How do I convince her that leaving me is the best thing for her?

[The_Good_Me]

I still think you are leaving without a fight. Many people had bad jobs, or no jobs, low salaries, etc. You don't like it? Change it! Try something else. Do something for yourself and your life.

 

The thing you are saying that she will leave you when her crush wears out sounds like a self-fulfilling prophecy.

 

I never liked the "I am not good enough for her/him". It's dishonest. If you honestly love someone, you will change for him. Maybe you don't love her enough, deep down? Think about that, too.

 

Hello Berna, thank you for your reply.

 

I haven't got the qualifications to just change it though, I don't have the funding to go into education to get the qualifications to change, I don't do well in education either so even if I got a loan, I would just end up in debt with no qualification after failing. I could change my job sure, for another low job that has just as little meaning as this one and I still wouldn't feel good enough for her, which would keep me depressed, which would keep these thoughts that she'd better off without me, which would make her unhappy for the entire duration. She's not happy now that I'm having these thoughts, they upset her!

 

Remember it's not just the job thing that makes me feel as though I'm not good enough for her, it's the fact that I recognise that I am a weak person mentally, one who has the potential to harm the one I love and realising that I can do something about that!

 

As for you implying that I am being dishonest through generalising people that say "I am not good enough", I am just getting tired of people saying there is something deeper going on when there isn't. On this forum I only have the words that I write and it is extremely hard to get sincerity or context across and I'm starting to think that it will be impossible to convince people otherwise no matter how much I write and promise.

 

I understand that you may just be asking me to ask myself if I don't love her enough deep down, well if I say I have asked that and I again state that I have her future and best interests at heart only which can only come through loving a person, will you believe me? I suspect not!

 

I really think it's time this thread closed. I would like to thank everyone for trying to make me reconsider and to try and lift me when I am clearly down about myself. As I have always said, the people on Loveshack are wonderful people. Unfortunately this particular conversation is starting to cause discomfort. I just want to do the right thing by her by removing a bad boyfriend from her side so that she may find the right one for her. I apologise for not communicating that well enough, I tried my best but as in most things I try to accomplish, I end up failing.

[lookinxforxchange]

Hi all

 

Not sure if this is the right place to put this but I'm thinking of ways to try to make my girlfriend see that being with me is just holding her back. I don't want to finish with her because it would crush her, she's made it clear she is very much into me but I am not worthy of her and she see's me through rose tinted glasses.

 

Basically I have no qualifications, I've been stuck in the same dead end job for the last 9 and a half years and barely moved up the ladder. I'm nearly 30 now and I'm not smart enough to do much more than minimum wage jobs. I don't have the kind of financial backing to go into education even if I thought I could succeed at college or university. I have no prospects for the future and soon it looks as though the company I work for may go under and I'll be in severe trouble.

 

Before I got with my girlfriend I was only just managing to make ends meet and now that I'm with her and we're dating, I'm slowly losing money each month and that's while I have a job so I'm already living beyond my means, never mind after I lose my job at the end of the year. She's a bit younger than me, has a very well paid and stable job and she's ready to settle down with a man. I look in the mirror and see a boy who hasn't found his way in life and hasn't got a future. I'd love to be able to provide for her but sooner or later she will see the loser that I am and leave anyway for someone more stable, which I am actually fine with.

 

Don't get me wrong, I love her to bits and I sincerely just want to see her happy! I have spoken to her about my issues! I told her I was selfish to have gotten with her knowing that I have problems and it wasn't fair to drag her through the mud with me. Not only do I have learning difficulties, financial troubles and a severly bleak looking future, I also have zero confidence because of it all. She burst into tears and said "I know you think you're being selfish but I accept you for who you are and I just want you to give me a chance!"

 

It broke my heart to hear her say that! She's already emotionally invested in a loser. I know this relationship is doomed and I've already been through the mill losing my fiance after a 10 year relationship. I know I can survive the most emotionally crushing pain there is to feel out there but I don't want her to go through that! We've been together for only about a month so getting out early would certainly be better for her!

 

I feel so guilty for getting with her in the first place. I never should have done so! I should have just liked her from afar and never expressed my feelings towards her! Lesson learned and now I have to do something about the predicament she's in.

 

I haven't slept with her yet, I don't think it would be right to and then leave her! I'm not the kind of guy to have sex and leave! I've only had 1 sexual partner in my life. We were about to have sex at the weekend but I couldn't do it, instead I confessed my fears. I couldn't hide my feelings and just have sex with her! I needed to warn her about me and I hoped that, that would have made her run a mile but she stayed. She's so nice and again shows that I am not worthy of her! She needs to get out of this dead end relationship, heal from it and find a real man!

