How to keep a guy interested when you're not together?

[FlintRiver]

So I'm in an extremely fuc*** up situation, and I don't even feel comfortable writing all about it on the internet. So I'm going to generalize it and say that I'm a college student who has been un-officially seeing a guy at home (six hours away), who I really do love. However, I don't know exactly how he feels, though I know he still cares about me a lot and likes me. But due to the specific situation, we really can't be together. But I care about him too much to break it off, and it's just nice to have someone there to talk to and see when I go home. I know I'll never stop loving him, but I am waiting for someone else to come along who I can actually have a future with.

 

In the meantime, I want to stay close to this guy. I know the relationship can't happen, but I left while I still had strong feelings for the guy. Both of us are free to see other people, and our relationship isn't really going to ever "end," because I know we could see each other no matter what changes in our lives, but I want to keep it strong.

 

And I know I'm over-analyzing everything and he probably sees nothing in any of this, but hell I'm a girl I can't help it. I have an awesome social life here and am thriving in college, but this guy's still on my mind.

 

So here's the dilemma. I've been in college for a little over a month, and while it's been a blast it's not been a walk in the park either. I know that making a guy work for you is the best way to keep him coming back, but it's so hard for me to not talk to him for four days and wait around. And when I do that, I don't know if he feels like he wants to come find me or whether he just knows I'm busy and he will wait for me to call. Because the past few times I've waited, I've ended up texting him and he's replied immediately and been really nice and talkative. (He HATES texting. He never texts me, though he will reply if I text him. When he bothers to type more than four words I know he really cares haha.) He likes talking on the phone though, but I don't like calling him first. We talked every three or so days for the first month, but over the past two weeks we've only talked twice. I doubt that means anything but I really do like hearing his voice.

 

We've been seeing each other for about a year, so it's not like it's fresh and I need to win him over. But it's not set in stone, and I don't want him to get bored. When I first left, my biggest fear was that he'd not miss me and that we'd grow apart and he'd find other girls at home to occupy his time. But for the first few weeks he did the opposite. We talked on the phone more than ever, he sent sweet texts (something he never does), and he told me that you don't always realize what you're going to miss until it's gone. But every day I get nervous that he's going to stop missing me. I'm not sure how to balance the "letting him know I still really like him" part with the "I don't want to annoy him and seem needy" part.

 

I'm supposed to be going home this weekend and I was going to see him. I'm thinking about somehow asking him how much he wants me to come home and that there's something going on this weekend here that I'd like to go to. But in reality I'd much rather go see him than go to this event (it's a dog wash for the Pre-vet club), but I want to make him know that my world doesn't revolve around him. I know that if I make it sound too much like I want to stay here, he'll insist that I stay and don't come home. I know he wants me to enjoy college and not be tied to home. (I haven't told him I missed home at all, but I've told him that I miss him.) But if I make it sound too much like I want to come home, then asking him defeats the whole purpose of making him feel like he's not got me in the palm of his hand. I could text or call him but I can't decide which. I was thinking about texting him and just saying, "Do you want me to come home this weekend?" Or is that too open and scary for him? (We did discuss me coming home this weekend, but he couldn't guarantee he'd be free this next weekend because he never plans that far ahead. I want to make him work for me. I'm not just running off home to go see him. If he can't show me that he wants me to come home, I just won't.) And yet I desperately want to see him. If I don't go this weekend, I'll have to wait two more weeks and I won't have seen him for a month and a half by the time I go back.

 

It's Sunday, and I won't be going home until next Friday. I texted him yesterday and Friday and we swapped three messages each, but I told him yesterday that I'd talk to him later because I know he hates texting. He didn't reply after that. I was thinking about asking him to "call me today if he happened to be bored, because this psych chapter is trying to put me to sleep and I'd like to hear about how things were going at home." That would probably make him think I wanted to just chat for a while, which could make him not want to call. I was thinking that if I texted him that, if he called I'd know he still cared and if he didn't I'd be more forceful about asking him if he wants me to come home. Bad or good idea?

 

Sorry that was so long. Thanks for reading, and please give me some advice! I appreciate it, y'all!

