Mount Posted September 16, 2012 Posted September 16, 2012 (edited) Just to update, I am still in A with the MM - the A was starting from late May. The reasons that I did not go NC yet is because I am so lonely, and of course I have feeling for him as well. I feel like my emotion is more attaching him now which I knew it might not be a good thing. I am dating in the meantime, but those single guys are not meeting my requirements...i.e. finanically speaking....etc (yes I am kind of superficial), even though I am in my very late 30's. So can I say the reason I did not end the A with mm is because I don't have a life:(:(. That could be true though. Pls don't be harsh on me.... Edited September 16, 2012 by Mount
MissBee Posted September 16, 2012 Posted September 16, 2012 What do you want us to say? I am seriously asking. What would be your ideal response? You say you are superficial and lonely...do you care about changing that? Nothing we say here can really do anything about that. It's up to you basically to decide if your realizations about yourself are things you are content with or want to change. After that we can probably pose suggestions if it's something you want to change. 5
DBella Posted September 16, 2012 Posted September 16, 2012 I feel like my emotion is more attaching him now which I knew it might not be a good thing. You know that is not a good thing. If you continue, it could get to a point that you will want to seek more of his attention and time, but because you started from the get-go as the OW, most likely it will all be at his own terms. Read posts from others AP's and save yourself and the other parties involved all the drama and suffering that A's bring into ppl's lives.
veryhappy Posted September 16, 2012 Posted September 16, 2012 I am not surprised, as you were very ambivalent about it. You need to want to end it, otherwise it won't end. He very likely won't end it unless he's forced to, because life is too good too easily. Does that mean he provides financially for you, or you have some material benefits that wouldn't afford on your own?
Author Mount Posted September 16, 2012 Author Posted September 16, 2012 Because I have zero family or non work friend at the city I live, I wish someone could grasp me from slipping down the trail.
Author Mount Posted September 16, 2012 Author Posted September 16, 2012 Not at all, we exchange gifts to each other, at similar values. Myself financiall quite comfortable as well. I am not surprised, as you were very ambivalent about it. You need to want to end it, otherwise it won't end. He very likely won't end it unless he's forced to, because life is too good too easily. Does that mean he provides financially for you, or you have some material benefits that wouldn't afford on your own?
veryhappy Posted September 16, 2012 Posted September 16, 2012 The more you'll focus on him, the more you won't be doing other activities where you could find friends. What are you into? Cooking classes, working out, dancing? You are trapping yourself and counting on a friendship that won't be there once the A has to end.
Author Mount Posted September 16, 2012 Author Posted September 16, 2012 I like work :o, that is why me and MM were starting from friendship, mentorship....then now A. And honestly I don't have too many hobbies at all, I like fashion, a bit of indoor exercise....that is it. Also because of my age, most of female friends are married with kids, so they are busy, all over their families. The more you'll focus on him, the more you won't be doing other activities where you could find friends. What are you into? Cooking classes, working out, dancing? You are trapping yourself and counting on a friendship that won't be there once the A has to end.
mercy Posted September 16, 2012 Posted September 16, 2012 Because I have zero family or non work friend at the city I live, I wish someone could grasp me from slipping down the trail. Since when does a grown woman need someone else to save her? Woman up. You live on your own, pay your own bills, make your own choices. You got yourself in this and when you want out you'll get yourself out and not a moment sooner. Take responsibility for your choices. It's time. 6
Author Mount Posted September 16, 2012 Author Posted September 16, 2012 Mercy, from the bottom of my heart, I knew I should but I don't have the strength now. BECAUSE without the MM, I would feel more lonly even though I have been alone for really long time already. Since when does a grown woman need someone else to save her? Woman up. You live on your own, pay your own bills, make your own choices. You got yourself in this and when you want out you'll get yourself out and not a moment sooner. Take responsibility for your choices. It's time.
Author Mount Posted September 16, 2012 Author Posted September 16, 2012 Bent, what do you mean by saying I did not care my situation, I of couse care about my job, education...etc. I also believe happiness comes within, however the MM situation brings me whole package - best friends, lover, father figure...etc. Again, as long as you are good with the view....you will stay right where you are. I would say this to anyone who did not care for their situation(job, family ties, education, relationships) but waited for something outside of themselves to change it for them.
