Our first real fight, and the cause was my friend's girlfriend

[IcedEarth]

My friend(best friend I guess) has dated this girl on and off for 6 or so years and they have a kid together. They are total opposites, and she is obnoxious. He's almost 30 and she's 23 with a high pitched/valley girl voice with intense vocal fry (google it if you've never heard it, it's bad) and a severe anger issue. She's generally always extremely mean to my friend "You're an idiot!" "Why are you so stupid?" "SHUT UP DUMBASS" etc. and usually in public too, it's bad. We talk about how bad she is when she's not around, and when they've broken up it's been a huge relief.

 

Well now they live together with their child and we can't escape her. Today we 4 went hiking and she started on my friend right away. I should note that she's physically violent too, and he's a police officer and she's not much of a threat, but she does hit him. So after hiking we go get food, and the fight happens. I'm reposting most of it from the venting thread so if I've repeated myself I apologize.

 

His girlfriend started on ME today which she usually never does, which caused me to lash out and grab a menu from my girlfriend to shut her up (she was arguing with me over something I was correct about) and causing me and my girlfriend to get mad at each other for what I did. I was wrong and was angry, but I shouldn't have taken it out on my girlfriend.

 

Mind you me and my girlfriend never, ever get mad at each other. Even when we're annoyed/frustrated it goes away quickly and we apologize.

 

This time I apologized for grabbing it so rudely and saying what I did ("Give me the f-ing menu") and got my girlfriend and my friend's girlfriend teaming up on me. Telling me my apology didn't mean anything, I'm a jerk, she should've hit me for that, etc.

 

My girlfriend would never agree with that, but she did because this see-you-next-tuesday said it and they were ganging up on me.

 

I told my girlfriend when we got in the car that I'm mad at her for the first time, and if she had another way home I would have left her there. I had genuinely apologized and felt bad for what I did, which was spurred on my my friend's girlfriend, and then when I do apologize, they both gang up on me? So she sided with the person that caused it in the first place.

 

I'm still not really okay with it, and in two years it's never happened. I know that might seem "bad" like we're just hiding our feelings, but we never do. We are as honest and open as can be and if I'm mad at her or upset or vice versa we say it.

[Balzac]

So let me get this straight, you're not OK with your behavior?

OR you're not OK w the current resolution w your GF?

 

Trying to understand, I'm slow to the catch on.

[IcedEarth]

So let me get this straight, you're not OK with your behavior?

OR you're not OK w the current resolution w your GF?

 

Trying to understand, I'm slow to the catch on.

 

I apologized, not OK with my behavior but the statement at the end is about what we did and the fight in general.

[Balzac]

Got it. So how are you with invalidating of your apology for your "menu snatch"?

 

As for the rest of the argument/acting out, dude, we all fall short of acceptable behavior on occasion. Are you beating yourself up because you allowed the other woman to get under your skin, fray your last nerve?

[IcedEarth]

Got it. So how are you with invalidating of your apology for your "menu snatch"?

 

As for the rest of the argument/acting out, dude, we all fall short of acceptable behavior on occasion. Are you beating yourself up because you allowed the other woman to get under your skin, fray your last nerve?

 

I'm upset that my normally level headed girlfriend decided to gang up with that loud mouthed b*tch and attack me.

 

I get angry more than I should, especially when driving, so pissing me off doesn't take a lot. I never get mad at my girlfriend though so being prodded to that point, yeah that takes a lot and upsets me.

[Els]

I find it curious that you expect an apology to immediately negate what you did and that your gf should be perfectly A-okay with everything after you apologized. What you did to her was a HUGE deal. Grabbing the menu from her and saying, "Give me the fscking menu", when SHE had done nothing to provoke you? It's good that you admitted you were wrong, but apologies don't just magically wipe away the hurt of something you did. Your gf's reaction was immature, but so is your expectation of your actions not having any consequences once you decided to apologize, TBH.

 

My suggestion: Let this spat with your gf go. You acted childishly, she acted childishly, hopefully both of you will grow up soon. And stop hanging out with your friend's gf if she is genuinely physically violent and abusive to you. I don't understand why they are just 'living together because they have a child but are broken up', but the 4 of you are going hiking together? Is she still your friend's gf or not? If she isn't, you can very well hang out with your friend without her. Voila, problem solved.

[IcedEarth]

I find it curious that you expect an apology to immediately negate what you did and that your gf should be perfectly A-okay with everything after you apologized. What you did to her was a HUGE deal. Grabbing the menu from her and saying, "Give me the fscking menu", when SHE had done nothing to provoke you? It's good that you admitted you were wrong, but apologies don't just magically wipe away the hurt of something you did. Your gf's reaction was immature, but so is your expectation of your actions not having any consequences once you decided to apologize, TBH.

 

My suggestion: Let this spat with your gf go. You acted childishly, she acted childishly, hopefully both of you will grow up soon. And stop hanging out with your friend's gf if she is genuinely physically violent and abusive to you. I don't understand why they are just 'living together because they have a child but are broken up', but the 4 of you are going hiking together? Is she still your friend's gf or not? If she isn't, you can very well hang out with your friend without her. Voila, problem solved.