 

How on earth do I make her see this while she's into me so much? Should I just ride out the storm and allow her to see it in her own time? I know this would be the most moral way of doing it as I have no right to manipulate her, I just know that the sooner she gets out, the better it is for her! Should I just be a man, finish with her now and take the abuse that comes with it? I don't mind doing that as I know it'd be right for her in the long run but at the same time I don't want to hurt her if that's the wrong thing to do. Or is there some way I can speed up the process of getting her to sever her feelings from me? I'd much rather it be her decision to leave as she'd recover much faster!

 

Any advice here would be extremely welcome.

 

P.S I'd just like to add that I'm honestly not looking for people to try and boost my confidence. Nothing anybody says can make me feel better about myself and as I know myself better than anyone, I already know and accept that I won't be able to better myself to become worthy of her. If I could do that then I wouldn't be posting here! I just want her to be happy! I know I make her happy now but we're in the "Honeymoon Period" and she won't see it without help! There's no way I can keep her happy with my emotional baggage & financial trouble! It was unfair of me to get with her in the first place!

hey man i used to be a house keeper and i used to wash dishes and stuff so what we are who we are and the economy is just not doin so well but you just half to be blunt and tell her that she deserves better than you trust me i had this gf once and me and her was goin good man but one day out of the blue i just knew she deserved someone better even thow i treated her good and all eventually we all know that it wasn't gonna last cause once you treat someone good they just think you are usin them for something else or not man enough but see i straight up told her i cant be with her and she said well what about my daughter you are leaving both of us behind and i have been an alcoholic for 14 years and its a much longer story about why i am it has to do with my past but you will find someone that does mean something even thow i broke up with her 5 years ago i miss her and her daughter truely i always thought what if i didn't break up with her and all of this but hey find someone new and get the old out of the picture just dont play games with women and just be yourself just dont be to nice of a person otherwise women will walk all over you like you are a piece of dog crap if you do wanna talk about anything you can write back a message later

[lookinxforxchange]

hey man i used to be a house keeper and i used to wash dishes and stuff so what we are who we are and the economy is just not doin so well but you just half to be blunt and tell her that she deserves better than you trust me i had this gf once and me and her was goin good man but one day out of the blue i just knew she deserved someone better even thow i treated her good and all eventually we all know that it wasn't gonna last cause once you treat someone good they just think you are usin them for something else or not man enough but see i straight up told her i cant be with her and she said well what about my daughter you are leaving both of us behind and i have been an alcoholic for 14 years and its a much longer story about why i am it has to do with my past but you will find someone that does mean something even thow i broke up with her 5 years ago i miss her and her daughter truely i always thought what if i didn't break up with her and all of this but hey find someone new and get the old out of the picture just dont play games with women and just be yourself just dont be to nice of a person otherwise women will walk all over you like you are a piece of dog crap if you do wanna talk about anything you can write back a message later

she will understand your financial trouble if she really loves you also and it will all go smooth just dont be so hard on yourself im hopin you get back to me so i can talk more

[head-over-heels]

Hi i'm new here : i just read your post

 

Honestly you really seem to have a good head on your shoulders but why ruin something so good in your life.

 

This girl obviously see's past the change in your pocket and loves you for who you are and why wouldn't she after reading your post you clearly have amazing qualities about yourself.

 

Your being way to hard on yourself,, give it a real shot with this girl you might just surprise yourself because at the end of the day she clearly loves you for a reason but you cant see it..

 

At the end of the day you can't make up her mind for her,she knows whats best for herself and if thats with you...then why fight it??

 

Give yourself a break and enjoy each other.

[flitzanu]

"How do I convince her that leaving me is the best thing for her?"

 

 

you send her a link to this post.

