Why the hell do I do this to myself? My screwed up story.

[seemenow]

Feeling really low tonight.

 

My story. It isn't too long and it may be one of the most screwed up relationships you have heard of. But please read it if you get a minute.

 

Long story short-dated my ex for 5 years on and off. We got on great the moment we met. I fell hard, she fell hard. I have never loved anyone like that before, even though I have been in many long term relationships. We broke up numerous times-mostly because of blow out arguments over assumptions on my part, or me catching her in lies. And once because she cheated on me.

 

We have broken up officially for a year but have stayed close. I didn't feel like I needed to cut her out of my life because we were/are remarkable friends and I didn't want to lose that just because we couldn't make our relationship work.

 

She got a boyfriend about a year ago. The funny thing is she never would tell me that they were together. She stated they were just friends, but finally admitted to me that he was her boyfriend about 5 months ago. Honestly, it hurt a little, but overall I was bothered too much by it. I was just happy she was finally being honest about things in her life. I love her intimately, but I value our friendship more. But I do miss our relationship a lot.

 

About 2 months ago, she started calling me and texting me more. Really flirty texts. I went to France on business and the entire time there she would send me texts that were very flirtatious. I was a bit confused. We met for dinner when I got back and she told me she still loved me and missed me. She said her relationship with her boyfriend was not going well, and that she thought it was going to end. We began spending more time together, and eventually we started sleeping together again. I didn't feel good about this really. It was good to be with her again, but I felt weird about her still having a boyfriend. A couple weeks went by and she was still with him. One day I asked if she had ended it with him and she just shut me off. She didn't talk about it and got really distant and avoided me for days. I got really really upset and we got into a huge fight on the phone. I told her I was angry that she started things up with me again if she had no intention of leaving her boyfriend. She had no answers for me. Just stopped talking to me for a week.

 

Well, a few weeks go by with minimal contact. I got super depressed at this time because I am no longer talking to her and my friend gets into an auto accident and dies. I was crushed. I wanted to talk to her about it. But she continued to shut me down. When we do talk-I bring up the boyfriend and her cheating on him with me and she blows up says it was "only sex" between her and I and she is in love with him. Of course this angers me. I feel like she used me. I am hurt, upset, angry. We have been together for almost 5 years off and on and suddenly I am just sex?

 

I don't talk to her for a week after this. I find out through her brother that she has cheated on me more times than I thought and she even had two relationships going on at the same time for about 6 months. I make up my mind that I am going to turn off my heart towards her. I am going to try my best to lose all intimate feelings for her, because she simply doesn't respect, value, or appreciate me. I am done at this point. I love her with all of my heart. But I am done.

 

Another week goes by and she sends me a text asking if we can still be friends. I answer "eventually" she starts calling and texting me again, but rarely. Now to this week: She has called me a couple times and we have talked on the phone for 30 minutes each time. Just casually and friendly conversation for the most part. No talk of our past relationship or her boyfriend. I am satisfied with this and believe we can still be friends in the future.

 

BUT... I want to know if she is capable of treating me like this, why does she even bother to still talk to me? In her eyes she can get anyone she wants so why does she still need me around? and pathetically, I want to know why I still hope that we can have another go together in the future? My heart still wants her back. I still love her, and I want to just have this cool off time to think about myself and get myself better. And eventually I want to win her back. How can I be so pathetic? How can I still want her after all of this? Am I an idiot?

 

And to top it all off, I saw that one of her ex's has been posting on her facebook page a lot. I think she is cheating on her boyfriend with him and I am jealous of that!!! why???? I am jealous beause I want to be the "other person" in her life??? the "side dish"??? what the hell is wrong with me??

 

Please give me some feedback and insight on both me and my ex girlfriend...

 

What do you think she wants from me? What do you think her intentions are? Do you think she loves me?

 

and what the hell is wrong with me? Why can't I let her go? How can I feel this way?

 

And why the hell does she still want me in her life?

Edited September 17, 2012 by seemenow

[Sav]

She is not ready to be in a relationship AND you are not ready to be her friend.

 

She obviously has commitment issues. And I think she is just insecure and unsure of what she wants. She thinks she loves each and everyone of you and is afraid to give ANY of you up. Hence she is trying to keep every single guy in her life. This girl is bad news. She is in no way ready to be in a serious relationship yet.

 

You slept with her while she has a boyfriend. What comes around goes around. If she ever proposes the idea again, do not do it. I believe in getting what you give. I have cheated before and trust me, the hurt you get back is so much more. If you want your future girlfriend to respect you, respect other people's relationships first. No matter the reason, the relationship might be going sour or whatever, that is no reason to allow cheating.

 

Now you obviously have feelings for this girl. You attempt to be "friends" with her in order to cling onto the tiny hope that she sees what she gave up on and would come crawling back to you. Now I'm not saying this won't happen, but all I'm saying is you're potentially setting yourself up to ALOT of hurt.

