visiting "The OTHER Side"

[ComingInHot]

So I just learned that there is another forum on here for OW. I went there, read the beginning of a post, stopped and RAN back here to ask for advise. IS IT HARMFUL OR NOT PRODUCTIVE TO VISIT THE OW SIDE? I have read replies from people who are on the flip side of the triangle and they were, so far, REALLY great and what I thought to be sincere & authentic. I guess I am concerned that my emotions will erupt if I read something similar to my experience and put me back a step or two, OR could it be beneficial to read and gain more perspective...*

[eleanorrigby]

If you are just out of D-Day, I'd suggest sticking to this folder on the forum.

I'hang out on OW forums , and I find it productive. But I wasn't ready for it right out of D-Day and very happy I didn't stumble onto them when I was in my most pain.

[freestyle]

^^^ I agree with ER---it could be very triggering for you.

 

It was for me at first---although I did have desire to understand the psychology behind being an OW/OM.

 

I also had a former best friend who turned out to be a serial OW--I supported her through the first affair. (without approving of it, but I still let her cry on my shoulder)

 

When I went through my betrayal, my attitude changed--I still loved my friend, but when she got into another situation with a taken man--I started to see her in a different light.......

 

 

One thing I did get out of reading the "other side"---is that in some cases, I could see the humanity, and pain, and felt some compassion. In other cases--well...I wanted to throw up, frankly. It did help me to understand that not all APs are cut from the same cloth.

[DBella]

It depends. You could benefit from there. Sometimes I go there to gain some perspective. You can learn a lot of things about the different types of individuals you come across in life. Sometimes you can give and get constructive advice, share experiences and gain perspective from other women who have been or are involved in a triangle. It opens your mind a bit and helps you see things from a whole different point of view.

 

Over there they talk about everything from the other side and sometimes it reminds you that they are not monsters like we always think they are, but also ppl that end up caught up in some messed up situations.

[ComingInHot]

Thanks for all the great feedback on this! I think, so far from what I've read in this side, that I will hang out here for the time being. I am all about finding the good but I don't necessarily think I'm ready to go looking for it when it would just be pouring salt on the wounds and preventing my own healing**

[SidLyon]

There are 3 kinds of OW, only 1 is counterproductive and I have most of those on my ignore list. The other 2 are constructive in different ways.

 

Fortunately the "counterproductive" OW are in the minority at the moment although a few long-termers drop in every now and again.

 

Some post here in this forum too. They are easy to spot.

[Ninja'sHusband]

Somehow OM\OW just was never that interesting to me. The OM in my case was pretty remorseful, so maybe I got a lot of closure because of that.

 

I was far more interested in the "wayward side" over on the SurvivingInfidelity website. I think LS is missing that, a place for the WSs to post.

 

But yeah sometimes the OM\OW forum here triggers me a little. Most of the time I just stop reading because I can't even comprehend the stupidity of it...

[AnotherRound]

So I just learned that there is another forum on here for OW. I went there, read the beginning of a post, stopped and RAN back here to ask for advise. IS IT HARMFUL OR NOT PRODUCTIVE TO VISIT THE OW SIDE? I have read replies from people who are on the flip side of the triangle and they were, so far, REALLY great and what I thought to be sincere & authentic. I guess I am concerned that my emotions will erupt if I read something similar to my experience and put me back a step or two, OR could it be beneficial to read and gain more perspective...*

 

I think that some are emotionally equipped to handle it, and others not. You seem pretty balanced and open, and I have appreciated your contributions even though I am most recently a FOW. But honestly, I would avoid it if you are still triggering very easily.

 

I do find it interesting that it seems the BSs frequent there and interact more than the others frequent the Marriage boards.

 

And it does help to remember that the people you are interacting with there are most likely not the one involved with your spouse.

 

We are all human, and there is always something to be learned, if you are open to it.

[woinlove]

Somehow OM\OW just was never that interesting to me. The OM in my case was pretty remorseful, so maybe I got a lot of closure because of that.

 

I was far more interested in the "wayward side" over on the SurvivingInfidelity website. I think LS is missing that, a place for the WSs to post.