[fallen.angel]

Well honestly if you have given up on the relationship then you are already hurting her, because every relationship needs both people to "want" to be together. A one sided RS can only last as long as you keep expecting the other person to always continue putting over 100% effort while you dont put in anything. Which isnt fair, and i dont mean it has to be 50-50 but at least to show the motivation/passion to want to be with your partner should be there. And if someone truly loves you they will "never walk all over you if you treat them nicely" and will always "respect" how good you are. Also everyone has problems but that doesnt mean you hide behind them and make excuses, because the world is cruel and kind to everyone and you're not being singled out. I wake up everyday hoping for my bf's behavior to change, for him to become a little (even 10%) more positive about our future but he always makes excuses and always has. Ok, he said he has some money issues (which I know he does as he sends money home each month) so I found some courses which he was interested in and could possibly lead to a better financial situation and I even offered to get him enrolled and pay for it, but he isnt even ready to do that. Every excuse he comes up with, despite me knowing that he does care about me, it hurts me that despite my best efforts he cant see a future together. I have lost alot in my life, losing my dad to lung cancer when I was 3, and mom at 20 to a heart attack, but Ive always tried to be brave and move on, pushing myself on days when I feel s**t. Ive never tried to make excuses, and probably these experiences have taught me to never take any relationship for granted and work as hard as I can, but obviously I cant lock him up and force him to be with me forever. So dont make excuses and if you cant make any effort despite this woman wanting to be with you and your shortcoming (as u assume) then leave her asap or if you really care so much about her, do something (find courses etc) to actually change yourself, because you always "fight for what you want in life not just let it slip".

[SeanitaKim]

My ex left me for the exact same reason and it left me totally broken and insecure. If your girlfriend is anything like me, she loves exactly as you are. Se doesn't want or need a "better guy," you're the one that completes her with all your "flaws."

For your girlfriend's sake, I hope you don't make the same mistake my ex made.

[The_Good_Me]

My ex left me for the exact same reason and it left me totally broken and insecure. If your girlfriend is anything like me, she loves exactly as you are. Se doesn't want or need a "better guy," you're the one that completes her with all your "flaws."

For your girlfriend's sake, I hope you don't make the same mistake my ex made.

 

Hello SeanitaKim, thank you for your reply.

 

I'm really sorry to hear what happened to you, I really do understand that it isn't nice to be dumped for whatever reason. The thing is the mistake is his and not yours! He has to live and deal with the decision he made and I'm sure he'll realise his mistake in time! You on the other hand are hurting now but will heal in time as you realise "You know what, he wasn't good enough for me!". If someone dumps you for whatever reason then they aren't good enough for you and the positive things that comes out of it is it makes you a wiser person and paves the way to someone better, someone that won't leave you and stand by you! That's the type of person you deserve, that's the type of person everyone deserves!

 

My advice is not to wait for him to come to his senses. Work on healing now and by the time you're done I'm guessing you'll have someone new in your life, which may not sound like a good thing now but trust me when I say that once your feelings attach to another, you have a very high chance of feeling indifference towards your ex and will no longer care! It's hard to hear that sort of talk in the early days as your feelings are still attached to your ex and the thought of another is enough to make some people feel sick. That's certainly how I felt for well over a year! Once I realised I had feelings for my current girlfriend I haven't thought of my ex at length since. Sure I think of her occasionally if something reminds me of her, but I find it very easy to have that memory and move on very quickly without feeling any sort of emotion.

 

I hope your healing process is as short and as smooth as it possibly can be!

[SeanitaKim]

Hello SeanitaKim, thank you for your reply.

 

I'm really sorry to hear what happened to you, I really do understand that it isn't nice to be dumped for whatever reason. The thing is the mistake is his and not yours! He has to live and deal with the decision he made and I'm sure he'll realise his mistake in time! You on the other hand are hurting now but will heal in time as you realise "You know what, he wasn't good enough for me!". If someone dumps you for whatever reason then they aren't good enough for you and the positive things that comes out of it is it makes you a wiser person and paves the way to someone better, someone that won't leave you and stand by you! That's the type of person you deserve, that's the type of person everyone deserves!

 

My advice is not to wait for him to come to his senses. Work on healing now and by the time you're done I'm guessing you'll have someone new in your life, which may not sound like a good thing now but trust me when I say that once your feelings attach to another, you have a very high chance of feeling indifference towards your ex and will no longer care! It's hard to hear that sort of talk in the early days as your feelings are still attached to your ex and the thought of another is enough to make some people feel sick. That's certainly how I felt for well over a year! Once I realised I had feelings for my current girlfriend I haven't thought of my ex at length since. Sure I think of her occasionally if something reminds me of her, but I find it very easy to have that memory and move on very quickly without feeling any sort of emotion.

 

I hope your healing process is as short and as smooth as it possibly can be!

Thanks for the reassuring words. I guess you're right.. If he was the one for me, he'd have fought for me instead of just giving up on me.

 

This is why I love the Internet. Good, solid advice from actual people around the world who have gone through similar problems. God bless you all. :')

[todreaminblue]

Feeling silly is the best part!

 

yes silly is sublimely soothing