SecretFlower Posted September 18, 2012 Posted September 18, 2012 I had a discussion with some friends (including one who had an affair with a MM) and we were discussing all of the reasons I shouldn't get back together with x-MM (all of which I already know), but it got me thinking about the ending moment. Any OW knows that there is typically a point where either you leave, they leave, or you get found out. For me, it was me making the decision to leave and him being rather less than pleasant about it. Actually, I remember him kissing me and rather nastily saying he wanted to remember me exactly like that (as his mistress and a bit of slut) and that was it for me. But what about all of you? Was it d-day that made you finally leave? Did you leave prior? Or did he leave you and you were forced to accept that it was over? Or did you simply part happily and have never really felt any different?
AnotherRound Posted September 18, 2012 Posted September 18, 2012 I had a discussion with some friends (including one who had an affair with a MM) and we were discussing all of the reasons I shouldn't get back together with x-MM (all of which I already know), but it got me thinking about the ending moment. Any OW knows that there is typically a point where either you leave, they leave, or you get found out. For me, it was me making the decision to leave and him being rather less than pleasant about it. Actually, I remember him kissing me and rather nastily saying he wanted to remember me exactly like that (as his mistress and a bit of slut) and that was it for me. But what about all of you? Was it d-day that made you finally leave? Did you leave prior? Or did he leave you and you were forced to accept that it was over? Or did you simply part happily and have never really felt any different? Good question! Let's see... I broke a little when I found out he was married, as I didn't know initially. He was dishonest about it. And that definitely played into my back and forth with him over the years (always at my direction, never his). I left him prior to the divorce, but there was never a DDay and didn't need to be one, as he told her that he was going to see someone else. She said, "do what you want", which she probably didn't mean, but then would never talk about it again. I know some think it was "mean" of him to say this, but honestly, he only said it after YEARS of trying to talk to her about the issues in the marriage and her refusing. I'm not sure we parted "happily" necessarily. We were back on for a while, and getting along really well. And then one night, he stayed over and we had this silly little disagreement (you know how those go, lol) and I was just ... done. It wasn't the fight, it was so stupid honestly. It was just a build up for me of EVERYTHING. Every little issue we had ever had piled on top of the fact that it was an A. It really was the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back. It was just the final thing I could carry. So, he left that night, angrily. And we cooled off for a couple of days. Then he called me, apologized, and wanted to discuss some communication skills we could use in the future to decrease those little arguments. And I just didn't want to. Not that I didn't love him, or my feelings had changed for him - and he begged for MONTHS for me to try to work it out with him. But my heart just wasn't in it. I think it had gotten to the point where I was just too tired to engage anymore. It was hard to resist him bc I did still love him. He tried for months. He was calling me and trying to get me to work on it. He struggled with that a lot bc I had always been willing to discuss things and work on them, but I guess I had just reached my limit. More than anything (the little disagreements are nothing to me) it was simply that I was still struggling, after 7 years, with the fact that it was an A and I wasn't comfortable with it. It was an easy little break in that way. He did contact me one final time and said that if I was not interested in continuing our relationship, or at least trying to work on it, that he was going to move forward accordingly. I said great. It wasn't really great, but I can't blame him if I'm not willing to pursue a relationship, ya know? lol I mean, how long is he supposed to wait while I give him nothing? It's the natural order of things, people move on. He tried, he gave me time, and I didn't change my mind, so he moved on. He got another OW several months after we split. And that was a disaster for him. Within 6 months she was showing up at the house and causing chaos. The wife knew about her too, but was embarrassed (and maybe forced to face it?) that now the neighbors knew (they already knew, she just didn't face that they knew I guess, but this she couldn't act like she didn't know as they were there when it happened). So, it blew up. The new OW went bunny boiler on him (restraining orders all around, lol), and the wife filed for divorce. My biggest issue was always their inactivity. Their refusal to address their marriage, their issues, and sort that ****e out. I have a really hard time understanding it sometimes, but, I'm not them, so whatevs. And he didn't lie to me, so that helped. And he didn't future fake or gaslight, definitely helpful. But in the end, I was just done being their band aid. And obviously I was, bc once I was gone, it went to hell pretty quickly for them. What is seen cannot be unseen - and they were forced to handle it. So now they are handling it. I guess. I still think they are both avoiding the inevitable, and it still looks like a train wreck from where I'm sitting, but I've washed my hands of it. Well, until he called me and said he was done reconciling and wanted to try a relationship with me if I was willing. He knew the main reason I ended it was the A, the rest was just noise. So, he has offered me that, and as of now, not sure. Right now I'm just staying out of it and observing, gathering information. No decisions to be made as of yet, and maybe never will be depending. Only time will tell. In the mean time, just being me.
sleepie Posted September 18, 2012 Posted September 18, 2012 I couldn't bear the guilt of lying to my H anymore. But it was a combination of factors: xMOM had grown distant, I was buried under guilt (because of my H), I was tired of the lies (to my H), tired of the fights (with xMOM), tired of being a selfish, self-centered person, tired of risking my whole life for something/someone who wasn't worthy. I don't know that there was one breaking "point." Just one day I said to myself, "Enough is enough." 1
AnotherRound Posted September 18, 2012 Posted September 18, 2012 I couldn't bear the guilt of lying to my H anymore. But it was a combination of factors: xMOM had grown distant, I was buried under guilt (because of my H), I was tired of the lies (to my H), tired of the fights (with xMOM), tired of being a selfish, self-centered person, tired of risking my whole life for something/someone who wasn't worthy. I don't know that there was one breaking "point." Just one day I said to myself, "Enough is enough." Same. It was more of a gradual wearing down... not an exact moment that I can pinpoint.
ImperfectionisBeauty Posted September 18, 2012 Posted September 18, 2012 I wasn't technically the other woman since we did have sex but I Broke down and texted josh because I wanted to know if he still wanted to hook up and stuff and he didn't respond I guess he doesn't want me anymore which makes me super sad. I hope I meet a single guy who is like him
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