I feel a complete 180... Wtf?

[AnotherRound]

This is seriously the weirdest thing that I have ever felt. I'm not sure where it's coming from, or why, or what prompted it for sure... but I woke up this morning, and have absolutely 0 desire to be with exMM in any way, shape, or form. Where the hell is that coming from? Let me try to explain... but I'm going to be VERY honest, so any BSs reading, know that your feelings may be hurt by what I'm going to say... that is NOT my intention, I just want to be completely honest here so that I can understand where these feelings are coming from.

 

So, I've been working crazy shifts... pulling doubles, and even triples at times. I have a job that is nothing but down time/putting out fires - constantly. It's one extreme, where I'm doing nothing, or the other, where I'm literally trying to prevent death. So, it's chaotic and stressful, and I'm actually taking a much needed break now bc I'm totally exhausted and spent. Anyway, in all that down time, I've been here, reading, discussing, and yes, thinking. When I'm on at work, I'm on 150%, bc I have to be... and that hasn't been affected. But I'm running on very little sleep, and when I'm off, in an effort to stay awake and alert, I've just been thinking and thinking.

 

When I come here, I'm reading, on all boards. I don't post on all of them, bc I don't want to insert myself and/or cause harm unintentionally. But I am reading everywhere. So, I was reading last night, during some down time, and it got me to thinking about exMM and his wife and this whole situation in a way I haven't thought of before.

 

BSs, here is where your feelings may be hurt... forewarned, I'm not trying to be mean, I'm just going to be VERY honest.

 

I was thinking about all of the things that I know about exMM's stbxw. And although I've never thought her a terrible person, I have always been a little (maybe a lot?) grossed out by her. What I know about her, from him (very personal stuff) and from our mutual friends - she is just kind of... for lack of better word, gross. I'm not saying she's a bad person, as most agree that she is very nice. But there are other things that are gross. For instance, that she always has bad breath. Okay, I know that some people can't help it, but that's gross to me, especially if it's someone I am trying to kiss. I can't help it, it just is. That she is not a very good kisser. Again, gross to me, that's just a personal pet peeve of mine. That she is very vain and has little else to offer than her looks (and she is nice), and that she is struggling so much with aging as she feels she is losing her looks (she is still a very attractive lady, but tries very hard with LOTS of makeup and hair treatments and such). All of this just seems very unappealing to me (there's more, but in an effort to not share too much personal info about her, I will keep it to myself, but some is hygiene related, and that REALLY grosses me out).

 

So, I know it doesn't matter how I feel about her, obvs. But I as I was thinking about it last night, I thought... if exMM is willing to be with someone like that, is he even someone that I would want to be with? As in, the fact that he finds that appealing at all, makes him completely unappealing. I have no idea where this is coming from, I've never really thought of it before. I just was thinking last night how different stbxw and I truly are, and trying to piece together why exMM would have any desire to be with someone that would gross me out, and what that says about exMM - and that perhaps he grosses me out too, simply bc he is willing to be intimately connected with someone like that?????

 

It's not just the stbxw, but the OW after me too. She is very much like the wife, only MUCH more vain. Also a very attractive lady, but for someone in her 50's, just to me, seems to reek of desperation. Fake breasts, LOTS of makeup, but very insecure. Dresses like she is 15, and just really not a lot to offer the world besides her looks. Again, very different from me, and not the type of people that I would choose to have in my life. (Not that I'm better, just different, and it's not my thing, as I value different things in life).

 

Here's the thing... I'm thinking, why would I want to be with any man that is attracted to that type of thing? I am a girl who NEVER wears makeup, I don't need it, never have... And honestly, don't see the point. I am told that I am very attractive, and that's great... but it's not my ticket to the world. My ticket, is not my large breasts, or my hourglass figure, or my blonde hair and blue eyes (all of that great, and I'm appreciative that I'm attractive, but I did NOTHING to achieve that, my looks were GIVEN to me by my mother)... but my intelligence, my wit, my humor, my empathy, my personality. That's what I rely on... not my looks. Not that my looks don't initially attract men, they often do, but if that's as far as a man can appreciate me, I lose interest very quickly.

 

And, they hygiene thing. I don't think the other OW was gross in hygiene ways, but I do think that about the stbxw. She is very unclean, according to my personal standards. That never bothered me before, but now? It is seriously grossing me out and making me feel unattracted to exMM by association.

 

What the hell is this? What am I feeling right now? Has anyone else felt this? Is this "normal"? Why is exMM losing his appeal? I mean, I'm okay if he loses his appeal, but it's weird to me, and why does it matter now? Is this because I've been out of the situation for a year and a half? Is this "falling out of love" with him?

 

I am literally sitting here feeling grossed out. Grossed out by stbxw, the new OW, and yes, even exMM. As in, I would avoid him if he tried to contact me. In that I feel like he is too weak, too pathetic, too whatever to even consider as a partner, ever.

 

And then, on top of that, I'm wondering, why now? Why not during the A? Why not while I was knee deep in that crap? Why didn't I see it then? And, how does it change so quickly? I feel like I've had an epiphany, but I'm not sure what it is??????

[Ladydrib]

Exactly. You're falling out of love!!! YAY! When we are in love with someone, we automatically look past things. We don't nit pick. We always see the glass as half "full". When we are not in love, we see all those other things that are unappealing. That's great news!! I can't wait to be there. I don't think it's far.

[veryhappy]

I suspect me hitting him in the head with your shoe might have scratched the shine...

 

We try so hard to believe these guys are a person they are not. We are loving and understanding and one day the moment comes when it's "hold on...I'm actually too good for you".

[AnotherRound]

Exactly. You're falling out of love!!! YAY! When we are in love with someone, we automatically look past things. We don't nit pick. We always see the glass as half "full". When we are not in love, we see all those other things that are unappealing. That's great news!! I can't wait to be there. I don't think it's far.

 

I think I am... out of love for him. Just... done. That is so freakin' weird, bc it was so fast. Like, flipping a switch. Like, a ton of bricks just hit me in the head. I think... dare I say it, HE grosses me out. ???? Like honestly, thinking about him right now makes me feel grossed out.

