How can I get away?

[Miss_Maida]

I don't even know how to begin this. I'm a single student in grad school, and I work at a store with about 12 other staff. I started working there when I began college and fit in very well at work and I consider it my second home. Of course, there is more to it than that.

 

I started becoming close with my manager, who is only a few years older than me. We just seemed to get along and a lot of the other kids were younger so he and I got on very well, however we were just friends. He had (and still has) a fiancé, and he has been with her for about six years now. I remember the first time I saw him and I felt something, although I think I denied it for a long time. Anyways, we eventually exchanged numbers and started texting often, and at the time I had a boyfriend as well. Eventually texting often turned into every day, and every day turned into all day and sometimes all night. When I say all day, I mean ALL day. I wondered if his fiancé ever wondered who he was talking to but I never asked. He made me feel very special, but not in a romantic way. He seemed to care for me a lot, and he always said he loved talking to me and he considered me a very close friend.

 

Eventually things began to escalate and we became attracted to each other. I broke up with my boyfriend (for unrelated reasons) but he continued his relationship with his fiancé. It just began with the talking, but soon we were sneaking things in at work. We made it clear that if anything serious were to happen that it would be solely physical, yet we would still remain close, just not romantically. One night he had a few beers and asked me to pick him up from his house late and we drove around, and then we went back to my place. Stupidly I thought we would just talk and I'd drive him home but we both had a few (maybe more than a few) drinks, he kissed me, one thing led to another and we ended up sleeping together and he stayed the night at my place. The next day I drove him home and we talked about what happened and he said he definitely wanted it to happen again. We went to work later as if nothing happened.

 

Just a month earlier, my best friend was cheated on by her significant other and I was outraged. I was never an advocate of cheating in any way, however it turns out that when you're the other woman or man, your views change. I didn't really think of myself as guilty. His fiancé hardly ever came into the store. When she did, they never kissed or even touched and when they talked on the phone he never said he loved her. He also never spoke about her. And so the affair continued a while, usually at work (we often closed together). However after the first time, we never kissed or did anything intimate, we just got to the good stuff right away. Eventually (though it took a very long time for me to admit, or even realize) I began to fall hard for him like I haven't for anyone else and I wanted more. I began thinking about the time he had kissed me and the world stopped moving and how no one else measured up to him.

 

One day when we had planned to have sex after work as usual, he had his coat on and just acted like we never planned anything and left. He also stopped texting me and talking to me outside of work without any explanation. Obviously I was extremely upset, for a lack of an explanation, because I was in love with him, but mostly because above all we were friends and I didn't deserve that. I was afraid to confront him though so it went on like that for months. In that time I found out that he had played the same game with another girl I know (and God knows how many others) and I realized I was nothing to him and he was just a liar and a cheater and a player. That fuelled another few months of sadness and hate and anger. At work I was professional but distant and subtly resentful. I longed to be indifferent but I knew the "hate" I felt for him was just an indication of how much I still cared.

 

Finally, about 5 months after he walked away we began talking here and there, making small talk. One thing about him is that he makes me laugh more than anyone I have ever met and he does it with such ease. I wanted to stay mad at him but the truth is I inherently enjoy his company and it was more work to be angry with him than to just give in. (My mother would be very disappointed with my lack of self-esteem and would say I should have stood up for myself.. I partly agree but I just couldn't escape from him.) Eventually after a few weeks of small talk, we began to talk about what had happened between us and why we stopped talking. He said he realized that I deserved more than what he could give and I was "too smart and too beautiful" for that and he backed off. He apologized and said that he wanted to be friends again. However there was one catch - he had still been fantasizing me about me that whole time and thought of having sex with me every day. I told him hell would freeze over before we were doing that again (I knew I was lying to both of us but I wanted to at least attempt to keep a shred of my dignity. Truthfully I was quite smug that he wanted to re-start the affair and that it was him that came crawling back to me and I was at least going to make him work for it). However, he said he knew I wouldn't consider that and he was just trying to be honest with me. He said being my friend, helping me through hard times and making me laugh meant more to him than anything physical ever could.

 

Inevitably our affair began again, despite him buying a house with his fiancé and setting a wedding date with her (I wondered when it was going to stop but I realized he would probably continue this behaviour after they got married). It has been going on for four months now, and he shows no signs of slowing down. Although he still thinks I deserve more, he doesn't feel bad because I had a chance to reject his invitation and instead I accepted it, and I chose to start things again - I wasn't lured or sucked into anything like the first time.

