Ideservehappiness Posted September 17, 2012 Posted September 17, 2012 I have married the same person 4 times. Married in 92, divorced in 94, married in 99 and renewed our vows 08 divorced 2010and remarried 2011...and now don't know if I want to stick around. Here's my story. In the beginning of our engagement I (female) confessed to him I slept with someone. And told him he didn't have to marry me anymore. He forgave me and got married in 92 between 1992-1993 I had found out that before and after we got married he was still dating a woman in Jersey while I was away. Gained suspicion when I came out to jersey and found valentines day card and other gifts from Maureen, his girlfriend, he said he was so sorry. They all slept together (with no sex involved based on what both said) but we weren't even a month yeti to our marriage. I left to go back home and return a few mo the later that she has been coming around to our apartment. I finally called her and she explained that she had no idea he was married until a week I was coming out. She was very devastated and insists they never had intercourse. I let that go...his lies...so we divorced and during the separation. He was still interested in getting back together. We had 1 daughter already and she was Just over a year old. 2nd infidelity was when he was upper management and was fraternizing with his concierge. Begged on his knees for forgiveness, he says nothing happened...yeah, whatever...u we ton. A cruise with girlfriends and when icame back he met me at the airport and of course, it led to sex...got pregnant again. Even after that...his infidelity didn't stop. We remarried 99 in hopes it would be better...he was an affair in saipan and Philippines and blames his bosses friends for pressuring him to go for it...the whores you must pay. Gave him a chance again...next infidelity...talking to his classmates after 1 year has passed since graduation from college. I was pregnant again...and he was ever around..gave birth to my beautiful girl and my husband was talking to another woman, who I asked he not speak to anymore. When I asked who's umber it was, he says Lisa regarding booklets.. I have friends and was able to get the name of the girl and it was the one I told him to stop talking to. They would talk for along time. He would be out on a so called business function all night to 3-4 or even 5am. I blew up. Just gave birth less than Amonth and he's doing this....I then joined the services so I can be on my own and he begged me not to. But i still did...he promised to be a better husband. He even surprised me with renewing our vows. So we did. We had another daughter and I thought..9 okay this is...should be better now. Well now he's an instructor at our community college and constantly gets informal and perso al emails / text/ calls from current former student...if I didn't intervene.this could have escalated to another affair. He says he loves me, and I do believe that..but the dick don't have a Braine and if seduced...I think he'd do it. He reciprocates there emails and calls in an informal way..how can I move on with this...we have kids from ranging 2-21...2/5/19 are girls 14/21 are boys. I love my family I love my husband. It's not his heart I know he would give, but his body and mind...I think he would...I'm scared to get hurt again be lied too and for my family to fall apart...can someone please give some advice on how to handle this craziness,,,it hurts and I'm not able to talk about the past because he starts to get mad, any suggestions...many times I thought of hurting myself, then I think of my young Ones and I would stop...please help!!!
Got it Posted September 17, 2012 Posted September 17, 2012 Where have his actions shown you that he wants to change his behavior at all? I think he has shown that he is a very confirmed serial cheater. Unless he starts getting IC and MC and really commits to changing his ways you are just going to continue to wash and repeat. I know that divorcing is hard but think of the example that you both are showing to your kids. Is this what you want for them in adulthood? Ignore is words and listen to his actions. What do they tell you? 1
Author Ideservehappiness Posted September 18, 2012 Author Posted September 18, 2012 Always is the case...he shows me great affection after all infidelities...tries to prove to me Im the one he wants...then after a while...it's normal routine of being parents and a stale marriage...I always try to look sexy for him...give him great sex...and try to communicate with him...but I don't know why he finds comfort in younger woman and strays...I'm only 39 and he's 43...we are still quite young and the comfort he gets from a 22 year old formal student who's the same age as my oldest son, makes me so disgusted that he would be flattered by her attention. Btw, this the most recent lie and infidelity. (however, I can't prove the infidelity, but based on emails, they have a personal relationship.). I love him very much, I am so in love with him...I love my family and I love our children...but I don't know how to save this marriage and family anymore, and if it's worth saving. He must not be in love with me anymore.
standtall Posted September 19, 2012 Posted September 19, 2012 Happy..sorry to hear that you're miserable. The only way for you to get happy is to get rid of this man. Move on..your marriage is a marriage in the vaguest of terms.
Author Ideservehappiness Posted September 22, 2012 Author Posted September 22, 2012 Thanks everyone. And to momluvslgg...I am trying to schedule a session with a counselor. And I am still feeling the same regarding my situation. I love my family and I hope something great happens!!!
