Change Yourself To Be Attractive?

[verhrzn]

Let's say you as a person are fundamentally unattractive. There is nothing bad about you per say, you just have an unattractive package... Speaking for myself, my personality is annoying to the great majority of people. I am too intense, I am too analytic, I am too loud and talkative and annoying. There is nothing fundamentally BAD about me; I am not mean, or greedy, or cruel, or selfish, etc. I am just unattractive, or have a strange mental make-up.

 

Should you change your entire personality to be more attractive? Should you change who you fundamentally are as a person to have a chance at a relationship? Goes back to the idea that if you're ugly, should you get plastic surgery?

 

If it's the difference between changing absolutely everything about you, or being single forever, which would you choose?

[Emilia]

Not changing everything but a smart person will use feedback (wisely and selectively) to better themselves to attract mates. You don't have to of course but you do yourself a big favour if you are not rigid I think.

[runner]

i don't think you need to perform any dramatic changes to yourself in order to date successfullly. if anything, the best place to begin would be to let go of this idea that no one wants you at all. no amount of plastic surgery or expensive clothing will fix that for you.

[verhrzn]

Not changing everything but a smart person will use feedback (wisely and selectively) to better themselves to attract mates. You don't have to of course but you do yourself a big favour if you are not rigid I think.

 

Well how do you use feedback like "You're weird," "You have issues," "You're annoying," "You're too intense." (This is feedback I've gotten from friends, no romantic potentials.)

 

It honestly seems like there aren't any positive things about me, according to other people. So, when everyone seems to find something they dislike about you, but they can't articulate exactly why beyond vague-ness, how do you use that?

[jobaba]

I struggle from some of the same issues.

 

Though people like me, they don't LIKE me. For instance, at my last workplace, there were a lot of different personalitites. I was told by more than one person that I was one of the few people nobody ever talked bad about. But still, the women didn't want to date me, and the guys though they liked me, I was not the #1 popular guy.

 

People are so different that someone is going to have a critique of you no matter how cool you are. For instance, a buddy of mine has a wife that is generally not attracted to'party people' that many others are strongly drawn to.

 

You need a medium of taking constructive criticism and being happy with yourself, and as far as I can see, it's a lifelong process.

[ThaWholigan]

First of all, your friends need to be shot. Not fatally, just in the leg or something.

 

Second of all, I think it takes some people time to become comfortable with their personality and how they express it. Nobody's personality is completely rigid, it's fluid and you have the option to evolve your character as you go along in life. It will probably be quite hard for someone who thinks the way that you do, which is unfortunate. I don't think you need to change your entire personality, that would be equally as counterproductive as staying exactly as you are and would possibly lead to more unhappiness.

 

I advocate that you supplement your core characteristics with more positive traits that are easier to cultivate within yourself, depending on what they are. It requires a lot of self-discovery. As I have done myself. I've learned that I'm naturally diplomatic and objective, so I tapped into that despite my propensity to be verbally rash and ill-disciplined at times. I also learned how to be more comfortable in my body, despite my dyspraxic nature. For every negative characteristic that you display, there is a positive flip-side, or at the very least a counter. You may believe you don't have any, but you do, everyone does. I'd advise you to take as much time as you need to find out what those are and how you can cultivate them.

[yessy21]

Everyone has a different taste and perspective at to what they like. Some people will find you unattractive and annoying... others will find you ... sexxy... charming.. you never know.

 

Now as to myself if i was to believe i was physically unattractive(everyone has their days) and i would want something changed and i can... then why not. but to change me as a person... (Im a F****ing weirdo and i know it..) i would simply advise the person that doesnt like my difference to expand their pea sized brain and realize that the world isnt flat.

[jobaba]

Btw, I think it's great that you are looking for constructive criticism.

 

Most people refuse to change and take mighty offense when people offer them criticism. You know as well as I there are many people who have GLARING personality issues who have no problems attracting people, and refuse to change a thing, so kudos to you.

[Lonely Ronin]

Well how do you use feedback like "You're weird," "You have issues," "You're annoying," "You're too intense." (This is feedback I've gotten from friends, no romantic potentials.)

