I think this is the real reason we get dumped

[leoc1973]

I read so many stories on here and they all sound the same. Typical good guy with nothing really wrong with him losing the "love of his life". Women need excitement. Not all the time but every once in a while they need something to grab onto. To tell their friends about. To feel like she means something. Think about it she is probably constantly bombarded with her friends and coworkers telling them of travels and restaurants and fun filled evenings. Meanwhile she thinks she has you home and she is only going to go home and have dinner and watch reality tv till you both fall asleep. Maybe roll over and hump each other for a few minutes to "get it over with"

 

Then you get dumped. And since your a great guy you can't understand why. You beg and cry and guilt them to giving you one last try.

 

Then you have a day together and what happens? you had another day at home, doing nothing. To you your connecting and talking it out. To her she is thinking this guy is never going to change. He's a dud! Meanwhile she has male "friends" telling them things like "if I was your man I would (fill in the blank)" So she starts feeling a little excitement, a what if...

 

Days go by and they start to look at you as the reason their life is so boring. You are the obstacle standing in her way of excitement. You turn from this great love of hers to literally the reason her life sucks so bad. She's dying inside.

 

I am the same guy. I made the same mistakes. All the times she asked "lets go out tonight" but I was tired or lazy or whatever so I would always say "some other time". I felt my breakup coming and I kept telling myself "im tired tomorrow I will do something nice for her". She dumped me and now is with a guy that is taking her around the world. Can I blame her? NO! Did I blame her? Yes!

 

Point is all I had to do is take her out once in a while or bring flowers or get her a just because card. Maybe once in a while book a bed and breakfast. Or go on a trip. Now looking back I would have given anything to be able to do something sweet for her. But she is someone elses now.

 

If you are a guy and happen to get a second chance or a date or anything. Make it memorable and exciting. It doesn't matter what it is but it had better be something she can go tell her friends about!!

[NoMoreJerks]

Well, i agree and disagree. My ex was the same as what u described. Always claimed he was toi tired and we always stayed in bed even on weekends, and watched tv. It frustrated me to no end. I understood he was tired and needed time off, but not once did we do anyting that made me really happy or excited. I felt like he was being selfish, it was all about him being stressed about work, all about him being tired, , and so on. But he kept me in check bcs he knew i wasnt willing to end te relationship over that... We ended up breaking up anyway, over a number of things. Mainly his unwillingness to give away an inch of his total independence, his disrespect, sex addiction, and refusal to call me even when he wasnt busy, demands for "space", etc. But i would probably have broken up wit h him 6 months down the line because of feeling like he was lazy and unwilling to put any effort or energy into the relationship. But not because i wanted to tell my friends about my exciting weekend, etc. Its because i genuinely got depressed staying in all day on a nice, sunny, warm summer sunday afternooon, watching reality tv shows about drug addicts and auctions. I dont want to be taken around te world. My expectations are more realistic than that. I just want to do nice and fun tings togeter. Go places together, walk around together, go for a drive together. In the 4 months with my ex, not once did he take his car out and go on a trip with me, or even a shprt drive around town, for a change.

Edited September 16, 2012 by NoMoreJerks

[leoc1973]

so in your case I have it half right. Well with my ex she worked in a hospital and rubbed elbows with doctors and executives and I would constantly hear of all the adventures these people all went on. I know for a fact the guy in the background that was supposed to be her friend was constantly telling her of how he would spoil her and take her around the world.. And he is right now. At first I hated her for it thinking how could she do this to me. I labeled her as a gold digger because I could have never afforded to do the things he is doing. But at the end of the day. I think exactly what your saying is right. I think that a few walks or cheap events may have been good enough. I do know she has a taste for the finer things so it may not have with her.

[immitable]

The real reason ppl get dumped is bc the other person doesn't love them. It is as simple as that.

There is no falling out of love -- I think, there might be infatuation, giving it a try, settling, etc etc... but that is not love...

 

When you are in love with someone you'd do everything for them and they'd do everything for you and fight for that love and that's why actual love is great.

[youngnlove89]

I can say this is how my ex bf was. He never wanted to do anything. He was always too tired or too stressed or didn't have any money. He worked graveyard shift and his schedule was wack so I couldn't blame him. Our weekends consisted of renting a movie from redbox and going home to eat, lounge, have sex and then fall asleep. Sure, some nights that was warranted but not every time! It definitely got old and made me feel like I wasting my life away.

