irrational me

[lostanfound]

By sharing this here I'm hoping to receive; a piece of advice, some judgement, wisdom from the wise, for someone to understand, or maybe just some relief in telling someone [anyone]. Anything anyone here has to say to me about this would be appreciated. Even if it's to tell me to get a grip. I'm lost, I need the perspective of peers.

 

The short story:

I have a partner of 4 years. I cheated on her recently.

The [very] long story:

I have been relatively happy with my partner for some time... She is pretty and nice and fun... of course in the past we had our fights and problems as with most relationships, but at some point [i can't pinpoint the time] I sort of 'emotionally checked-out'. I stopped caring if she got mad at me or was happy with me, but I am an easy going person and I like to keep things to myself, hidden away, so I never did anything about this. I have felt a few or more times that I was settling in being with her even though she seems suited to me and I can say nothing is very bad about her. She is intelligent and we have similar goals and interests. We have fun together. I SHOULD love her. So I stayed with her because she wants the same things as me, though she is kind of a nag and tends to be angry with me. I feel she is always right, because I never can be. After saying how great she is I just have to say that I don't have some inferiority complex that made me stay with her, in fact I have high self-esteem and know I'm deserving of it.

So why don't I love her the same anymore? And is it possible to again?

 

I have this ex. THE ex. My first love. She didn't treat me all that wonderfully, and at the end of it all and for the past few years I thought it was probably my fault. I think that's what I was told too. It's been too long to remember exactly what fingers were pointed where. She cut me off for years. Moved a thousand km away and refused to speak to me.

 

So I happen to be in her city and I see her about a month ago. It's a small world. We hang out for a few hours. I'm so stressed I can't eat all weekend. I've never forgotten her and secretly wished we could have another chance. But she hated me, so as insensible as my heart is, I don't let it get to my head because life is too short to waste and one can only take so much rejection. So I see her the next day at a party[we are attending the same weekend festival] and she tells me some stuff. Mainly that she is sorry for the way she treated me and that in a perfect world we could be together again one day.

My heart runs away with that given inch.

When we return home I know I'm in real trouble with my partner. I'm in love with someone else. Someone who, by all means, I should not want back. I try to break up with her, but she loves me and I say I'll try to feel it again. I lie about loving my ex though when she asks.

 

I meet her again the next time I'm in town [without telling my partner] because I want her back in my life as a friend. But I'm too weak to keep that promise of friendship to myself. Next thing I know I'm texting her all the time and weeks later I take a 4 hour detour on another trip to meet her again. She made it no secret that she wanted to be intimate with me, but that's it. No strings. I say no it wont happen. And then of course I'm stupid enough to risk my long standing relationship with someone I trust for 2 days of fun with someone who has hurt me more than anything else before and doesn't feel as strongly as I do now.

 

So now I'm still texting and calling her. And trying to break up with my partner. But it's so hard because she loves me and I hate seeing her cry and I KNOW I'm an idiot for throwing away what I have with her. And the OW has got pretty much nothing on my partner. But I know I will regret it if I don't chase after the OW.

 

I need help with a few things here. How do I make the breakup easier on my partner? I want to make the hurt as small as possible. Is it possible to repair what I have with her, though I don't want to make the effort? Where do I find the motivation inside of me to try with her? She thinks it's all her fault. That she was critical, unappreciative, and controlling. But I know it's my fault. My sister and the OW says never to tell her, it will hurt her more. If it was me though, I would want to know the truth no matter what. I don't have the courage to tell her what I've done though anyways.

 

How can I get over my ex? We don't want the same things out of life and I've built my home and career a province over. I wish I didn't want her, but I do so badly I'm risking my entire pretty little life. Is life too short and silly to bother trying to be rational about this? Do I run away with her? Could I even though? Because I suspect she may just be playing me.

 

I think I need to be single and happy by myself right now. But I want the ex so bad, and my partner wants me so bad she's willing to put up with my garbage and wait around for me to try and work on it.

No one can win in this mess it seems.

[Ninja'sHusband]

I think you need to let your partner know what she is up against and straight up tell her you are longing after your ex (and have cheated with her). That will be a big wake up call and might actually help the break up move along. As for getting with your ex....sigh...I think we both know this has a pretty dismal outlook, but you sound pretty set on your path no matter what logic tells you. You've spelled that out yourself already.

[whichwayisup]

End it with your current girlfriend and let her know she's done nothing wrong, that you are messed up, and even though you know this path (chasing ex) is wrong, you can't help yourself.

 

You are going to get hurt as this ex is playing you.

 

But, with that said, you checked out of your relationship well before the ex popped back into your life - It was over a long time ago..So, end it respectfully and quickly for your (soon to be ex) girlfriends sake. Then please stay out of her life and leave her alone so she can heal.

[GLDheart]

I say you're doing great...

 

 

... I mean with people like you this forum will always have a bright future.

