Stuck on Girl, Should I Seek Therapy?

[Scotty Riggs]

I dated a woman this year for nearly two months, the longest I've ever dated someone. We had a fantastic chemistry and values, physical attraction, and could talk for hours. I knew she was recently out of a 3-year relationship which stalled our intimacy, but she seemed to be letting go of this and things were picking up wonderfully. Then suddenly, things came into question with her uncertain if she's ready for a new relationship. I probably didn't handle this as well as I could have and soon she apologized and ended things. Our farewell conversation was very cheerful and nice, but over the next months depression really sunk in.

 

She was the best, most compatible woman I've ever met, and I still think of her obsessively. We share a pretty unique set of values. In the almost 5 months since, I've been dating and gotten nowhere. I have a strong urge to go talk to her in person, but I already called her in June and never heard back. Whether she stayed single, got back with her ex, or is with someone new I've no idea. Waves of sadness and depression hit me every day and I'm afraid of never finding someone right for me. I often cry, and I question who I am and where my life's headed.

 

I turn 26 soon and, then free from my parents' insurance, plan to see a therapist. I wanted to see if anyone here has any other advice on how to deal with my obsession with this woman.

 

Thank you.

Edited September 16, 2012 by Scotty Riggs

[b1663r]

I dated a woman this year for nearly two months, the longest I've ever dated someone. We had a fantastic chemistry and values, physical attraction, and could talk for hours. I knew she was recently out of a 3-year relationship which stalled our intimacy, but she seemed to be letting go of this and things were picking up wonderfully. Then suddenly, things came into question with her uncertain if she's ready for a new relationship. I probably didn't handle this as well as I could have and soon she apologized and ended things. Our farewell conversation was very cheerful and nice, but over the next months depression really sunk in.

 

She was the best, most compatible woman I've ever met, and I still think of her obsessively. We share a pretty unique set of values. In the almost 5 months since, I've been dating and gotten nowhere. I have a strong urge to go talk to her in person, but I already called her in June and never heard back. Whether she stayed single, got back with her ex, or is with someone new I've no idea. Waves of sadness and depression hit me every day and I'm afraid of never finding someone right for me. I often cry, and I question who I am and where my life's headed.

 

I turn 26 soon and, then free from my parents' insurance, plan to see a therapist. I wanted to see if anyone here has any other advice on how to deal with my obsession with this woman.

 

Thank you.

 

Hey Scotty,

 

I am also starting to learn that girls are the most peculiar things especially when they hit their 20s. Also, guys who are genuinely nice tend to have bigger infatuations to really pretty and amazing girls.

 

I get where you are coming from especially the obsessive thinking and the numb feelings you get at times. My suggestion is

 

1) get off these advice sites and online in search of answers. I recently learned that as it seemed, the more I seek answers and guidance, the more I just conflict my own thoughts and not act natural.

 

2)perhaps instead of spending the money on a therapist, seek out a date doctor? there are more girls to guys ratio in the world! So think about it, you are the one who has the find the right one! I am sure there is a real life - "Hitch" running about.

 

3)also try thinking of the negative sides of her, like maybe her laugh was rather annoying, or she was kinda rude at times? this would throw your perspective off and stop thinking of the best features.

 

4) 26 is still young. Fear not!

 

Hope this helps.

[ja123]

Is this the first time in your life that you've felt depressed?

 

Or, have you felt depressed before? If so, what were the circumstances that preceeded the depression?

 

I think it is worth seeking therapy and perhaps a doctor who has training treating depression.

 

If this is really a case of depression, then you should seek treatment.

 

There is a distinction between grieving for a loss and depression.

 

It seems that you are aware that you have depression. I know depression, too. Seek professional help.

[Scotty Riggs]

Thanks for the advice, b1663r.

 

Is this the first time in your life that you've felt depressed?

 

Or, have you felt depressed before? If so, what were the circumstances that preceeded the depression?