 

To answer your question, why cant you let her go. This is because you dont want to. You are desperately clinging onto the small ray of light you think you see. If you want to give her up, do it right. Tell her you're not in the correct mental state to be her true friend and then go NC. Heal and focus on yourself. Once you're ready, you can be her friend but at that point of time, you most probably wouldnt even want that

[seemenow]

You're right, you're right, you're right. Thank you. I just wish I could understand it all better. I have known her so long and I don't understand this, and as a result I no longer understand myself. I feel fear at the thought of losing her completely. And I feel like I screwed things up, like I blew my chances to be the other person in her life, lol, the other person. Who would settle for that? no matter how much love is there. I just feel sick. Pathetic. Lonely.

 

Any more insight would be greatly appreciated...

[n989]

And I feel like I screwed things up, like I blew my chances to be the other person in her life, lol, the other person. Who would settle for that? I just feel sick. Pathetic. Lonely.

 

This is not about you. It is about her. As Sav said she is bad news. She is the one who has cheated mutiple times and still is.

 

I am going to try my best to lose all intimate feelings for her, because she simply doesn't respect, value, or appreciate me.

 

Absolutely. Repeat this to yourself. She doesn't deserve you as a boyfriend and probably not even as a friend. She sounds messed up, you need to do everything you can possibly do to avoid contact with her. When all the guys she is playing with wind up abandoning her and ignoring her then maybe she will get the picture and realise the harm she has caused. Do not contact her!

[Calico]

I just wish I could understand it all better. I have known her so long and I don't understand this, and as a result I no longer understand myself.

 

You're not wondering why spring and summer don't last and are followed by autumn and winter. You're not wondering why a child becomes an adult. You're not wondering why a beautiful flower wilts. But it's the same with everything in life: It changes. Feelings change, people change. It's hard to deal with it when they change and you don't (I'm in that situation, too), but ALL you can do is to accept it as a very basic fact of life (and it's good, because it means your pain will also not last). As long as you fight it, you'll hurt more.

 

I feel fear at the thought of losing her completely. And I feel like I screwed things up, like I blew my chances to be the other person in her life, lol, the other person.

 

Forget the regret. I did the same, I beat myself up for it, nearly physically wanted to slap myself, couldn't believe how stupid I was, but it DOES NOT MATTER. Why does it not better? Because you can't change it, it already happened. You can't do anything about it. Not a thing!

 

What you CAN do something about is the presence, and thus the future. You can become less emotionally dependent, you can leave her be, and let her live with her decisions. You can respect her decisions even if they blow your mind. I really understand that, I'm at a complete loss at what she sees in the other guy and gave up what we had, but she sees something in him and the ONLY thing I can do is to respect that because it's HER life, and saying, "I love you, but want to tell you what's best for you" is NOT love.

 

Focus on yourself, do things for yourself. It's always the same advice, and it's so simple that it seems almost useless. But it's the way through this: You need to befriend yourself and take care of your own life and not make your progress dependent on another person's feelings for you. You can't stop living because she stopped loving you.

[Sav]

You're right, you're right, you're right. Thank you. I just wish I could understand it all better. I have known her so long and I don't understand this, and as a result I no longer understand myself. I feel fear at the thought of losing her completely. And I feel like I screwed things up, like I blew my chances to be the other person in her life, lol, the other person. Who would settle for that? no matter how much love is there. I just feel sick. Pathetic. Lonely.

 

Any more insight would be greatly appreciated...

 

Don't worry about it. If you can just forget her, something is very wrong. After all, we're all humans not robots. We operate based on emotions and we can't just shut them out like that.

 

It could be hard to imagine life without her but there was a life before her and there can be a life after her too. Give yourself some time to mourn. I took 2 weeks lying in bed like a wreck and crying my eyes out. After that I started to try my hardest to forget. It's not an easy task, as I'm typing this I'm thinking of my ex, but that doesn't mean I will break down now.

 

We will all feel sad and it WILL take time to feel better. But it does get better. Im living proof of it. I'm sad but not heartbroken, I tear but I dont cry, I miss her but I don't want her. Soon you'll reach this stage. But you have to be strong. Persevere.

 

I went NC immediately after the breakup. Sent her a goodbye text msg and told her I cannot continue being her friend. I told her only after I stop crying and stop loving her then I will be ready. Then kaput, I went off the radar, out of her life.

 

You can do this, most of us here are doing it, some people tend to succumb to their temptations and contact their ex. If you feel necessary to do so, do it. But be mentally prepared.

 

Finally, you're not weak nor pathetic. I used to think that I am weak too. Sometimes I still do. But as I've said, we're all humans. Don't rush the process. Take pride in having guts to fall in love; in to the unknown. Do not despair because there will always be someone there for you, the person just hasn't appeared.

