Husband and I disagreeing about me taking a job

[getting it together]

hi all, this is my first post, tho I've been reading for a while now.

 

My husband has borderline personality disorder, after 18 years I'm hanging on by a thread. We have two pre-teen girls. I own a business, it is not very profitable, but it's close. I need to devote time to it but he hates it bc it keeps me from home for about 4-6 hours every other sat, I'm there on weekdays too while the kids are in school. I drop them off and pick them up every day. I'm home for them after school. I'm a night owl and work on my business after everyone is in bed. I try to not rock the boat and piss him off about it, I know, it's nuts. He wants me to go get a full time job, outside the house. My earning potential based on my last job is 60-80 a year. We live comfortably and if he would work with me and budget, we'd have savings. He won't and he spends everything left over. I hide money in a joint savings account so I'm not stealing it, it's his, just trying to save what I can. I've tried budgeting but he gets indignant about how HE earns it, so HE can spend it. No argument there, but i get blamed if we need a repair and we are short. If I try to discuss it, the bpd comes out and he'll say it's my fault bc I bought salmon instead of catfish 3 weeks ago (not exactly, but the arguement is usually non-sensicle). My current issue:

 

I found a telecommute job, 20 hours a week, 12 per hour. I can work it in my off time. I have to fly to NC to train for two days, will be gone from one morning to the next night. He is saying its stupid and insane. Im saying it's $1000 a month for not much work and I can do it while I'm in my office, because God forbid it impact him. He said that I should then just work at Starbucks which I tried to explain that they would demand specific hours from me for less money. He said that this is wasting my time and I should just get a full time job. I have applied for some, but they are hard to come by and he will freak if I have to put in extra hours. Even pre-kids he hated me working over time even if it was a night we had nothing planned, he hates being alone. He will hate when I have a full time job and he will not help during work hours with the kids. If they get sick I always had to take off from work. His argument is that, "he makes more and when I earn X, I can call the shots."

 

So, WWYD? I know his reactions aren't "normal" but I've been in this so long, I don't know what a regular relationship looks like any more. I need to tell this company today.

 

thx

[getting it together]

just to add a little more info on this for clarification, I desire to be comfortable in life: decent car, healthy kids, healthy food on the table, able to give my kids some stuff but not excess, nice modest house. And if that all falls through, then here's to hoping everyone is happy and healthy together with a roof over our heads. He desires wealth, designer everything and nothing is ever enough.

[denise_xo]

he hates it bc it keeps me from home for about 4-6 hours every other sat

 

He won't and he spends everything left over.

 

I've tried budgeting but he gets indignant about how HE earns it, so HE can spend it. No argument there, but i get blamed if we need a repair and we are short. If I try to discuss it, the bpd comes out and he'll say it's my fault bc I bought salmon instead of catfish 3 weeks ago (not exactly, but the arguement is usually non-sensicle).

 

Even pre-kids he hated me working over time even if it was a night we had nothing planned, he hates being alone. He will hate when I have a full time job and he will not help during work hours with the kids.

 

If they get sick I always had to take off from work. His argument is that, "he makes more and when I earn X, I can call the shots."

He desires wealth, designer everything and nothing is ever enough.

 

All of this would drive me absolutely insane. Why are you putting up with this crap? He sounds like a six year old boy.

 

If you want the job and it gives you an income you need, then take it and tell this man to grow a pair and also to do his share of child rearing.

[carhill]

Welcome to LS

 

Search postings by member Downtown for more information and great advice regarding being married to a BPD sufferer.

 

What's his medical status? Has he been clinically diagnosed with BPD or other psychological disorder/mental illness? If so, what is his med and therapy status?

 

Absent further information, my advice would be to take actions which in your judgment are beneficial for the family and ignore negative characterizations as irrelevant. Concurrently, examine your options should this marriage become untenable. Crazy can make crazy. BTDT. Your kids need as much healthy and responsible parenting/role-modeling as possible Sometimes the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few or the one.

 

Good luck and my sympathies.

[pink_sugar]

Sounds like a dammed if you do, doomed if you don't type of situation. To me personally, I'd want to make the 60-80k a year and that's only because I'm so tired of living check to check. But if you have savings, it doesn't sound like an issue to take a part time, lesser paying job. Does your H make a lot more? If so, it sounds like he's using that as a way to take control of the situation "it's my money, I can d what I want" and no matter what type of job you have, it's a big issue if he's spending his money carelessly and not saving. It affects you both. He also sounds like he wants his cake and to eat it too.Wants you to work, but then complains if you don't come home right away to be with him. I'd seek some marital and financial counseling if I were you.

[MuscleCarFan]

I just don't understand how you can stay married to the guy. Take the jon anyway. Screw what he thinks!