Context is key, who tells you, and in relation to what topic they tell you is very important.

 

for example, I have an older friend (old enough to be my father) who's advise on dating I completely ignore. The last time he was single Reagan was president, and if I knew him at my age I would probably punch him in the face. His views of gender relations are completely different from mine. I have a female friend who is a year younger, and her point of view on dating, is live for the moment. That's not me, so i ignore most of her comments as well.

 

In short, you need to figure out who you are what you want. Once you know that you can respond to criticisms in a much more productive manor.

[C-V-L]

You should never change who you are if you like yourself.

 

But if you have to question whether you should change yourself or not then maybe you're not completely happy with yourself.

[verhrzn]

In regards to issues, I can name at least two that might be relevant:

 

- You seem to have low self-esteem

- You could have body dysmorphic disorder

 

I say this based on having read quite a few of your threads.

 

I really don't have either. All of my opinions of myself come from the people around me. My opinion of myself does not happen in a vacuum.

 

If Hitler admitted that he wasn't that awesome of a person, would you mark him as having low self-esteem?

 

If even a person's "friends" don't like them, and no body finds them attractive, wouldn't you say it's fair for them to repeat those observations, without them being labeled as having low self-esteem?

[verhrzn]

She doesnt take constructive criticism. Read some of her other threads. She is not a bad person, just one who is set in her ways.

 

So glad you're taking up space in my thread then.

 

I take criticism, and advice, but it has to be advice that makes sense and isn't just full of puffy good-feeling nonsense. "Like yourself first! No one can like you if you don't like yourself!" "But there are tons of people who don't really like themselves but are in relationships." "Oh, um, those don't matter!" "Why not?" "Because I said so! Stop being obstinate!"

 

A big UGH to that.

[oaks]

If it's the difference between changing absolutely everything about you, or being single forever, which would you choose?

 

Who are you talking about, anyway? I'm guessing it must be a friend, since I'm sure I read recently that you were dating someone... So being single forever doesn't apply to you.

 

But, to answer the question, I like companionship so I would strive to achieve that. Not sure that I would change absolutely everything... I'd like my man-parts to remain intact and attached, for example, but I might set aside time and funds for self improvement or learning new skills if I couldn't get any dates. (at least I would have plenty of free time! )

 

How's your dating going, anyway?

[ChemFemme]

I think changing yourself to make someone else happy is always a bad idea. However, working on flaws is never a bad thing.

[verhrzn]

Who are you talking about, anyway? I'm guessing it must be a friend, since I'm sure I read recently that you were dating someone... So being single forever doesn't apply to you.

 

But, to answer the question, I like companionship so I would strive to achieve that. Not sure that I would change absolutely everything... I'd like my man-parts to remain intact and attached, for example, but I might set aside time and funds for self improvement or learning new skills if I couldn't get any dates. (at least I would have plenty of free time! )

 

How's your dating going, anyway?

 

Except I've been told multiple times on this forum that he is for sure going to leave me because of my issues/personality/I'm not cut out for a relationship, etc. Thus.... this question.

 

What other people label "issues," I call "how my brain functions information." So, should I somehow completely wire my brain and get a new personality in order to obtain/retain in a relationship?

 

"Self improvement" implies you are improving on what it already there. I've been told multiple times I need to CHANGE... as in, what is "already there" is not even a decent foundation to build on.

[oaks]

If Hitler admitted that he wasn't that awesome of a person, would you mark him as having low self-esteem?

 

Interesting invocation of Godwin's Law. I'm sure your thread will progress just fine from this point on.

[verhrzn]

Interesting invocation of Godwin's Law. I'm sure your thread will progress just fine from this point on.

 

Fine, pick someone else who is, by popular opinion, not a good guy. The point was more "If someone is not a nice person, is it low self-esteem if they admit they are not a nice person?"

 

Instead of snarking, how about considering the question?

[ThaWholigan]

Fine, pick someone else who is, by popular opinion, not a good guy. The point was more "If someone is not a nice person, is it low self-esteem if they admit they are not a nice person?"

