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What does he mean by sending me this message after he broke up with me?

moviegurl

By moviegurl
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!

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moviegurl New Member

moviegurl

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My ex has not initiated sending me a personal message in the month since he decided his feelings for me were "complicated" and sent me a breakup e-mail (previous post referenced below). He has forwarded me a few humorous/political e-mails. And lately, he has been liking and commenting on several on my Facebook posts, especially in the last few days.

 

Today, though, a month after the breakup, he sent me a private Facebook message: "For what it's worth, I feel bad about the situation, and I'm sorry."

 

I have been trying to maintain no-contact, except for one time I slipped up. Other than that, he hasn't heard from me. I've been staying busy. I'm fairly certain my ex knows I've just started dating again. I know for a fact he isn't seeing anyone.

 

For background info, basically, he was married for 19 years; his wife cheated on him; he has been divorced for 15 years; and he erected emotional barriers/defenses. Here's the link to my original post: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/342055-his-feelings-complicated-im-heartbroken

 

Why are his intentions in telling me a month later that he feels bad, after he sees, by all appearances, that I'm moving on? What does he want me to say to his message? How should I respond? Or not respond?

NoMoreJerks Established Member

NoMoreJerks

Posted
Posted

Maybe testing the waters to see your reaction. Keeping you on the side for a 'fling' if his other options do not pan out. IMHO.

 

My ex sent me a mssg similar to that, telling me I deserved better than him. I think he was playing out the nice guy on purpose, to guilt-trip me/play with my head. He always was good at mind games. In many other respects, he was by no means a "nice guy", especially when he threatened to break up with me multiple times to control me.

 

You don't need this. You are better off without him and his mind games. Ignore it and find a way of blocking him.

eleve82 Established Member

eleve82

Posted
Posted

I'm not sure it really means anything, except just that - he feels guilt. If you want to keep this door open to see if he eventually comes round, reply saying that you are doing well and that this was for the better, or something along these lines. Otherwise, don't say anything, but don't read into this message.

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soccerrprp Established Member

soccerrprp

Posted
Posted
I'm not sure it really means anything, except just that - he feels guilt. If you want to keep this door open to see if he eventually comes round, reply saying that you are doing well and that this was for the better, or something along these lines. Otherwise, don't say anything, but don't read into this message.

 

If he knows you are dating and trying to move on, I would say that the text is just that, a simple apology and feeling of guilt.

barese1 Established Member

barese1

Posted
Posted
I'm not sure it really means anything, except just that - he feels guilt. If you want to keep this door open to see if he eventually comes round, reply saying that you are doing well and that this was for the better, or something along these lines. Otherwise, don't say anything, but don't read into this message.

 

Agreed I don't think it means anything other than than his guilt. This post says it all, if you don't care then ignore, if one day you'd like to reconcile just reply with a simple, alls good reply

BooBoo1982 Established Member

BooBoo1982

Posted
Posted
My ex has not initiated sending me a personal message in the month since he decided his feelings for me were "complicated" and sent me a breakup e-mail (previous post referenced below). He has forwarded me a few humorous/political e-mails. And lately, he has been liking and commenting on several on my Facebook posts, especially in the last few days.

 

Today, though, a month after the breakup, he sent me a private Facebook message: "For what it's worth, I feel bad about the situation, and I'm sorry."

 

I have been trying to maintain no-contact, except for one time I slipped up. Other than that, he hasn't heard from me. I've been staying busy. I'm fairly certain my ex knows I've just started dating again. I know for a fact he isn't seeing anyone.

 

For background info, basically, he was married for 19 years; his wife cheated on him; he has been divorced for 15 years; and he erected emotional barriers/defenses. Here's the link to my original post: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/342055-his-feelings-complicated-im-heartbroken

 

Why are his intentions in telling me a month later that he feels bad, after he sees, by all appearances, that I'm moving on? What does he want me to say to his message? How should I respond? Or not respond?

 

Are you moving on? Are you over him?

Calico Established Member

Calico

Posted
Posted

Possible translations:

 

"Hey, I still haven't found a replacement. I figure you're better than nothing."

 

"You haven't come back begging yet. What's up with that?"

 

"I ran out of beer and it occurred to me I may have been a jerk. Ah, football's on!"

 

"Masturbating gets boring, so I wondered how you're doing?"

 

"Are you seeing someone? That's not right. You are supposed to miss me!"

  • Like 1
Freshstart637 Member

Freshstart637

Posted
Posted
Possible translations:

 

"Hey, I still haven't found a replacement. I figure you're better than nothing."

 

"You haven't come back begging yet. What's up with that?"

 

"I ran out of beer and it occurred to me I may have been a jerk. Ah, football's on!"

 

"Masturbating gets boring, so I wondered how you're doing?"

 

"Are you seeing someone? That's not right. You are supposed to miss me!"

 

^^ Haha, I agree, you took the words right out of my thoughts.

 

I'd like to add a couple more but I think you get the message.

Rol New Member

Rol

Posted
Posted

Breadcrumbs, I'm afraid. Here how it is at the moment: Ball is in your court, with each day that passes he becomes more and more emotionally indebted to you. Now the best thing you can possibly do here is...NOTHING. This will really get the message across that actually, although he did hurt you, hes not hurting you any more (even if this is not true, he doesn't need to know it isn't).

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moviegurl New Member

moviegurl

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Thanks, Rol, but what do you mean: "With each day that passes he becomes more and more emotionally indebted to you"?

geegirl Established Member

geegirl

Posted
Posted
"For what it's worth, I feel bad about the situation, and I'm sorry."

 

It does not mean anything other than to alleviate his guilt and throw you a little breadcrumb. He's curious about your silence so he's throwing you a line hoping you'll come back with something. "Aww...he's sorry, I feel bad, let me send him something to make him feel better." Don't fall for it.

 

My ex did the same thing. Stupid jokes. Links to dumb articles. A bunch of apologies. Nothing of substance that changed the situation. Keep moving forward.

Rol New Member

Rol

Posted
Posted
Thanks, Rol, but what do you mean: "With each day that passes he becomes more and more emotionally indebted to you"?

 

Emotional Debt; it may not feel like it but you are the one in control now; here is an example:

 

You text your ex/message your ex: you are now emotionally indebted to him/her because you are the one waiting for a response.

 

He/She texts/messages you back; now you are the person back in control once more because whether or not you message back is entirely your decision, it is under your "control".

 

Basically whoever has control over the communication is the one in emotional credit; because although it may still be confusing/difficult/hard ultimately the path of those emotions is entirely at your discretion.

 

He has messaged you and expects a reply, if he doesn't get one he will be the one wondering why whereas you KNOW why. So in a nutshell, emotional debt is a lack of knowledge of the other persons feelings, if you want to be the one in control, don't give him the knowledge in any way shape or form; the best way to do this is simply ignore him.

 

Knowledge about how we are, what we are doing etc. is incredibly valuable information and we should never be willing to give it away openly or freely until we trust that person completely; making them work for it makes us more valuable in that persons eyes. Make him work for the information, don't give him the slightest inkling of how you are feeling and what you are doing, after all your life is none of his business now, he gave up that privilege when he dumped you.

 

he's trying to appease his guilt, he's thinking about mainly himself and his feelings, that message pretty much implies this. So whilst trying to alleviate his guilt he thought he would drop you a little breadcrumb too; do yourself a favor, ignore it, what's the worst that could happen?

 

EDIT:looks like the person above me came to the same conclusion; seems pretty legit assumption to me.

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