Change Yourself To Be Attractive?

[Lonely Ronin]

Chicken or the egg. My dating life was miserable before I was negative. My negativity was born FROM my dating life, not the other way around. My problems with guys started long before I became negative as a result of it.

I was referring to your overall negativity towards life, not just dating. I'm pretty sure you have made comments about issue with friends and piers as far back as high school. Thus my opinion is you've had negative personality traits since childhood that make people (male & female) not want to be around you.

 

 

YES, exactly. Who I am naturally, and what my personality is, is fundamentally unattractive, as you've laid out. SO, do I change my entire personality?.

 

I've already said I want a guy with common interests, who is intellectual and analytical.

 

Your previous two comments are interrelated as far as I'm concerned. First, you need to contemplate in more detail what you want from a guy. You then need to consider what personality traits are going to come packaged with said guy, and how they are going to play with your personality. Some personalities just don't mesh well, and that leads to two possible outcomes. The relationship ends/never starts, or someones personality changes.

 

Imo what you are looking for in a guy (nerdy/geeky, intellectual, analytical) doesn't normally mesh well with personality types such as yours is currently.

 

Thus you have two options. Change your personality to attract the guys you want, or change your taste in men based on your personality. This is a choice you and you alone have to make. Only you can decide if you want to change, and how much of you, you are willing to change.

[verhrzn]

If V had a "I don't give an eff what people think about me" then that would solve the majority of her problems.

 

Yes, because acting like I don't care about them will REALLY endure people to me.

[xxoo]

Because I want a family and a husband to raise kids with, and I want a dog and a house and the typical "standard life" that other people have.

 

I know you do, V, but none of us is guaranteed that. Many, many people live alone, happily, even though they want that. Life doesn't go "according to plan" for many.

 

The secret to happiness is gratitude. Focus on all your blessings, instead of your wants.

[verhrzn]

I was referring to your overall negativity towards life, not just dating. I'm pretty sure you have made comments about issue with friends and piers as far back as high school. Thus my opinion is you've had negative personality traits since childhood that make people (male & female) not want to be around you.

 

Nope! In childhood I was an annoyingly upbeat kid. Very hyper, very bouncy and chatty and friendly. My peers HATED me because I was so outgoing. My friends used to complain about how annoying I was, not because I was negative, but because I wasn't. I developed being negative as a reaction somewhere in middle school.... I just finally got fed up trying to be happy with myself and getting bullied for it.

 

Fun story: when I was in 4th grade, my best friend tried to turn the entire grade against me. She chased me down on the playground, and started choking me, because.... well, I don't know why. From elementary to high school, if I wasn't her friend she would bully me (leaving mean notes in my locker) and turn other girls against me, and put on big dramatic scenes of how she liked me SO much and we were SO close. When I finally gave in, she would tell me how awful I was and how no one liked me. If THAT wouldn't make someone negative, I don't know what will.... But it wasn't the result of me being negative.

 

Thus you have two options. Change your personality to attract the guys you want, or change your taste in men based on your personality. This is a choice you and you alone have to make. Only you can decide if you want to change, and how much of you, you are willing to change.

 

Could you please explain WHY my personality wouldn't work with geek guys? And if my personality doesn't work with them, who would it work with? (Considering they are the only brand of guys who showed even a vague interest when I pursued them.)

[verhrzn]

I know you do, V, but none of us is guaranteed that. Many, many people live alone, happily, even though they want that. Life doesn't go "according to plan" for many.

 

The secret to happiness is gratitude. Focus on all your blessings, instead of your wants.

 

And my blessings are.... what, exactly? So ugly I never get harassed on the street? Yay me!

 

It's apparent that I can't break the cycle of your negative thought patterns.

 

Only you can.

 

If it was up to you, we'd continue this discussion ad infinitum.

 

V, just relax and give yourself some credit for the fact that you've landed a boyfriend that says he doesn't want to sleep with other women and that he's committed to you.

 

You.... didn't answer the question. Why would I chase after a guy who isn't interested in me?? Yeah, so what if he has a great character, if he doesn't want to date me?

 

And the current guy SAYS he's committed, but so did the exes. That doesn't mean anything. They are just empty words without behaviors behind them. And the behavior of the current guy, in the past has implied he has awfully susceptible to ego rubbing from hot girls.

[verhrzn]

V have you always been the pursuer? Just curious.

 

Yep. Now sure how to cataloge the current guy, as the first time around he pursued... and then this time I did. But for every other time, I pursued. (Approached them first, contacted them first, admitted my feelings first, made the first move, etc.)

[jobaba]

 

How the heck do my experiences not add up?? How many people do I have to show my dating profile to before people believe me??

 

Again: how much/what kind of evidence do I have to present before people just BELIEVE me?!

