sally1530 Posted July 23, 2004 Posted July 23, 2004 My ex fiance of 12 weeks now has said hes moving on and no longer seeks or wants a relationship with me. Its like we cant even be friends or even check to see how each other is doing, it really hurts that he hates me that much and wants to move on so quickly. I found out he a profile and ad up seeking sex with women a month before the wedding. I found out he was wanting naked pictures of them and was looking on live porn. He said he was having doubts about us... He said he didnt cross the emotional or pysical line with these gals...well I found out he was on this site paying for it for our entire 14 month relationship. Why would he propose after 10 months and then have doubts? Commitment Phobia/ Sexual addiction? Not sure. Did I over react? I feel total guilt for looking in his email , I didnt thing he was cheating , I just wanted to see what was going on with the bacholor party invite thats was all , and all I saw was 3 seperate emails to girls. I forgave him and 3 days later he cancelled the wedding from underneath me, I was the last to know and was asked to move out the next day. But the fact that he hates me for this... I dont understand, maybe its because I made him pay $15,000 for the wedding? He said when he cancelled the wedding that he would pay for the costs. I gave him back his $3000.00 ring... I guess that wasnt enough... He wanted a spreadsheet of all costs down to dollars and cnets because he gave me a $11,000 check to pay off the vendors. I never gave him the speadsheet thinking he might want me to pay half...I also sent some not so nice emails to him about 4 or 5 that were not true, like I met someone else (hoping that he would see me as desirable to other men, be jealous and want me back) and some other mean things because he wouldnt see or talk to me on the phone and let it to emails... I felt so hurt, rejected, stunned, and was not thinking clearly... I now really regret these emails and because of these he hates me and has given up on us. Its been 2 months since this happened should I send him a check with the balanace that I owe him and a appolgy letter, coming clean on how much I have been suffering these three months and that I was wrong to not trust him and invade his privacy? Would this do any good now... or is it too late. I still love him more than ever and feel bad how I handled finding out about his profile online and the breakup of our marriage... Ive never been so hurt by someone in my life, didnt know how to deal with the pain and inflicted it on him by holding back money owed and telling some lies.. which I regret. I just didnt want him to think I was this weak, broken, crying girls... waiting for his call. What should I do.. I think I might have distroyed my future with him... how can I correct this, or should I just move on.... maybe he didnt love me as much as I thought and thats why he cancelled the wedding. Please help with any advice... Im so confused, and its on my mind all the time... I need to make a decison on what to do about this soon.
She's Come Undone Posted July 23, 2004 Posted July 23, 2004 You so do not need this man in your life. He's bitter he was caught and is (sounds like successfully) trying to make you feel guilty. STOP feeling guilty, you did nothing wrong. I pity the woman who actually does marry this man. YECK!! And stop worrying about making a decision. He's already made up his mind, so no matter what your "decision" is, it won't matter to him. Move on, you deserve so much better!
EC Posted July 23, 2004 Posted July 23, 2004 Sweetheart do you hear yourself? He had a profile on-line looking for sex. He requested naked pictures and had sent e-mails to them. He said he had doubts about you guys..cancelled the wedding...kicked you out...told his whole family...you were the LAST to know! I mean c'mon. And know you feel guilty for finding what you did. You found out for a reason. I strongly believe that when things happen they happen for a reason. You may not understand it at the time or choose to not undertsand it but in the end it will become clear to you why it happened. You found out all the stuff right before you got married. Maybe you were'nt supposed to marry this guy! And then you feel guilty about finding out about all the bad s*it he was doing behind your back. Oh no girl! Wake-up. I think you should let this one go.
eskimokiss Posted July 23, 2004 Posted July 23, 2004 I am sorry that all this happened to you, it seems like it must be traumatic and very tough to deal with. But I must say that you definately were in the right. I know that you feel guilty for bring down the house sort of speak. However, I think that you may have saved yourself from inevitable misery in your near future. I think that this sexual behavior that he displays is not something that you understand or think is normal. Heck, at least that is what I believe. I think that he should have been more open in his fantasies with you, his furture mrs. That would have broadened your sexual relationship with one another as opposed to smiring it. Im of the opinion that the behavior of thinking that other women are sexually attractive, is normal. I think that you could handle knowing that, hell you know it yourself already and just because someone is in love with you, doesn't mean that they will turn off their triggers because they are involuntary. Being secretive though ia where he was wrong. Even though you most likely didn't ask and therefore he told you know lies, he wasn't forthcoming about himself to you. I mean who were you really going to marry, seems to me there is probably more that you don't know about him. I think that you need to stop wearing your heart on your sleeve. Sure it wasn't right to read his emails, but I think that the fact that you found something and he cancelled the wedding means that the financial responsibility. Ask yourself this, what if I hadn't have found anything in the inbox, would I have felt that it was wrong... probably not. He is trying to make you feel guilty because he did something. Let him pay... it is the least he can do after he wasted 14 months of your time that you could have spent living, learing and loving someone who doesn't lie about who they are!!!