 

And, it's probably not even the stbxw or the OW... it's him, most likely. And the WHOLE stupid situation. The pathetic-ness of it all. That these people in their 50s are acting so... and I'm thinking... I don't want to be that girl (woman?) in her 50s acting that way, ever.

 

I am seriously flabbergasted right now. I have NEVER felt anything towards him except love. Not that I don't "love" him, or care about him, and I really do want him (and everyone) to be happy. But, I don't want to be in their sad mix. That's what I feel about them all... that they are sad, and foolish. Not a judgment - just honestly what I'm feeling. That they, and their situation, is ... pathetic.

[AnotherRound]

I suspect me hitting him in the head with your shoe might have scratched the shine...

 

We try so hard to believe these guys are a person they are not. We are loving and understanding and one day the moment comes when it's "hold on...I'm actually too good for you".

 

Well, I still don't think he is a "bad" guy... I just feel sad for him (and her and the other OW that came after me). It's like, I just woke up and realized, I really am too good for him - and that entire situation. I just don't want anything to do with a bunch of 50 year olds acting like... I dunno what.

 

This is so weird... thanks for hitting him with the shoe... lol.

[eleanorrigby]

I think it's some version of what MM do when they suddenly start to dislike everything about their wives. Do you think that might be possible?

[AnotherRound]

AnotherRound, it appears that you are finally seeing him for what he is, and you are finally realizing that you can do better.

 

I think that's it... I feel like I can do, and deserve, "better".

 

A man that makes love to a nasty woman is very unattractive. You were sharing bodily fluids with him, and he was making love to his wife during the affair.

 

There was very little body fluid sharing going on, promise. And yes, I think the fact that he would want to be intimate with her is what is making me feel like he is gross too.

 

And why is he with the wife if she is gross in appearance and hygiene? It seems like she would have had to have a sparkling personality to balance that out, but you say she was vain.

 

She is not gross looking. She is very attractive in the face, but she works VERY hard to be that way. I find that unappealing, but that's just my personal feelings on looks and such. The hygiene thing, I'm not sure... I guess he has been there so long that it doesn't seem gross to him? But, it seems gross to me. She is a nice person, and her personality is fine, just... nothing special. A very "plain" personality I guess, but yes, VERY vain.

 

So, it must be that your exMM is accustomed to shallowness and uncleanliness.

 

Ew. This may be it. Ew.

 

Some people were raised that way. My parents were/are nasty and slobs, but it grossed me out so much that I went in the opposite direction. The other thing is your exMM probably has low self-esteem issues.

 

And yes, this is true. He is also vain. I don't know why I didn't see it before, he absolutely is. Trying so hard to remain young, bc he relies so much on his looks. He does have other things to offer, but he doesn't rely on those... he relies on his looks. Ew again.

 

That may have been what drew him to his wife if she is as nasty as you say.

 

I'm not saying she is "nasty". I'm just saying, by my standards (OCD) it grosses me out. Maybe her level of hygiene is very normal, bc I know that my level of hygiene is excessive almost. Also, I have an AI, so I have to be really careful of germs, so I'm hypervigilant about them. Like, cleaning my bathroom daily. I know I'm not "normal" in this way, so I really try not to judge, but I'm not going to lie, she grosses me out. And now he does too, by association.

[todreaminblue]

This is seriously the weirdest thing that I have ever felt. I'm not sure where it's coming from, or why, or what prompted it for sure... but I woke up this morning, and have absolutely 0 desire to be with exMM in any way, shape, or form. Where the hell is that coming from? Let me try to explain... but I'm going to be VERY honest, so any BSs reading, know that your feelings may be hurt by what I'm going to say... that is NOT my intention, I just want to be completely honest here so that I can understand where these feelings are coming from.

 

So, I've been working crazy shifts... pulling doubles, and even triples at times. I have a job that is nothing but down time/putting out fires - constantly. It's one extreme, where I'm doing nothing, or the other, where I'm literally trying to prevent death. So, it's chaotic and stressful, and I'm actually taking a much needed break now bc I'm totally exhausted and spent. Anyway, in all that down time, I've been here, reading, discussing, and yes, thinking. When I'm on at work, I'm on 150%, bc I have to be... and that hasn't been affected. But I'm running on very little sleep, and when I'm off, in an effort to stay awake and alert, I've just been thinking and thinking.

 

When I come here, I'm reading, on all boards. I don't post on all of them, bc I don't want to insert myself and/or cause harm unintentionally. But I am reading everywhere. So, I was reading last night, during some down time, and it got me to thinking about exMM and his wife and this whole situation in a way I haven't thought of before.

 

BSs, here is where your feelings may be hurt... forewarned, I'm not trying to be mean, I'm just going to be VERY honest.

 

I was thinking about all of the things that I know about exMM's stbxw. And although I've never thought her a terrible person, I have always been a little (maybe a lot?) grossed out by her. What I know about her, from him (very personal stuff) and from our mutual friends - she is just kind of... for lack of better word, gross. I'm not saying she's a bad person, as most agree that she is very nice. But there are other things that are gross. For instance, that she always has bad breath. Okay, I know that some people can't help it, but that's gross to me, especially if it's someone I am trying to kiss. I can't help it, it just is. That she is not a very good kisser. Again, gross to me, that's just a personal pet peeve of mine. That she is very vain and has little else to offer than her looks (and she is nice), and that she is struggling so much with aging as she feels she is losing her looks (she is still a very attractive lady, but tries very hard with LOTS of makeup and hair treatments and such). All of this just seems very unappealing to me (there's more, but in an effort to not share too much personal info about her, I will keep it to myself, but some is hygiene related, and that REALLY grosses me out).

 

So, I know it doesn't matter how I feel about her, obvs. But I as I was thinking about it last night, I thought... if exMM is willing to be with someone like that, is he even someone that I would want to be with? As in, the fact that he finds that appealing at all, makes him completely unappealing. I have no idea where this is coming from, I've never really thought of it before. I just was thinking last night how different stbxw and I truly are, and trying to piece together why exMM would have any desire to be with someone that would gross me out, and what that says about exMM - and that perhaps he grosses me out too, simply bc he is willing to be intimately connected with someone like that?????