 

But yeah sometimes the OM\OW forum here triggers me a little. Most of the time I just stop reading because I can't even comprehend the stupidity of it...

 

That would be interesting. Some OW refer to this as a forum for BS, but that isn't correct. This forum is meant for both the wayward and betrayed spouses, whether they are reconciling, divorcing or in limbo, and it is also meant for OW/OM who are married. Typically the WS who post here are of the reconciling side, otherwise they seem to post in OW/OM if they can (i.e. if the OW/OM is also married). I suspect if there was a WS section, many BS would frequent that to better understand the WS side, but as it is the closest they can get is the OW/OM forum. Personally, I don't think the OW/OM forum gives real insight into WS, and often it propagates misconceptions about WS. Really all three sides of the triangle have their own role and perspective.

[ComingInHot]

I was wondering about the infidelity side as I initially thought that only BS's would be posting, but it makes sense that it is for ALL involved in infidelity. I was pleasantly surprised when FOW & OW that posted here seemed just as understanding as ( hopefully) I am* It was wen I read the opening of a thread over there w/the first couple comments that I felt uneasy and realized there are still some differences between the boards. But that is alright for me right now. I know my limits (EXCEPT for that Paid back guy) I think I was a littlt over the top w/my response & let my emotions take over). Not saying I was Wrong BUT it was proof to me that something about this guy triggered the ugliness in me. That bothers me. So for now, I'm hang in here**

[ComingInHot]

LHF: You are exactly right! I completely know you & the other OW's are NOT my husband's FOW* That is why I posted my original thread. I would NEVER want my thoughts & feelings towards the OW in my triangle to appear when reading/commenting on any other posts. I do fear that for now that might happen if I continued reading strictly OW posts. I try to see my limitations emotionally as well as intellectually so as to protect not just myself but other innocent parties having nothing to do with my triangle. I don't want to use anyone a a punching bag. I know how that feels in my own life. I have REALLY appreciated ALL the comments so far from everyone! Thank you*

[underwater2010]

I find that visiting the OW/OM forum helps me. I will warn you that there are a few on that forum that find no issue with what they are doing. I find it easier to just ignore those few. It can be hard to do. But most are willing to help with questions you may have. I promise it does get better.

[BetrayedH]

I was far more interested in the "wayward side" over on the SurvivingInfidelity website. I think LS is missing that, a place for the WSs to post.

 

I found that forum to also be particularly helpful for me to understand what my wife was perhaps thinking and experiencing while we were reconciling. For a long while, I read there more than anywhere. In fact, I felt like I bonded with several WSs over there (which is rather remarkable in my mind considering how badly I was hurt by one). They also really have an amazing base of remorseful WSs that are VERY helpful to newbie WSs that may want to reconcile but really have no clue. What I find interesting is that those WS long-time posters have the same advice as the BS advice over here. They are even quicker to call-out bull**** when they see it because they did it themselves. I really began to see a human side to affairs in general. Since being here, I delve into the OM/OW forum on occassion and found a lot of OW that were simply "played." sometimes they never knew the man was married, sometimes they found out later and left, sometimes they found out later but had already fallen in love, many just got plain ole lied to and repeatedly. I see a lot of pain in that part of the triangle. Of course, some are completely unremorseful and still active.

 

What (I think) I learned is that there are rarely bad "people." There are bad decisions and we have all made plenty of those. The ones that realize their mistakes and stop making bad decisions get a lot of leeway with me. A bad decision does not have to define you, especially if you stop and try to make amends. Generally, my approach is to argue the ethics of one decision over another and to try to lead people to the ethical decision in their situation and that takes the personal judgment of the person out of the equation.

 

But I am still human and watching those that are actively lying and doing things that are otherwise harmful (exposing faithful partners to STDs and so forth) with no remorse or intent to stop can get my emotions worked up, too.

[William]

Since this forum is tasked to discuss one's own affair or being committed to a person who's having an affair and is not tasked for discussion of other LoveShack forums/forum communities, I'll close this up. The Water Cooler or Questions and Comments would be the appropriate forums for such discussions.