 

I don't understand what you're saying, at all with the bolded. You truly don't get it, it's that she teamed up with the person who caused the issue in the first place, who by the way kept saying "I would punch him in the face right now if he did that to me" WHILE she's punching her boyfriend who's done nothing.

 

I don't expect no punishments, she could be mad at me for what I did and that's fine. It's what, and how she did it that was the problem and that was ganging up with the b*tch across the table.

 

Statements like the underlined are why I regret relationship questions here, you didn't read what I said, at all. She's not violent towards me, she's violent towards HIM.

 

To the italics, yes...they are dating. It's on and off but they've been together for a while. Now that they live together, they are never apart and her high pitched verbal abuse towards HIM comes with hanging out with him every time.

 

As for "Growing up" you weren't there so save your judgments for yourself, it's literally the first time we've ever had a serious fight and by comparison, it's barely a fight. I've had actual fights with exes and this was nothing by comparison.

[Got it]

Okay, so in the scheme of things why is this such a big deal? You were a jerk to her, she retaliated by being a jerk to you, and you both come off needing to apologize to each other.

 

Just because you apologized does not negate that you killed the proverbial dog because you being upset with someone else. You didn't need to fight with your friend's girlfriend. You could have disengaged, told her you weren't interested in continuing the dialogue, left, etc.

 

Life is about compromising. Why not be the bigger person, sit down with your girlfriend and go over the events again explaining why being teamed up against bothered you so much. Discuss it, don't argue about it and you will see that this is actually a great opportunity to learn more about each other and to deepen your relationship.

 

Conflict resolution skills are learned. This is an opportunity for you guys to work on them.

[IcedEarth]

Okay, so in the scheme of things why is this such a big deal? You were a jerk to her, she retaliated by being a jerk to you, and you both come off needing to apologize to each other.

 

Just because you apologized does not negate that you killed the proverbial dog because you being upset with someone else. You didn't need to fight with your friend's girlfriend. You could have disengaged, told her you weren't interested in continuing the dialogue, left, etc.

 

Life is about compromising. Why not be the bigger person, sit down with your girlfriend and go over the events again explaining why being teamed up against bothered you so much. Discuss it, don't argue about it and you will see that this is actually a great opportunity to learn more about each other and to deepen your relationship.

 

Conflict resolution skills are learned. This is an opportunity for you guys to work on them.

 

Hindsight is 20/20 and when someone is being extra obnoxious and it's brand new, it's hard to say "This has happened before, I should back off".

 

I'm upset that it happened and it never, ever does. Ever.

[Els]

I don't understand what you're saying, at all with the bolded. You truly don't get it, it's that she teamed up with the person who caused the issue in the first place, who by the way kept saying "I would punch him in the face right now if he did that to me" WHILE she's punching her boyfriend who's done nothing.

 

I absolutely do get it. Your actions to her were completely out of line, and her response was also completely out of line. Not even gonna talk about your friend's gf here, who is a complete and total psycho.

 

I don't expect no punishments, she could be mad at me for what I did and that's fine. It's what, and how she did it that was the problem and that was ganging up with the b*tch across the table.

 

Unfortunately you don't get to choose how people express their 'mad'ness. Why do you keep harping on about how she responded inappropriately when YOU acted inappropriately to begin with? As you said, people do crappy things when they are mad. BOTH of you did inappropriate things when you were mad on that day. The major difference is that yours was completely unprovoked by HER and hers was actually provoked by you.

 

Statements like the underlined are why I regret relationship questions here, you didn't read what I said, at all. She's not violent towards me, she's violent towards HIM.

 

I consider threats and suggestions of beating someone up to be physically violent.

 

To the italics, yes...they are dating. It's on and off but they've been together for a while. Now that they live together, they are never apart and her high pitched verbal abuse towards HIM comes with hanging out with him every time.

 

So tell your friend that you are not going to put up with the sort of treatment that his 'gf/ex/whatever' showed you the last time you hung out, and that if he wants to hang out with you, he will arrange some time without her.

 

As for "Growing up" you weren't there so save your judgments for yourself, it's literally the first time we've ever had a serious fight and by comparison, it's barely a fight. I've had actual fights with exes and this was nothing by comparison.

 

To be honest, it's not so much the fight as the way you rehash it here that gives me the impression of immaturity. If I'm wrong in this, I apologize, but regardless my advice stands: FORGET ABOUT THIS. You did a much worse wrong to her than vice versa, IMO, and you're lucky that SHE isn't the one who is still angry about it.

[Emilia]

I'd say OP that your girlfriend probably felt embarrassed by the whole thing and felt just as uncomfortable as you with that psycho around. She probably didn't know how to stand up to her or was taken aback by that other woman's anger. She has also never ganged up on you before so it was a new and unexpected experience for her.

 

I'm not taking her side, I'm older so it isn't something I would do but handing and extremely angry and violent person is difficult and intimidating.

 

I suggest you lay off spending time with your friend until he gets rid of this girlfriend.