 

It's not just the stbxw, but the OW after me too. She is very much like the wife, only MUCH more vain. Also a very attractive lady, but for someone in her 50's, just to me, seems to reek of desperation. Fake breasts, LOTS of makeup, but very insecure. Dresses like she is 15, and just really not a lot to offer the world besides her looks. Again, very different from me, and not the type of people that I would choose to have in my life. (Not that I'm better, just different, and it's not my thing, as I value different things in life).

 

Here's the thing... I'm thinking, why would I want to be with any man that is attracted to that type of thing? I am a girl who NEVER wears makeup, I don't need it, never have... And honestly, don't see the point. I am told that I am very attractive, and that's great... but it's not my ticket to the world. My ticket, is not my large breasts, or my hourglass figure, or my blonde hair and blue eyes (all of that great, and I'm appreciative that I'm attractive, but I did NOTHING to achieve that, my looks were GIVEN to me by my mother)... but my intelligence, my wit, my humor, my empathy, my personality. That's what I rely on... not my looks. Not that my looks don't initially attract men, they often do, but if that's as far as a man can appreciate me, I lose interest very quickly.

 

And, they hygiene thing. I don't think the other OW was gross in hygiene ways, but I do think that about the stbxw. She is very unclean, according to my personal standards. That never bothered me before, but now? It is seriously grossing me out and making me feel unattracted to exMM by association.

 

What the hell is this? What am I feeling right now? Has anyone else felt this? Is this "normal"? Why is exMM losing his appeal? I mean, I'm okay if he loses his appeal, but it's weird to me, and why does it matter now? Is this because I've been out of the situation for a year and a half? Is this "falling out of love" with him?

 

I am literally sitting here feeling grossed out. Grossed out by stbxw, the new OW, and yes, even exMM. As in, I would avoid him if he tried to contact me. In that I feel like he is too weak, too pathetic, too whatever to even consider as a partner, ever.

 

And then, on top of that, I'm wondering, why now? Why not during the A? Why not while I was knee deep in that crap? Why didn't I see it then? And, how does it change so quickly? I feel like I've had an epiphany, but I'm not sure what it is??????

 

 

I agree with the posters who posted replies.I get grossed out too at the thought of body fluids being shared that grosses me out enough to want to think of something else.Affairs do damage.You are falling out o flove.I didnt have to gross myself out to fall ou tof love.I realised after many years that i just couldnt go back.....i hate going backwards for starters the sharing body fluids in my mouth thing helps though strengthen all resolve....i am retching now....new image.......needed here.........mmmm thats better......smilin...i am still friends with my ex in a sense...... i am single not with anyone and he actually is giving me dating advice......considering he has more than me at dating i am in serious confusion.....i cant fight with him and hate him ....i don't want to hate anyone...i have three girls to him but the idea of any sort of sexual relationship is out...that would be moving backwards..........deb

[Mount]

I think you might be on the rollercoaster of your emtion towards MM, it happens to me as well.

 

Myself in my late 30's, financially very comfortable (can not compare to Paris Hilton though), and MM and his wife are close to 60 soon. I am constantly not interested in some single guy I met because this or that reason. Somehow I don't know if it is a fog or else, I have tremendous feeling towards the elder MM.

 

 

 

This is seriously the weirdest thing that I have ever felt. I'm not sure where it's coming from, or why, or what prompted it for sure... but I woke up this morning, and have absolutely 0 desire to be with exMM in any way, shape, or form. Where the hell is that coming from? Let me try to explain... but I'm going to be VERY honest, so any BSs reading, know that your feelings may be hurt by what I'm going to say... that is NOT my intention, I just want to be completely honest here so that I can understand where these feelings are coming from.

 

So, I've been working crazy shifts... pulling doubles, and even triples at times. I have a job that is nothing but down time/putting out fires - constantly. It's one extreme, where I'm doing nothing, or the other, where I'm literally trying to prevent death. So, it's chaotic and stressful, and I'm actually taking a much needed break now bc I'm totally exhausted and spent. Anyway, in all that down time, I've been here, reading, discussing, and yes, thinking. When I'm on at work, I'm on 150%, bc I have to be... and that hasn't been affected. But I'm running on very little sleep, and when I'm off, in an effort to stay awake and alert, I've just been thinking and thinking.

 

When I come here, I'm reading, on all boards. I don't post on all of them, bc I don't want to insert myself and/or cause harm unintentionally. But I am reading everywhere. So, I was reading last night, during some down time, and it got me to thinking about exMM and his wife and this whole situation in a way I haven't thought of before.

 

BSs, here is where your feelings may be hurt... forewarned, I'm not trying to be mean, I'm just going to be VERY honest.

 

I was thinking about all of the things that I know about exMM's stbxw. And although I've never thought her a terrible person, I have always been a little (maybe a lot?) grossed out by her. What I know about her, from him (very personal stuff) and from our mutual friends - she is just kind of... for lack of better word, gross. I'm not saying she's a bad person, as most agree that she is very nice. But there are other things that are gross. For instance, that she always has bad breath. Okay, I know that some people can't help it, but that's gross to me, especially if it's someone I am trying to kiss. I can't help it, it just is. That she is not a very good kisser. Again, gross to me, that's just a personal pet peeve of mine. That she is very vain and has little else to offer than her looks (and she is nice), and that she is struggling so much with aging as she feels she is losing her looks (she is still a very attractive lady, but tries very hard with LOTS of makeup and hair treatments and such). All of this just seems very unappealing to me (there's more, but in an effort to not share too much personal info about her, I will keep it to myself, but some is hygiene related, and that REALLY grosses me out).

 

So, I know it doesn't matter how I feel about her, obvs. But I as I was thinking about it last night, I thought... if exMM is willing to be with someone like that, is he even someone that I would want to be with? As in, the fact that he finds that appealing at all, makes him completely unappealing. I have no idea where this is coming from, I've never really thought of it before. I just was thinking last night how different stbxw and I truly are, and trying to piece together why exMM would have any desire to be with someone that would gross me out, and what that says about exMM - and that perhaps he grosses me out too, simply bc he is willing to be intimately connected with someone like that?????

