AnotherRound Posted September 18, 2012 Posted September 18, 2012 Another Round, I recognised the similarities in thinking and thought processes in your posts. I come from a family of talkers and nurturers and let's face whatever is wrong and sort it and fix it. Probably explained my career path. I have learned, IRL, to keep quiet sometimes as what seems so dammed obvious to me is not so for others and I too am the Mensa bod. First time I went to H's family for dinner, his Mum brought out a dammed hostess trolley, we had fish forks and it was all so proper I had a long fit of the giggles, which in my house would have had us all laughing, in his they all thought I was high from the smell of over boiled cabbage!! Lol. Yes, those similarities are pretty easy to pick up on quickly, and I am drawn to those types of people and not the other usually. I LOVE a good think session with someone. And it definitely explained my career path. Not everyone is wired to be in certain careers - and I know that mine is a perfect fit for me and my personality. Pretty awesome since I am so fulfilled with it and it doesn't seem like work! Lol at the dinners. Yes, I come from a VERY large family, both sides Catholic and working class. Very smart, very hardworking, and very expressive. I always had to warn people about my family, bc if you weren't comfortable in your own skin, you really could get lost in the shuffle! Lots of activity always, lots of babies and children, and LOTS of discussions. Most of the time, at least 6 or 7 at once, across each other, into other rooms... lol. I really do miss that as we are all spread out now, and many have passed on. It was great when I was a kid, I LOVED it. Loved watching my parents and grandparents, these hardworking factory workers, sometimes still in their work uniforms, discussing politics, and religion, and getting passionate and expressive with one another. Then, laughing, hugging, patting each other on the back, and sitting down to eat together. And, I really miss my Gmas food spreads! lol I try to be understanding of other's styles with communication, and sometimes I do well, sometimes not - depends on the situation. But I do admit, it does irk me when someone attempts to dispute proven things and convince me that 2+2=5 when I KNOW it equals 4! But, that is what makes our world go around. I always kind of hope that I live to see the day when the majority of the population is "evolved", bc I think it would make a MUCH more peaceful country to live in. I don't know if it will ever happen, but probably not in my lifetime. Too bad, bc I would LOVE to see how different it would be, and I think it's on the way with these younger generations. Critical thinkers all over the place with them! Exciting times, and does at times make me wish I was 20 years younger!
Bittersweetie Posted September 19, 2012 Posted September 19, 2012 Looking back, I thought I was communicating but I realized I wasn't doing it strong enough. I would share my thoughts or feelings and then let resentment build because I didn't think H was listening to me. Well, I was talking to him, sharing important things, while he was a) on the laptop for work b) watching TV c) cooking dinner etc. Rarely did I stop him and say, I want to talk about something important to me. How was he to know how important it was if I didn't say so? As for H, he's a classic middle child, always trying to smooth over conflict. He admits now that he used to enable me, let me get away with things, because he didn't want to cause a problem, and because of some residual guilt he felt over something that happened early in our relationship (something that was NOT his fault but he felt that way regardless). So I know now that our communication styles weren't that great. Now we're much, much better. For well over a year after d-day we had weekly talks where nothing was on, it was just us, and anything could be said and taken seriously. At first the talk revolved around my A, but as time passed it included other issues, past and present. Now, if one of us had something important to say, we say, "Let's have talk time," and the other knows it's important. I would say our communication has improved drastically, but is still a work in progress. We haven't had a talk time in a while, but that's because our house is in a bit of madness...the baby decided to arrive over a month early. But even with all the madness, I'm going out of my way to share my feelings with him regardless of their emotional stupidity (I'm a hormone disaster right now), and I listen when he needs to share. I truly believe that our new approach to communication has made our relationship much stronger than it was before.
Snowflower Posted September 19, 2012 Posted September 19, 2012 We still have issues, but are much better. I'm all drama and overly emotional and I think my personality overpowered him for a long time and made our problems worse. D-Days exacerbated my emotions for years. The louder I got, the quieter he got. We were spinning our wheels for years. Finally I made a (fairly) consistent change in how I talk to him. I remind him when I'm angry and fuming about something that its not him I'm pissed at right now, it's someone else. He really needs to hear that because I found out that pretty much anytime I was angry or upset he took it personally even when it was clear I was not even talking about him! He calls it "throwing my anger onto him". I never understood that, I just felt like I was venting in his presence. I wasn't asking him to do anything, I was just letting off steam, but he always took it personally. It was a vicious circle because I started to just seethe about things because he would try to shut down any expression of too much emotion, and then eventually I would blow up inappropriately. I felt like that girl in the old Voices Carry video. lol Things are much better now, but nothing got better until I changed my behavior. I had the Divorce Busting book for years before I finally tried some of the things Michelle suggested like "act as if". <--- that one works but I found it was not easy to put into practice. When I changed, he changed. What you wrote here was very much like my experience with my husband both before and after his affair. I've written here before that my H and I have had a very difficult reconciliation. TMI to post here but yeah, we almost divorced at least twice. Then I stumbled across something in a book that changed my perspective. It isn't perfect but it is working. Like you said, when you got louder he got quieter? Yep, same thing with me and my husband. I would talk and talk and think out loud and vent and cry. And he would withdraw. Then I would vent louder! Talk about a vicious circle! Finally, I learned to just "shut up." When I am quiet and calm, I get the reaction I want out of him...to connect with me, to open up emotionally, etc. It's easy but difficult for me at the same time. 1
Decorative Posted September 19, 2012 Posted September 19, 2012 In our marriage, prior to the affair, my spouse was, as Glass highlights, the over benefited partner. Our communication was good, however, I was too accomodating. His family of origin is all kinds of messed up and cold ( though it looks perfect on the outside), and I grew up with a mom that is a borderline. So, yeah, in retrospect? Yes. We could absolutely talk. But I insulated him more than I should have- propped him up, showered him with affection. And in the state he was emotionally, he was like a bucket with a hole in it. I was never going to be able to kept it filled. He had to learn to plug the hole. This was actually the hardest thing for me to handle post DDay (and there were 2, we had a false recovery). I struggled to accept that it wasn't my fault. In my head, at first, I thought if it had been my fault, and not his weakness, then my behavior could fix us, heal us, and prevent it from ever happening again. That's not the case. 1
eleanorrigby Posted September 19, 2012 Posted September 19, 2012 Finally, I learned to just "shut up." When I am quiet and calm, I get the reaction I want out of him...to connect with me, to open up emotionally, etc. It's easy but difficult for me at the same time. Yes! It is easy, but so hard to do! But the results are amazing. The more control I have over my emotions, the more caring, open and emotional he becomes. All those old books were right, and a lot of those little tiny changes they suggest make huge differences. Kaizen in my marriage.
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