 

To his benefit, we did do things from time to time. But that was mainly in the beginning of our relationship. The last 4 months of our relationship was just that...boredom.

 

It wasn't the entire reason we broke up though. He broke up with me. I would have never left him because he was "boring." I'm 23 years old btw and I never felt like I needed to venture outside of the relationship because of GIGS, just to throw that out there too. I loved him and it was going to take more than that to just give up and leave.

 

We broke up because he didn't love me that way. That was it. Maybe our boring weekends got him bored too and maybe he left because he missed having fun. Who knows. But I don't think your relationship ended JUST because she got bored. But I do think that it played a role. Relationships grow when you keep things exciting, that's how you create good memories together. My ex-bf only bought me flowers twice in a year and half that we were together. He didn't do anything special on holidays or my bday either, not even a card. That upset me. That made me unhappy and it made me feel unloved. Perhaps your ex felt unloved also. And that can make you start to wonder what else is out there and if you are settling. I know I felt that way, but I also know I loved him enough to want to make it work.

 

Just learn from your lesson. You have to work hard to keep a relationship balanced. It's not easy. You can't just water it every other day and stick it in the sun to keep it alive. It's not an object, it's human being that needs to feel loved and wanted. Love, affection, attention, and feeling wanted are all the adhesive to a relationship. It is entirely necessary! When that fades away, feelings fade away. What else do you have to go off of if you don't appreciate what you have and show it? Love is a lot, but it's not enough.

Edited September 16, 2012 by youngnlove89

[Floored]

It's impossible to keep the "honeymoon phase" going forever.

 

If you have to be on your "A" game 24 - 7, have to keep your GF entertained, showering her with flowers, praises, worship, gifts, jewelry and riches in order to "keep" her... You have a petulate child or a gold digger, not a GF.

 

This this THIS. And I was a fool with a line of credit.

 

OP, I like the can-do attitude, but some people are just selfish. Sometimes, you can give a girl all the excitement in the world, but you're still the same guy to her and same is boring.

[todreaminblue]

I read so many stories on here and they all sound the same. Typical good guy with nothing really wrong with him losing the "love of his life". Women need excitement. Not all the time but every once in a while they need something to grab onto. To tell their friends about. To feel like she means something. Think about it she is probably constantly bombarded with her friends and coworkers telling them of travels and restaurants and fun filled evenings. Meanwhile she thinks she has you home and she is only going to go home and have dinner and watch reality tv till you both fall asleep. Maybe roll over and hump each other for a few minutes to "get it over with"

 

Then you get dumped. And since your a great guy you can't understand why. You beg and cry and guilt them to giving you one last try.

 

Then you have a day together and what happens? you had another day at home, doing nothing. To you your connecting and talking it out. To her she is thinking this guy is never going to change. He's a dud! Meanwhile she has male "friends" telling them things like "if I was your man I would (fill in the blank)" So she starts feeling a little excitement, a what if...

 

Days go by and they start to look at you as the reason their life is so boring. You are the obstacle standing in her way of excitement. You turn from this great love of hers to literally the reason her life sucks so bad. She's dying inside.

 

I am the same guy. I made the same mistakes. All the times she asked "lets go out tonight" but I was tired or lazy or whatever so I would always say "some other time". I felt my breakup coming and I kept telling myself "im tired tomorrow I will do something nice for her". She dumped me and now is with a guy that is taking her around the world. Can I blame her? NO! Did I blame her? Yes!

 

Point is all I had to do is take her out once in a while or bring flowers or get her a just because card. Maybe once in a while book a bed and breakfast. Or go on a trip. Now looking back I would have given anything to be able to do something sweet for her. But she is someone elses now.

 

If you are a guy and happen to get a second chance or a date or anything. Make it memorable and exciting. It doesn't matter what it is but it had better be something she can go tell her friends about!!