 

It's not just the stbxw, but the OW after me too. She is very much like the wife, only MUCH more vain. Also a very attractive lady, but for someone in her 50's, just to me, seems to reek of desperation. Fake breasts, LOTS of makeup, but very insecure. Dresses like she is 15, and just really not a lot to offer the world besides her looks. Again, very different from me, and not the type of people that I would choose to have in my life. (Not that I'm better, just different, and it's not my thing, as I value different things in life).

 

Here's the thing... I'm thinking, why would I want to be with any man that is attracted to that type of thing? I am a girl who NEVER wears makeup, I don't need it, never have... And honestly, don't see the point. I am told that I am very attractive, and that's great... but it's not my ticket to the world. My ticket, is not my large breasts, or my hourglass figure, or my blonde hair and blue eyes (all of that great, and I'm appreciative that I'm attractive, but I did NOTHING to achieve that, my looks were GIVEN to me by my mother)... but my intelligence, my wit, my humor, my empathy, my personality. That's what I rely on... not my looks. Not that my looks don't initially attract men, they often do, but if that's as far as a man can appreciate me, I lose interest very quickly.

 

And, they hygiene thing. I don't think the other OW was gross in hygiene ways, but I do think that about the stbxw. She is very unclean, according to my personal standards. That never bothered me before, but now? It is seriously grossing me out and making me feel unattracted to exMM by association.

 

What the hell is this? What am I feeling right now? Has anyone else felt this? Is this "normal"? Why is exMM losing his appeal? I mean, I'm okay if he loses his appeal, but it's weird to me, and why does it matter now? Is this because I've been out of the situation for a year and a half? Is this "falling out of love" with him?

 

I am literally sitting here feeling grossed out. Grossed out by stbxw, the new OW, and yes, even exMM. As in, I would avoid him if he tried to contact me. In that I feel like he is too weak, too pathetic, too whatever to even consider as a partner, ever.

 

And then, on top of that, I'm wondering, why now? Why not during the A? Why not while I was knee deep in that crap? Why didn't I see it then? And, how does it change so quickly? I feel like I've had an epiphany, but I'm not sure what it is??????

[AnotherRound]

:laugh::laugh:

Whatever you need to think to allow yourself to move on.

 

Right. Like I said, I know that this is my standards being excessively high in regards to hygiene and not being shallow. I'm not saying she would be considered "gross" by all, just by me.

 

I don't even want to know how YOU would not she isn't a good kisser or what is going on in her mind...I know, I know...MM told you Yet he stays, day after day, month after month, year after year.

 

No, it wasn't just from him. Neither was the bad breath thing. I think that people are shocked that she is so attractive, and then they talk to her, and she has this horrible breath. Because she doesn't "look" dirty, or like she would have horrid breath. I heard the kissing thing from exMM AND others that have kissed her. Granted, she maybe learned over the years, but back in the day, when she was in her late 20s, a couple of people I know kissed her and said it was horrible and that they were surprised bc she was so attractive. And yes, he has stayed. I know some of the reasons that he has, but yes, it is grossing me out right now.

 

BTW - I am not a BS and never been one. And while you may look down at his wife, she and her friends may look at you and think "what a lonely girl....knows he is married but continues to hold out hope" or "poor thing...another one in a long line of OW." who knows what they say or think.

 

I don't look down at her at all! And I wasn't holding out hope, I walked away a year and a half ago. He begged me for months and months to "fix it" with him, and I refused. He told me that he was going to start seeing someone else, I still refused. So, I am sure that others have "ideas" about me in their head, and I'm okay with that, that type of stuff doesn't bother me. I truly don't care what others think, I'm very "free" that way. But I do NOT look down on his wife. I don't think she is a "bad" person - she just isn't someone that I would choose to spend my time with. Honestly, nothing more than that. And as far as the gross factor... that's not personal. I am fully aware that my level of clean is not everyone's level of clean - I've found that repeatedly in life, and accept that I'm excessive about it.

 

What matters is you are moving forward. If you need to think poorly of her to do that, great.

 

Again, I'm not thinking "poorly" of her. I'm just thinking that she is not as clean as I would like someone to be if I was going to be near them physically. She isn't "unclean" probably in the general world's eyes... this is MY hangup, not hers.

 

If it helps you to know he stays with someone you think is so "gross", great again. Instead of focusing on her and her lack of whatever...focus on him and how he can't seem to be without her and all her 'gross'ness.

 

That's where I am. That if he is okay with that - am I okay with him? And my revelation was... nope. That if he is willing to kiss her, or try to be intimate with her (gagging a little, honestly) - that I can't possibly be intimate with him in any way bc he is now "gross" too.

 

I mean - he may have kissed her prior to kissing her? He may have done other things with her prior to doing them with you. Focus on THAT ... and how NO woman can satisfy him..or no ONE woman is enough for him.

 

Yeah. This. And not that I'm worried that I got her grossness on me, bc again, I'm excessive, and we were clean before any acts - ever. It's a kind of requirement for me (I know, excessive, it just is what it is). But just the fact that he would find that attractive at all? Or, the OW after me - who I'm not looking down on, I just sense a desperation?

 

Maybe that's it. Desperation is gross to me too. And I'm sensing that. A desperation from him, from her, from his other OW after me... so much desperation. And so... unattractive.

 

Honestly, I'm not trying to be mean. I'm just trying to express what I'm feeling and thinking, bc this is new. So new. And I'm not sure why I never felt it before? And I'm not even sure if it matters why I didn't feel it before - bc I feel it now. And just the thought of him makes me... what's the word... repulsed? Wth... so freakin' weird.

[AnotherRound]

I think it's some version of what MM do when they suddenly start to dislike everything about their wives. Do you think that might be possible?

 

Yes! Absolutely possible. It's like I'm on the absolute opposite end of the pole now. From, finding him so attractive to being repulsed.

 

I am seriously confused by this. And, as a person who wants to understand always WHY I feel what I feel, or think what I think, now I'm churning away at this. Maybe, instead of analyzing it, I should just go with it.

 

I'm sure it's not real - that his wife really isn't "gross". I'm sure it's not even the hygiene or the vanity. I think it's maybe something deeper than that - that the whole situation is now grossing me out?