Edited September 16, 2012 by FlintRiver

[NoMoreJerks]

Imo, theres nothing you can do to keep him interested. He either is, or is not. If he doesnt call you for days and you expect or want him to, communicate that to him, and if he tells you he needs space and that u are asking for too much from him, run in the opposite direction. Some men are lazy and dont want to go out of their comfort zone. If he doesnt like texting or calling, it doesnt mean he shouldnt call or text. If he were interested, he would get over his childish dislike (especially if he dislikes calling but does text). I, for one, needed something more physical from my LD bf than a text. I needed to hear his voice a few times a weel and he didnt want that. He preferred no relationship to a relationshipnthat cost him a few minutes of his time per day. His loss, though. You cant keep him interested if he is not. And dont ever think of talking about sex stuff with him, because if he might be a sexnaddict or have an addictive personality and u will find that soon enoug all hos txts are sex related. Been there, done that. Never again. **** that. He should be interested in me for who i ak, not for what i try to do to keep him hooked.

[NoMoreJerks]

Also, test the waters, why wait around for him to call? Call him once. See if he picks up. If he doesnt, dont text or call him until he calls and explains why he did not pick up.

[justwhoiam]

I'm a college student who is in an un-official relationship with a guy at home (six hours away), who I really do love. However, I don't know exactly how he feels, though I know he still cares about me a lot and likes me. But due to the specific situation, we really can't be together. But I care about him too much to break it off, and it's just nice to have someone there to talk to and see when I go home. I know I'll never stop loving him, but I am waiting for someone else to come along who I can actually have a future with.

 

In the meantime, I want to stay close to this guy. I know the relationship can't happen, but I left while what we had still had a lot of flame and I want to keep it going. Both of us are free to see other people

Before you moving to college city, was the relationship open? Were you both or one of you dating other people?

 

You clearly don't see yourself with him in the future, and chances are he's aware of that. With that on his mind, he's not going to invest much on you, though he doesn't mind enjoying your company for now. The first girl who comes along and is worth his attention will be the one taking him away from you. No matter what your deal is now, he'll choose a devoted girl soon or later and leave a cold friendship for you, if anything.

 

I know that making a guy work for you is the best way to keep him coming back

This sounds like a game you're playing. I don't think it works in the long run. Guys hate games. You can't keep a guy like that IMO.

 

You want him missing you and longing for you, while you want to come across as indifferent. This might drop his interest. Maybe not, but you're taking a risk with that attitude. Nevertheless, you're afraid to scare him out if you look too needy. See, to me you went wrong with the deal you made at home. You told him you'll always be there for him in some way, so what's he gonna lose? Nothing. He doesn't need you as a girlfriend, because he thinks that if the occasion raised, you would be that to him with no need for a relationship. In short, you don't need commitment from him. And he's not giving you that. But I guess he will need that soon or later, and when he finds that kind of deal with another girl, you can say bye bye to him.

 

So, I would say, try to understand what you really want from him. If it's just someone to talk to and reconnect when you go home, you already have that. For now. Until he's free. If you want something more, playing these games is not the best way to go.

 

So what do you really want?

[FlintRiver]

Imo, theres nothing you can do to keep him interested. He either is, or is not. If he doesnt call you for days and you expect or want him to, communicate that to him, and if he tells you he needs space and that u are asking for too much from him, run in the opposite direction. Some men are lazy and dont want to go out of their comfort zone. If he doesnt like texting or calling, it doesnt mean he shouldnt call or text. If he were interested, he would get over his childish dislike (especially if he dislikes calling but does text). I, for one, needed something more physical from my LD bf than a text. I needed to hear his voice a few times a weel and he didnt want that. He preferred no relationship to a relationshipnthat cost him a few minutes of his time per day. His loss, though. You cant keep him interested if he is not. And dont ever think of talking about sex stuff with him, because if he might be a sexnaddict or have an addictive personality and u will find that soon enoug all hos txts are sex related. Been there, done that. Never again. **** that. He should be interested in me for who i ak, not for what i try to do to keep him hooked.

 

Thank you for the advice!! And I liked your idea about testing the waters. He doesn't mind talking on the phone at all. We're both just usually too busy to talk, but he hates TEXTING. And if I do call him, he always calls me back. We've never talked about anything physical over the phone or text. He always just asks how I'm doing and lets me tell him stories and I try to make him talk (when we're together in person he does most of the talking) but he just wants to hear about college. I almost wish he'd be more willing to say "physical" things haha. Really, I just never know how often to contact him. I try to go at least a day or two before I call or text him again. What's reasonable? I can tell you learned from the *******s. Good for you.

[FlintRiver]

Before you moving to college city, was the relationship open? Were you both or one of you dating other people?

 

You clearly don't see yourself with him in the future, and chances are he's aware of that. With that on his mind, he's not going to invest much on you, though he doesn't mind enjoying your company for now. The first girl who comes along and is worth his attention will be the one taking him away from you. No matter what your deal is now, he'll choose a devoted girl soon or later and leave a cold friendship for you, if anything.

