Is it OK making "emotional connections" with someone already in a relationship?

[Teknoe]

I used to think it was flat out wrong to even make emotional connections with a girl (in my case, since I am a straight male) who already has a boyfriend.

 

But now, I'm not so sure life ought to be so black or white in this sense. What if the girl is getting tired of her BF? What if her BF is not treating her right? What if it's a combo of BOTH? And what if you hit it off with her, and there is an undeniable chemistry?

 

There's a girl who I am currently growing more and more attracted to, but she is taken... BUT she is having some BF issues.

 

I still believe married women are completely off limits. But girls with boyfriends who are unhappy, of course, nothing physical until they are single officially, but I don't see anything wrong with making an emotional connection so long as you have enough boundaries to not take it to a physical level.

 

So I'm curious what everyone here thinks.

[Els]

This is probably not going to be the most popular reply here, but, I think it depends on the culture of your social group and how bf/gf relationships are viewed. In more traditional or conservative cultures, marriage is seen as the ultimate end-all-be-all of relationships, and bfs/gfs are seen as a casual sort of relationship, no living together, no sex, etc. In those, probably more 'okay' to get involved. In cultures in which bf/gf is considered a fairly serious commitment (sex, cohabitation, the whole deal), not so okay IMO.

 

I mention this to you because I think you'll happen to fall somewhere in the middle since you're a Christian but also an American, IIRC? If she's in your church, the former would probably apply. But personally I'd advise you to stay away from it unless you think it's really, really, really worth it. Too much drama and potential fallout.

[carhill]

OP, you have a lot of company. That's mainly why women around here are single for ten seconds or less. I remember, for years, waiting until a woman self-identified as single and it was supported by our social circle as self-evident and that was wonderful way of remaining a virgin for all those years. Other single (and some married) men, frankly, didn't care. They hit on women with boyfriends, married women, anything with boobs and legs that walked and looked like they were over the age of consent. The message is there are no rules, at least around here. Follow 'rules' and remain celibate and alone. That's what I'm doing now. I have no energy nor interest in playing that game any more.

 

If you want to play, check your emotions at the door. Live in the moment. The future is irrelevant. Whatever happens, happens. Good luck.

[SteveC80]

I tend to stay away from women in relationships wheter married or just a gf i just dont feel right intruding even if its a failing relatinship

 

Also i believe in keeping a distance from a friends wife/gf even as a friend because the way most women are wired any connection/bond they have with another guy if physical attraction is also there most of them are gonna be highly infatutated they cant help it

 

Ive had numerous friends wives/gf's crush on me because i mad her laugh and we connected sense of humor wise and in general then add in physical attraction and i feel most women will think about straying they are are wired to be connection/bond/emotional react on impulse rather then logic junkies

Edited September 16, 2012 by SteveC80

[Teknoe]

If she's in your church, the former would probably apply. But personally I'd advise you to stay away from it unless you think it's really, really, really worth it. Too much drama and potential fallout.

 

 

Actually, she's unchurched. She's not even Christian. Needless to say, she's a different type of friend than the normal friends I have. I guess in a way, that makes it even more "exciting." I'm just going through a phase where I'm a little rebellious. I still prefer to date and eventually marry a Christian woman, but who's to say this girl won't turn Christian? And who's to say that in our interaction I can't share my testimony and somehow point her toward Christ?

 

I am actually sleeping over Friday night, for better or worse, and just going to see what happens. I do know, I'd like to share with her a little about my testimony if given the opportunity. If nothing else, we can talk about our work week (we're in the same profession so we connect a lot through that)

 

I know many would say I'm going down a slippery slope, but to be frank, at this point a little danger is not something I'm shying away from. Life has to be lived and learned from personal experience.

[MissBee]

I used to think it was flat out wrong to even make emotional connections with a girl (in my case, since I am a straight male) who already has a boyfriend.

 

But now, I'm not so sure life ought to be so black or white in this sense. What if the girl is getting tired of her BF? What if her BF is not treating her right? What if it's a combo of BOTH? And what if you hit it off with her, and there is an undeniable chemistry?