 

Sadly, I am unquestionably in love with him. When he laughs really hard, he smiles really wide (perfect smile) and his eyes squint and I try to act like I'm laughing at the joke too but really the world fades away and all I feel is him. I keep wondering when I'm going to meet someone but it's difficult when I compare everyone to him and no one measures up. The saddest thing is knowing what he did to me and whatever other girls he did that to.. yet knowing I still love him. I know truthfully he does care for me and we are close friends and we do have a connection (I'm not just a physical escape), but its not romantic and he has no intentions of ever making it that way. Unfortunately I feel such a powerful connection, like we were put on this planet to be together and I can't help but wonder if he ever feels that.

 

I know he is going to stay with his fiancé, and I know I have to get over it. I can't quit my job because it's paying for my tuition (okay I could get another job but I can't tear myself away). I know I need to end the physical affair but obviously being in love with him I want to hold onto that so badly. Partly because the sex is fantastic, but also because each time it happens it shows he still wants me. How do I get away from this? I can't cut him out completely.. he is one of my best friends and is such an important part of my life. But if I don't, I will never lose this ridiculously strong love I feel for him.

[AnotherRound]

Wow, that is a really sh/tty situation. I'm sorry that you are in it.

 

It is very obvious, from your post, that you are very intelligent and insightful... and honest with yourself. That's great, and will serve you really well (as I'm sure it already has on numerous occasions!). So, you have that going for you here. It is also obvious that you are in love with him. That isn't so great, bc it can be extremely difficult to pull yourself away from someone you love, even when you KNOW that they are unhealthy for you (and he is in that he is in another relationship that he has no intentions of ending).

 

I think that you are on to something with the "self esteem" thing. In that, you are allowing him access to you physically bc it makes you feel "wanted" by him, even though he has made it pretty clear, that despite his attraction to you in other ways, that he is not willing to be in a "full" relationship with you.

 

I'm also pretty concerned that he did this with another girl too? I mean, he isn't even married yet and he is already cheating this prolifically? That's not a good sign, imo.

 

I don't believe that he is "just using you" for sex, as I think it's far more complicated than that. But, I do think, from what I've read, that you know on some level that he is "using" you. And I think you're right about the lowering your expectations thing too. That in getting you to somewhat "agree" to the set up he wants, that you have accepted much less than what you truly want from him (or even need?), and that it works for him, but it's obviously NOT working for you.

 

None of this is easy. You are where you are right now, and there's no taking anything back or changing what has already happened. What do you WANT to do? I mean, do you want to try to be in a full relationship with him, considering what you now know about him? And maybe it's true that he and his fiancee are not a good match, who knows why they are marrying, there are a million reasons people get hitched and it isn't always love or attraction. But really, does that even matter at this point? Because it seems he IS getting married to her.

 

If I was you, I would seriously try to get some space. See if space can make some of those feelings fade, or look different, or change. I would try, as much as you can, to stop being intimate with him on ANY level. I know that's not easy, but honestly, I think you need some distance here so that you can truly evaluate the situation, your part in it, and where you WANT/NEED to be in this whole triangle.

 

Some people are perfectly happy with an arrangement like what you have right now. You do not seem to be happy with it. So, it's probably not going to work for you. I would evaluate that, and try to go from there.

 

I hope it works out, and I'm sorry he has trampled on you so much already. But I do know how it is to be so attracted to someone that the trampling damn near feels good.

[Mount]

Miss_Maida, I have similar situation as yours but of course in different background, different age range of MM (much elder). But the feeling you described below is that something I can relate so well.

 

I have tried to get away or cut A off a few times but I failed....It might not a pretty road ahead, so ending sooner is better,but then it all depends how strong we are.

 

I don't even know how to begin this. I'm a single student in grad school, and I work at a store with about 12 other staff. I started working there when I began college and fit in very well at work and I consider it my second home. Of course, there is more to it than that.

 

 

I know he is going to stay with his fiancé, and I know I have to get over it. I can't quit my job because it's paying for my tuition (okay I could get another job but I can't tear myself away).I know I need to end the physical affair but obviously being in love with him I want to hold onto that so badly. Partly because the sex is fantastic, but also because each time it happens it shows he still wants me. How do I get away from this? I can't cut him out completely.. he is one of my best friends and is such an important part of my life. But if I don't, I will never lose this ridiculously strong love I feel for him.