 

You have said that no men are attracted to you despite the fact that all the posters here say you are moderately attractive.

 

Despite the fact that all men find you ugly, you have had several boyfriends at a relatively young age.

 

And you show no vulnerability or happiness. You spent months saying how no men are attracted to you, and once you get a BF, you go straight into the 'woe is me' posts.

 

It's not really indicative of the way most people operate.

 

I think you are a real person, but every now and then I just get an inkling that something is very off.

 

Just for the record, it doesn't mean anything. I have been called a troll before too, when posting my (I assure you, very real, though sometimes exaggerated) experiences and mentalities on another site.

 

That was during a darker period, and when I went back and re-read those posts, I could see why people thought I wasn't a real person.

 

That's what I really think of you. You exaggerate your experiences for effect and pity. I know because I do some of the same here.

[oaks]

Because I want a family and a husband to raise kids with, and I want a dog and a house and the typical "standard life" that other people have.

 

Ok. I'm convinced. You do want to change... are you prepared to put in the effort?

 

Yeah, that's right, poor people don't get the medical care they need because they just don't WANT it enough.

 

Tell ya what, I'll lay out my entire financial spreadsheet, and YOU can tell me what to cut out. Food? Rent? The student loans that cost about 30% of my monthly paycheck? The 10% that goes towards my medical deducible, that I can't even use? Or the $100 that goes towards my car/apartment insurance, except oh, I can't use that unless it reaches the deducible of $500! Gee, how WONDERFUL that even in the case of an apartment fire, I STILL have to pay the first $500 of damages out of pocket. That's just swell.

 

No! I'm not going to do it for you. Like I said, you don't want it enough.

 

A few pointers, though... if there's anything in your outgoing that is a treat or a luxury then that's something you want more than changing your appearance, because that's money you didn't need to spend. Is there really nothing in that category?

 

Can you reduce your outgoings? Perhaps cheaper accommodation, or a car that gets better gas mileage, or move closer to work so that your regular travel costs are reduced, or share accommodation so that you can split the bills.

 

Can you learn any skills that would get you a better paid job? You've just spent 5 hours debating with strangers on the Internet (about a fictional scenario of a woman who is forever single, no less), so you clearly have some time to kill! Perhaps that wasn't a complete waste of time, but you could've read a technical manual or done an online course in that time.

 

I've just recently come off the back of a year without work, so while I'm clearly only an armchair expert I promise you that I'm not preaching from the luxury of a golden throne!

[verhrzn]

Ok. I'm convinced. You do want to change... are you prepared to put in the effort?

 

Again, if I have to change my entire personality, no, then I don't want to change. I want to be me and still have those things, but that is seeming impossible.

 

 

 

Can you reduce your outgoings? Perhaps cheaper accommodation, or a car that gets better gas mileage, or move closer to work so that your regular travel costs are reduced, or share accommodation so that you can split the bills.

 

Can you learn any skills that would get you a better paid job? You've just spent 5 hours debating with strangers on the Internet (about a fictional scenario of a woman who is forever single, no less), so you clearly have some time to kill! Perhaps that wasn't a complete waste of time, but you could've read a technical manual or done an online course in that time.

 

Nature of my work is that I'm sitting waiting for phone calls/cases. This site can easily be dropped into and out of.... an online course, or reading a technical manual, not so much.

 

More importantly, to go anywhere in the tech world, you need credentials. And they are goddamn expensive. AKA, I could learn skills in my free time, but without a fancy certificate to back them up (and you need to go through a course to get that certificate), my resume won't get past the first stage.

[SmileFace]

You have said that no men are attracted to you despite the fact that all the posters here say you are moderately attractive.

 

Despite the fact that all men find you ugly, you have had several boyfriends at a relatively young age.

 

And you show no vulnerability or happiness. You spent months saying how no men are attracted to you, and once you get a BF, you go straight into the 'woe is me' posts.

 

It's not really indicative of the way most people operate.

 

I think you are a real person, but every now and then I just get an inkling that something is very off.

 

Just for the record, it doesn't mean anything. I have been called a troll before too, when posting my (I assure you, very real, though sometimes exaggerated) experiences and mentalities on another site.

 

That was during a darker period, and when I went back and re-read those posts, I could see why people thought I wasn't a real person.

 

That's what I really think of you. You exaggerate your experiences for effect and pity. I know because I do some of the same here.

I am personally waiting for her to get married and then complain about that.

Have a child and then find some way to complain about that, etc.

[verhrzn]

Everything non traditional in dating your doing, from you being the pursuer, to considering an open relationship. Maybe its time you change things up a bit if you want to find happyness. No matter how much you hate me and my posts ill try and guide you.

