Uncomfortable with boyfriend's drinking

[Elliptical]

Hi all,

 

My boyfriend and I are both 26 and have only been dating 3 months. As the title says, I'm uncomfortable with his drinking, but at the same time, I'm not sure it's really that problematic, so I'm not entirely sure what to do.

 

So a little history on him: back when he had just graduated from college, he spent about a year and a half living at home doing nothing because he was suffering from depression. He says during this time period he drank a lot (though I'm not sure how much "a lot" was), to the point that he got worried and took a month off from drinking (and even took Antabuse to make sure he stuck to not drinking).

 

Fast forward to this summer, when we started dating: he had just graduated from grad school, and spent the whole summer looking for a job--and also partying hard almost every weekend with friends, on top of drinking a couple times during the week.

 

Around the time he finally got a job (which was also around the time his drinking initially started to worry me) he told me, without any prompting from me, that he wanted to cut back because he felt like he was drinking too much again and that the day after a heavy drinking session he'd frequently end up feeling anxious (this was also when he told me about the Antabuse stint, etc.).

 

That was a month ago. I was relieved to hear he wanted to cut back--and especially relieved that he brought it up without me even mentioning my worries, since I know drinking is one of those "the person has to want to change for themselves, not for others" things.

 

And, as far as I know, he has cut back to only drinking on Fridays and Saturdays--usually he'll get drunk one day and then drink less on the other day. But now that the initial relief over his cutting back announcement has worn off, I'm realizing that I'm still worried.

 

On the one hand, I feel like his drinking could be brushed off as typical 20-something behavior that will eventually be grown out of (especially for a guy), and that instead of freaking out, I should be treating it as a positive that he cut back. I mean, though I've been a moderate drinker for the last few years, I also went through a phase of drinking too much in college/early 20s, and it took me a couple tries at moderation for it to stick.

 

He's not a bad or irresponsible drunk--he can limit his drinking if he has to drive or do something important the next day, his personality doesn't change when he's been drinking, and I've never seen him get sloppy drunk (though I've heard plenty of stories about nights out with friends during years past). And though his parents like to drink a lot, they don't seem like alcoholics.

 

On the other hand, there's just something about the way he drinks ... like even if we're just hanging out (and not with his drinking buddy friends), sometimes he'll chug those first one or two beers like he's been dying for them all week. Or he'll drink a lot even if I'm not joining in. Or he'll down drinks while I'm not in the room, which possibly bothers me the most ... I mean, I see the empty bottles afterwards, so it's not like he's hiding the drinking ... but it's weirdly sneaky. Or on Saturdays, he'll start drinking early (noon to afternoon) and do this have-a-drink-every-couple-hours thing until the evening drinking can begin in earnest. He doesn't do these things all the time, but when he does, they make my stomach sink.

 

Anyway, there's more I could say about this, but it's already tl;dr, so I'll try to wrap it up here for now.

 

Thanks for reading, and for any and all feedback!

[startinganew777]

I am going to tell you right now, because I divorced an alcoholic not long ago. The fact is you are uncomfortable with his drinking now. It will only get worse the more comfortable he gets with you. I met my x when he was 25 and I too thought it was the age. As he got older and more comfortable with me, he drank more and more until years later he was hiding it from me and I found empty vodka bottles all over our place. He finally went to detox after I filed for divorce and guess what? He is right back to drinking again I have heard.

 

It is not something you want to deal with, believe me. I have never been so unhappy my whole life. It drained almost everything out of me. So glad I finally left. But my relationship with him started just like this. With me being uncomfortable and questioning whether or not he had a problem.

[denise_xo]

I'd be uncomfortable with that, too. I've dated an alcoholic and later developed problems with alcohol myself (I no longer drink). Like the poster above says, I wouldn't assume this to be 'just a phase'.

[CaptJay]

Hi Elliptical,

 

I am a recovering alcoholic and I am very concerned about your boyfriend's drinking behavior. Note that I said "recovering" because although I haven't had a drink in YEARS, it is a daily struggle that takes a huge amount of effort to ensure I do not slip back. Alcoholism is a very tricky disease that feeds off of denial, rationalization, "deals" with oneself or others (I'll cut back if...), etc.