 

I really can't answer this without explaining everything haha. Before I left, the relationship was a secret fling. We both saw other people and were only together in secret. We spent time together outside of his house only as friends. I knew he liked me, but I still wondered if I was just for fun. I really felt something more for him. I didn't WANT to date other people, and he's NOT going to date other people. Trust me on that one. Or, if he does date he said it's not serious and I do believe him, based on the circumstances. But after I left, he started calling me and asking how I was and just talking. He's never tried to start sexual talks or anything, and I gathered from that that he really does care about me. He wouldn't bother to talk to me like that if he didn't care.

 

This sounds like a game you're playing. I don't think it works in the long run. Guys hate games. You can't keep a guy like that IMO.

 

You want him missing you and longing for you, while you want to come across as indifferent. This might drop his interest. Maybe not, but you're taking a risk with that attitude. Nevertheless, you're afraid to scare him out if you look too needy. See, to me you went wrong with the deal you made at home. You told him you'll always be there for him in some way, so what's he gonna lose? Nothing. He doesn't need you as a girlfriend, because he thinks that if the occasion raised, you would be that to him with no need for a relationship. In short, you don't need commitment from him. And he's not giving you that. But I guess he will need that soon or later, and when he finds that kind of deal with another girl, you can say bye bye to him.

 

The way we got together was basically a game. We actually did like each other, but the limits of the relationship made it so much more...passionate? I never really told him I'd always be there, but I may have made it clear. I'm not sure. I don't think he'll ever replace me, since no matter what else he does we can still do what we've always done, but it scares me nonetheless. What if he accidentally fell in love with someone else? But since I know he's not looking for that at all, I don't think he's ever going to just walk away.

 

 

So, I would say, try to understand what you really want from him. If it's just someone to talk to and reconnect when you go home, you already have that. For now. Until he's free. If you want something more, playing these games is not the best way to go.

 

So what do you really want?

 

You are very insightful haha. You just figured out what I've been feeling, but was unable to explain. I don't know what I want. I think what I want is just to stay close to him throughout college and see what happens after. I would love commitment, but we both know that's out of the question. But I think I do want something more, eventually. Or at least I think that until something can change my heart. What I'd like to do it let things be natural and maybe he'll end up feeling something serious for me. If that happened, we could let fate do its thing. But otherwise I know we'll always just be the way we are. How do I make him like me more when we only get to text and talk on the phone? I feel like it would be hard to start liking someone MORE when that's the only interaction you get. Also, how to I balance showing him that I do seriously care with scaring him and making him feel like he should actually end things because I'm getting too serious? I don't want to be too forward or too boring. What's reasonable or acceptable for this situation?

[bluegreen]

When man is interested he chases you no question about it that he wants you any way he can gets you wherever he can gets you when only woman is interested SHE chases HIM .

[NoMoreJerks]

Thank you for the advice!! And I liked your idea about testing the waters. He doesn't mind talking on the phone at all. We're both just usually too busy to talk, but he hates TEXTING. And if I do call him, he always calls me back. We've never talked about anything physical over the phone or text. He always just asks how I'm doing and lets me tell him stories and I try to make him talk (when we're together in person he does most of the talking) but he just wants to hear about college. I almost wish he'd be more willing to say "physical" things haha. Really, I just never know how often to contact him. I try to go at least a day or two before I call or text him again. What's reasonable? I can tell you learned from the *******s. Good for you.

Well, my ex texted me throughout the day, both on the phone and on an Android app called Viber. He called every now and then (once a week was not unusual), but I wanted him to call more often, given that he was going to be away for at least a month, and I needed to hear his voice because I missed him. He didn't like that, and felt too "pressured." I never called him myself, except once, the day before we broke up, and he did not pick up the phone (deliberately, I believe). I guess that was a mistake on my part, that I never called him. But I am sure that if I had started to get into the habit of calling him, he would've told me I was smothering him even more. He just didn't like talking on the phone when he was abroad, allegedly, regardless of who did the calling, I'm guessing. I don't know. I will never find out, I guess. Honestly, I don't think there is a "right" way to go about it, as long as you're doing everything in moderation... in other words, not calling him 5 times a day. I would honestly be happy with one call per day, a 5 minute conversation, just a hi, how was your day, I miss you, etc. I'd be fine with about 3 times during weekdays and once over the weekend. A total of 4 times a week is reasonable, and I don't think it's expecting too much. It really depends on the person, though. Some men don't like getting calls , some don't like placing calls. Some women aren't bothered if their bf's do not call 3-4 times a week... it varies.