[Emilia]

To be honest, it's not so much the fight as the way you rehash it here that gives me the impression of immaturity. If I'm wrong in this, I apologize, but regardless my advice stands: FORGET ABOUT THIS. You did a much worse wrong to her than vice versa, IMO, and you're lucky that SHE isn't the one who is still angry about it.

 

No the OP's point if very valid. Being ganged up on makes most people feel powerless because they can't sort out their disagreement in an amicable way especially when their apology is dismissed by a third party. This is what happened to the OP.

 

His girlfriend was just as agitated and she handled the situation wrong. Clearly she must have been intimidated by the psycho, that's when a lot of women tend to go along with a situation like this.

 

OP my advice is to stay away from your friend until he sorts his relationship out

[Els]

No the OP's point if very valid. Being ganged up on makes most people feel powerless because they can't sort out their disagreement in an amicable way especially when their apology is dismissed by a third party. This is what happened to the OP.

 

His girlfriend was just as agitated and she handled the situation wrong. Clearly she must have been intimidated by the psycho, that's when a lot of women tend to go along with a situation like this.

 

OP my advice is to stay away from your friend until he sorts his relationship out

 

I have not said that his gf handled the situation correctly, nor have I said that the OP's unhappiness at her response was invalid. I am simply pointing out to him that she erred in the same way as he did, so if he wants her to forgive him for what he did (as she presumably did), he needs to forgive her and move on as well. As Got It says, this is really not a big deal in the grand scheme of things.

 

He should absolutely stay away from his friend if his friend refuses to see him without the gf tagging along.

[Got it]

Hindsight is 20/20 and when someone is being extra obnoxious and it's brand new, it's hard to say "This has happened before, I should back off".

 

I'm upset that it happened and it never, ever does. Ever.

 

Fighting happens. I would stop focusing on how you never fight and instead focus on how you guys want to handle them. Not fighting is not necessarily healthy. Conflict happens as two people navigate daily life together and how you handle it is a life long process. This is your foundation to a lot of your relationship and so I would focus on how you want to do it going forward.

 

Talk to your girlfriend, recap the events and together discuss want you need from each other in a disagreement. Doesn't mean you will be perfect but you will have a better game plan for the future.

[Emilia]

OK I think people are muddling things up here. I think the OP appreciates that he has a level headed girlfriend and that they are able to sort out disagreements amicably. Am I correct so far OP?

 

He is disturbed that she behaved in a way that was so out of character and that she showed lack of loyalty. It's completely understandable. Ganging up on your loved one is a much bigger deal than snatching the menu out of someone's hand.

 

Clearly emotions ran high, the OP doesn't have drama in his relationship usually and he doesn't like it. He has to understand - which I'm sure he does by now - that his girlfriend was disturbed by the whole thing and made a mistake. It's often the non-emotional people that over react.

[IcedEarth]

OK I think people are muddling things up here. I think the OP appreciates that he has a level headed girlfriend and that they are able to sort out disagreements amicably. Am I correct so far OP?

 

He is disturbed that she behaved in a way that was so out of character and that she showed lack of loyalty. It's completely understandable. Ganging up on your loved one is a much bigger deal than snatching the menu out of someone's hand.

 

Clearly emotions ran high, the OP doesn't have drama in his relationship usually and he doesn't like it. He has to understand - which I'm sure he does by now - that his girlfriend was disturbed by the whole thing and made a mistake. It's often the non-emotional people that over react.

 

Yeah you've got it. I was upset at how we BOTH behaved, which never happens for either way.

 

I took it out on her because I couldn't handle the friend's gf's yapping, and then she ganged up on me because the friend's gf did! So essentially she was the catalyst.

 

Yes, we shouldn't have fallen into that but it never happens, that's the point.

 

We've worked it out now, I was just really bothered by it for a couple days.

[Els]

Yeah you've got it. I was upset at how we BOTH behaved, which never happens for either way.

 

I took it out on her because I couldn't handle the friend's gf's yapping, and then she ganged up on me because the friend's gf did! So essentially she was the catalyst.

 

Yes, we shouldn't have fallen into that but it never happens, that's the point.

 

We've worked it out now, I was just really bothered by it for a couple days.

 

Glad to see you worked it out. It's okay to make mistakes, to be honest. It will always, always happen - I don't think there has ever been a LTR in history in which no big fights have ever occurred. The important part is each person accepting their own mistakes and being able to move forward together from there. Which you both seemed to be able to do. Just focus less on it 'never happening' and more on 'what can we learn from this', and you should be set.

 

I still really think a very important lesson you can learn from this should be to avoid your friend's gf.

[Els]

Ganging up on your loved one is a much bigger deal than snatching the menu out of someone's hand.

 

This is completely subjective, and we will have to agree to disagree on this. There is no one correct perception on which is 'worse'. To ME, and perhaps to others such as the OP's gf, rounding on your partner for something someone else did while they were completely innocent is worse than retaliating for something your partner himself did. Other opinions will differ. The point is that we cannot use our own estimates for the degree of severity of what we did and expect that others will only react within certain parameters based on that.