 

Your boyfriend is not in a great place, and I can all but guarantee that this will take a toll on your relationship and your life. Though there are a few, the biggest red flag in my opinion is your boyfriend's use of Antabuse.

 

Antabuse is a medication that is used to "condition" a person to not use alcohol. This is not a drug that takes away cravings; popping an Antabuse does NOTHING for that, physically. What Antabuse does is it changes your body's ability to process alcohol to the point where just a sip or two will make you violently ill. And because people don't want to get violently ill, they decide (through conditioning) that the result of drinking is much worse than no drinking.

 

When your boyfriend sought out the medication, he likely said to himself (consciously or sub-consciously), "I need to stop drinking so badly that I'll take a pill where one slip-up (it stays in your system for a week+) will make me feel so horrible that I'd consider rushing myself to the hospital."

 

It is a good sign that your bf seems to realize that he's got an issue with drinking. Things will get worse unless he completely abstains, and things like being able to not drink before driving (I'd hope not!) or going 5-days without a drink can all take place while still being an alcoholic.

 

Binging/gulping down drinks, hiding drinking (or downplaying it), sweating it out for 5-days until the weekend, etc. are all very bright red flags. I'm sorry you both have to deal with this.

 

I wish you all the best.

[Elliptical]

Thanks for your takes on the situation everyone, and especially for the Antabuse explanation, CaptJay. While I did know how Antabuse works, I didn't understand the desperate mindset someone would have to be in to try it. That definitely paints everything in a whole new light.

 

Binging/gulping down drinks, hiding drinking (or downplaying it), sweating it out for 5-days until the weekend, etc. are all very bright red flags.

 

And yeah, this is what I was afraid of. Sigh.

 

I guess my question now is, what would be the best way to talk to him about my concern? Obviously I can't make him change if he doesn't want to--I'm sure that, even if he quits because I ask him to, it'll only be a matter of time before he looks around at all his family and friends partying, decides that he should be able to do that, too, gets resentful of me imposing on him, and goes right back to drinking.

 

But I at least want to let him know his drinking bothers me and give him a chance to change before ending things (which seems like basically my only option if he doesn't change, though it kills me to think of it). And the fact that, as CaptJay points out, he does seem to be aware he has an issue with drinking gives me a speck of (fool's) hope that maybe ... just maybe ...

[sweetheart5381]

Thanks for your takes on the situation everyone, and especially for the Antabuse explanation, CaptJay. While I did know how Antabuse works, I didn't understand the desperate mindset someone would have to be in to try it. That definitely paints everything in a whole new light.

 

 

 

And yeah, this is what I was afraid of. Sigh.

 

I guess my question now is, what would be the best way to talk to him about my concern? Obviously I can't make him change if he doesn't want to--I'm sure that, even if he quits because I ask him to, it'll only be a matter of time before he looks around at all his family and friends partying, decides that he should be able to do that, too, gets resentful of me imposing on him, and goes right back to drinking.

 

But I at least want to let him know his drinking bothers me and give him a chance to change before ending things (which seems like basically my only option if he doesn't change, though it kills me to think of it). And the fact that, as CaptJay points out, he does seem to be aware he has an issue with drinking gives me a speck of (fool's) hope that maybe ... just maybe ...

 

This is a tough spot for OP. The truth is, with an alcoholic you can write it in spray paint on the wall and they still won't read it completely and accept it.

 

My brother was a severe alcoholic, easily 40 oz a day from 16 to 26 yrs old. His kidneys now no longer function, been on dialysis since he was 26, he had a stroke at 32. He was on life support twice, once with Legionnaires Disease, then with Pancreatitis. He has suffered unimaginably.

 

He changed in a horrible way. He used to respect and love women but at his worst the alcohol spurred him to pick physical fights with women, disrespect them horribly. When he got really sick and could not drink anymore (physically) he turned to methadone to ease the pain of his illnesses.

 

He is now 35 and literally a cripple, all from alcohol. And he is still an addict, just not from alcohol

 

Be wary, alcohol is deadly ****, seriously.

[CaptJay]

And yeah, this is what I was afraid of. Sigh.