 

I tried not being the pursuer, and not a single guy was interested. I don't even get responses online, which is supposedly a non-stop party for females. Obviously the "traditional" way does not work for me.

[oaks]

Nature of my work is that I'm sitting waiting for phone calls/cases. This site can easily be dropped into and out of.... an online course, or reading a technical manual, not so much.

 

Fair enough. I've seen people study for MBAs while working in call centres, but each to their own.

 

More importantly, to go anywhere in the tech world, you need credentials.

 

I know what you mean. I do 'tech stuff' too. I agree to some extent (although I don't have any qualifications myself).

 

So, we're back to reducing your outgoings. I'm guessing accommodation is the largest thing that you can change (and I'm assuming that you can't change any debt repayments on loans... but that's worth investigating too) so get to it!

 

If you've got time to chat with us you've got time to find a cheaper apartment. Be prepared to haggle.

[verhrzn]

I didn't answer, because the answer is self-evident, i.e.: You shouldn't go after men that don't want to date you, but you should set standards for the men that DO want to date you.

 

I also didn't answer because that post was yet another demonstration of your cycle of negative thought patterns. It feels futile to continue a discussion with you beyond a certain point, because I learned that I can't change anything in regards to you.

 

The threads where you will express your cycle of negative thought patterns will continue and they will keep coming, unless you do something to stop that cycle. But only you can do that.

 

You make it very much apparent, that even though we as a community very much want to help you, we are powerless. After every thread of yours, there are no results, no changes in perspective, no improvement...nothing changes.

 

So then tell me V. What is it that you actually want from us, what brings you here?

 

I want actual advice that pertains to my situation.

 

I mean you say I should have standards about who I date. Except if I had the standards you allotted, I wouldn't have dated anyone in my past. Which means I'd be sitting here in the exact same position.

 

If no one wants to date you, then what?

 

I want help, but I want help that makes sense and doesn't just hand-wave away my experiences. Find a LOGICAL way to explain that if I'm physically attractive and all that, why do I never get hit on? Why do guys either treat me badly or treat me as invisible?

 

No body EVER answers those questions except to once again bring it back around to how it's MY fault, that I'm negative. Except I've explained, in detail, it was happening well before I was negative, and it happens even when I'm NOT being negative. So how does that figure in?

 

I come here because I want answers to my actual questions, not to constantly have to defend myself as not a liar. My actual question: "If you had to change everything about yourself to attract people, should/would you?"

[verhrzn]

I know what you mean. I do 'tech stuff' too. I agree to some extent (although I don't have any qualifications myself).

 

So, we're back to reducing your outgoings. I'm guessing accommodation is the largest thing that you can change (and I'm assuming that you can't change any debt repayments on loans... but that's worth investigating too) so get to it!

 

If you've got time to chat with us you've got time to find a cheaper apartment. Be prepared to haggle.

 

I'm actually in the cheapest apartment I could find for my area. If I lived another 10 miles away from work and lived with 3 to 4 other people, I could maybe reduce rent by $100. Of course, I'd pay that much per month in gas anyway. So, nope, try again!

[Emilia]

Well how do you use feedback like "You're weird," "You have issues," "You're annoying," "You're too intense." (This is feedback I've gotten from friends, no romantic potentials.)

 

It honestly seems like there aren't any positive things about me, according to other people. So, when everyone seems to find something they dislike about you, but they can't articulate exactly why beyond vague-ness, how do you use that?

 

People who talk like that don't have social skills therefore their opinion doesn't count. This is what I mean by 'selectively' taking notice.

 

Saying that someone is annoying or has issues is pretty dumb in my opinion

[TigerCub]

Hey Verhrzn,

 

Sorry about the girl that was mean to you since the 4th grade. That really is sad.

 

 

My question to you is this:

Would you be attracted to or want to date someone that is:

- Mistrusting of your intentions (due to being hurt in the past - not due to anything you've done)

- Is constantly negative in their view of themselves and the world around them

- Needs constant reassurance but when its given, is argumentative and even dismissive about the nice things said to them.

 

IMO, Those are the qualities that would make it exhausting to date someone like that. Those are qualities that can be changed/ worked on, and if they are changed, it doesn't change a person's core values and the kindness of their heart, it just replaces the negativity with something more positive.

[verhrzn]

Hey Verhrzn,

 

Sorry about the girl that was mean to you since the 4th grade. That really is sad.

 

 

My question to you is this:

Would you be attracted to or want to date someone that is:

- Mistrusting of your intentions (due to being hurt in the past - not due to anything you've done)

- Is constantly negative in their view of themselves and the world around them

- Needs constant reassurance but when its given, is argumentative and even dismissive about the nice things said to them.

 

Those are the qualities that would make it exhausting to date someone like that. Those are qualities that can be changed/ worked on, and if they are changed, it doesn't change a person's core values and the kindness of their heart, it just replaces the negativity with something more positive.

