I slept with him on the 1st date

[Seriously_mcdreamy]

I need some advice, I have been out of the dating game for awhile, I was in a long term relationship for almost 9 years. I met this guy online in a dating website, we texted back and forth all day. We decided that we really hit it off and met each other that night. He expressed that he was interested in finding someone for a ltr, and almost backed out of meeting me that night because he didn't want to give me the wrong impression that he was just looking to hookup. So we met, and we were right we really hit it off, and ended up having sex. He texted me the next day that he wanted to hangout. By the time I was able to text him back he was getting ready to go into work which was going to be a 48 hr shift. So, I stopped by to say hi, and we ended up having sex again (what can I say it is amazing.) While he was on his 48 hr shift we really didn't talk, which I understand he was busy. But since then he has been different, taking hours to respond to my text, and just being distant. So, I called him out on it, I said that I think he played me, and that I am not mad, I participated willing. He denied it and said that he has just been busy, fine I let it go. Saturday we were supposed to get together and he disappeared and I didn't hear from him until Saturday night. He said that he got a invitation to golf that day. I figure at that point screw this, and I stopped texting him. Well the next day (today) he texts me to see how my day was, and then asks me if I miss him. I don't want to answer cause it feels like a trick, so I ask him if he misses me and he says yes. I answer back that I miss him too, we send a few more texts, and then he disappears again. What is up with this guy? Is he playing me, and trying to string me along? Should I just ignore him? Why say you want a ltr, and deny being a player if you already got what you wanted? Help!!

[kiss_andmakeup]

Uhh...he obviously has a girlfriend (or two). A 48-hour shift? AKA a spending a couple days at the GF's place?

 

And he obviously lied to you about wanting an LTR because he wanted to enhance his chances of getting you into bed.

[mesmerized]

Never believe a guy when he says he is looking for an ltr. Look at their actions and not whwt they say. Take this as lesson learned.

[Seriously_mcdreamy]

No I know for a fact he has a job that requires a 48 hr shift he is in the medical field and he works with a mutual friend, so I know that is true.

[ascendotum]

Uhh...he obviously has a girlfriend (or two). A 48-hour shift? AKA a spending a couple days at the GF's place?

 

And he obviously lied to you about wanting an LTR because he wanted to enhance his chances of getting you into bed.

 

Could easily be the case, but I would not say ' obviously'. There are a lot of pump & dump merchants on OLD. As for the 48 hr shift, I think she must mean 12 hrs 4 days straight (like many miners do), but still you do get time off to be able to talk to loved ones on the phone if you are not exhausted. It is a good cover for having another woman though.

I think she is jumping to conclusions a bit too quick, considering she was fine to sleep on the first day and the second day. Maybe he is having wondering now how many other guys on OLD she does this with or that maybe she is deeperate. Maybe he is tired from long work hrs...it seems like this has taken place with a week, and its not like she really knows his normal MO for communication. "then he disappears again"....does this mean he mean he has not responded within 2 hrs or a day or 3 days?

[CptObvious]

medical? niiice.

 

You should ask him for some oxy

[Seriously_mcdreamy]

No he used to answer me pretty much right away when I would text him, and now it take 8 hrs, or more. And I don't text him first, he will text me first I will respond I usually wait an hour or so I don't look like I am waiting for him. After I text him back he disappears, like tonight he is gone no ttyl, no goodnight nothing just dead air.

[Balzac]

Curious as to why you respond to him? I'd be saying NEXT.

This guy is not coming through for you. Out of the game for a near dr decade or not, you can find a more responsive guy.

[SJC2008]

When it comes to OLD there are two constants if you will. One being that women get pumped and dumped A LOT. The other being most men give up on OLD becasue they never get a response,usually becasue the woman that are in their league are getting pumped and dumped by some hot guy, rinse and repeat. You had to learn the hard way.

[O'Malley]

Snake oil pitch, as far as the ltr spiel and his 'fear' of creating the wrong impression, when his actions clearly suggested otherwise. There's also something to be said for a man who exercises some restraint in the initial stages. If this guy figures that he has you on the hook, he'll keep in intermittent contact and offer to hang out (hook up) on occasion.

 

You can't change his behavior, but taking consistency in actions and words into account is key. Don't have casual sex unless you're completely accepting of the possible lack of further investment; acknowledge your boundaries and maintain them. Someone genuinely interested in you would not skip out on agreed upon plans for golf or whatever hole he was hoping to tee off from. When someone treats you as an option, it's time to move on.