 

 

 

i think the better dates are the ones you dont want to share with your friends sorry.They are a delicious secret that puts a smile on your face,friends are friends if you wanted them to know every detail why not take them instead let them tag along......i don't need excitement on dates......i can abseil anytime......dating is like abseiling without ropes....enough excitement for me ....give me a helicopter with a fifty foot drop and ill jump....dating is far more of a risk......who needs excitement.....when you have to ask for a date....i am going to go meditate now adrenaline spike......lol....kidding maybe not.........deb

[Xestenz]

OP, I like the can-do attitude, but some people are just selfish. Sometimes, you can give a girl all the excitement in the world, but you're still the same guy to her and same is boring.

 

Amen! My ex dumped me even though I always kept things interesting and active. If we weren't sailing together on a perfect spring afternoon, we were 'stay-cationing' at a local resort, going out to see a great local band, I surprising her with flowers at work, setting up a picnic on the beach, etc.

 

Still wasn't enough.

[Rol]

Do I wish we had gone outside of the house more? Well, yes and no. We always used to go out for walks together, usually walking our dog but I felt like there was more to them, I just liked walking places, like walking along the cliff top and seeing swallows dart in and out of their nests; flying literally centimeters away from our faces. Walking in the twilight and seeing glowworms in the long grass; strolling across the downs and witnessing some of the most magnificent sunsets ever to grace my eyes and all of this, I felt like I shared it with her. So when we spoke for the last time and she said about not going out enough, I mentioned the walks we took (we went out for multiple weekly walks) and she replied "That's just walking the dog." it kinda crushed my soul a little bit.

 

Before we are boyfriend and girlfriend we are people, we all have our own values; some of which are learned and easily changed and others which are intrinsic to our being, non-malleable, rigid and the things that make us the person who we are. The things that make us "special" or "unique". The truth is, whether you believe it to be "sad" or just a part of life, all people have different values, conflicting and not necessarily compatible with others.

 

My values as a person are such that; I don't need to have money spent on me or spent in general to feel content, I want money, yes but I don't want it to buy lavish, material possessions. I want it so I can feel comfortable in my environment, so I don't have to worry about bills etc. For me little scenarios as described above are more important than cards, flowers, chocolates etc. which, by the way I see as a severe form of brainwashing and bombardment of advertising. These are industries worth billions of pounds which play on your sense of obligation.

 

Any fool can go out and "buy" flowers, chocolates or a ready made card and if that is truly what she felt was missing from our relationship, then, well, she wasn't right for me. Spending money is not difficult; unfortunately we live in an emotionally barren society, this means that the so called "friends" you describe, there is a high chance they will be your typical, emotionally retarded, materialistic, consumptive idiots whose sole form of enjoyment comes form wasting large amounts of money (and therefore, time, which is a finite resource by the way) on things that are, themselves finite and in many ways, worthless.

 

My girlfriend was surrounded by women whose soul aim in life was to have children, a large house, nice shoes, money and to spend ludicrous amounts of money on holidays, weddings and all that other stuff that is just a giant, in your face way of trying to tell people "look at me, look how valuable I am, look how much I love this person and how much they love me, aren't I fantastic!?" people who think their child is somehow the next Albert Einstein (because they are so IMPORTANT how can their child not possibly be a genius?) Like I said, if this was truly the crux in the matter then I am kind of glad I'm not involved with this person anymore.

 

I feel I have a lot more to give to someone than superficial "things" she can go out and find millions of guys who will do that but she will have a hard time finding someone else who appreciated just spending their time with her and witnessing all the wonderful things in this world without having to spend a dime to make this relationship feel fulfilled.

 

I would have married her in a registry office in seconds if she would have agreed to it, I knew I loved her, I didn't need other people to know. But she wanted a church, reception, meals etc. to invite everyone she knows. Whereas I would have married her and rather have saved the money to go traveling, properly and comfortably where we could have seen things together, just the two of us, no cameras and the only records being great memories that we shared together, just us.

 

I wish I had made more time for her, yes I absolutely wish this. But money has nothing to do with it, after all; an hour of a persons time, regardless of what the company wants to pay you for it, is priceless.

 

If all we are to a person is a subject of conversation for her to impress his/her friends with then I say, that's the wrong person for us and we should run as far away as we can.

Edited September 17, 2012 by Rol

[Freshstart637]

Half/Half for me. I do agree with this post to some extent. Ex seemed like the same way. Asking me to teach her how to surf, snowboard, etc... Always told her one day and she left.

