davidjor Posted September 16, 2012 Posted September 16, 2012 Ok, well i need some advice. I have a girl that works for me, she is married however she isnt't happily married. For the last two months we wile working together we have became very close, she would text all the time, every morning, night and throught the day. It seemed thougt we really have a connection. In the beginning of August, my employees had a BD party for me well we were all drinking and one thing led to another we started kissing. Since, then we kissed every night before she left work. We haven't done much other than a little touchy feely, other than kiss. I have implied several times that I wanted to be with her sexually, and she has refused to put herself in the situation where that could happen. She said she did not want to deal with the guilt of CHEATING on her husband. Which I totally understand, the weird part is she tells me all the time that she loves me and misses me. I'm confused... really confused. She told me they other day she loved her husband but was not in love with him. Anyone, do I continue this or just stop. If I stop, how do I go about it with her. We have developed an amazing friendship in which I enjoy, however its hard for me to be friends with her since I have developed much stonger feelings for her. Confused.. 1
Ladydrib Posted September 16, 2012 Posted September 16, 2012 Ok, well i need some advice. I have a girl that works for me, she is married however she isnt't happily married. For the last two months we wile working together we have became very close, she would text all the time, every morning, night and throught the day. It seemed thougt we really have a connection. In the beginning of August, my employees had a BD party for me well we were all drinking and one thing led to another we started kissing. Since, then we kissed every night before she left work. We haven't done much other than a little touchy feely, other than kiss. I have implied several times that I wanted to be with her sexually, and she has refused to put herself in the situation where that could happen. She said she did not want to deal with the guilt of CHEATING on her husband. Which I totally understand, the weird part is she tells me all the time that she loves me and misses me. I'm confused... really confused. She told me they other day she loved her husband but was not in love with him. Anyone, do I continue this or just stop. If I stop, how do I go about it with her. We have developed an amazing friendship in which I enjoy, however its hard for me to be friends with her since I have developed much stonger feelings for her. Confused.. Think about the pain and confusion you are feeling right now. Okay, got that in your mind? Now multiply it by 100. It's only going to get harder as you let this go on longer. Get out while it's easier.
Author davidjor Posted September 16, 2012 Author Posted September 16, 2012 ok then, how do I get out of this....?
Ladydrib Posted September 16, 2012 Posted September 16, 2012 ok then, how do I get out of this....? Tell her it's unprofessional what you guys have been doing. Tell her that she's married and you don't want to get any further into that mess. Set the boundaries now. No more touching, kissing, flirting, emotional talk, personal talk,etc. Nothing but required work dialogue. And mean it and stick to it! Did you say you're her boss?
CarrieT Posted September 16, 2012 Posted September 16, 2012 She said she did not want to deal with the guilt of CHEATING on her husband. She is already CHEATING so there is guilt to be had. You two are in an emotional affair that is on the brink of a physical affair - touchy/feely kisses is practically an affair without penetration anyway - so unless you want it to escalate, STOP IT IMMEDIATELY. Tell her you have to put a stop to it since she is unavailable. Block her texts and lay off her physically.
whichwayisup Posted September 17, 2012 Posted September 17, 2012 ok then, how do I get out of this....? You tell her that you do love her, but cannot be the OM in her life as you deserve better and more..And she's unable to provide that. Let her know that if she actually puts a plan together WITH ACTIONS, then you'd consider dating her in a proper way once she is divorced and some time has gone by for her to be on her own and grow/grieve the loss of the life she once shared with her husband. Give her a year but you go on with your life. Date others. If her marriage is to end, let it be because she truly is NOT in love with her husband anymore and its just not working for her.
Author davidjor Posted September 17, 2012 Author Posted September 17, 2012 Well,l I think your right she is having some guilt. Now that I am emotionally attached she has started pulling away. I closed my restaurant for a few weeks and have not seen her. we still text it just seems as though, I am initiating the communications. She tells me she loves me, only after I tell her. She tells me she misses me only after I tell her. She has been strange. I m guessing I should just stop comminucations, and let her figure things out for herself. DAM, I hate that I am in this situation.... IT SUCKS BAD !!
skywriter Posted September 17, 2012 Posted September 17, 2012 [QUOTE=davidjor;4264015]Well,l I think your right she is having some guilt. Now that I am emotionally attached she has started pulling away. I closed my restaurant for a few weeks and have not seen her. we still text it just seems as though, I am initiating the communications. She tells me she loves me, only after I tell her. She tells me she misses me only after I tell her. She has been strange. I m guessing I should just stop comminucations, and let her figure things out for herself. DAM, I hate that I am in this situation.... IT SUCKS BAD !! Sounds like she's getting her ego feed, because when she pulls away, you chase her by initiating communication. Her telling you she loves you, after you tell her. Empty words, with no actions. Get yourself out of this situation. Value yourself and stop allowing her to use you, because your post imply that you are. I've been there, done that ,and the next thing to happen, is her throwing you, under the bus, to save her on ass, should DDay occur.