HisGraceisSufficient Posted September 16, 2012 Posted September 16, 2012 Mercy, from the bottom of my heart, I knew I should but I don't have the strength now. BECAUSE without the MM, I would feel more lonly even though I have been alone for really long time already. Loneliness is a powerful motivator and it certainly influenced my decision to be involved with a married man. What needs to happen is turning in something bad for something good. It is next to impossible to truly let go of what you believe you need to survive, or at least be happy. So, we all need to have something to hold on to when we let go of what is harmful. If you are a religious person, I highly suggest allowing God to fill that void. I used men for emotional highs because I was so lonely and empty inside. I can no longer say that is the problem with God. Don't be afraid of change or letting go. There is much good to be found with even a mustard seed of faith. “What the soul hardly realizes is that, unbeliever or not, his loneliness is really a homesickness for God.” ― Dom Hubert Van Zeller 1
Author Mount Posted September 17, 2012 Author Posted September 17, 2012 HisGraceisSufficient - you could be right. The MM is filling my emotion emptiness for me at this moment, that is why I am so difficult to cut it off now. But interestingly I am always alone and have been satisfied with being alone from all childhood to adult, and also myself motivated myself doing things. I am not religious though. Loneliness is a powerful motivator and it certainly influenced my decision to be involved with a married man. What needs to happen is turning in something bad for something good. It is next to impossible to truly let go of what you believe you need to survive, or at least be happy. So, we all need to have something to hold on to when we let go of what is harmful. If you are a religious person, I highly suggest allowing God to fill that void. I used men for emotional highs because I was so lonely and empty inside. I can no longer say that is the problem with God. Don't be afraid of change or letting go. There is much good to be found with even a mustard seed of faith. “What the soul hardly realizes is that, unbeliever or not, his loneliness is really a homesickness for God.” ― Dom Hubert Van Zeller
whichwayisup Posted September 17, 2012 Posted September 17, 2012 Just to update, I am still in A with the MM - the A was starting from late May. The reasons that I did not go NC yet is because I am so lonely, and of course I have feeling for him as well. I feel like my emotion is more attaching him now which I knew it might not be a good thing. I am dating in the meantime, but those single guys are not meeting my requirements...i.e. finanically speaking....etc (yes I am kind of superficial), even though I am in my very late 30's. So can I say the reason I did not end the A with mm is because I don't have a life:(:(. That could be true though. Pls don't be harsh on me.... My Mountie.. No other man will compare. Looks, scent wise, physically or emotionally to you because you're still in the affair. Your emotions and heart won't allow anybody else in as long as you're still with him. You DO have a life, you just aren't focussing on it! Do you remember how things were before May? Before you and your MM met? Started the A? Who was that woman..Where is she? Who were her friends? Her daily routine? Her family? Her interests, her hobbies? Don't measure your self worth and your life all because of him. If he died tomorrow - (Sick thought, sorry) your life would go on. Somehow, you'd survive, grieve the loss and heal. You'd continue with what you have now IN your life. Right? When you're ready to walk away, you will. 1
Author Mount Posted September 17, 2012 Author Posted September 17, 2012 (edited) Hi WWI, where were you earlier as I was waiting for you:bunny::bunny: Your words are so gentle...and lovely to hear. Seriously, I really DON'T have a life. Before and after carrying on A with the MM, I did not change that much in my life. I still don't have many friends, I still have my (very) limited hobbies, my daily routine does not change at all, my family is still on the another side of earth. ONLY, I have the extra - the MM. So what I am going to do now.:sick: BTW, what you were saying that he died tomorrow....he is much elder than me, so you are not totally wrong....(just kidding). My Mountie.. No other man will compare. Looks, scent wise, physically or emotionally to you because you're still in the affair. Your emotions and heart won't allow anybody else in as long as you're still with him. You DO have a life, you just aren't focussing on it! Do you remember how things were before May? Before you and your MM met? Started the A? Who was that woman..Where is she? Who were her friends? Her daily routine? Her family? Her interests, her hobbies? Don't measure your self worth and your life all because of him. If he died tomorrow - (Sick thought, sorry) your life would go on. Somehow, you'd survive, grieve the loss and heal. You'd continue with what you have now IN your life. Right? When you're ready to walk away, you will. Edited September 17, 2012 by Mount