 

This coming Friday is going to be a month since the BU, and you know what...Who cares. I'm actually over it, I'm having too much fun being single. I miss the ex but I think subconsciously my mind knew she wasn't worth it.

 

I taught a couple of friends and coworker how to surf, but never the ex before. I wonder why, I knew my brain was the smarter one.

 

 

I am guilty and should have taken my ex out more or maybe taught her a thing or two with some of my activities, but I don't care anymore why she left. Her loss, not my problem anymore. Maybe if I knew deep down inside it was meant to be I would've given her the world, just like with my old ex. Now, I'm hanging around with an old old ex and having so much more fun with her. Life does get better and I'm starting to get excited again for the weekend.

[g450]

Well I also agree and to an extent dissagree.

 

I own my part of my first marriage ending. That is why I have changed many things about me. For example, I DATE my wife once a week regardless. In my last marriage I did take my W for granted. Tried to make up for that once our Son left the nest but it was too little too late.

 

Like another poster said, working nights makes this very hard. But I still do what needs to be done now. I make it a point to plan something on my days off even though I am still half asleep and dead tired from constantly switching from night mode to day mode.

 

With that said however, there is NO excuse for infidelity. And if your H loves you and takes care of you then you really have no biblical grounds for divorce. IMO people that do that are selfish and dont know how to deal with their own issues.

 

If your spouse needs excitement then fine she can find a new hobby or something but jumping on another man's junk and betraying your vows is not the way to do it.

 

But if being some married guys slut made her feel "special" or like she was "enjoying the finer things in life" then so be it LOL.

 

Gibson pretty much has it right. Some women never grow up. I was married to a child for 20+ years. I just didnt know it until the end.

[NoMoreJerks]

I think people are missing the point here. Yes, some women are gonna dump you regardless. For them, that is just an excuse to dump you. They're just slutty, etc. But for other women, it is a real problem when men are SOOOO lazy, beyond the reasonable. I understand my ex did a lot of manual work and was very tired. Heck, if I had a 9-5 job, I'd probably feel the same way. But I often had very exhausting days, and if he had wanted to go somewhere, I would still have done it for him. That's love. That's sacrifice. That's compromise. That's a healthy, normal relationship. Being tired is no excuse for lazyness and unwillingness to put any energy into the relationship. A relationship needs both sides working on it constantly. Otherwise it won't thrive. That said, that's no reason for dumping someone. But if there are other problems in the relationship, and you feel like he's not even making the effort to hang out from time to time and do fun stuff together, that really just makes you wonder if he really wants the relationship anymore..

[suladas]

Not my reason, actually had a nice weekend camping trip coming up but was dumped before it happened.

 

Actually weird thing, NEVER in the time we were together did I say no to spending time with her, it was the other way around. Many times she'd cancel plans because she was tired, etc. Not saying she was lazy, she had kids, etc to take care of. But it's not fair to say men are lazy. I work in construction, sometimes 8-12 hour days, and I was still always up for doing stuff.

 

My only complaint about myself was not really finding much interesting stuff to do, she came up with most of the plans for what we did together.

[NoMoreJerks]

Not my reason, actually had a nice weekend camping trip coming up but was dumped before it happened.

 

Actually weird thing, NEVER in the time we were together did I say no to spending time with her, it was the other way around. Many times she'd cancel plans because she was tired, etc. Not saying she was lazy, she had kids, etc to take care of. But it's not fair to say men are lazy. I work in construction, sometimes 8-12 hour days, and I was still always up for doing stuff.

 

My only complaint about myself was not really finding much interesting stuff to do, she came up with most of the plans for what we did together.

I am not saying it's only men who are lazy. Women can be too, I suppose. But from my understanding, it's mostly men who start getting lazy and start taking things for granted, whereas women are always kept on their toes, wondering if they did anything wrong or if the fact that he didn't call, text, etc. meant that he's losing interest. That sort of thing.

 

Your camping trip suggestion may have been too little too late. Also, there could've been other reasons in addition to this, for which you were dumped.

[suladas]

I am not saying it's only men who are lazy. Women can be too, I suppose. But from my understanding, it's mostly men who start getting lazy and start taking things for granted, whereas women are always kept on their toes, wondering if they did anything wrong or if the fact that he didn't call, text, etc. meant that he's losing interest. That sort of thing.