 

Instead of snarking, how about considering the question?

Nice is subjective in the sense that not everybody will think you're nice. It depends. If you admit you're not a nice person but you think you can change, then that is positive. If you are saying "I'm not a nice person and there is no way I can change that, boo hoo", that is low self-esteem.

[Lonely Ronin]

I really don't have either. All of my opinions of myself come from the people around me. My opinion of myself does not happen in a vacuum.

 

If Hitler admitted that he wasn't that awesome of a person, would you mark him as having low self-esteem?

I detest violence towards women, but if you where standing in front of me right now, I would bitch slap you into next Tuesday.

 

Comparing yourself to a delusional megalomaniac responsible for the genocide of millions is moronic. Get an fing grip on reality, your a woman with a personality that causes you problems when it comes to interpersonal relationships.

 

I take criticism, and advice, but it has to be advice that makes sense and isn't just full of puffy good-feeling nonsense.

You take advise when it aligns with your views. If it doesn't align with your views, you fight it tooth & nail no matter how logical it is.

[verhrzn]

Nice is subjective in the sense that not everybody will think you're nice. It depends. If you admit you're not a nice person but you think you can change, then that is positive. If you are saying "I'm not a nice person and there is no way I can change that, boo hoo", that is low self-esteem.

 

How about "I think I'm a <fun/nice/smart/funny> person, but nobody else agrees with me." What is it then? When everyone agrees you are not an attractive person, but no one can agree on what exactly makes you unattractive (for some it's being physically unattractive, some say you're annoying, some say you're intimidating, some say you're not intimidating ENOUGH), how can you change then except to develop an entirely new personality? And if you can, should you?

[verhrzn]

You take advise when it aligns with your views. If it doesn't align with your views, you fight it tooth & nail no matter how logical it is.

 

Or maybe you're confusing "logic" with "self-explanatory to me." I've asked PLENTY OF times for people to explain their arguments to me, and no one ever can/does, they just get mad at me for not agreeing.

 

How about instead of getting mad at me, people actually try to discuss/refute what I'm saying?

[jobaba]

She doesnt take constructive criticism. Read some of her other threads. She is not a bad person, just one who is set in her ways.

 

Oh. I'm well aware of this poster's mentality.

 

I think a danger arises in trying to improve your personality to attract for romance, in that... so much is tied to physical appearance as far as romance is concerned.

 

You could be the bees knees and swell person yet have very few people attracted to you. I personally have known some great guys who couldn't attract ANY women.

 

So, you may end up trying to change yourself and continuously lower your self worth when your personality is not really the problem.

[verhrzn]

I'm not convinced. You think you're ugly and that it was impossible for you to get a boyfriend.

 

Nearly every guy on this forum that has seen your photo told you otherwise.

 

You have low self-esteem and you think you're ugly and that there is nothing positive or likeable about yourself.

 

Which potentially comes down to:

 

- Low self-esteem

- Body dysmorphic disorder

 

Sorry V, but you very much give off that kind of vibe. Nearly every thread you make is one where you put yourself down and where the crowd on LS tries to convince you of the opposite.

 

Do you have a boyfriend right now?

 

Just because the Internet thinks something doesn't make it true. Real life trumps the Internet, and in real life, I never get approached, never get hit on, never get flirted with. Heck, my dating profile doesn't even get any messages. And considering how guys online will seem to send messages to ANY girl, that says something.

 

So, is it low self-esteem to just state the obvious? People just have this knee-jerk reaction to "negativity"... the ugliest, most bland person in the world could be standing in front of them and they'd still try to convince that person/themselves that they were attractive.

 

I've asked this before.... what sort of evidence do people need to actually BELIEVE me, instead of turning my threads into constant arguments?

 

And yes I currently have a boyfriend who everybody on this forum is promising is going to leave me.

Edited September 17, 2012 by verhrzn

[oaks]

Instead of snarking, how about considering the question?

 

Sure. You first.

[verhrzn]

Sure. You first.

 

... Wow, that was a super helpful response, not even clarifying what the heck you mean. Thanks!