 

You are very intuitive.

 

Many folks in their 20s would chalk this up to "normal" 20-something behavior. And for most, statistically, that's all that it is. However, the fact that you are concerned and have these red flags on the drinking is something that few people realize until the problem escalates out of control.

 

I will tell you this, however: I have NEVER encountered a person who was curious or worried about having a drinking problem, only to find out that it was a false alarm and the simply person overreacted and were really a "normal" drinker. People know it deep inside, if only sub-consciously, in the early stages.

 

I guess my question now is, what would be the best way to talk to him about my concern?

 

An excellent question showing even more intuition.

 

First, I think the best way to talk to him about your concerns would be to do some online research on alcoholism. There are a plethora of resources out there, and most of them say the same core things because there is a specific pattern that most alcoholics follow throughout their disease. It will be both "freaky" and reassuring when you read this information. Freaky, because you will most likely find that your bf does many/most of the behaviors listed on these sites. But reassuring because you'll see tons and tons of folks online with the same issues that you have, which brings about a bond that "we're all in the same boat" that could foster some very good discussions and insight.

 

Second, I would recommend going to an Al-Anon meeting. I'm not telling you to keep things from your bf, but I think it would help the cause if you mentioned this afterwards (after gaining more insight). Al-Anon is an international "fellowship of relatives and friends of alcoholics who share their experiences, strengths, and hope with respect to dealing with an alcoholic. Or, you can use the Al-Anon online forums to interact without having to go to a meeting.

 

Going in-person can be a little unsettling because you've probably never been to something like this before and are wondering the types of people that will be there, what they'll talk about, if you have to talk (you don't), etc.

 

Also, often times there will be family members of alcoholics that are in such dire straits (vs. you who is at the very beginning of this) that they are close to giving up on life. Those stories are a little tough to take, but are very useful because it shows where you might be down the road a bit.

 

Obviously I can't make him change if he doesn't want to--I'm sure that, even if he quits because I ask him to, it'll only be a matter of time before he looks around at all his family and friends partying, decides that he should be able to do that, too, gets resentful of me imposing on him, and goes right back to drinking.

 

Bingo... you can't get him, or anybody, to change in this situation until they WANT to do it. You could play "lawyer" and present the 1,000 pieces of evidence that proves beyond the shadow of a doubt how bad alcoholism is, and the 0 reasons why it is not bad, and your bf will most likely "not read the spray paint completely," as the previous poster stated.

 

This is because a person usually needs to hit "rock bottom" for them to realize they need help, and rock bottoms are usually events that cause horrible despair (getting arrested, hurting somebody, losing a home, being on the street, losing a spouse, etc.).

 

Denial is HUGE. And denial of denial is ever worse. When I look at what I've done I'm like, "woah, wtf?" I wasn't reading the spray paint that I had a problem when I'd guzzle drinks, buy alcohol from different stores each day so that nobody thought I had a problem, convince myself that only drinking beer (like 16-18 a night in rapid succession) was fine because "at least I didn't touch the hard stuff," that taking a day off from drinking here and there proved I didn't have a problem, because I was "functional," or that I was fine because I never got a DUI, arrested, lost my family, etc. When I traveled for work, I'd know the time that each state stoped selling alcohol at night and bring some with if I'd get in too late.

 

Also, I'd hide my drinking or make it look like I was drinking less by using a larger cup (drinking 2-3 at a time), crushing and hiding the beer cans, etc. I knew I was doing each of these things and more, but until I hit my rock bottom, I figured something was definitely wrong with me but I wasn't an alcoholic! When I hit rock bottom, I went the next day for treatment and haven't touched any since, and have no cravings or desires to do so again.

 

Treatment is not about living your life day-by-day lusting for alcohol but having self-control enough to abstain - it is about reprogramming yourself to not even desire it, think about it, get hot and bothered if you go out and people are drinking, etc. It takes a lot of work, and must start with detox because going cold turkey on alcohol can cause seizures and sometimes death. Doctors say that it's worse than coming off of narcotics.