 

Your camping trip suggestion may have been too little too late. Also, there could've been other reasons in addition to this, for which you were dumped.

 

Oh it was planned 3 weeks or so before the break up. Just saying some of us guys still plan fun stuff. But being my first relationship I did have a tough time trying to think of stuff we could do. Never did anything to crazy, just walks, out for dinner, movies, etc.

 

I am 99% sure none of it had anything to do with the break up, and it was pretty much purely based on her own stuff I know I made some mistakes but I don't think they were the difference maker. No gaurantees but it's been 2 months and from what I can tell she hasn't even been on a date with anyone.

[NoMoreJerks]

Oh it was planned 3 weeks or so before the break up. Just saying some of us guys still plan fun stuff. But being my first relationship I did have a tough time trying to think of stuff we could do. Never did anything to crazy, just walks, out for dinner, movies, etc.

And honestly, walks, dinner, movies, etc., are good enough for me. My ex only did short walks on our way to dinner. And then straight back home and glued to TV. Sometimes we'd go grocery shopping and he'd cook. That's about it. If your ex wasn't happy with walks, dinner, movies, I don't really know what else anyone can expect. Sure, an occasional big trip but it can't be done during the weekday, or every weekend. My ex never even did that, and I would not have suggested it either, seeing that he was stressed with work and wanted to rest on the weekends.

[suladas]

And honestly, walks, dinner, movies, etc., are good enough for me. My ex only did short walks on our way to dinner. And then straight back home and glued to TV. Sometimes we'd go grocery shopping and he'd cook. That's about it. If your ex wasn't happy with walks, dinner, movies, I don't really know what else anyone can expect. Sure, an occasional big trip but it can't be done during the weekday, or every weekend. My ex never even did that, and I would not have suggested it either, seeing that he was stressed with work and wanted to rest on the weekends.

Ya I don't think that was the problem

 

Ya we'd go on walks for 30 mins, sometimes a few hours, some were with her kids to. That's weird, no matter what i was always up for spending time together.

 

She said she just couldn't handle being in a relationship right now, and couldn't find a balance between spending time with me and her kids and felt guilty about it. And didn't know if there was a future there for us, which the feeling was mutual because of our differences.

 

I honestly still don't know if I was crazy about her, or crazy about being in a good relationship. Or even if the relationship was good, I have nothing to compare it to. All I can go by was that I really enjoyed being with her, hearing from her, etc.

[NoMoreJerks]

I honestly still don't know if I was crazy about her, or crazy about being in a good relationship. Or even if the relationship was good, I have nothing to compare it to. All I can go by was that I really enjoyed being with her, hearing from her, etc.

I totally know the feeling. I think in my case, I bordered on the obsessive/addictive. He was like my drug. I wanted to see him every day. Mind you, it was a LDR and we got to see each other for 2 weeks every month and we never knew when we wouldn't see each again, so I wanted to see him every day while he was here. I guess he didn't share my enthusiasm and level of interest.

[suladas]

I totally know the feeling. I think in my case, I bordered on the obsessive/addictive. He was like my drug. I wanted to see him every day. Mind you, it was a LDR and we got to see each other for 2 weeks every month and we never knew when we wouldn't see each again, so I wanted to see him every day while he was here. I guess he didn't share my enthusiasm and level of interest.

 

Ya it was mutual we were crazy for each other, at least until the week or so, then her texts got speratic, took hours to respond, sometimes not at all. Being neighbors we seen each other almost everyday, sometimes just a quick talk for a few minutes which was really nice.

[g450]

In most normal marriages it is normal to go from the honeymoon phase to the workerbee phase. Especially if you have a mortgage and children. Inevitably there will be women that never mature past the honeymoon phase and they get to the point where they realize that they could divorce, get half their exes paycheck and then go right back to being the slutty barfly partygirl. THAT IMHO is the real problem.

 

Yes some guys get boring and complacent in marriage. I was to an exent in my first one. Guilty as charged. But I knew what marriage was about and it was not all about partying. Honestly, I think some people get married withought really thinking it through what marriage is all about. They can rationalize it all they want but being bored is NOT grounds for destroying a family. It's simply selfish and egotistical and nothing more.