[seemenow]

Thank you for your words everyone, they make a lot of sense. and they are words I really need to hear right now.

 

Honestly, please give me your opinions here. Does my ex sound really messed up? Or does she just sound selfish?

 

Part of me doesn't want to let go of her because I feel a lot of this is caused by issues she cannot control.

 

Maybe she keeps me hanging on because I am one of the few who have chosen not to abandon her.

[Sav]

I'm going to be outright blunt with you.

 

You're NOT listening at all. The advice given here is pretty clear. Opinions are also pretty clear. We think that neither of you should be in a relationship right now. You can try if you want. Chances are you'll crash and burn.

 

Nobody can do a thing for you. It all comes down to what YOU want to do for yourself. If you want to be with her. Then go. If you want to stop being played. Then stop. Advice can only help if taken.

 

Not that I mean the advice we give is 100% correct. But based on the situation, the probability of both of you being unable to handle a relationship right now is very high.

 

So my advice is do what you want. Because the hurt is all going to come back to you. Sometimes we need to try things out before seeing how the situation really is.

[Mint Sauce]

she sounds messed up...

 

but unless she figures that out (she won't take that judgment from you), and decides to deal with it, there's nothing you can do, and there's no point in waiting. It may take 10 or more years for her to realize that she has issues to deal with.

 

Then again, she may just grow up, or be fundamentally selfish.

 

Nothing you can do but to move on... Perhaps that's even the last thing you CAN do for her. Not abandoning her clearly didn't help, perhaps losing you may wake something up...

[seemenow]

I am listening Sav, and I have read good advice. Nothing is black and white to me, that is why I am trying to gather as much different insight as I can. This is what is helpful to me. Thank you for lending me some insight.

 

Mint, thank you so much. Your words hit home for me.

[Sav]

I understand. I've been there too.

 

Let me share with you what I've learnt. Questioning anything will not solve anything. I used to question everything after the breakup. I questioned if the love was real, I questioned the relationship, I questioned my sanity, I questioned my strength. But all it did was add confusion and I fell deeper.

 

I know you can't just shut her out like that. Take your time. It's going to be a loong loooong time before you will feel whole again. But you will emerge stronger. Believe in that. Stay strong

[seemenow]

Thank you, Sav, I am trying. I know I will make it, just hard-really, really hard. I am glad you understand.

[soccerrprp]

 

Honestly, please give me your opinions here. Does my ex sound really messed up? Or does she just sound selfish?

 

Part of me doesn't want to let go of her because I feel a lot of this is caused by issues she cannot control.

 

Maybe she keeps me hanging on because I am one of the few who have chosen not to abandon her.

 

Ugh, this sounds SO familiar. Oh, wait, I'm doing the same thing! Seriously, though, my situation is a little different, but watch out for the "Knight in shining armor projection..." You can't save her! She needs to make the changes necessary to help herself. Don't buy into the notion that she is not capable of controlling her behavior, of course she is.

 

Whether she's messed up or simply selfish, they are both conditions that make it very difficult to maintain a relationship. Either way, it's really up to her to make it right for herself, not your battle.

 

Egad, I am trying (tried) to get back with my ex because of her abandonment issues thinking that i was doing the "right" thing, but it is also proving to be very taxing emotionally. But if your ex is not engaged and committed to changing, then you will be a victim of all kinds of emotional crap (as you clearly are now). You really need to cut her loose. Maintain NC and move on.

 

Don't be satisfied with someone who has cheated on you, on others and with you on others (incidentally, you cheating with her shows just how much control you don't have while with her. You did exactly what your values do no find acceptable and she helped drag you into the world of selfishness, deceit) ....all bad, very bad.

 

Good luck. You deserve better....

[Chi townD]

she knows that she can call you up anytime and you'll be there. Don't take this the wrong way, but you're weak. You're her back up plan. And every once in the while she pulls on the leash to make sure the dog is still there. Everytime she pulls on the leash and the dog is gone, she goes and looks for the dog. Once she finds him, she gets him back on the leash.

 

Look dude, time to cut ties with her completely. NO ONE deserves to be treated the way that she's treated you.

 

Time to heal and move on.

[seemenow]

Chi town and Soccer--thank you thank you thank you so much. You are right on so many things, and I really appreciate the kind words.

 

UPDATE: I have not called nor text my ex in 5 days, but last night she text me. She told me she had the flu, and that was it. Said she just wanted me to know that she was ok. ...ok? I have not contacted her, so why would she text me out of the blue like this? any ideas?

[Mike_d]

any ideas?

 

search the site for the keyword "breadcrumbs", your answer is within the results

[Chi townD]

I have not contacted her, so why would she text me out of the blue like this? any ideas?

 

*woof* *woof*

 

Is that dog still on the leash?