AngrySmile Posted September 17, 2012 Posted September 17, 2012 Hi Loveshack community. For all intensive purposes, my name is Will. I'm going to tell you a very personal story-all of which is the cause for my sadness and uncertainty right now. I met a girl back in 2005. We hit it off pretty fast and not a month after, we have lived together. We lived with her aunt for a while until I could find a place. It seemed well and fine, aside from my attitude changing. I will state that from October 2005 onward, I suddenly became an angrier person. It wasn't like rage anger which was violent, but it made me more repressed. As she would put it, I was more and more regressive and silent, and I was always online, never seeking to improve myself. I made excuses and told her that I needed to leave the place where we were living-because it was too cold and that if we moved somewhere else it would make things better. Against all logic,she came with me to New York City. And while it was hard for her to be away from her family, she flourished. But I floundered. I still found work but I disliked my job and I tried to seek out my calling, only to be rejected alot. I never told her though, I just ranted and raved about my job. But she got a plethora of great jobs and pursued dancing and excelled and found ways to spread Native American knowledge in that city. So, you all are reading this and going "Where's the breakup?" Well, I began going out and drinking and gallavanting around, trying to make the world like me. I will make this clear. I never cheated on her. But I do recognize that my actions hurt her because she would wait up for me and I would never show (I would pass out on the subway-have had it happen for months.) and I would just brush it off as normal. So, one January, she called it off (We were about 4 years in at that point..) and February she began dating another guy almost immediately. They got physical, but then she stopped and we got back together (We were still living together-so yeah that was hard.) and we tried to make it work and we were floundering and then we moved from New York in July of 2011. Where I still seemed to not flourish. I will admit, I didn't really try to make this last apartment a home for us, she did, as she always has done. She had all the love in the world, and I squandered it. So this August, she said she wanted to live alone, that she owed it to herself to get rid of me and to focus on her school and be a person she can be-and that she wants me to do the same. I cried, I begged, we argued, but in the end I respected her decision and moved out. I've seen her twice to gather a few things and help her with her computer networking that I set up. I can't stop texting her hour long texts every other day...but of course she does not want any contact with me. Now for the sad things. I was going to marry her, bought a ring and everything. Her family was in on it (and they spoiled the surprise) but she also then told me as we went through this that she felt trepidation when she found out, not happiness. Which made me feel absolutely low. So here I am, Sept 16th 2012. It's been 25 days since this separation. I was living out of my car for a few nights, and then a co-worker took me in his spare room. She let me stay in the apartment until I could find a place, but I couldn't live in a place where I was well, I say hated and unloved, it may not be as dramatic as I make it sound. The last time we talk/argued, she said she felt like it was over, but she hasn't let herself feel anything because she's been so busy with work and school-and that she hasn't wanted to think about it-she didn't want to see me and that she doesn't think we are on bad terms. I told her she can still ask for my help. But yeah. Its weird. I'm now by myself. I don't have family back here, all of them are back east and none of my family can take me in. I don't have hardly any friends here, the closest are about 400 miles away in a different city, and I can't even go see them because I'm so financially strapped. All I have is work and I don't even like my job! She told me to do what I want, and that she doesn't know what the future holds, but that all her signs told her to get rid of the guy she was with. (me) because I made her so unhappy. I feel like I ruined her life and that maybe I deserved it. But it still doesn't take away from the pain I feel and the heartache I am ripping through. Every day is a emotional roller coaster. She told me she doesn't have those feelings for me, but she cares about me very much and she felt she was holding me back. Again, she never held me back, I was just an ass and focused on anything I could but her, Video games. Alcohol. Being social. Basically everything that didn't matter I made matter. We had a great amount of great times, but I can't just delete all those photographs. I can't forget her family, I love her whole damn family. I love her so much it makes me sick inside. I'm trying to be healthy and cook every day and exercise and force myself to work as well as I can, but then a day like today comes where I stare at her photo and cry my eyes out and type this on a message board becasue I have no one else and no where else to turn because the idiot me wants to die and let the me that feels like this take over and just wants to take her in my arms and hold her tight and never let myself fall down that rut again, but she has all the reason in the world to never believe a thing I say again. But I feel she'll never see me in that same light. I'd even start over from scratch and rebuild this relationship following the new healthier mindset I've been consistently adopting (basically growing up and making smarter choices). I'm doing this for me-but I also just want a second chance with the smarter me that she believes is there as well as I do. I just feel I'll never get it and that's what breaks my heart, that I failed a seven year relationship as well as shattered that woman's perception of me because I wasn't man enough to do all the things she needed at the times she needed. Not saying I was never there, I just really made mistakes. Alot of them. She was the one. There's no one better than her, and I'm miserable because of it. Miserable I miss her so much and it hurts so much to even write this post. But I needed to get it out. Any and all advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you for your time.