 

No, I guess I wouldn't find that exhausting. For the same reason I don't see it as bad about myself.... maybe they aren't negative about themselves, but just describing how the world sees them. And if they can argue my compliments down, then maybe I'm not being sincere enough.

 

Yet more proof I'm weird, I guess.

[ThaWholigan]

I want actual advice that pertains to my situation.

 

I mean you say I should have standards about who I date. Except if I had the standards you allotted, I wouldn't have dated anyone in my past. Which means I'd be sitting here in the exact same position.

 

If no one wants to date you, then what?

 

I want help, but I want help that makes sense and doesn't just hand-wave away my experiences. Find a LOGICAL way to explain that if I'm physically attractive and all that, why do I never get hit on? Why do guys either treat me badly or treat me as invisible?

 

No body EVER answers those questions except to once again bring it back around to how it's MY fault, that I'm negative. Except I've explained, in detail, it was happening well before I was negative, and it happens even when I'm NOT being negative. So how does that figure in?

 

I come here because I want answers to my actual questions, not to constantly have to defend myself as not a liar. My actual question: "If you had to change everything about yourself to attract people, should/would you?"

 

No, I wouldn't change everything about myself to attract people.

 

The thing is, you want yes/no answers to questions that have far more dynamics to them than you wish to acknowledge or comprehend. I alluded to it earlier, where you want super logical answers to illogical things. You have to accept that somethings just aren't logical, and there is no "logical" way to explain it. Accept it, embrace the illogical.

[xxoo]

And my blessings are.... what, exactly? So ugly I never get harassed on the street? Yay me!

 

A decent job?

A safe home?

Your health?

Coffee in the morning?

A fun martial arts class?

Watching the sunrise?

Your boyfriend?

 

Anything at all???

[Emilia]

No, I wouldn't change everything about myself to attract people.

 

The thing is, you want yes/no answers to questions that have far more dynamics to them than you wish to acknowledge or comprehend. I alluded to it earlier, where you want super logical answers to illogical things. You have to accept that somethings just aren't logical, and there is no "logical" way to explain it. Accept it, embrace the illogical.

 

Good call. Don't know how you teach someone that though

[verhrzn]

No, I wouldn't change everything about myself to attract people.

 

The thing is, you want yes/no answers to questions that have far more dynamics to them than you wish to acknowledge or comprehend. I alluded to it earlier, where you want super logical answers to illogical things. You have to accept that somethings just aren't logical, and there is no "logical" way to explain it. Accept it, embrace the illogical.

 

I'd try to comprehend them if someone would explain them to me.

 

How can I accept something that is illogical? I can't react illogically to an illogical situation, so how am I supposed to react? It makes no sense.

[oaks]

I'm actually in the cheapest apartment I could find for my area. If I lived another 10 miles away from work and lived with 3 to 4 other people, I could maybe reduce rent by $100. Of course, I'd pay that much per month in gas anyway. So, nope, try again!

 

Try again sounds like great advice. Have another look... maybe there are new apartments on the market, or adverts from people looking for a housemate.

 

But, if you've exhausted that one... try the other things I suggested. Not going to repeat them... they're in this thread. If that doesn't work then think outside the box... be creative.

[jobaba]

I want actual advice that pertains to my situation.

 

Your situation is that you are a normal functioning person with full health.

 

Unlike, say Jen Arnold...

 

Meet Dr. Arnold

 

Instead of complaining about what she was given and how shallow other people are (and you KNOW she has it worse than you), she went and did something with her life and met a great guy along the way.

 

I bet she is an awesome person, and I would totally go out with her!

 

Anyway, real person or not, you have inspired me to stay off LS for the remainder of the day, not be drawn into whining myself, and do something with my life.

[verhrzn]

A decent job?

A safe home?

Your health?

Coffee in the morning?

A fun martial arts class?

Watching the sunrise?

Your boyfriend?

 

Anything at all???

 

I.... don't consider those blessings, I consider most of those things I work my butt off for. Blessings are things life gives us... life hasn't given me health, a safe home, or a decent job. I don't do my martial arts any more (too expensive, and people on this forum told me constantly it was sh*t for exercise, so fine), and uh.... how is watching the sunrise a blessing? I don't really-like the sunrise.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Just because the Internet thinks something doesn't make it true. Real life trumps the Internet

 

Since you believe this, why do you spend so much time arguing with all the people here on LoveShack? Or even asking questions?

 

and in real life, I never get approached, never get hit on, never get flirted with. Heck, my dating profile doesn't even get any messages. And considering how guys online will seem to send messages to ANY girl, that says something.

 

Except … you are actually dating at the moment. So all of this "never" talk doesn't seem quite genuine.