[ComingInHot]

LostanFound: Lets play a little game. Trade places w/me for minute then let me know what you think

 

I've been in a relationship for FOUR years (I know long time right?!)

My guy and I are pretty well matched. Same goals, ideas, good times, good times.

Alas, I ran into this guy I super crushed on years ago (I mean total chemistry back then). The MEMORIES came flooding back. It was great to remember how he was this total jerk to me, and we completely weren't good together as he was on a totally different rode to me and how he totally dumped me in the most insensitive way. Yeah, it all came back and made me feel something I hadn't felt in a long time (I wonder what that could be? Love maybe?!)

So, I KNOW I shouldn't like cheat on my current TOTALLY AWESOME, HOT and WAAAY BETTER THAN ME boyfriend, but like I don't want to miss a chance to see if this old flame & I can make it work this time (I'm pretty sure I wouldn't mind being treated like crap again)

So, I cheated then like Tod my guy that we should maybe consider breaking up. Then he completely breaks down on telling me he loves me and wants to try and make us work which I guess I don't have a big problem w/cause I don't knw f this other thing will work out.

What do you all think? I don't want to hurt anyone, honest...

 

WELL LanF? What's your comment & advice? How did I come across to you and a bunch of strangers?

[AnotherRound]

Wow, that is quite a conundrum.

 

Not that I'm an expert by any means, but here's how I see it.

 

At the end of the day, you have to decide what is MOST important for you in a relationship. Really, make a list, in order of importance. That list might change over the years, but I doubt it changes drastically. Then, compare what you want to what you have.

 

If you read here much, you will see a LOT of people got married for the wrong reasons. Not that there really are "wrong" reasons, but there are wrong reasons for each of us, and it varies from person to person.

 

For instance - I would not marry for money, that just isn't important to me. So, that doesn't even play into my decisions at all - financial security. Not even a blip when I am choosing a partner. However, work ethic does. So, if someone is a hard worker, but doesn't make a lot of money and may never make a lot of money? Fine by me.

 

I find that for me, openness in communication is my BIGGEST need. I need someone that I can talk to, about anything. If I don't have that, I will never be happy.

 

What is your BIGGEST need? If it's stability, then it sounds like the current gf probably provides that. How important is that to you? Is it more important than chemical attraction or love? If not, where do those fall on your list?

 

It's not easy to figure out what you want and need in a relationship, but as you go on, you will certainly identify things that you don't want. Dealbreakers. What are your dealbreakers? For example, I cannot date a person who is very religious. Not bc they are wrong, but bc it doesn't fit into my world view. We would not mesh, it would be a constant point of struggle for us.

 

It's all about figuring out what you want and need, and don't want and won't deal with.

 

Nobody can tell you which one to choose, or which way to go. That is a tough decision that you are going to have to make. And every decision you make, you are going to have to live with for the rest of your life. So yes, choose wisely. BUT, don't beat yourself up if you make a decision and it doesn't pan out. That happens. And as long as you learn from it, it will be worth it. Short of death, these are JUST decisions about extras in life. No decision you make is going to kill you (hopefully!).

 

It's never easy to try to decide at a young age if you could see yourself being with someone forever. You're obviously a critical thinker in that you are considering all sides of the situation before making a decision. That's a good thing, imo, as it will allow you to make a solid decision.

 

Make the lists. Identify your dealbreakers and your must haves, and then fill in the middle with your wants and needs. Decide which ones you can sacrifice, if any, and which ones you can't. There's no easy answer, and it is all fluid, but you have to make the best decision for you at this time, and then own that decision and give it all you got.

 

Good luck and update us on what you decide!!!!

[AnotherRound]

Ps After re-reading your post again, and thinking a bit more... it doesn't sound like you really do love your current gf. You said that you "should" love her. Wow, is that what you want to settle for in this life? Being with someone bc others think that it's a good idea for you? Or bc you are a good match? In what ways are you a good match?

 

It sounds to me that if you are having to pretend to love her, that you are NOT a good match. Unless, stability and the house and what others think is more important to you than truly connecting with your significant other.

 

I don't know if the ex gf is going to a good fit for you either, nobody can know that ahead of time. But, it doesn't appear that the current gf is really a good fit for you, except in external appearance things. Maybe what will happen, is the ex gf won't work out either and you will move on to find someone that you are attracted to in the way you are your ex, but has the other fitting pieces too.

 

You only get one life. It's up to you how you choose to live it. Playing it safe is, well, safe... but it can make for an unhappy life (sometimes) an unfulfilled life (sometimes) and a relationship that is doable, but not spectacular. If it was me (and you have to make your own decision here), I would choose love. I would live my life as it comes. Bc to me, life is far too short to spend it settling for "okay". And if I never find that spectacular thing I'm looking for? Well, at least I tried, and experienced a lot along the way - and always learned something.