whichwayisup Posted September 17, 2012 Posted September 17, 2012 Been a busy weekend.. What can you do to make your life more exciting and fulfilled (without relying on MM)? I'm not going to convince you (aka kick your butt) right now to end your affair because obviously you're no where near wanting it to be over. He can still be in your life but don't rely on him as much as you are now. You can detach. Include him less on what is going on with you and not asking questions about his life etc. MAKE new friends. Do some fun hobbies! Pottery, photography, tennis, anything to get you out and meeting people. Hmm, you could move back to where your family is. Just a thought! 1
MissBee Posted September 17, 2012 Posted September 17, 2012 Been a busy weekend.. What can you do to make your life more exciting and fulfilled (without relying on MM)? I'm not going to convince you (aka kick your butt) right now to end your affair because obviously you're no where near wanting it to be over. He can still be in your life but don't rely on him as much as you are now. You can detach. Include him less on what is going on with you and not asking questions about his life etc. MAKE new friends. Do some fun hobbies! Pottery, photography, tennis, anything to get you out and meeting people. Hmm, you could move back to where your family is. Just a thought! Good suggestion! It is NEVER a good idea to make one person your world...worse yet, a person married to another person, who is secretly "dating you". It may feel somewhat comforting and secure, but it's an illusion. You don't have anything stable with him and at any moment it could end, leaving you feeling even lonelier and used. Even if he were your regular, single boyfriend it would still be unhealthy to rely on him for everything! Relationships like that are stifling. I agree that you should start detaching by picking up a new hobby, look online for a class in your area that's about something you find fun, put yourself out there more to meet new people and maybe even try dating, online is a start if you're into that. I know how it feels to move to a new place with no core group of friends/family around, but you have to actively seek ways to become involved with people and find a group.Simply tying yourself to a MM as your sole source of support is just a bad recipe.
Author Mount Posted September 17, 2012 Author Posted September 17, 2012 (edited) No, I don't solely reply on him as my world, the MM might wish though so he would always have me. But no, I have been alone all the time (only child), and I am used to be alone. As I pointed out in other threads, I never stop dating, but other posters were saying I am not fair to those single guys...etc. Also I was not just moving to a new place, I was moving by myself from one continent to another continent on earth. Good suggestion! It is NEVER a good idea to make one person your world...worse yet, a person married to another person, who is secretly "dating you". It may feel somewhat comforting and secure, but it's an illusion. You don't have anything stable with him and at any moment it could end, leaving you feeling even lonelier and used. Even if he were your regular, single boyfriend it would still be unhealthy to rely on him for everything! Relationships like that are stifling. I agree that you should start detaching by picking up a new hobby, look online for a class in your area that's about something you find fun, put yourself out there more to meet new people and maybe even try dating, online is a start if you're into that. I know how it feels to move to a new place with no core group of friends/family around, but you have to actively seek ways to become involved with people and find a group.Simply tying yourself to a MM as your sole source of support is just a bad recipe. Edited September 17, 2012 by Mount
ThatJustHappened Posted September 17, 2012 Posted September 17, 2012 (edited) No, I don't solely reply on him as my world, the MM might wish though so he would always have me. But no, I have been alone all the time (only child), and I am used to be alone. As I pointed out in other threads, I never stop dating, but other posters were saying I am not fair to those single guys...etc. Also I was not just moving to a new place, I was moving by myself from one continent to another continent on earth. I can relate to parts of your situation. I was an only child too and my mom (a single parent..I've never met my father) passed away a few years ago..since then I have not been very close to my extended family, and even if I were, I live 3000 miles away from them (for work). I have lost both my boyfriend and my best friend within the last year. I understand feeling weak, and I understand loneliness better than anyone else I know. I admit that I do find it difficult to feel sympathy for OWs a lot of the time..I disagree with your choices and your ethics, and I really really hope you have the strength to walk away from your affair soon, but I just thought I'd let you know that you're not alone. Nobody is going to save you from it, you have to do that yourself. I hope you will consider therapy if you're not already in it..it's really helped me. Edited September 17, 2012 by ThatJustHappened
Owl Posted September 18, 2012 Posted September 18, 2012 Mount...you are right where you have chosen to be. And you'll stay there until the pain of the situation outweighs the pleasure of the situation... Right now, you have no motivation to change because you enjoy the situation more than it hurts you...and you're unable to look ahead and see the pain that's going to come. That's ok...it is what it is. My only real advice would be to come back when that pain truly does start to increase to the point where you're honestly thinking about change.
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