 

Just be careful about talking to your bf about this. Getting called out on having a drinking problem can cause people to get very angry or defensive if you're not buying the excuses he'll make. He'll try to make deals and compromises, or do anything else to assure you it's OK, that his case is "different," etc. If you confront him after you've done some homework, you will see how his responses will come out almost verbatim to what you've read.

 

Alcoholics often speak of taking things "one day at a time," or even "one hour at a time." You need to really consider, being with your bf for only 3-months, if you would like to take on such a challenging role. Do you want to be there when he hits rock bottom (or hits you, god forbid)? Do you want to live on the edge daily, because next week, next month, or 12-years from now he slips and the cycle begins again? Untreated, alcoholics will die from alcohol at some (mostly early) point.

 

But the cycle doesn't have to repeat again - he may give-up drinking for his entire life from the moment you confront him. However, alcoholism is a disease, and drinking is a coping mechanism. When you take away the drinking, you're left with a person who is still an addict/alcoholic who doesn't have a crutch anymore. If this person doesn't seek help regularly - for the REST OF HIS LIFE - all the issues that made him drink will still be there. It's called being a "dry drunk."

 

I'm sorry for being so longwinded, but I want to leave you with this. You mentioned in your first post that your bf would get anxious after he drinks, or would drink because he was depressed. A big question people have is: "do I drink because I am depressed," or "am I depressed because I drink?" the answer is YES. It's a chicken-and-the-egg situation and drinking is both causing and making the situation worse.

 

I am happy to discuss this more and at any time. Just ask-away...

 

cj

[curlygirl40]

Wanted to chime in on my story, incase you can get anything out of it.

 

I dated my now ex husband (dammit, just gave away the ending, lol) for almost 2 years and didn't realize what a problem he had with alcohol until I moved in with him. As soon as I moved in, I realized what a big problem this was going to be. He knew I was going to move back out, so he dumped all of the alcohol down the sink and said he would never drink again so he didn't lose me.

 

For 18 years he didn't drink. BUT he also never got any help for WHY he drank. After my divorce, I spoke to several people who said he was a 'dry drunk' (never heard that term before). He wasn't drinking but was miserable, had a lot of anxiety and anger issues, etc. Was anti social, hated to travel, was not good with our kids, etc. He was very difficult to be around. I walked on eggshells through the later years of our marriage, and as the kids got older so did they. It was a difficult life.

 

So if your boyfriend does admit that he has a problem and agrees to do something about it, make sure he gets help for the 'why' of his drinking. AA. Therapy. Whatever works for him, but something aside from white knuckling.

 

Just my opinion.

[curlygirl40]

You are very intuitive.

 

 

But the cycle doesn't have to repeat again - he may give-up drinking for his entire life from the moment you confront him. However, alcoholism is a disease, and drinking is a coping mechanism. When you take away the drinking, you're left with a person who is still an addict/alcoholic who doesn't have a crutch anymore. If this person doesn't seek help regularly - for the REST OF HIS LIFE - all the issues that made him drink will still be there. It's called being a "dry drunk."

 

 

cj

 

I posted before I read your post cj.

 

I quoted this part because that was exactly my ex. Quit drinking when he realized he was going to lose me, but never got help. It was definitely the demise of our marriage. Years later but still. I always thought he would mellow out when he got older but he just got worse. I eventually couldn't live like that anymore and got a divorce. He went back to drinking, his family tells me that he is always calling them drunk, and he ended up in the ER not long ago because he was drunk and fell down and hurt himself. He still blames the divorce on me, will never admit he has a problem. It's not pretty.

 

I hope this works out for you OP.

[CaptJay]

I posted before I read your post cj.

 

That's great. I think that one of the most important elements of getting one's head around the problem - with themselves or with others - is reading as many real-life stories as possible. When people see that most of them seem to say the same thing (because alcoholism has predictable and recognizable symptoms), the more they realize how serious the condition is.

 

I encourage anybody with a story to share, and a willingness to share it, to post their experiences. Sadly, for every one person that asks a question about alcoholism, there are probably a dozen more that don't ask but read about others' experiences.