[veryhappy]

Step 1: find another job.

 

Step 2: tell his fiance.

 

Step 3: don't look back. You are so young, there's no reason to stay.

[whichwayisup]

One day when we had planned to have sex after work as usual, he had his coat on and just acted like we never planned anything and left. He also stopped texting me and talking to me outside of work without any explanation. Obviously I was extremely upset, for a lack of an explanation, because I was in love with him, but mostly because above all we were friends and I didn't deserve that. I was afraid to confront him though so it went on like that for months. In that time I found out that he had played the same game with another girl I know (and God knows how many others) and I realized I was nothing to him and he was just a liar and a cheater and a player. That fuelled another few months of sadness and hate and anger. At work I was professional but distant and subtly resentful. I longed to be indifferent but I knew the "hate" I felt for him was just an indication of how much I still cared.

 

Let me ask you..If a single guy treated you like he has, would you still 'want' that single guy and date him again? Knowing what you know now?

 

And, now that you know he's a liar, a cheat, fooled around with other women other than you, and engaged to be married, why are you letting this go on? He isn't going to end his engagement. And, he's still going to mess around with OW other than you. What are you getting out of this?

 

This man is not husband material. Nor is he boyfriend material. Figure out why you keep putting yourself in this situation. He is going to hurt you again and again until you gather the strength to start looking for another job (Don't leave until you do find another one) and end it with him.

[livelaughlove59]

WOW!!

 

When i was reading this, I almost freaked out because I feel like we are seeing the same dam married man.

 

I can relate to you 100% like almost 1000% percent and if you go to my forum you can read my situation.

 

I myself work together with my lover, and yeah the advice i keeep getting is get another job to avoid him but just the thought of not seeing him or hearing his laugh or dumb jokes KILLS ME. I honestly cannot imagine not seeing him everyday. I also got into the situation KNOWING i was the other woman and understanding the situation. He warned me what i was getting into and i still stayed so I am just as guiltly. Now i am in love with him after 4 years and a baby is on the way from his wife and im finally coming to reality that he will never be mine and as much as it hurts I HAVE TO MOVE ON. I dont want to , I HAVE TO!

 

people say oh its not love, its lust, no i know i love him..but i do also know i love myself more and i deserve to be someones one and only not someones "other'.. maybe we can help eachother get through it since we have similar situations. I could use someone who can relate to me instead of talk me down.

[underwater2010]

I want to say how sorry I am that you feel for taken man. It is time for you to move on though. He is staying with his fiance and he has made that perfectly clear. There are plenty of job on or near the university. Hell you can even take on multiple jobs if you need the money that bad.

 

Just a month earlier, my best friend was cheated on by her significant other and I was outraged. I was never an advocate of cheating in any way, however it turns out that when you're the other woman or man, your views change.

 

No your values did not change, you just refused to apply the same standards to your new relationship. Now that you are coming out of the fog you can see that it was the exact same as what was done to your friend.

 

I didn't really think of myself as guilty. His fiancé hardly ever came into the store. When she did, they never kissed or even touched and when they talked on the phone he never said he loved her. He also never spoke about her.

 

I guess because you did not hear about her that much, she did not exist. I am sure he said I love you to her just not in front of you, like he would not say he liked you in front of her.

 

And so the affair continued a while, usually at work (we often closed together). However after the first time, we never kissed or did anything intimate, we just got to the good stuff right away.

 

You mean he was simply using you for sex. Kissing indicates intimancy.

 

One day when we had planned to have sex after work as usual, he had his coat on and just acted like we never planned anything and left. He also stopped texting me and talking to me outside of work without any explanation. Obviously I was extremely upset, for a lack of an explanation, because I was in love with him, but mostly because above all we were friends and I didn't deserve that.

 

I would wager money that he got busted in some way or form. No so much that he had sex with you, but that you guys were talking way too much. And I hate to tell you, but you got exactly what you deserved. He made no commitment to you.

 

I was afraid to confront him though so it went on like that for months. In that time I found out that he had played the same game with another girl I know (and God knows how many others) and I realized I was nothing to him and he was just a liar and a cheater and a player. That fuelled another few months of sadness and hate and anger. At work I was professional but distant and subtly resentful. I longed to be indifferent but I knew the "hate" I felt for him was just an indication of how much I still cared.