[AnotherRound]

Hockeyfan, her exMM has told her he is divorcing his wife. I don't know if he's shown her the papers yet though.

 

They are in the process of a divorce. He had contacted me and told me, and then it was in the local newspaper that she had filed for dissolution. Our local newspaper has docket entries (not a lot of news around here, lol) and they are now in the "discovery" phase. They each have attorneys and are meeting early next week to discuss a possible settlement so that they can avoid going to trial (if they can agree on splitting the assets and the parenting schedules).

 

I can look up the court documents online, but I haven't, except right after he told me to verify (and yes, they are listed there). Also, it's a small town, and a lot of people are talking about their divorce bc he is pretty high profile in town. Again, not a lot of news around here... lol.

 

Oh, and they have been living separately since February. He moved out and got a house for himself across town. I have a friend that is her neighbor and a friend that is his neighbor - gotta love these small towns, lol.

[AnotherRound]

So, these people are in their 50s. How old are you, AnotherRound, if you don't mind me asking?

 

 

Yes. ExMM is in his early 50's, stbxw is just under 50, and the other OW after me is older than ExMM by a year or two. The other OW is not in the picture anymore, as exMM and his stbxw had restraining orders placed on her. Those are in the local newspaper too... lol.

 

I'm in my mid to late 30s. Not sure if I'm over the hump yet to be considered late 30s, but I'm close... lol.

[AnotherRound]

I agree with the posters who posted replies.I get grossed out too at the thought of body fluids being shared that grosses me out enough to want to think of something else.Affairs do damage.You are falling out o flove.I didnt have to gross myself out to fall ou tof love.I realised after many years that i just couldnt go back.....i hate going backwards for starters the sharing body fluids in my mouth thing helps though strengthen all resolve....i am retching now....new image.......needed here.........mmmm thats better......smilin...i am still friends with my ex in a sense...... i am single not with anyone and he actually is giving me dating advice......considering he has more than me at dating i am in serious confusion.....i cant fight with him and hate him ....i don't want to hate anyone...i have three girls to him but the idea of any sort of sexual relationship is out...that would be moving backwards..........deb

 

Yeah, I'm retching a little too... lol. Thing is, It's not even the body fluids bc honestly, he and I were always clean when we were intimate. It's something I am pretty weird about I guess - as in, cleaning wipes ALWAYS nearby, and in the bathroom. So, that isn't even it. It's just the thought of him wanting to be intimate in any way with someone that seems unclean to me. Like I said, she probably isn't unclean by the standards of the general population - but I admit that I am OCD and not "normal" when it comes to hygiene, always have been (I blame my Mother, she was always the same way... come to think of it, so was her mother, my Gmother... lol).

[AnotherRound]

Mount - I think you might be on the rollercoaster of your emtion towards MM, it happens to me as well.

 

Myself in my late 30's, financially very comfortable (can not compare to Paris Hilton though), and MM and his wife are close to 60 soon. I am constantly not interested in some single guy I met because this or that reason. Somehow I don't know if it is a fog or else, I have tremendous feeling towards the elder MM.

 

 

 

 

I understand that. It's weird right now. I care about exMM, as in, I want him to be happy. But I'm feeling repulsed by him too. It's confusing, to say the least. Especially considering I've never felt this before.

 

It's not that I don't love him on some level, I do. BUT, right now? He just seems really unattractive and unappealing to me. And, even thinking of things that I used to think of that would make my heart skip a beat - and I feel, nothing. NO heart skipping at all. Nothing.

 

I'm not even sure what it is, and maybe it will swing back to somewhere closer to the middle. I am so picky when it comes to hygiene and he always seemed to have very good hygiene (which without is a serious dealbreaker for me), and I don't doubt his hygiene level. BUT, if he doesn't have those same standards in his SOs - I'm feeling grossed out by that. Does that even make sense?

[Mount]

I can understand the hygiene issue, but did you have that sense previously when you were involved with the MM? Why just now?

 

 

I understand that. It's weird right now. I care about exMM, as in, I want him to be happy. But I'm feeling repulsed by him too. It's confusing, to say the least. Especially considering I've never felt this before.

 

It's not that I don't love him on some level, I do. BUT, right now? He just seems really unattractive and unappealing to me. And, even thinking of things that I used to think of that would make my heart skip a beat - and I feel, nothing. NO heart skipping at all. Nothing.

 

I'm not even sure what it is, and maybe it will swing back to somewhere closer to the middle. I am so picky when it comes to hygiene and he always seemed to have very good hygiene (which without is a serious dealbreaker for me), and I don't doubt his hygiene level. BUT, if he doesn't have those same standards in his SOs - I'm feeling grossed out by that. Does that even make sense?

[AnotherRound]

AR........I've been wanting to say this ever since you started posting but I know you aren't going to like it and I'm not saying it to down you but I hope you can at least think about it and consider it.

 

In spite of you saying that you don't see yourself as better than his wife, you have made that very clear that you do.

 

I really do not think I'm "better" than her. I think I'm different from her. Do I think that what I value is more important than what she values? Yes, I do, or I wouldn't value it more than what she values. But I'm being totally honest with you here, I am not feeling or thinking that I'm better - as in more valuable in the world than she is.

 

I do think that I'm more intelligent than her, and that I'm more down to earth than her - but I don't consider that "better", honestly. Just different. I try not place "value" on people, bc I think it's all relative, and I honestly don't think I'm "better" than anyone. That's my honest feeling. If it appears otherwise, I'm sorry, I'm just being very open about what I'm feeling and thinking right now.

 

You have put her down again and again and this one is the worst. Maybe what you say about her is true, I don't have a clue but what you need to think about and really what is important is why do you feel that you need to see yourself as better than her?

 

Again, I have never felt in competition with her. I honestly haven't. She could "beat" me in some areas, and I could "beat" her in other areas, but that's all moot to me. Bc, in considering a person, I consider all things, and it's impossible (imo) to compare people and decide who is "better" or "worse". There is - better FOR someone, but not "better" as in, more valuable as a human. I just don't think that way. When have I put her down? I have noted that she is very nice, that she is very attractive in the face, that she is a good mother - I don't remember putting her down? I am simply pointing out our differences, not trying to assign caliber to each of us. I don't "need" to see myself as better than her - I honestly don't consider myself better than anyone. I value what I value, but I don't devalue what someone else values - it's just not my thing, just different.