[Beausoleil]

It's been years since I've slept with someone on a first date or after meeting a guy in a bar, but I've never had any kind of decent relationship follow those rolls in the hay. It's all true that a lot of guys are simply players, or lose interest if they haven't gotten to know you beforehand. It's also true that for me, I jumped in the sack out of lust. I might have been disappointed if I didn't hear from him afterwards, but I didn't really know the guy anyway.

 

I have a feeling this guy is playing you, but also that you are chasing him. I've done that before too, and it *never* worked out. I'd get the same thing, no responses, late responses, not calling when he said he would.

 

The good LTRs I've had didn't start off with a big bang. They slowly grew and blossomed. Neither I or the guy pushed one another forward or chased the other.

 

Maybe you need to give yourself more time to feel good about yourself now that you're on your own again? The guy said he had a golf date.... that kept him from texting you to at least say something had come up? That's not a good sign, and it's disrespectful.

[SJC2008]

It's been years since I've slept with someone on a first date or after meeting a guy in a bar, but I've never had any kind of decent relationship follow those rolls in the hay. It's all true that a lot of guys are simply players, or lose interest if they haven't gotten to know you beforehand. It's also true that for me, I jumped in the sack out of lust. I might have been disappointed if I didn't hear from him afterwards, but I didn't really know the guy anyway.

 

I have a feeling this guy is playing you, but also that you are chasing him. I've done that before too, and it *never* worked out. I'd get the same thing, no responses, late responses, not calling when he said he would.

 

The good LTRs I've had didn't start off with a big bang. They slowly grew and blossomed. Neither I or the guy pushed one another forward or chased the other.

 

Maybe you need to give yourself more time to feel good about yourself now that you're on your own again? The guy said he had a golf date.... that kept him from texting you to at least say something had come up? That's not a good sign, and it's disrespectful.

 

So becasue she spreads her legs on the first date and a few days later he has to commit now??

[Beausoleil]

So becasue she spreads her legs on the first date and a few days later he has to commit now??

 

Don't know if you're talking to me, if so that's not what I said.

 

If you're talking to the OP, I don't think that's what she said either.

[ascendotum]

So becasue she spreads her legs on the first date and a few days later he has to commit now??

 

Seems like this flurry of activity has taken place within a week, not exactly a lot of time to consider this any sort of relationship. They don't really know each other well, and you could say they are just dating still, but with the sex aspect on fast forward. I get the impression, the OP was happy to get physical on the first night and also initated the 2nd encounter at his place.

Nothing wrong with having sex on the first date and many relationships can begin that way. On the other hand lots of prospects peter out after a couple of dates, because they re-evaluate their impression of the person and how they fit into what they really want in a partner as they know them a bit better, and if sex happened to quick it can leave the woman with the impression she was used, when it was not necessarily his only motive.

 

This guy might be a playa and he might not (if he's a doctor he will have plenty of women interested and may make the most of it), its just that sex happened so fast that gives that impession he is and it doesn't seem as if he pushed for it. He could still be interested in her, but as he has got older has decided he is not prepared to change his regular life around for a new woman, that he has just known for a week.....though I tend to agree playing a game of golf instead of meeting you or at least rescheduling is not good sign OP. If he was a playa and knows you are hooked, I would have thought he would stay on the scene and make the most of it for longer. The OLD playas I know gnerally do.

Edited September 17, 2012 by ascendotum

[yongyong]

There are gender roles in dating.

Man bangs a girl on first date. If he disappears, he will be called a douche bag who used her. (bad situation if she is from social circle) If she like them, he better keep banging her till she gets sick of him.

Woman bangs a guy on first date. If she disappears, her choice should be respected. He can not blame her and if he gets upset over it, he will be laughed by her and her friends.

 

There is another thing. Although he initiated physical contact, by sleeping with him on first date, you are a slut as a woman. He will be thinking 'this girl had sex with me on first date, I bet she does that all the time'

Whether you hate it or not, this is the truth in dating.

[Emilia]

I don't know whether he has 'played' you OP but as someone else pointed out, this has happened within the space of one week. This is the trouble with having sex with someone so quickly, the pace tends to pick up fast between two complete strangers who can't relate to each other that well. I'd take a step back perhaps not writing him off completely just yet. It's unlikely to work out though, just too messy already

[Untouchable_Fire]

No he used to answer me pretty much right away when I would text him, and now it take 8 hrs, or more. And I don't text him first, he will text me first I will respond I usually wait an hour or so I don't look like I am waiting for him. After I text him back he disappears, like tonight he is gone no ttyl, no goodnight nothing just dead air.