I've been like this before. I first had it over a very eccentric, confusing girl in high school over ten years ago, and it's happened with my recent adult dating life. But I didn't expect it to last this long over one girl. I finally met a girl with awesome chemistry and it couldn't even last two damn months. My mood is shifting all over. Today I'm rationing with myself about going and talking to the girl which would probably only result in a loss of dignity. God, this sucks.

[ja123]

What did you do those last times in order to break the cycle of feeling sadness/depression?

[Scotty Riggs]

What did you do those last times in order to break the cycle of feeling sadness/depression?

In high school it was just a matter of it wearing off and my not caring. I wasn't concerned about having a companion back then; I assumed it would just happen. Nowadays when I meet a great new girl, that makes me feel better. I did go out with an awesome girl in July and was feeling good. We had so much in common and planned on going out again after her vacation, but two weeks later, she asked me out, then the next day dumped me for someone else. It really broke my spirit, because it proved that chemistry doesn't even matter.

[ja123]

OK, so the girl you're thinking about now came before the woman you met in July. I think that's a pretty good indicator that it's the state of your not being in a relationship now that is causing you grief.

 

You most certainly could consider talking to a professional about it, but then you could consider doing some proactive things that make you feel good outside the dating relam: sports, seeing friends, etc. as well.

 

Then, you could consider getting back in the saddle and look for some other dating options. Would meeting some new girls and creating new connections be helpful, do you think?

[jobaba]

I dated a woman this year for nearly two months, the longest I've ever dated someone. We had a fantastic chemistry and values, physical attraction, and could talk for hours. I knew she was recently out of a 3-year relationship which stalled our intimacy, but she seemed to be letting go of this and things were picking up wonderfully. Then suddenly, things came into question with her uncertain if she's ready for a new relationship. I probably didn't handle this as well as I could have and soon she apologized and ended things. Our farewell conversation was very cheerful and nice, but over the next months depression really sunk in.

 

She was the best, most compatible woman I've ever met, and I still think of her obsessively. We share a pretty unique set of values. In the almost 5 months since, I've been dating and gotten nowhere. I have a strong urge to go talk to her in person, but I already called her in June and never heard back. Whether she stayed single, got back with her ex, or is with someone new I've no idea. Waves of sadness and depression hit me every day and I'm afraid of never finding someone right for me. I often cry, and I question who I am and where my life's headed.

 

I turn 26 soon and, then free from my parents' insurance, plan to see a therapist. I wanted to see if anyone here has any other advice on how to deal with my obsession with this woman.

 

Thank you.

 

Believe it or not, 5 months is not even such a long time to hold an infatuation. I've had it worse, and am pretty much going through it right now. I've been hung up on a woman forever.

 

Cut all contact and eventually whether you date someone else or not, the feelings will start to fade. That means all contact ... no phone calls, texts, pictures, facebook, nothing, and ignoring all her attempts to contact you.

 

You can do it.

[Mrlonelyone]

I can imagine how you feel.

 

Right now that woman feels so significant but two months isn't long to date at all. Before you know it you will meet someone so fantastic that you forget this woman ever existed.

 

Had you been tangled up with her longer it would be a different story.

[Scotty Riggs]

OK, so the girl you're thinking about now came before the woman you met in July. I think that's a pretty good indicator that it's the state of your not being in a relationship now that is causing you grief.

 

You most certainly could consider talking to a professional about it, but then you could consider doing some proactive things that make you feel good outside the dating relam: sports, seeing friends, etc. as well.

 

Then, you could consider getting back in the saddle and look for some other dating options. Would meeting some new girls and creating new connections be helpful, do you think?

I do think that meeting a girl and making a great connection would help, but it would be with the idea that it will lead to a stable serious relationship. I really need a companion. I'm trying to make some new friends and work on hobbies, but my mind goes through dark patches when I'm sitting at work, driving home, or just doing day-to-day stuff. And my brother that I live with doesn't show much concern for my emotional state, so it just seems like a very lonely, routine, unfulfilling life.