 

Your competitiveness with her is leeching out in so many of your posts, even though you temper it with claims of the opposite.

 

This is odd to me bc I don't feel competitive with her at all. We are two totally different people - it would be like pitting apples against oranges. Neither is "better" - they are just different and not even comparable in the long run except they are both fruits and round - and she and I are both human and female. That's it, honestly, that is it.

 

Another thing that is concerning is almost everytime you post the bulk of the post is about her, about their marriage and your opinion of it and you need for us to see it the way you do. Maybe I'm wrong, but that is what I see. Why do you spend the majority of your time on them and what is wrong with them? Is it possible that it's a coping issue to deflect from yourself?

 

I was trying, in my processing, to give an accurate picture of the situation as I know it. I needed people to see it accurately so that they could provide productive input. I haven't considered their marriage, or them, for the past year and half - honestly, I haven't, bc it was not my gig any longer. I am spending time analyzing them bc I was trying to figure out if he was someone that I would want to become reinvolved with again, that is all.

 

I am a VERY analytical person. It's a strength AND a weakness of mine. I tend to not make emotional decisions, bc I am very cerebral. I am not always comfortable with my own emotions, so I often attempt to keep things on a very cerebral level bc I feel "safer" that way. I realize that I cannot control others, and that I cannot predict outcomes - but I try to be as prepared as possible for EVERY single outcome there is. Some of this is that I suffer from PTSD, due to my childhood. So, in ANY situation, I have already (in my head) planned out multiple scenarios and my responses to them. It is the nature of PTSD and being hypervigilant. Like I said, I never claimed to be perfect, and I have my own issues, as we all do. This is one of mine - I analyze and analyze in an effort to feel SOME control over my outcomes in my life. This just happens to be a board about OW/OM and these posts just happen to be about exMM - which obviously includes his marriage (as it was an A relationship) - and I'm just trying to predict as much as I can so that I'm prepared.

And as others have said, if this is what you need to see him for the snake he is........then more power to you but yet I hope you can think about how this focus on them and her......is not really the answer. It doesn't address the real issues.

 

I am not sure what you think the "real" issues are here? I think that I'm aware, but maybe we have a different idea of what they are? I know that I have issues - PTSD being a major one, and a lot of that at the fault of my biological father, which of course leads to some "daddy issues". I'm not unaware of my issues - but I'm also not going to deprive myself of intimacy simply bc I have issues. Imo, everyone has issues - and we can still find, and are still worthy of, love and a relationship that fits us, and brings us happiness. ExMM def has his own issues - but I don't hold that against him. How can I? When I have my own?

 

I'm glad that you felt like you could be honest with me about what you are picking up on, I do appreciate it. I don't see it, but that doesn't mean it isn't there - it just means I don't see it. Think Johari's Window. Thank you!

[AnotherRound]

I can understand the hygiene issue, but did you have that sense previously when you were involved with the MM? Why just now?

 

No, never before, and I have NO idea why now. That's part of my confusion.

 

Maybe bc before, I was never getting from him that he was interested in her at all in that way? And, I'm not even sure he's interested now any more than he knows that in order for them to maintain the marriage that they will HAVE to be intimate. And maybe, it's more a reflection on him than it is her? That he would be willing to be intimate with someone that he is not attracted to? Or that, if he is attracted, that I can't understand how? Or that, he would be willing to?

 

I honestly have no idea... and figured I'd get flamed on here. But this is a good venting place for me in that it is allowing me to process all of this very quickly, so I took my chances.

[AnotherRound]

I find it odd that you and your mutual friends "know that she is not a very good kisser."

 

Aside from that, be happy the admiration is waning. What with all I have read that you have posted, that's a good thing!

 

Agreed, it IS a weird thing. It's just a really small town. REALLY small. In that, families are here for generations, and everyone literally knows everyone (and all their kin), and there isn't much to talk about sometimes.

 

Without giving tmi, what happened was that exMM was working at a party that me and many of my friends were attending. It's a whole town party, like a block party, but the entire town. And, several of my guy friends noticed exMM and commented about how attractive his stbxw is. She has had a LOT Of admirers over the years. So, they got to talking about knowing her before she was exMMs wife, and it went from there. They weren't downing her at all - quite the opposite. They all agreed that she was very attractive and very nice and very sweet. The 2 that had kissed her talked about being surprised that she had bad breath and was a bad kisser bc she doesn't "appear" like that would be the case bc she was so attractive. Men, who knows how they think, ya know? And then exMM had made comments regarding this too over the years, so.

 

I'm not judging her... I could care less if she was a good kisser or not. BUT, it's hard for me to understand why exMM would even WANT to kiss her if she really does have horrid breath and isn't any good at it (as he and others have said). I guess that's my confusion with all of that. The 2 guys that I am friends with that had kissed her said that they didn't pursue her after that bc it was a turnoff for them, despite her being very attractive. So, I guess that makes me wonder why exMM DID pursue her and then marry her. What's different about him than them?

 

I know it's odd, never claimed it not to be. But as you said, I'm feeling (right now) just kind of glad that my feelings for him have done such a flip, bc that sure makes any decisions I have to make MUCH easier for me.

[Fitz]

AR........I've been wanting to say this ever since you started posting but I know you aren't going to like it and I'm not saying it to down you but I hope you can at least think about it and consider it.

 

In spite of you saying that you don't see yourself as better than his wife, you have made that very clear that you do. You have put her down again and again and this one is the worst. Maybe what you say about her is true, I don't have a clue but what you need to think about and really what is important is why do you feel that you need to see yourself as better than her? Your competitiveness with her is leeching out in so many of your posts, even though you temper it with claims of the opposite.

 

Another thing that is concerning is almost everytime you post the bulk of the post is about her, about their marriage and your opinion of it and you need for us to see it the way you do. Maybe I'm wrong, but that is what I see. Why do you spend the majority of your time on them and what is wrong with them? Is it possible that it's a coping issue to deflect from yourself?