[darkmoon]

run - now

no way do you want to take a drinker seriously, do not marry him

 

you will be the baby-sitter while he goes out,

seen it a fair few times, drinkers go out to have a beer, while the wife stays in

or they get drunk around the house, not much better

 

you don't want to hear this

because you are hoping that he's not that bad,

 

husbands who do not drink are better than ones that do,

drunken slobs, goes double for whiskey drinkers

no help with babies, too drunk

Edited September 20, 2012 by darkmoon

[CaptJay]

run - now

you will be the baby-sitter while he goes out,

seen it a fair few times, drinkers go out to have a beer, while the wife stays in or they get drunk around the house, not much better

 

Don't forget having to baby sit the drunk partner too!

[amaysngrace]

I went out with an alcoholic for four years before I finally couldn't do it anymore.

 

At first it was great. He was deep and reflective and fun. I loved being with him and talking to him and sex was great because I think being drunk made his dick numb or something so he would last a really long time. I love that about him.

 

And we would talk and talk and talk but then I started realizing that he didn't really remember our conversations. Or I'd buy him a little gift or something and he thought it was his mom who brought it over.

 

It's like we were in two different relationships sharing different memories.

 

He had depression too. I think it was an excuse to drink because he'd say drinking made him not feel like himself which was good for him not to feel like himself because he's sad.

 

I finally had to leave him be which wasn't easy because I am crazy about him but I need more than what he could offer me.

 

I want someone to make memories with who can actually remember them.

[spiderowl]

He's drinking a lot and he's drinking alone. While none of this means that he is an alcoholic, he is heading that way. I think you should trust your instinct that it's not as neat as it seems. How do you know he's not drinking when you are not there? How do you know he is not drinking every day? I'd be very surprised if he wasn't. I know someone who was an alcoholic; he hid it from his family, he had bottles everywhere, concealed - in the shed, under the stairs, in the garage.

 

He might be saying he wants to cut back because he knows he needs to. It doesn't mean he's capable of doing it or that he is doing it. It may well be a sign that he knows he's not winning the battle. At least he is saying he wants to cut back and not justifying it.

[startinganew777]

I posted earlier but wanted to share my story as well. I met my X husband when I was 21, he was 25. He was deep and intense and the connection was like no other. He was very creative and romantic so it was never a dull moment. We went out and drank. A lot. We loved going out to listen to live bands, eat good food and drink good wine. We went to his family's lake house and drank all weekend long but had a blast. I had a lot of fun with him. But there were those times where he would drink too much and we would get into arguments. But the next morning, he always gave me a big hug, told me how sorry he was and that it wouldn't happen again.

 

It became a vicious cycle for years and years to come. He would get so mad when I brought up his drinking and how it was getting worse. He would drink probably a 6 pack a night, sometimes more and this was everyday. He started getting angry when I didn't feel like drinking and told me I wasn't fun anymore. Then on the weekends, it was really bad. Vodka. He loved it. And his whole personality changed when he drank it. One time he got so drunk while we were out of town with some friends, I threatened to leave and he told me he hoped that I would get kidnapped, raped and murdered! I will never forget that. The next morning of course, it was apology after apology and promises of it never happening again and that he would slow down his drinking. He never did and if he did, it lasted a week or so.

 

He did stop drinking once for a month. It was great. We get really close again and he was a different person. Then after that month he started acting weird. I was then finding empty bottles of vodka in our place, in his car and confronted him. He told me he can do whatever he wants and there is nothing wrong with drinking. This went on and on until one day I decided to leave. He cried and begged me to stay, this time was different and that he would change. By then he had 2 DWIs and still drove my car around while drinking without a license. I couldn't take it anymore. The mental abuse, the constant worrying about him, the lies, the manipulation, the excuses, my god there were so many excuses as to why he drank.

 

When I left I told him he needed to get help, get his license back, stop drinking and be sober for a while before I would think about coming back. I was separated from him for a year and a half. He never did anything I asked of him. So I filed for divorce. You better believe he got his butt into detox right when I did that so that I would come back. He said it was the hardest thing he has ever done, never wanted to go through it again. I told him he still needed to get help. See a counselor, go to AA. I am pretty sure he is ADHD and bipolar and also has some depression and had a really tough childhood. He needed to get down to the bottom of why he drank and take care of those issues so he wouldn't feel the need to drink again. He never did get help so I finally cut all ties with him. We haven't spoken in months. My mother saw him the other day walking his dog, on a break from work and she said she was pretty sure he was drunk.