 

I am sorry that you could not hold on to the truth when he came back for seconds.

 

Finally, about 5 months after he walked away we began talking here and there, making small talk. One thing about him is that he makes me laugh more than anyone I have ever met and he does it with such ease. I wanted to stay mad at him but the truth is I inherently enjoy his company and it was more work to be angry with him than to just give in. (My mother would be very disappointed with my lack of self-esteem and would say I should have stood up for myself.. I partly agree but I just couldn't escape from him.) Eventually after a few weeks of small talk, we began to talk about what had happened between us and why we stopped talking. He said he realized that I deserved more than what he could give and I was "too smart and too beautiful" for that and he backed off. He apologized and said that he wanted to be friends again. However there was one catch - he had still been fantasizing me about me that whole time and thought of having sex with me every day. I told him hell would freeze over before we were doing that again (I knew I was lying to both of us but I wanted to at least attempt to keep a shred of my dignity. Truthfully I was quite smug that he wanted to re-start the affair and that it was him that came crawling back to me and I was at least going to make him work for it). However, he said he knew I wouldn't consider that and he was just trying to be honest with me. He said being my friend, helping me through hard times and making me laugh meant more to him than anything physical ever could.

 

He sounds smooth to me....not. I want to be friends, but I cannot believe the way we screwed.

 

Inevitably our affair began again, despite him buying a house with his fiancé and setting a wedding date with her (I wondered when it was going to stop but I realized he would probably continue this behaviour after they got married). It has been going on for four months now, and he shows no signs of slowing down. Although he still thinks I deserve more, he doesn't feel bad because I had a chance to reject his invitation and instead I accepted it, and I chose to start things again - I wasn't lured or sucked into anything like the first time.

 

Sorry to tell you that you were not lured or sucked in the first time. You both were in relationships and decided to screw around with each other. If it was as easy as a guy making you laugh to get you wet, then men would have no problem getting laid. You don't deserve more, you are getting exactly what you wanted.

 

Sadly, I am unquestionably in love with him. When he laughs really hard, he smiles really wide (perfect smile) and his eyes squint and I try to act like I'm laughing at the joke too but really the world fades away and all I feel is him. I keep wondering when I'm going to meet someone but it's difficult when I compare everyone to him and no one measures up. The saddest thing is knowing what he did to me and whatever other girls he did that to.. yet knowing I still love him.

 

A smile is not what love is built around. Neither is a laugh or squint. And you will never meet someone if you do not move on from him. He did nothing to you that you did not willing partake in. Please do not make yourself out to be a victim. Put your big girl panties on and realize that you accepted his advances not just once but twice. You went to him willingly. That is the only way you will get over this.

 

I know truthfully he does care for me and we are close friends and we do have a connection (I'm not just a physical escape), but its not romantic and he has no intentions of ever making it that way.

 

He cares for you like he does his right hand. You are not close friends, you are friends with benefits. Think back to those five months that he did not talk with you. If you were "close friends" he would have told you why he could not continue. Hell, even the woman that my husband had an affair with knew that he got caught and chose me.

 

Unfortunately I feel such a powerful connection, like we were put on this planet to be together and I can't help but wonder if he ever feels that.

 

If that was the case he would be marrying you and not her.

 

I know he is going to stay with his fiancé, and I know I have to get over it. I can't quit my job because it's paying for my tuition (okay I could get another job but I can't tear myself away). I know I need to end the physical affair but obviously being in love with him I want to hold onto that so badly. Partly because the sex is fantastic, but also because each time it happens it shows he still wants me.

 

No it just means that he is getting his rocks off with someone other than his fiance. He enjoys his right hand also.

 

How do I get away from this? I can't cut him out completely.. he is one of my best friends and is such an important part of my life.

 

I am sorry, but I do not screw my "best friend". Oh wait, yes I do, he is my husband. And how important a part of your life is he? Does he pay for your schooling? Is he your manager? Did he buy a house or apartment for you? Does he make your car payment? Do you have kids together? Has he met your parents?

 

But if I don't, I will never lose this ridiculously strong love I feel for him.

 

And now you get it. Move on. There are much better men out there for you. Why would you sell yourself short? Tell him to screw off, then tell his fiance. She deserves to know what she is marrying. Then finish your education and marry a great man.