 

And as others have said, if this is what you need to see him for the snake he is........then more power to you but yet I hope you can think about how this focus on them and her......is not really the answer. It doesn't address the real issues.

 

Gotta agree with this 100%. (and it's so well written too!)

 

Also, simply people want what they can't have. But AR now that you've seemingly won your prize (and finally proved to yourself that you are indeed superior to the competition) there's simply not much else driving your ambitions with MM. The external motivations have been stripped away, and now the relationship with MM has to stand up on it's own merits (or lack thereof).

[AnotherRound]

Gotta agree with this 100%. (and it's so well written too!)

 

Also, simply people want what they can't have. But AR now that you've seemingly won your prize (and finally proved to yourself that you are indeed superior to the competition) there's simply not much else driving your ambitions with MM. The external motivations have been stripped away, and now the relationship with MM has to stand up on it's own merits (or lack thereof).

 

Fitz.. you are WAY off on this. I have not "won" anything! exMM STILL wants to reconcile with his stbxw! He is still trying to get her to attempt reconciliation! I CAN have him. As in, if I called him right this second, he would come over and I could be intimate with him and all that jazz. Thing is, I no longer WANT to.

 

How have I proven that I'm "superior" to her? He wants to save his marriage. I don't see how that is "winning" if what I wanted was him?

 

Thing is, he has NEVER walked away from me - it has ALWAYS been me that walked away. ALWAYS. So, I have always had that "power" that you seem to suggest that I "need". ???? That obvs hasn't been enough for me, or I would still be in the A... wouldn't I? I mean, if that's what it was all about - that I wanted to prove that I CAN get him away from his wife. Because I've never not had that power. Fact is, I've had it all along - and haven't used it MANY times. During the new OW, he was begging me (which I did find unattractive, honestly) to try again with him. I resisted, and yes, it was hard - at first. But then, it became easier and easier to resist - bc I wasn't really resisting anymore, I just wasn't interested.

 

I am interested to see what LG has to say about this, as she has given me some great feedback already. But, I do think that you are wrong on your observation, bc it doesn't add up. It doesn't seem to simply be about power to me, or attraction - as I've always had those in my favor re exMM. And apparently, still do in that he is wanting to pursue a relationship with me after the divorce (he is assuming that they CAN'T work out their issues, although he does seem to be trying to).

 

So, thanks for the input... but I think at this point, I'm going to have to disagree.

[seren]

AR, I have read a lot of your posts and liked many of them, I have to disagree with the comment that you have put her down, I may have missed it, but I always think your posts are considered and demonstrate a degree of empathy with a BS.

 

I too will go out on a limb and say that when I found out who the OW was I was grossed out, not just because of hygiene standards and I wondered why her. Besides the too easy to trip of the tongue, it could be anyone, for H the attraction (?) was that his self esteem was in the toilet and he felt that this OW was all he was worth. Twisted? maybe, but it was what it was.

 

I wonder if LS has contributed to you re evaluating the A and finding it not meeting your needs or even what you feel you are worth. Just a thought. I have been struck that your posts haven't been the na na na na type of post and that you have engaged in discussion without ramming the A down everyone's throat(s). Maybe you have outgrown it, maybe you want a relationship that has no strings or drama and maybe you have realised that he simply isn't all that and the gloss has worn off.

 

I understand the cleanliness thing, while not OCD, I too have an AI and am careful, it was hard for me to accept that H had an A with someone who was not only sloppy, but had been around the block, looks had nothing to do with it, intelligence? maybe a bit, if I were analyse this I might conclude that I felt more devalued because I couldn't value who she appeared to be, not being snarky, but we are all who we are and all have some value to someone, so I understand the not valuing who the BS appears to be. Thing is, it doesn't matter, he, like my H, got something out of their relationship, what matters, is what you get out of it and if it is not enough, then it is time to move along.

 

I hope I have not caused offence, just being honest. If it is over, then I hope you find closure and a more suited to you relationship. Seren

[AnotherRound]

Maybe I'm just tired of it all? Maybe, in all this thinking and analyzing I am realizing that this is all so ... stupid?

 

I have never found indecisiveness or wishy washy people attractive - it's frustrating to me when someone can't just make a decision and be all in or all out. I have had a LOT of frustration over the years with exMM because of this. Many arguments of me saying, "seriously, stop whining about it and FIX it!". I have told him repeatedly, "if you want to be in your marriage, then be there! 100%! All in, and stop jacking around!". And when he whined and said, "it's not that easy!"... I would say, "so get out then!"... and of course he whined that that too was "not that easy!". And I would get SO frustrated!

 

Not because I wanted him to "choose" me... simply bc I wanted him to stop whining and DO SOMETHING! I am not a person who sits idly by when I'm unhappy. I just don't. I walked away from exMM so many times, and dated others, bc I was tired of sitting idly by when in my mind - there WAS a very simple solution to it all - IF he was unhappy.

 

No, I didn't think the solution would be "easy", or not have fallout. Of course it would, divorce, separation, even reconciliation - none of that is "easy". But my gawd, it's not IMPOSSIBLE. And it's not DEATH.

 

And so now, here we are. And exMM is STILL in the same exact place he was a million years ago (okay, that's an exaggeration, lol) - but he is NO closer to making something happen than he was then. Not one centimeter closer. It's like he is literally frozen in place - like a stupid deer that is caught in someone's headlights.

 

THAT is unattractive. That is unappealing. That frustrates me. Not bc I want him, honestly, that's NOT it. I want him to stop effing whining and DO SOMETHING. I don't care what he does - as long as he is just effing doing something!

 

How can he not know what he wants? Or where he wants to be? I mean, I may not always know exactly - but I can certainly tell you where I DON'T want to be - and I won't be there. It's that simple. I just won't be there. I would DO SOMETHING. I would be proactive. I would make my own ripples and stop bobbing around to everyone else's ripples.

 

Maybe it's not her at all, or the OW, or any of that. Maybe those are just insignificant things that all add up to - a small group of people where nobody DOES anything to change anything but just whines incessantly about being unhappy. Wth is that? Who does that? Why would you do that? Why would you expect the universe to magically come and fix it? Why would you expect happiness if you haven't worked towards it?