Author sally1530 Posted July 23, 2004 Author Posted July 23, 2004 he really knows how to push my buttons.. even when hes not with me. My crime was that I snooped.. thats it.. I do feel very sorry for that. I cant help but think what if I wouldnt have found out about the internet stuff... would he have still gone through with the wedding? He said he was having doubts... and maybe after I forgave him for his wrong doing... he needed to use this as a way out of the wedding . period. These past 3 months have been toucher... in the 4 months of engagement and the 3 months after the cancellation of the wedding , he has made me doubt myself... made me think I was not enough, not sexy enough, not fun enough, not secure enough, not sexually willing to accept his wierd ways... I am a nice girl, honest and true, I thought I found the man of my dreams.. im 35 and now single. Im in therapy for this , and hopefully one day this wont hurt me anymore. He showed me my dreams, dangled them in front of me and then took them away suddenly. I never really got a true explanation of why he cancelled the wedding , other than we cant trust each other and that he has damaged me beyond repair, and that I cant accept him for who he is. Why cant I move on, im dating people, no one special... but im getting out there... but my heart aches every day for a future with him that will never come true... I just wish I never met him... hes caused me so much pain... there is no words for it. I never knew it could hurt this much after this long. How long will it take? to get over this? Why do I care what his family and friends and he thinks of me... he has made me out to be this money grubbin gal, and that im physco... Why should I care?
eskimokiss Posted July 23, 2004 Posted July 23, 2004 I think that women naturally (the good ones) want everyone to think of them fondly or in a nice way and we kill ourselves to be liked by all. You know what... that is mission impossible... all you have to like is you and the good people will magnetically attract to your outgoing attractivness. You have to realize that your dreams with this man... were not your dreams. You created an illusion and he is not the man you thought that he was. I mean did you in your dream want a man that would lie to you in this way, break off your wedding and leaving you feeling this way. Women have a tendency to give too much.The good women are even worse in this way…. I liken our hearts to bank accounts. You allow the man to be the ATM cardholder and yourself the machine. You allow them to withdraw until the account gets bone dry and they close the account. Meanwhile the cases happened so quickly that you never gained any interest on the money in there and actually end up in the negative. You have used all of this energy so that when you are alone, even a strong woman like yourself (because you are asking for help, I am assuming this to be true and I would bet my last dime it is) cannot get herself out of despair. You just want the pain to end right now. Knowing that you would never actually hurt yourself, but again because we are natural dreamers, we wish that we could sleep through it all or hop into the future to the next happy time in our lives. However, it is through our pain that we can appreciate pure bliss. You will get there. Perhaps you feel like 35 is old, but I don’t feel like it is at all. I would rather wait until I was 60 to marry Mr. Right and be happy and blissful until the day I die, then invest love and friendship into someone completely wrong, marry them, divorce them, have worse pain and longer recovery… all for nothing… Keep it… I will wait. You are beautiful and therapy will help you get rid of the pain that you have a definite right to feel. You know what, you may not be dating anyone interesting to you, but you have to kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince (I read that on here somewhere). You will find him, but in this down time you will follow a course of bettering yourself and avoiding this self-sacrifice in the future. What do you care if his family doesn’t like you? They are idiots to not want to think of you in a positive light. Just because you didn’t end up marrying their son, doesn’t mean they shouldn’t like you. If that is the case, you should consider yourself doubly happy that you didn’t end up there daughter, because who knows when their ‘love’ or ‘support’ would sh*t the bed! You are a real person, they are superficial, and that relationship wouldn’t have worked out either. I don’t pity you in anyway, I think that this is the best thing that could have happened not to you, but for you. You are taking the high road; you are smart, beautiful and introspective. Guess what you will end up happy with your dream man, only he will be a reality and not a man that lives only in your mind!
dudesomewhere Posted July 23, 2004 Posted July 23, 2004 When a guy is a slimeball...never ever let him make you feel less than who you are. Never make them feel you aren't sexy enough, not fun enough, and especially not secure enough. Because the fundamental thing they do is try to make you as insecure as possible so that you'll always doubt yourself and that gives them the upper hand. Give yourself some quiet time...forget the dating for now. Just realize...absorb that fact...that he was a slimeball. I think when you really realize that, you know that all those things he did or tried to do to make you think less of yourself all go away. I hate people who break someone's trust in them by being untrustworthy and then blaming them because there is no more trust. That's like some murderer killing someone and then blaming the dead person they killed for that dead person not being alive. That type of mentality sickens me. The only way for you to really move on is just to be by yourself. To give yourself it's own quiet time. You should care...but care about yourself, not him.