 

I meet all my dates through online dating sites, so I'm on there checking everyday, probably too much. I had a date three weeks ago that wasn't very good.

 

Thanks for the input, everyone. I really appreciate it.

[Princess71]

I understand what you're going through completely. I am going through it now and have before also. You might want to look into the concept of limerence, just google it. I think that's what we have. It sucks. I'm so miserable about it. It's a constant pain that is always there. You are not alone.

[CaptJay]

I do think that meeting a girl and making a great connection would help, but it would be with the idea that it will lead to a stable serious relationship. I really need a companion. I'm trying to make some new friends and work on hobbies, but my mind goes through dark patches when I'm sitting at work, driving home, or just doing day-to-day stuff. And my brother that I live with doesn't show much concern for my emotional state, so it just seems like a very lonely, routine, unfulfilling life.

 

I meet all my dates through online dating sites, so I'm on there checking everyday, probably too much. I had a date three weeks ago that wasn't very good.

 

Thanks for the input, everyone. I really appreciate it.

 

Scotty,

 

Depression can be extremely painful. What you feel is REAL, but it is often difficult to get others to understand. If your brother doesn't act concerned, it could be because he has no idea what you are going through. Unfortunately, explaining it thoroughly often leads to that other person, be it friend, family, etc, still not understanding what you are going through.

 

Therapy can be very helpful. I can't imagine a "date doctor" like Hitch would be less expensive than a therapist. In the short run, such a "doctor" might get you a date, or even laid. But in thew long run, that will do nothing to address your underlying feelings. There is a reason that you feel this way, and have before. That is not right, wrong, bad, or good. It is what it is (and I hate that saying!). By understanding yourself better at your core, you can begin to make sense of these seemingly out-of-control feelings and sort things out.

 

I also like breathing exercises, guided imagry/meditation (the iTunes store has TONS), and living in the now - also called "mindfullness." We waste so much time in life worrying about things that we get consumed. With practice, thinking in the moment will become second nature.

 

cj

[ascendotum]

Believe it or not, 5 months is not even such a long time to hold an infatuation. I've had it worse, and am pretty much going through it right now. I've been hung up on a woman forever.

 

Cut all contact and eventually whether you date someone else or not, the feelings will start to fade. That means all contact ... no phone calls, texts, pictures, facebook, nothing, and ignoring all her attempts to contact you.

 

You can do it.

 

I've had it for longer than 5 mths too. The past few years there were a couple women who had fanatastic personalities (x factor) who I thought I had a great connection with that I became smitten with, but alas who were not looking for a relationship and just happy to drift from f-buddy to f-buddy. OP, if you have not had a stellar love life, then any relaionship makes a pretty big impact on you, and if its a sweet attractive girl thats slightly emotionaly vulnerble coming out of a LTR who connects with you, then the sudden high + drop with your endophins is going to leave you feeling really flat afterwards. Time will help, but its much easier to move on if you have other options.

 

I don't know about therapy...whats he/she going to tell you do you think that will make a difference? Whats that saying, the best way to get over a girl is to get under a new girl. Don't rely on online dating.Try your best to start up conversations with new girls that cross your path and create more opportunities so that it wont be so long between girls, or at least it will help replace this one from such prominance in your mind. I 2nd the advice to do 'proactive things that make you feel good outside the dating relam'.

 

While it is really tempting to see this girl again and get those feelings flooding back, be careful. Only do it if it you can do so in a casual manner just to say hi and how are things going. If you do, don't convey the fact that you are depressed and you need her in your life. Chances are she has a new guy now or least will be feeling more confident in herself now and you will really also need to appear confident and happy with your life. If you do see her and find she is gushing over a new bf or is aloof with you, it just might be the stake through the heart you need to move on from her.

Edited September 19, 2012 by ascendotum