 

I think, maybe, this is about me as a person and what I find attractive in others. I find doers attractive. People who handle their business, no matter how unpleasant. People who are as active in their life's outcomes as they can possibly be. Not people that just sit around gathering dust for their entire lives because they are afraid, or overwhelmed, or whatever. What is there to fear? Short of death, who effing cares? If it doesn't kill you, and you don't give it the power to kill you, then what are you afraid of? I know that some people believe that there are worse things than death... and I would agree. Something worse than death to me would be staying somewhere that I am unhappy, that has no inclination to change to ever be what I want or need, and just staying there... forever. That makes me struggle to breathe just thinking about it.

 

This is just me venting. I'm working on this epiphany bc I think there is something seriously changing in my mind - my heart. I am looking at this whole situation completely differently now. I am seeing that exMM was NEVER really someone that I would want to be with, but somehow, I was convinced he was. Yes, we click. Yes, we get along. But all of that means nothing if I can't respect him as a person.

 

And oddly enough - it's not the A that causes me to not respect him. As much as it is the REASON he chose an A that brings that up for me. He chose to have an A bc he simply cannot make a decision. Not her vs. me, or me vs. the other OW, or her vs. the other OW - just simply, he cannot decide if he wants the marriage or not. When he had the choice - to stay or to go - he chose to stay bc she wouldn't participate in any discussion. That seems weak to me now, looking at it. Bc - he could have made a decision, then and there - that he wasn't going to live his life that way. BUt he didn't. He froze. He locked up and did NOTHING. His reasons are irrelevant really, bc none of it matters. What it boils down to is that he cannot make hard decisions when it comes to love/relationships. And that frustrates me.

 

I have no idea how I am going to respond to him at this time. If he called me right now, I honestly feel like I would have to say "you gross me out". That is honestly how I feel right now. This is so confusing - and weird.

[AnotherRound]

How does this......lead to this?

 

I have no idea. I guess in that Fitz seemed to be saying that once I felt the competition was gone that I wasn't interested. But I am saying, if the competition is gone, (not that I felt competition) then why is it exactly the same? In that, he is married to her, but I still have the power to be with him?

 

Also, I have never known if I wanted to be with him "full time". As, it honestly wasn't something I thought much about, bc the A worked for me when it worked for me. When it didn't, I dated others, SGs, full time. When that stopped working for me, I went back to the A. I was never "all in" with exMM, so I don't think it was competition.

 

I'm not claiming to make sense here! lol

[AnotherRound]

AR, I have read a lot of your posts and liked many of them, I have to disagree with the comment that you have put her down, I may have missed it, but I always think your posts are considered and demonstrate a degree of empathy with a BS.

 

Thank you. I was a BS once, so I know those feelings well. I also have not tried to put down his wife - if it came off like that, it was not my intent. I'm just trying to figure things out, and sometimes, I'm too honest for my own good about what I'm thinking and feeling.

 

I too will go out on a limb and say that when I found out who the OW was I was grossed out, not just because of hygiene standards and I wondered why her. Besides the too easy to trip of the tongue, it could be anyone, for H the attraction (?) was that his self esteem was in the toilet and he felt that this OW was all he was worth. Twisted? maybe, but it was what it was.

 

No, I get that. I felt it too with my exH's OW, and realized very quickly that it was not about looks at all for him. It was about something MUCH deeper in that his emotional needs were not being met by me (whether my fault or not is irrelevant, they just weren't). And honestly, knowing what I know now, my exH and I would have never been able to fulfill one another, no matter how hard we tried, bc we are just too different.

 

I wonder if LS has contributed to you re evaluating the A and finding it not meeting your needs or even what you feel you are worth. Just a thought.

 

YES! I think that all of this processing (at a frantic pace, as it's my nature) has come from the back and forth on here. The differing views. And I have honestly tried to take what some of the more vindictive posters have said to heart and truly consider it, despite the venom.

 

I have been struck that your posts haven't been the na na na na type of post and that you have engaged in discussion without ramming the A down everyone's throat(s).

 

I appreciate this, thank you. I have tried. I don't always keep my gloves on, but I do try. I know that I can be venomous, and have a great talent of being able to verbally hurt others (not that I'm proud of it, it just is) bc I learned at a very young age how to fight viciously. I try really hard to not use that skill, as I never feel good about it after. Took me YEARS to learn that one.

 

Maybe you have outgrown it, maybe you want a relationship that has no strings or drama and maybe you have realised that he simply isn't all that and the gloss has worn off.

 

This. This is exactly where I am. I don't WANT the relationship anymore. Not just the A (I stopped enjoying that at all a LONG time ago)... I am just realizing that maybe I don't want him at all.

 

I understand the cleanliness thing, while not OCD, I too have an AI and am careful, it was hard for me to accept that H had an A with someone who was not only sloppy, but had been around the block, looks had nothing to do with it, intelligence? maybe a bit, if I were analyse this I might conclude that I felt more devalued because I couldn't value who she appeared to be, not being snarky, but we are all who we are and all have some value to someone, so I understand the not valuing who the BS appears to be. Thing is, it doesn't matter, he, like my H, got something out of their relationship, what matters, is what you get out of it and if it is not enough, then it is time to move along.

 

Agree 100%. The AI is frustrating, eh? It's a struggle to not get ill all the time, and that's where some of it comes from. Some of it is that I have anxiety (linked with the PTSD) and that plays a part too for me in my excessive hypervigilance. I totally understand what you are saying here, and didn't take it as snarky at all. And you're right, in the end, it just doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things. Bc what really matters, for me, is what I want, where I am, and what I'm willing to "settle" for if anything. And right now, I'm just not feeling the need or want to settle at all.

 

I hope I have not caused offence, just being honest. If it is over, then I hope you find closure and a more suited to you relationship. Seren

 

No offense taken at all. I only become offended when someone tries to tell me how I think or feel bc that is offensive and invalidating. You are simply observing, and sharing... much different than assuming you know my thoughts and feelings better than I do. This is not invalidating, telling someone that they don't know their own mind and heart is. I am very open about my feelings and thoughts, and expect others to accept that I know EXACTLY where I am. I give that respect to everyone, and expect it in return. No offense here at all. Thank you for sharing!