LDR after years together?

[hotairballoons]

Hello,

 

I have read many posts on here about difficult issues with LDRs. I am wondering if any of you have been in a LTR with someone (3 or more years) and then had to live hours away? How did you handle that transition? Do you think it is more difficult or less difficult than if you had only been dating a short time or started off as long distance? What sort of things get you through? Did you lay out guidelines ahead of time before the big move?

[hotairballoons]

Advice anyone?

[FitChick]

After three years, you should know if you want to marry that person or not. Unless you are kids still in college.

[pie2]

Well, it's not an easy situation to be in.

 

In my experience (I didn't handle the transition very well), but time was the biggest remedy. It seems like it took so long, but after awhile (a long while), the pain of separation lessened. Unfortunately, after awhile, then you can get too used to being alone again! Kind of a lose-lose situation.

 

To make it through as a couple, I think the only thing that will keep the relationship alive is commitment. Not Skype, or phone calls, or frequent visits. Because all of that can get old real quick. There can be a lot of loneliness, and, IMO, only a strong sense of commitment to your SO will get you through.

 

All in all, LDRs are NOT ideal or recommended (I speak from experience), and anything you can do to be together would be best. But, it IS possible to survive, and if your relationship can weather the storms it will face in this situation, your bond will probably strengthen, and you'll know you can make it through many trials to come.

[esstea]

Everything pie2 said, I strong agree with.

 

The pain of separation will definitely go away as we adapt to change, but then you get use to being alone, and it's easy for a relationship to kind of downward spiral from there.

 

My boyfriend and I transitioned into a super long distance relationship. He left at the end of August 2012 to study abroad in Germany and he'll be there for 6 months. Essentially, it was SO hard. It was very hard on me and I actually broke up with him about 3 times before I finally realized quitting isn't an option. I love this man so I'll do and go through whatever to make it work.

 

But yeah at first, everything just seems so impossible. You come up with all these reasons in your head as to why it's not going to work, blah blah our communication is off, and all that crap. Let me tell you right now that you can't let those thoughts make you lose sight of your relationship. Stick any two people in any given situation, literally ANY situation; if they wanted to be together enough, they'd make it work no matter what.

 

Secondly, because you are transitioning into a a long distance relationship, you then need to re-define your relationship. What I mean by this is you need to really talk about boundaries, communication, how you plan on making time for each other etc. We made guidelines before hand but you never really know how a situation turns out until both of you guys are actually apart. You need to figure out what your needs are, and what his needs are. A problem that arose in my relationship was my needs weren't matching his. He would feel comfortable talking to me for a couple days a week, whereas I felt like I needed to talk to him everyday. You just need to make sure you both are on the same page with everything.

 

I feel like all the lessons you learn in a LDR come in time. You'll be warned for problems but.. you just have to handle them face on. But at least you'll have a better mindset when dealing with them.

 

As to your second question, I think transitioning into a LDR is harder. Just because it's change. And change tends to throw a lot of people off. But think of this whole thing as Darwin's theory of natural selection: it's simply survival of the fittest. Don't let your relationship crumble over inept change. Learn to adapt, and your relationship will be stronger than ever.

[shorty7]

I was with my boyfriend (now fiancée) for 6 years before we entered into a LDR. He's currently in Asia, I'm on the West Coast. So with a 16-hour time difference, it was quite a shift in adjustments. We just recently celebrated 2 full years living this way. (He's a teacher overseas, so of course he's had time to come back and visit for weeks during Christmas and summer breaks. We just got engaged 2 months ago.)

 

For a lot of the stuff that people talk about commitment, the success we share in our current relationship is a result of a LOT of practice. During the 6 years before the 6,000 mile separation, we've had a shorter LDR when I was 200 miles away to finish my undergrad education to get my Bachelor's for 1.5 years. We've had to learn how to share intimacy over the phone and video chatting. We've had to learn how to separate our lives and impose personal responsibilities on ourselves. And when we're back together for the short times we're visiting each other, we had to learn to be prepared to put everything down to take time off from school, work, and sometimes daily lives and even the little things like laundry just so we could have one more hour with our significant other. So like a week before him visiting, I spent many a nights on 3~4 hours of sleep trying to get myself way ahead of my study schedule so I could focus all of my available time in enjoying my time with him.

 

So for me, my current LDR is an extension of that, just with the adjustment of the time-zone difference. The best time we get together to talk are early in the mornings (he'll call me to wake me up in the morning while he gets ready to wind down and go to bed), or on weekends. There's a lot of times we just have our iPhones on FaceTime for a couple of hours but us just working on our computers (me studying / him correcting his students' papers). It makes us have that imitated sense of being in the same room. Which if we were married, we figured that "work time at home" would be a shared activity we do simultaneously but working independently.

 

Since you've been together with him for a significant amount of time, it might be a good opportunity to evaluate where you both envision your relationship heading to. If it doesn't seem like the LDR thing is a temporary thing, then all the better you guys get together and have that eye-to-eye conversation about your relationship.

 

Some Key Things:

1. Take advantage of technology. FaceTime is a godsend.
   
2. Have an understanding that there are 99% of things out there that are out of your control. The only single thing you have control over is your mindset.
   
3. Establish time slots when you can set aside to talk to each other.
   
4. Learn to be independent of each other, and understand that the time you have alone to yourself is important for your own self-enhancing activities too.
   
5. Establish visits and when they are happening, ASAP. This probably won't happen until either party reaches his/her destination of separation, but if you have something to look forward to, you establish goals you commit yourself to before you can leave your daily priorities to go visit, which will keep you busy in the meantime.
   
6. Learn to let go. As in, if something bad happens, learn to learn what can be done better in the future rather than dwelling on the past.
   
7. Learn to communicate. SAY what you MEAN, and MEAN what you SAY.
   

Sorry for the TL;DR. But all relationships are only relevant to those who are in it and differ in form for every couple out there. You'll have to work out your own kinks as you go along as every other LDR couple did, but I hope my experience helps. If you take it in as a part of a journey and take it as an opportunity to learn something new about yourselves in the new stage of developing your relationship, it'll never be a time you feel was wasted.

 

Good luck.

[ladyabstrused]

Never lacking of great advice from shorty7.

She's always been such a great help, was one of the people I've had support from when I was going through my break up of a LDR for about 5 years. (Hope all's well with you, shorty7!)

 

I'd agree with her really and the other posters above. It's true, if the both of you really want it work, it can and will work if there are the essentials in the relationship. Such as honest communication, constant updates at the same time, enough space for individual time etc. Won't say much more cos I think the other posters have given really great advice. So, don't worry too much. I think communication is the key in any LDR situations.