Author sally1530 Posted July 23, 2004 Author Posted July 23, 2004 Your both right, I dont want to marry someone who cant be faithful and who isnt 100% they want to marry me. Why should I settle? I guess I have to look at it that he did me the favor...and that I am now free to find Mr. Right. It is really shocking that he fooled me and all who know him... I thought I really knew him... but I guess you only know what someone is will to have you know about them... so in his case he was a lier and was not open with me. He said so many things "verbal abuse" that really made me question myself... and its no wonder why my esteem went down... Im a sucessful, smart, fun, loving, attractive, inshape woman. I have alot to offer to someone... I need to remember that im special and that no one can ever change my opinion of that. Its no wonder that at the age of 38, hes only had 3 one year relationships... and hes ended all of them... when he uses you and gets all that he wants he moves on. Selfish.... Dont you think?
Guest74 Posted July 23, 2004 Posted July 23, 2004 I think you're far too concerned about his feelings and not nearly concerned enough about yours. Do NOT give this a**h*** any money. Do NOT spend another moment feeling guilty. Think about it this way - would you let a man like this treat your daughter or another woman you care about like this? Would you want her to pine over someone who obviously doesn't give a crap about her? There are SO many better men out there. Don't you want one who will respect and want only you? Trust me, I have been there. No matter how bad they are, we are willing to put up with the crap, especially if we're insecure and needing something. Do yourself a favor and pick up one of these books: 10 Stupid Things Women Do to Mess Up Their Lives, or Why Men Love Bitches. I truly suggest the first one. Just go to your local Borders or Barnes & Noble, read the book, and then, if you see the point, buy it. Trust me, it will help you.
tiki Posted July 23, 2004 Posted July 23, 2004 Forget about him and start dating dudesomewhere. He'd be more sensitive to your needs.
beautiful Posted July 25, 2004 Posted July 25, 2004 Just remember this much; you are a very special person and you deserve the very best in life. No one can give you that , especially not a man. You have to give yourself what you need first and that is self respect and self love! Once you master that, believe me, you will never allow anyone, especially not a man, to jerk you around like this and degrade you in such a way. Don't ever let anyone do that to you! I walked away from the man I loved with all of my heart about 17 month ago. He to was "busy" online. One time I checked my email and he had forgotten to close down his yahoo im , here it pops up and he must have had at least 60 girls on there. Not one but 60! And I am not kidding you with that. Oh but it was "nothing" when I asked him. I had a 14 year old call me a bitch when I asked her who she was and why she was calling my bf "sweetie and babe". Oh yeah real nice:-) I walked away because I love myself and I have self respect. I will not allow anyone to treat me badly. It was the best move I ever made! I never looked back and thank God I did not. Follow your gut feelings on this one. Take care of yourself and know that in doing that, you are on the right way to being amuch better person without him. Don't give him such power over you. Love is a learned behavior, you can learn to fall out of love. Don;t give so much of yourself, always keep more for you! Good Luck and please follow you instict. You already know the answer ! God Bless(hug)
Author sally1530 Posted July 26, 2004 Author Posted July 26, 2004 Its nice to know I have support out there. I know I dont deserve to be treated in this manner... its very disrespectful , plus he lied over and over. He doesnt know the first thing about love, and he lost the best thing that ever came into his life, he even said to me before that I was the best person that he ever has dated and thats why he proposed... Im not giving him any money, hes lucky I gave him back the ring. I am moving on and am dating , but nothing serious yet... going to take my time and find the right person... I need to concentrate more on my needs and not so much the other persons... Its selfish, but maybe thats the way it needs to be in order for men to not take advantage of my kindness and loyality. I have learned alot from this mistake, and know that i never want to see him or talk or email him again. I just want to forget that I ever met him. When I do remember him, I will remember what pain he caused me and how to avoid people like that in the future. I know someday I will love again, I have alot to offer to someone who is willing to be honest and true. Thanks again for all your support, it has really helped me through the toughest time in my life. And its comforting to know that im not alone and that this kind of stuff happens to people each day and not just to me. \
Author sally1530 Posted July 26, 2004 Author Posted July 26, 2004 Hey your guy wasnt from Illinois was he? Just want to make sure were not talking about the same guy
dudesomewhere Posted July 26, 2004 Posted July 26, 2004 hehe jk This isn't some dating site...though some think it is I'm here to absorb all the info from the facets of human psychology and to also inquire as to my own hurdles and stumbles...and if I can, at the same time provide my own view and hope that some will like it. Just remember, I am sensitive because I'm a sissy and a wuss...and nobody wants that
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