 

So sad. He was a good guy with a huge heart but had a hard life. I worry about him all the time. He also dabbled in drugs here and there too. I am sure he is drinking again. He told me over and over if I left he would kill himself. That he would have nothing. Unfortunately I think he will either overdose, drink himself to death or something and I don't want to be around to see it. We were together over 10 years and he was my best friend and it is so sad to know that we may never talk to see each other again.

 

I was living in a nightmare and although I worry about him on a daily basis and miss the good times, I am more happy now than I have ever been. I feel free and at peace. I also pray that he does one day get the help he needs but I know he is in denial. With the alcoholism and the other underlying issues. I just want him to be happy but don't see that happening.

 

Please take a step back and realize it will be a life long struggle for you and him. Even if he does stop drinking, there may be times he resents you. Alcohol is always there and in your face. It would be a constant reminder about the issues he has. Sad but true.

[fucpcg]

You have got perfect help in here, so I won't expand on that at all, just read and reread the postings in here.

 

I will only add that I dated a girl who I didn't know at all before dating, turns out many of my friends did, and found out later she had the reputation of being an alcoholic. She didn't see it at all, she just thought she was a normal drinker like everyone else at the bar. Well that alone was a problem for me, because I don't drink hardly ever. She got me to go out with her maybe 3-4 times, then when I realized these weren't nights out, but just any average night, I quit joining her. When I did she would go out anyway, then try to come over after getting drunk, looking for sex. Well couple times of that and I stopped that from happening as well, I wasn't here to be her drunken sex (while she was calling me boyfriend, but I don't know why all she did was try to use me as drunk booty call). I tried to work thru this with her for two months, because every time she was sober, she would tell me she didn't want that life anymore. Then every time she had a chance to be with me, she would be out drinking instead. Finally I broke up with her.

 

Okay, Act 2. She drunken texted me what an ******* I am, something that always happened when she drank and I refused to join her. I'm sitting at home watching a movie, minding my own.... and in comes the text "you're such an *******". That was that, after two months I snapped, I told her never contact me again we are done. She texted me about 4 more times that night all about me being an *******, I ignored it. Starting 8am the next day my phone was blowing up with calls and texts, I'm soo sorry I'm sooo sorry. I don't respond. A couple hours later she shows up in my driveway with her 3 children in the car, the children I had already done a ton of things with during our time together, the children she knew I was attached to. She's trying to talk to me "I need you, the children need you, don't give up on us, I need you, I will do anything to get back together".. I refused to talk to her about it that day, or even for a week, but all I could think about was those 3 sad faces and how desperate she was to get back together, and how sincere she seemed. Finally I accepted a chance to talk, and told her flat out "quit drinking 100%, not even a single beer ever, and I will get back with you". She said she would, she did, and we had an amazing year together.

 

Act 3, we get into an argument. She's acting like a dry drunk, something that I had to learn what it meant as well. Oh boy did I learn. I did go off the hook on her one day, I still hold a lot of regret, but she was not being a good mom to one of her children, repeatedly, and I called her out on it. She breaks up with me, accuses me of being abusive boyfriend, tells me she will never speak to me again, and I am never allowed to see her children again they are NOT my children, nor my business (of course, she had no problem having me raise them the year we were together, because of the tumultuous relationship she had with them because of her drinking)

 

Act 4, this is now 1.5 years later, this whole time since the split she is out drinking 3-4 nights a week, and telling people she is out there getting drunk basically because of all the emotional damage I did to her while we were dating. Not only did this girl go right back to the life that she said she never wanted in her life anymore, she threw me under the bus so as to be her cover story or excuse for that kind of behavior from a mother of 3.

 

NEVER, EVER IN MY LIFE WILL I EVER EVEN CONSIDER DATING A WOMAN WITH AN ALCOHOL PROBLEM AGAIN. She went right back to where she came from, and my heart got shattered 4 times for trying to make a difference.

 

Alcohol = run!