amaninlove Posted September 17, 2012 Posted September 17, 2012 Man oh man, I feel you. I am going through a very similar situation, and I have to say - having gotten up in the middle of the night (because I can't sleep) - turned to the LS forums and read this - it moved me and broke my heart at the same time. My reply is coming, but will be longer, bear with me...
amaninlove Posted September 17, 2012 Posted September 17, 2012 I don't know if this will help, but here's what I know I did: 1) I rejected all the things that were ****ing staring at me in the face, found reasons to deny the fact that someone was LOVING ME and healing me, and trying to pull me out of all the fricking holes I kept digging for myself. 2) I started going to bars and pubs and sitting in there night after night, dejected and depressed because something was wrong - but not knowing at the time that the something that was wrong was ME. What KILLS now is the fact that it took me from May (when I broke us up to fix myself) until July to figure this stuff out, now she's moved on and I cannot - no matter how carefully I've treaded and tried - BREAK THAT WALL that she has built. ------ OK, so we've both acknowledged that we've been self destructive in the past, right? What do we do now? My relationship was 12 years. I am utterly devastated, I can't really to be honest put the feeling into words. Crying non stop, regret, and that horrific feeling that I KNOW I SCREWED UP... What to do? You sound like you have adopted a really healthy approach to your life, and you've taken steps to try to self improve and figure some things out about yourself. She decided that she needed to put herself first, as my ex now has - and to be honest, at some point this was going to happen. She needs to feel good about herself without it being dependent on what is going on in the relationship. 'but she hasn't let herself feeling anything...' - well this could be a sign that she is still coming to terms with her loss, or is just blocking you out at the moment. I wonder if it is possible that she has just put you to one side for a bit and is deciding what to do... And before anyone else rags on me for saying it's wrong to say women do specific things that are repeatable - THEY DO. One of the things I know women and girls do is that they put things in boxes and kick them under the bed, not dealing with them. The box is then taped shut and left upside down. I've seen it done a few times. Once they decide it's time to deal with that box under the bed, they may tentatively start to look for it again under the bed, and...POSSIBLY, open it to see what remains inside. It is this that I hope will happen in my situation, and my advice would be to you that if you believe that you are capable of long-term change, and can respect and love her in the way you described in that awesome post of yours, you might have a chance. Thank you immensely for giving me A LOT to think about. I'll put my post in my sig, unless you feel like commenting or have anything to say about my situ. Peace. 1
Author AngrySmile Posted September 18, 2012 Author Posted September 18, 2012 Hey. Ok. Yes. I started to force myself to work out. She was already a super healthy person. I just played Ultimate Frisbee alot, but I ran alot so it kinda evened out. But now I'm forcing myself to workout for 15-20 minutes a day, strength training and cooking food instead of just eating whatever I can scrounge, to save cash. I have a feeling she is blocking me out. She is the type the listens and interprets spirituality cards and what not. So, all the cards are literally stacked against me. But I took her advice and did a set of cards so she could see where I should head. Stupid card I got told me to fight the good fight-that the battle is not won and you only lose if you believe it to be decided for you. :/ You have no idea how livid that made me. But I'm still here. Hell, I'm working on a Powerpoint presentation right now to e-mail her in about 2 weeks time once I get all the photos I need and Google Docs stops lagging like a slug with a cramp. I hope she comes back to think about this, and that I'm still here. I can't move on, there's no real solace for what I feel right now. If I move on, I know that I failed myself and that I'm not fighting for what I believe in, but at the same time-you can't change someone's mind about you unless you change yourself. As for you man: The only thing I have right now is to focus on what I love aside from her. I don't have much else aside from this job and saving money to pay my debt. You can do the same, focus on you and remember the things that she said you can improve, and improve them for yourself. And do something you haven't done in a while to remind you that you still have some spirit in you. Might be small and shattered like mine, and filled with grease tipped daggers, but its there. Then maybe it can get easier. Least, that's all I have. 7 years, 12 years, 6 months. Hurts all the same.
