sleepie Posted September 18, 2012 Posted September 18, 2012 After 5 weeks, xMOM broke NC to tell me he missed me, etc. I responded because I was drunk and feeling nostalgic, and because I had been feeling strong and focused during those weeks, so I figured I could handle it. Yes, I was foolish. It was, thankfully, a short conversation. I am afraid xMOM will try to contact me again at some point in the future. I feel absolutely STUPID for responding to him and not sticking with NC, and now I feel I must do whatever I can to get back on track. Our conversation this last time ended amiably. Can I just go NC again without giving xMOM any warning? I know that sounds harsh, but I'm afraid to engage him in conversation again. On another note, sometimes I feel as if this will drag on forever. Not the A. That's over. But the aftermath. As if it will never go away. It's exhausting. I want so much to have my life back. And I'm trying, every day, to get it back. I don't have feelings for xMOM anymore, other than maybe some fondness and regret. Yet it feels like I carry around this residue... or maybe a stain... on my soul all the time.
veryhappy Posted September 18, 2012 Posted September 18, 2012 I doubt he expects to hear from you, so just ignore him and get back to NC. He knows what's going on, so you're not depriving him of essential information, like in the case of going NC for the first time. 2
Author sleepie Posted September 18, 2012 Author Posted September 18, 2012 Thanks for the advice. I had pretty much decided that anyway--it's the safest and best route--but I guess I just wanted to make sure that it wasn't a cold-hearted thing to do. It's funny how they drag you back in. When he was being a total douchebag, I had no problem going NC with no warning or notice. But now that he talked to me all sugary nice and sweet, I feel like I "owe" him the courtesy of a "back to NC" notice. I swear these MM have a playbook or something. "The Douchebag's Guide to Manipulating Emotions." 1
underwater2010 Posted September 18, 2012 Posted September 18, 2012 Thanks for the advice. I had pretty much decided that anyway--it's the safest and best route--but I guess I just wanted to make sure that it wasn't a cold-hearted thing to do. It's funny how they drag you back in. When he was being a total douchebag, I had no problem going NC with no warning or notice. But now that he talked to me all sugary nice and sweet, I feel like I "owe" him the courtesy of a "back to NC" notice. I swear these MM have a playbook or something. "The Douchebag's Guide to Manipulating Emotions." Just stop talking with him. He does not need a warning. He is just trying to reel you in again. If he emails, texts, calls just delete it. Without reading or listening. He is not worth your time and energy.
Owl Posted September 18, 2012 Posted September 18, 2012 Sleepie, this is just one more reason you should tell (per your other thread). If xMM knows that your H is aware and tracking all of your texts/emails, and he risks exposure by your H to his wife...odds are, he'll back off.
BetrayedH Posted September 18, 2012 Posted September 18, 2012 He obviously don't have your best interests at heart or he would leave you alone. You don't owe him anything. Silence speaks volumes. Blocking his methods of contact is probably a good next step and voluntarily doing it will mean something to your H if you decide to disclose. Do one correct/right/ethical/honest thing after another and you will not see yourself as so selfish anymore. It is right to stay NC with your OM. It is right to be honest with your husband. Don't look backwards. Look forward at how to keep making the next right decision and I think you will see that you have your life back and then some. 1
Author sleepie Posted September 18, 2012 Author Posted September 18, 2012 He obviously don't have your best interests at heart or he would leave you alone. You don't owe him anything. Silence speaks volumes. Blocking his methods of contact is probably a good next step and voluntarily doing it will mean something to your H if you decide to disclose. Do one correct/right/ethical/honest thing after another and you will not see yourself as so selfish anymore. It is right to stay NC with your OM. It is right to be honest with your husband. Don't look backwards. Look forward at how to keep making the next right decision and I think you will see that you have your life back and then some. Yes. I agree with everything you say here wholeheartedly. In fact, I'm going to download a block/blacklist app right now. I could change my number, but he's proven he has ways to get it. Best choice may be just to blacklist him straight out. I'll always see myself as selfish, though. Just hope someday I can learn a little bit about putting others before myself.
Owl Posted September 18, 2012 Posted September 18, 2012 Like BH said...start NOW to do the right thing...and eventually you'll be able to view yourself in a better light. Continue to do the wrong thing...and your view won't change.
Ladydrib Posted September 18, 2012 Posted September 18, 2012 On another note, sometimes I feel as if this will drag on forever. Not the A. That's over. But the aftermath. As if it will never go away. It's exhausting. I want so much to have my life back. And I'm trying, every day, to get it back. I don't have feelings for xMOM anymore, other than maybe some fondness and regret. Yet it feels like I carry around this residue... or maybe a stain... on my soul all the time. I know what you're talking about here. I feel the same way (except I am unfortunately still in love). Anyway, I don't know your whole story but by reading this thread, I see that you're married. Is it possible that you are trying to force yourself to be happy in a marriage that you can't be happy in, and maybe this is why you feel like you are carrying around the aftermath eternally? I ask this because I suspect it to be the case in my situation. But like I said, I don't know the history. Personally, I don't think I will feel like me again until I start over completely.
Author sleepie Posted September 19, 2012 Author Posted September 19, 2012 I know what you're talking about here. I feel the same way (except I am unfortunately still in love). Anyway, I don't know your whole story but by reading this thread, I see that you're married. Is it possible that you are trying to force yourself to be happy in a marriage that you can't be happy in, and maybe this is why you feel like you are carrying around the aftermath eternally? I ask this because I suspect it to be the case in my situation. But like I said, I don't know the history. Personally, I don't think I will feel like me again until I start over completely. This is not the situation in my case. I love my H, and want nothing more than a happy, fulfilling M with him that lasts for the rest of my life. I want no other man. Not other relationship. The guilt I carry is guilt for hurting the only man who has ever loved me completely, and the only man I have ever loved. In your case, though, if you don't mind a little unsolicited advice, I'd say that if you suspect that in your situation you carry the aftermath because you're unhappy in your M, then maybe you should start over completely. Not just for your H's sake, but also for yours. Some things--some relationships and some marriages--just aren't meant to be. And letting your M go so that both you and your H can find real happiness may be the right path for you. I wish you well. I know... believe me, I know... how hard all this can be.
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