[LoveHurts88]

As a matter of fact I believe that the OP's post is true. Our honeymoon phase was unbelievable. I admit I did a lot for her during that time but I told her that, that phase won't last forever. I can see that she was bored. We would go grocery shopping, go to the mall but never on a vacation. Really I think she got bored of me. I can see that, but why didn't I get bored of her? BECAUSE I LOVED HER.

 

My friend gave me this quote "girls just wanna have fun" It's true who wants to be in a boring relationship every weekend do the same thing over and over again. GIRLS get bored. They need some excitement in their love hence the honeymoon phase.

 

However, from I believe that if someone truly loves you they will be with you and have fun no matter what you guys do. A relationship takes 2. Communication is the key. We lacked that.

[g450]

As a matter of fact I believe that the OP's post is true. Our honeymoon phase was unbelievable. I admit I did a lot for her during that time but I told her that, that phase won't last forever. I can see that she was bored. We would go grocery shopping, go to the mall but never on a vacation. Really I think she got bored of me. I can see that, but why didn't I get bored of her? BECAUSE I LOVED HER.

 

My friend gave me this quote "girls just wanna have fun" It's true who wants to be in a boring relationship every weekend do the same thing over and over again. GIRLS get bored. They need some excitement in their love hence the honeymoon phase.

 

However, from I believe that if someone truly loves you they will be with you and have fun no matter what you guys do. A relationship takes 2. Communication is the key. We lacked that.

 

And what happens when she gets into her 40s and 50s and the boys no longer want to play? What then?

 

Fact is, we are responsible for our own happines even when we are married. If you have to leave a good marriage to "have fun" and not be bored then IMHO there is something seriously wrong with you.

 

I think this is why I see a lot of 60 year old divorced women at the bar I hang out at being used as a cum bucket by whatever drunk 25 year old they can latch onto. It's sad.

[Crusoe]

My ex had a lot of these complaints when she left. For the first 6 years all was fine and we were at the point of wanting to start a family. I bought a house close to her mother, it needed a lot of renovation but it was the only way I could afford a to buy in that area and it was what she said she wanted. This meant it was time to buckle down, spend less, earn more and save more. The trouble started almost immediately. "You work to much, you're tired all the time, you used to take me out all the time, we used to have friends over all the time, you don't give me as much attention as you used to, etc"

 

I'd try to explain that I had just doubled the mortgage and had a entire house to renovate before we can sensibly bring a child into the world. Tried to explain that this was only temporary and that once the house was done and some savings in the bank it could go back to how it used to be. She simply couldn't see or appreciate that I was working that hard to provide for our future, all she could see was that the fun had stopped. The reasons why, didn't matter.

 

I remember shortly after buying the house I broke three bones in my right hand. I couldn't take time off work and so carried on. I was building a big sandstone wall at the time. It was on pricework so I couldn't ease off the pace and the temperature was up in the nineties. Physically and mentally one of the toughest times of my life, and I'm coming home to a spoilt little madam and her incessant complaining about not being taken out enough. I've never had much tolerance for that sort of cr*p and wouldn't bend to her pouting lips, flapping arms and stamping feet. I want a woman, not a silly little girl who's only there for the good times.

 

Although I wasn't aware at the time, it was around this time she starting bouncing around on other fella's. Apparently I deserved it. I'm just glad I found out what she was really like before we had kids.

 

Sometimes the things you did "wrong" are the best things you ever did. Sometimes your regrets are blessings in disguise. Sometimes being dumped is the best thing that will ever happen to you.

[g450]

Sometimes the things you did "wrong" are the best things you ever did. Sometimes your regrets are blessings in disguise. Sometimes being dumped is the best thing that will ever happen to you.

 

Amen to that. For some of us it takes years to realize this bit of truth. Very well put!

[bluescityangel]

Maybe I am just abnormal but if I love you? I don't give a dayum what my friends think. If they don't like you or find you exciting enough? Well that is their issue and not mine. What matters to me is if I am happy with you. With me happiness isn't anything you can buy. I would much rather you shower me with love and laughter than diamonds. I am just as happy watching tv with the man I love as I am watching a concert. Love, to me, isn't where you are or what you have....it is who you are with and if you are with the right person it doesn't matter what you do. My opinion only.....