction might prove that I haven't gotten to the point of indifference towards him just yet. and I feel like that is when you are truly over someone. I doubt I'll hear from him again, and am hoping its a one time thing. I have made progress with almost two months of NC and I don't want him showing up in my life again and derailing that progress. Even though it's hard, because I feel like we'll always have a connection, it's for the best.
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