Author Ideservehappiness Posted September 22, 2012 Author Posted September 22, 2012 I just read what serial cheaters are....and I hate to admit that he is just like that...a smooth talker...wants to please everyone...and when caught in any situation...he apologizes and begs for everything to be ok...ugh!!!! I had faith in God and used to think that our destiny was to be together and raise our children together...now...I wonder, why would God deliver this man to me and make me suffer the rest of my life? I don't believe I am codependent on this relationship...at times, I wanted to divorce him...but I love my husband and I love our family...how do I stop him from cheating on me with his body and mind? He says it's all in my head and my jealous ways...oh...and he also says I would be making a big mistake leaving the family over assumptions...which is true...I can never get solid proof to make the decision easy. I don't even want to find out the truth...I am so scared to know that he hasn't changed. To date, he has been more affectionate and understanding me...but how long will that last? Will I catch another email, text or long phone calls? Will I catch him this time with another woman? I honestly pray that I don't. He tells me if I can't learn to trust him than we should move on without each other...I told him he was absolutely right, I don't trust him and he's better off with someone who will...I am so lost and confused that this is actually making me physically and mentally sick...
Author Ideservehappiness Posted September 25, 2012 Author Posted September 25, 2012 How would I get over the love i have for him? How long would it take? I asked for a divorce just today and he's willing to give me it so that I would find peace and happiness...
Author Ideservehappiness Posted September 27, 2012 Author Posted September 27, 2012 @ladygrey...thank you for your wisdom. I believe that. My father too cheated and beat up my mom...and I feel like I am at tha same predicament. I need to put a stop to this. She too never believed in divorce and I am the one who pointed out to her in the bible that God will forgive her...why don't I learn from that??? 21 years of marriage is a long time. We have agreed to separate and hopefully I heal from the distrust and we can manage a friendship for the sake of our kids. Thank you.
Author Ideservehappiness Posted October 1, 2012 Author Posted October 1, 2012 We saw a priest, which is his close friend, and advised us that our marriage is unrepairable. I decided to give the divorce he wants. When I divorced him in 2010, because he couldn't trust me, I thought I didn't try hard enough to prove my fidelity and love to him and I had regretted it. So we remarried in Dec2011. Now that I feel he is talking to someone else, he wants the divorce. I am willing to give it to him if he feels he has tried his best to assure his fidelity and love for me...so now, he wants to try and make it work...I have been crying my eyes out...because now that I have realized he no longer wants this marriage, he wants to try. I love him , I want it to work...he has been very open with me and proving to me that he wants me and only me....but what if its just for now. Trust, is so hard to do for me...but I at least got to try. Shouldn't I? I am afraid of being alone. I have great sexual urges but I wouldn't want put myself out there for any Tom Dick and Harry. I love my children. I want them to be happy. My 2 and 4 year daughters wouldn't understand if they don't see us together. I want this marriage to work so much that it scares me to death if he becomes disloyal to me or our relationship again. I can say, that I am a wonderful personal, loving heart, smart, hardworking, a great mother, great lover, beautiful....but am I all this to his eyes? And if not, will anyone ever see me this way?
Ninja'sHusband Posted October 1, 2012 Posted October 1, 2012 We saw a priest, which is his close friend, and advised us that our marriage is unrepairable. I decided to give the divorce he wants. When I divorced him in 2010, because he couldn't trust me, I thought I didn't try hard enough to prove my fidelity and love to him and I had regretted it. So we remarried in Dec2011. Now that I feel he is talking to someone else, he wants the divorce. I am willing to give it to him if he feels he has tried his best to assure his fidelity and love for me...so now, he wants to try and make it work...I have been crying my eyes out...because now that I have realized he no longer wants this marriage, he wants to try. I love him , I want it to work...he has been very open with me and proving to me that he wants me and only me....but what if its just for now. Trust, is so hard to do for me...but I at least got to try. Shouldn't I? I am afraid of being alone. I have great sexual urges but I wouldn't want put myself out there for any Tom Dick and Harry. I love my children. I want them to be happy. My 2 and 4 year daughters wouldn't understand if they don't see us together. I want this marriage to work so much that it scares me to death if he becomes disloyal to me or our relationship again. I can say, that I am a wonderful personal, loving heart, smart, hardworking, a great mother, great lover, beautiful....but am I all this to his eyes? And if not, will anyone ever see me this way? Be good to yourself and your children. You mentioned hurting yourself in the OP, DON'T! You can get through this. I do think it's time to move on. It's the right thing. He wants to move on, he's proven he can't be faithful over and over. It's so hard to let go, believe me I know. 1 day at a time. Work through the pain and then focus on life as much as possible. Find new friends and activities. You deserve a better life.
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