ponette Posted September 18, 2012 Posted September 18, 2012 I don't know if this will help, but here's what I know I did: 1) I rejected all the things that were ****ing staring at me in the face, found reasons to deny the fact that someone was LOVING ME and healing me, and trying to pull me out of all the fricking holes I kept digging for myself. 2) I started going to bars and pubs and sitting in there night after night, dejected and depressed because something was wrong - but not knowing at the time that the something that was wrong was ME. What KILLS now is the fact that it took me from May (when I broke us up to fix myself) until July to figure this stuff out, now she's moved on and I cannot - no matter how carefully I've treaded and tried - BREAK THAT WALL that she has built. ------ OK, so we've both acknowledged that we've been self destructive in the past, right? What do we do now? My relationship was 12 years. I am utterly devastated, I can't really to be honest put the feeling into words. Crying non stop, regret, and that horrific feeling that I KNOW I SCREWED UP... What to do? You sound like you have adopted a really healthy approach to your life, and you've taken steps to try to self improve and figure some things out about yourself. She decided that she needed to put herself first, as my ex now has - and to be honest, at some point this was going to happen. She needs to feel good about herself without it being dependent on what is going on in the relationship. 'but she hasn't let herself feeling anything...' - well this could be a sign that she is still coming to terms with her loss, or is just blocking you out at the moment. I wonder if it is possible that she has just put you to one side for a bit and is deciding what to do... And before anyone else rags on me for saying it's wrong to say women do specific things that are repeatable - THEY DO. One of the things I know women and girls do is that they put things in boxes and kick them under the bed, not dealing with them. The box is then taped shut and left upside down. I've seen it done a few times. Once they decide it's time to deal with that box under the bed, they may tentatively start to look for it again under the bed, and...POSSIBLY, open it to see what remains inside. It is this that I hope will happen in my situation, and my advice would be to you that if you believe that you are capable of long-term change, and can respect and love her in the way you described in that awesome post of yours, you might have a chance. Thank you immensely for giving me A LOT to think about. I'll put my post in my sig, unless you feel like commenting or have anything to say about my situ. Peace. this is a great post, thank you. i'm in the same boat, a woman who has, i think, thrown my relationship into a coffin and pounded in the last nail. my anger and silences have been an ongoing problem, and i think my last angry silence has just sent my older guy into possibly permanent exile. i have not been officially dumped with a conversation or even an email, but after just over a month, it's a foregone conclusion. heartbroken that he has not reached out, i figure i must leave him alone and not bother him, because as i know all too well, if he wanted to talk to me, he would. this is how men are-they act, whereas women ruminate more. i hate myself for allowing my demons to destroy something so important to me. all i can do now is get therapy, try to go forward, post here, and hope that with some time and healing, he might talk to me again.
Author AngrySmile Posted September 22, 2012 Author Posted September 22, 2012 So, it's been a few days of complete crap on my nerves. I think the stress of my job really weakens me throughout the day, and knowing I can't have time off until this project is done is just wrong and mean and horrible. But onto the situation. It's over. I posted a very sensible and thought out post on FB (OMG NONO?) But I was very surprised to see 1) the amount of support I actually have for me, and the endearing comments from everyone wishing I'm ok-including her. 2) the Tanamount thing that I often take for granted. I wanted everyone at one time to be able to agree on something. By everyone, I mean everyone I ever met. I really love meeting and exchanging experiences with people, and I didn't believe there were so many people from years past and present day that posted for me. I felt a lot better-but it still hurt that I was alone. 3) Her family told me I was not to run away, to stay because they still loved me all the same and that she would not be ad missed to hanging out with them. (That really gave me something to cry about. I realized how strong I would need to be to be able to be peaceful and coexist, but something told me I could do it.), and her mother was very supportive as well. It was MY family I had to shut down. They almost started to rip her a new one, but I made sure to undermine their posts so there would be no bad blood and I believed she took them down. I might see her on Monday to get my crock pot, and that'll be that. I promised I wouldn't dilly dally, just take my stuff and go. But I look forward to seeing her as a happy autonomous woman, and I plan on making sure she sees me as a healing man-with a small hope that in the far future, there can be some common ground between us once more. The future is not written in stone, but one can only work for themselves. (Then things got bad and I will admit I had a slight fight with sensibility and I contemplated the "S" word, but a friend and my mom called me at the right time and managed to talk me out of it. I really was messed up today, but that may have been the hardest time out of it all.)
LostOne1 Posted September 22, 2012 Posted September 22, 2012 wow everyone in the last few posts has touched me and I have the same feeling about improving myself. I felt like I was this amazing guy and I loved myself and she fell in love with this guy. And then something happened to me, I got lazy, did less stuff, spent more time on other things and less on her etc.... THen she leaves and it opens my eyes, almost like I wake up to my true self. But she thinks its too late now. Now after a month I have been looking at the bad me.. the qualities that got me to this point. And to change them make myself better, the best we can do through this is say "HEY, I might not be able to win my ex back for sure, but I can for sure learn from this and make myself a better person". At the end of the day what matters is learning and becoming better. Otherwise our next relationship might come by one day and we will make the same mistakes. I think through this experience I learned to hate myself more, and then love myself more. Just because I learned that I wasn't perfect and if I want to be close to it. Then I have many things I need to fix and work on to be a better person and partner.
Author AngrySmile Posted September 23, 2012 Author Posted September 23, 2012 LostOne1: That's what I mean. I really had to hate myself, but I've been hating myself for years. Mainly becasue I never really focused on me. I finished college on my own really, and then suddenly I was in a whirlwind relationship that opened my eyes to hundreds of cool things, but also shut myself down. Now that I'm here, with nothing to my name, I see that was dumb. I still hurt, yes, but I'm tired of crying now. I still do it, but I think I just passed the first hump. I've never been the type to cut off anyone that is more positive than negative, and I wont start here. But I'm not hoping for it to work. She's amazing, I'm amazing, but we're not amazing together. Done.
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