RickFox Posted September 17, 2012 Posted September 17, 2012 Well,l I think your right she is having some guilt. Now that I am emotionally attached she has started pulling away. I closed my restaurant for a few weeks and have not seen her. we still text it just seems as though, I am initiating the communications. She tells me she loves me, only after I tell her. She tells me she misses me only after I tell her. She has been strange. I m guessing I should just stop comminucations, and let her figure things out for herself. DAM, I hate that I am in this situation.... IT SUCKS BAD !! Yeah, stop all communicating, but there is nothing for her to figuer out. You were simply there to boost her ego, give her the emotional support that she was missing at home. Nothing good will come of it..... I see the "I'm in love with my husband, but not in love with him" line. That's a giant red flag, dude, run and run far and fast. She'll find she's in love with him once again at the expense of your emotions and you'll be left holding the bag while she tells you she wants to work on her marriage..... Quite simply, quit this crap now, while you can before you end up a quivering heap wondering where you went wrong. Oh and never dip your pen in company ink, nothing good comes of it. 2
Justinkar Posted September 17, 2012 Posted September 17, 2012 Wiw..interesting..I would be woman in this post. I had an affair which since has ended. It started out as a friendship, then emotional affair, finally sexual. I was, am, alone in my marriage, but, to afraid or complacent, to leave. I had no thought process during this time. All I knew was that he liked hanging out with me, and visa versa. He would not move to a sexual relationship since I was married. I needed his attention, liked the attention, and, yes I suppose an ego stroke. I had little or no self esteem then. Really didn't care about my husband, he was having his own emotional affair. Was I selfish? Perhaps, but, he didn't seem to mind the attention either. He broke it off several times, and we had no contact on and off for months. He since has left town, and texts occasionally. He has returned twice, and I saw him. The feelings are changed, and I guess we are just "someone" I used to know. I don't know how he felt. He wanted me to get a divorce, and moved on, I guess. I drop a few crumbs now and then, as he does too. He was somewhat toxic, but, at that time I needed him
East7 Posted September 17, 2012 Posted September 17, 2012 OP, take some time to read REAL LIFE stories on this board. A married woman who is having an A is either doing it basically: - Out of boredom. - Revenging her H's infidelity - emotional validation: feeling young, courted, desired, pretty...ect. (especially when H doesn't provide this). Sometimes they do fall in love with the OM but nothing good comes to the end. If she was that miserable in her marriage, she would have moved out, with or without you. If you go on keeping this, get prepared for lots of confusion, headaches and heartaches.. 2
Justinkar Posted September 17, 2012 Posted September 17, 2012 @eaat7.. I agree.. People enter in A for all different reasons, and stay in their marriage for different reasons also. Children, insurance, a place to live, and fear, are some of the few. I know several people that have had An A and married the Op, and those that did not. After a time, all parties comes to terms with the A. Whether, it is a good outcome or not.. Be careful when in one, it is not always greener, but sometimes, the grass on your side is all weeds too!
Author davidjor Posted September 19, 2012 Author Posted September 19, 2012 Is it possible for me to remain friends with her even if I have developed deep feelings for her. I know, I should go totally NC, however its hard. I don't want her to think I am turning my back on her or I am weak. So my question, is it ok to gradually pull away from her, or should I just totally go NC?
sleepie Posted September 19, 2012 Posted September 19, 2012 David, your situation bears a resemblance to mine. Based on what you've written, I'd guess that this girl is looking for fun and attention, enjoying the ego stroke, and has no intention of leaving her H. The things you say--she won't have sex, you have to say "I love you" first, etc., she loves her husband but isn't in love--these are the words of a game player. Someone who is manipulating your emotions to fulfill their own needs and desires. Now, this isn't to say that she doesn't have some type of genuine emotion for you. She may. She may love you in some way. May believe in some way that she wants to be with you. But the way I'm reading it, the odds of her leaving her H and being with you are very, very slim. And though I don't often agree with Alice, I do agree that going NC is not weak. It's a strong thing to do. And the right thing to do in your case.
underwater2010 Posted September 19, 2012 Posted September 19, 2012 Ask her again for more...and when she says she doesn't want to "cheat" on her husband...tell her she already is. You guys are conducting an EA. All the time she is putting into your relationship is time she is taking away from her marriage. And if she doesn't believe she is cheating...ask her how her husband would react if he new you guys were kissing. Sorry that also means you are having a PA. If she is not willing to give you more, then you need to cut the relationship off. Another piece of advice....she can bring you up on sexual harrasement charges at work. There is a reason managers are not supposed to engage in relationships with employees that are under them.
underwater2010 Posted September 19, 2012 Posted September 19, 2012 Is it possible for me to remain friends with her even if I have developed deep feelings for her. I know, I should go totally NC, however its hard. I don't want her to think I am turning my back on her or I am weak. So my question, is it ok to gradually pull away from her, or should I just totally go NC? If you were her husband would you want her to be friends with a man she is just short of boinking? Do not pull away from her slowly. Sit down and write a NC letter and send it. That is all she deserves. Also, I would find a way to get her out of your work place. If you can leave you should do so. Be prepared for her husband to freak out a little. 1
CarrieT Posted September 19, 2012 Posted September 19, 2012 Is it possible for me to remain friends with her even if I have developed deep feelings for her? Not right now. Maybe later - AFTER your feelings for her have subsided and all that is left is an impersonal regard. Then a friendship *might* remain, but not now. I know, I should go totally NC, however its hard. I don't want her to think I am turning my back on her or I am weak. Going NC is showing tremendous strength - not weakness. So my question, is it ok to gradually pull away from her, or should I just totally go NC? I don't think you can gradually pull away. The only way you will be able to disentangle yourself from the situation is like surgery; a deep and complete cut. Total NC.
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