 

... sounds like the fade out.

 

Tons of possible reasons. He might think you are too easy, he maybe found a better woman, maybe he thinks you suck in bed... ect. Tons of possibilities.

 

Bottom line... Don't act clingy! Just play it cool. If he like you then he will make it happen. Otherwise... time to move on.

[Jamesblame]

Sorry to hear!

 

I've worked with firefighters and medical staff--they work a couple long shifts on occasion. Especially firefighters. But...they also have a lot of downtime to respond.

 

All guys know that the number one way to put down a date's first defenses is to talk about their family and what they want in a long term relationship---it' shady...but it works.

 

Unfortunately sometimes guys do actually mean what they say.

 

It's odd that after having sex he wasn't more into you. Even if he wasn't that interested he'd kind of go for you.

 

Maybe you aren't very good at sex? I don't mean to be rude, I was just thinking out loud.

 

I wouldn't say he was playing you without definite evidence, but I would say his behavior is a red flag and you should be really really cautious with him. I am projecting her, but maybe he's tired of casual dating and is looking for a serious relationship...he was turned off by his behavior when he had sex with you.

 

Maybe he has someone else.

 

Either way, he may not emotioanlly be there for a ltr

[mysteryscape]

a guy says he wants a ltr and you sleep with him on the first date, then come back for more (at least you weren't a one-night stand, congratulations!)

 

didn't your mother or grandma or great-grandma ever talk to you about these things?

[Seriously_mcdreamy]

He called me this morning and apologized for Sunday. Apparently his parents came in to town unexpected and his dad really wanted to go golfing. He said that he texted me that he had to cancel, and sure enough there was a text from him at 11 am Sunday morning. We also set up another date for this week, and we chatted for a while.

[mortensorchid]

Hey, sweetheart, you didn't do a bad thing, don't blame yourself for something. I will not go into details, but it's happened to me and others out there - meet someone, then jump into something immediately. He may have been a good guy, he may have not, but remember you two are/were strangers to each other. Don't sweat this, you were just two ships that passed in the night. Move on and you'll be happier, call it experience.

[fishtaco]

Echoing what mortensorchid said. Don't beat yourself up over it.

 

In fact, I think you have a very healthy attitude. Sure you jumped into sex, but you know you are 50% responsible. The important thing now is to figure out where this is going. If the answer is nowhere, hey, at least you had some fun.

 

I'm a big proponent of multidating. So I would say keep the communication open and see what he's about. Eventually you'll figure it out. You can continue to have sex with him if you choose to, or you can cool it off. Your choice. Important thing is to not mentally over-invest in this guy.

 

In the mean time, nothing is stopping you from meeting other men. Maybe you'll meet another one that you have a great spark and sexual chemistry, and maybe that one will turn out to be a much better guy.

 

I say this because I don't buy into the double standard. But I know not everyone thinks like me.

 

Casual sex is casual sex. It can't earn you a relationship that wasn't going to happen, and it won't drive away someone who is non-judgmental and genuinely interested in you (why would anyone want to date a judgmental person anyway?). People give too much power to sex. Sex on the first date? So what? Big deal. Consenting adults do consensual things. What's next, only date virgins?

[stillafool]

He called me this morning and apologized for Sunday. Apparently his parents came in to town unexpected and his dad really wanted to go golfing. He said that he texted me that he had to cancel, and sure enough there was a text from him at 11 am Sunday morning. We also set up another date for this week, and we chatted for a while.

 

That's good that he called you and explained what happened. I don't know why you would question the "great sex" you had with this guy as you getting played. You wanted the sex (twice) and enjoyed it as much as he did whether you two went on the have a relationship or not. You were not a victim. It would seem if you were really looking for a LTR you would have declined the sex and decided to get to know him and about him before you made your LTR choice.

[yessy21]

medical? niiice.

 

You should ask him for some oxy

 

 

No She shouldnt.

[hestheone66]

i have been attracted to men and been with them just for a hookup sometimes repeatedly. the sex has usually been excellent. i have always been clear that i wasnt looking for ltr..the key is lack of frequency. if you have 3 men u see for sex but each ine only ince every 6 weeks its ok. as ling as everone is open thats irs not ltr. ive had to drop contact with 1 who got attached after thw first time we had sex.

but once i met a guy explained what my 'rules' were..skept with him on first date and weve bwwn in relatiinship for 8 monrhs..very romantic and fulfilling...key to success in both situations is open hinest communication.