Loneliness and Rebounds

[steveblack]

Just wanted to get some feedback regarding this issue.

 

Its been about 3 months since my BU and I started seeing someone. I have been completely honest with her regarding where I am (in my head). I am not ready for anything serious, but I want to still see her. She definitely wants something more serious (maybe not now) but if things progress with us in a positive direction. So far its been ok, but my mind is not ready for anything serious nor even thinking in that light at all. I got to figure my own **** out before I go into something else.

 

 

I am concerned that I am leading her on (even though I have said a couple of times where I stand) and we that we are both using each other because of loneliness (she also just got out of a relationship). She has presented some red flags, but since we are not serious, why should I care about the red flags?

 

 

When I am with her its fun, but I feel like I am half there and the other half is jumbled up...

[Regrets58]

Hi steve am in a similar situation.

Been seeing someone for 4 months,ex ended things in January.

However due to friendship/false hope with ex,never started to let

her go until end of May.

Still working on that now and am getting there.

My new lady is well aware of the situation and is cautious of getting

too close.

We are both mature(54)and have been very,very honest with each

other.We are good together,have a lot of fun and there is a possibility

of something long term.

Been reading the recent posts on unavailable men,am sure my"unavailability"

is temporary and close to ending.

Depends how attached you are to your ex I suppose.

[Xestenz]

As long as you fully communicate and are honest with the new person, then it is IMO the responsibility of that person to decide if this is a situation in which they want to get deeper.

[Ebony123]

I've been on the opposite end of this, and let me just explain that you telling her you're not ready for anything serious does not stop her from developing feelings for you. If she's over her ex, and is fully emotionally present and available while she's with you, her feelings are just going to keep growing. And I know you'll think "well I have made it pretty clear where we stand" but a lot of women have the tendency to think that they can change a man's mind. They want to be the exception, the one that makes him fall in love and change.

 

Now, it all depends on the girl. If you can clearly tell that she is getting more into this than you, then it's only fair to end it. If, like you say, you BOTH really are 'using each other' then there's no issue.

But clearly if you're posting here about it, then you're having some doubts?

[steveblack]

I've been on the opposite end of this, and let me just explain that you telling her you're not ready for anything serious does not stop her from developing feelings for you. If she's over her ex, and is fully emotionally present and available while she's with you, her feelings are just going to keep growing. And I know you'll think "well I have made it pretty clear where we stand" but a lot of women have the tendency to think that they can change a man's mind. They want to be the exception, the one that makes him fall in love and change.

 

Now, it all depends on the girl. If you can clearly tell that she is getting more into this than you, then it's only fair to end it. If, like you say, you BOTH really are 'using each other' then there's no issue.

But clearly if you're posting here about it, then you're having some doubts?

 

Ebony,

 

Thanks for the advice. I really do think she is a cool girl, but I don't want to mislead her at all. I am lonely, but I don't want to be a scumbag. I will talk to her one last time to really see what is going on.

 

Everybody is telling me to be selfish and if it makes you feel good, do it.

[KatZee]

Everybody is telling me to be selfish and if it makes you feel good, do it.

 

Yes, sometimes it's good to be selfish and to take care of yourself, but not by putting someone else at risk.

 

Sometimes girls are... dense.

 

She may be saying one thing, "Yes I'm totally aware of where you're at and want nothing more!"

 

But a few months or so down the line will start to catch feelings and will want something serious.

 

I think she needs to be made VERY well aware that what you guys have going on right now will never lead to anything. I think that needs to be drilled in beyond any shadow of a doubt.

 

If she responds with something like, "well what if in a few months...." then end it, because she's clearly trying to see if you'll change your mind.

[Mike_d]

same boat here, same age as regrets58 too. same conversation, same desire not to be a dickhead and hurt someone else. great girl, totally meets rule #1 - must be into Mike. lol, to a fault almost. but I can only do small doses so far. I still feel just so dead inside, there just isn't anything there, yet I know that there is supposed to be something. We have fun together, she's gorgeous, smart, witty, great personality, and more than willing. Truthfully I'd almost be better without the intimacy, not that there is anything wrong in that department, but it's more her desire than mine at the moment. I think I'm following the 'fake it till you make it' line of reasoning. At some point it will turn on for me, just no idea when. We had an awesome weekend together in San Francisco partying up in North Beach till late into the am, but something in me just isn't right. I thinking I'm going to put my concerns about her getting too attached on the table tonight over dinner, awkward, but needs to be done. And some of my female friends also point out the "girls can be dense" "the more you push away the more she'll try to fix". I have no idea what I want out of the relationship long term, I'm just enjoying today while trying to be really honest about where I'm at. So saying anything about "a few months" just isn't anything I can get my head around.

 

Was going to come here and post the same issue, so I'll just hang up and take my answer over the air (lol)

[k100danny]

I also think you should be quite careful here, You have expressed where you are in your mind and that is a good thing BUT, If your actions show something different this could give mixed signals or lead her to think you are coming around to the idea and it could develop.

 

I myself only a month ago found myself in a similar situation, I had told her i wasn't ready for anything and that i enjoyed spending time with her, found her attractive ect but I just wasn't in a place to give those kind of things to someone and i think she got a bit attachedm i thought because i had been honest i wouldn't feel guilty but i did, I realised that although i was saying those things we were being quite close and stuff and that could have led her to think it could develop when in reality for me it never could have.

[Jamesblame]

I say if you want a rebound then its time to end this relationship and move on to the next not serious relationship.

 

The reason is that you've been with this girl for 4 months which is about the time people develop real feelings. You're not doing her or yourself any favors by staying.

 

Either a.) You break it off/sleep with someone else and she's crushed or

b.) You commit to her before youre ready for it, and then you resent her.

 

I left a 3 year relationship, was sad, and then did a brief 2 month rebound. And in that short period I was really not feeling the relationship. I broke it off because there was no point in continuing the comfort of the relationship when I didn't really want to commit to her.

 

The rebound worked, but I kept it as that.

[steveblack]

We decided to be just friends (I decided). I told her that there is too much stuff going on in both of our lives and we have to figure that out first. I was over her house last night and slept of the couch. I feel good that I did that.

 

THanks for the advice