 

There's a girl who I am currently growing more and more attracted to, but she is taken... BUT she is having some BF issues.

 

I still believe married women are completely off limits. But girls with boyfriends who are unhappy, of course, nothing physical until they are single officially, but I don't see anything wrong with making an emotional connection so long as you have enough boundaries to not take it to a physical level.

 

So I'm curious what everyone here thinks.

 

I'm not sure why people make a distinction between physical and emotional....you can have sex with anyone, doesn't mean you're in a relationship or you care about them, so obviously what defines a relationship is not just physical or emotional but both.

 

I think something is very wrong with making emotional connections and it's probably even more dangerous than physical ones. Basically, if you were inlove with your gf and she was making an emotional connection with a man behind your back, how would you feel?

 

If that person is tired of their bf...break up. Move on...you're not married. Don't waste his and your time by staying with him and making emotional connections with other men. Emotional connections often lead to more as well...so why tread on that very thin ice? Why form the connection then kid yourself and say "we won't cross the physical boundary though?" it's usually a slippery slope that doesn't stop and it's already crossing the line once you make the emotional connection.

[KathyM]

You're going down a slippery slope. You gave us the impression that you were trying to grow your faith, trying to become more Christlike, and trusting in God to lead you to someone who shares your faith. Or was that just a temporary commitment? Just something to pick up when you feel like it, and put back on the shelf when you feel like going down another path? The Bible is clear that we are not supposed to be unequally yolked with unbelievers. This is not a romantic relationship that you, as a Christian, should be pursuing. And there is good reason for that. An unbeliever is not going to share your values, your beliefs, your attitudes, and is not going to guide you in your faith and help you to stay strong in your faith. An unbeliever is going to weaken your faith, lead you down the wrong path, and tempt you with things that are not God's will. If your faith means anything to you, then you will trust that God's plan is what you need to focus on, and not be led astray. Right now, you are considering taking a worldly path to reach your goal of finding a romantic partner, and if you do that, then you are rejecting God's path. Consider this a test of your faith. God is probably testing you right now to see how serious you are about your commitment to Him, and testing how strong your trust is in Him. Don't fail this test. It will set you back in your faith, and is not God's will for your life. Guard your heart, and do not make a romantic emotional connection with an unbeliever. Don't even put yourself in that situation to see where it goes.

[GirlontheLam]

I have this problem right now. I am not sure how I feel about it. Basically, I met someone who is taken (and wasn't forthcoming about that info for a while) but we really clicked personality wise. (As in we are very similar and have similar values, upbringings, and opinions on lots of things)

 

I would like to be friends. And I think he does too. But what I am not really sure of is what his girlfriend knows. Platonic male friends are no problem for me, but it seems weird to start a new friendship without some sort of existing social relationship (i.e. mutual friends or something) the circumstances in this case are a little suspect.

 

My opinion is that it is tricky and depends a lot on the circumstances and people involved. It sounds like in your case it might be a little sketchy. In my case, I am proceeding with caution.

[Teknoe]

You're going down a slippery slope. You gave us the impression that you were trying to grow your faith, trying to become more Christlike, and trusting in God to lead you to someone who shares your faith. Or was that just a temporary commitment? Just something to pick up when you feel like it, and put back on the shelf when you feel like going down another path? The Bible is clear that we are not supposed to be unequally yolked with unbelievers. This is not a romantic relationship that you, as a Christian, should be pursuing. And there is good reason for that. An unbeliever is not going to share your values, your beliefs, your attitudes, and is not going to guide you in your faith and help you to stay strong in your faith. An unbeliever is going to weaken your faith, lead you down the wrong path, and tempt you with things that are not God's will. If your faith means anything to you, then you will trust that God's plan is what you need to focus on, and not be led astray. Right now, you are considering taking a worldly path to reach your goal of finding a romantic partner, and if you do that, then you are rejecting God's path. Consider this a test of your faith. God is probably testing you right now to see how serious you are about your commitment to Him, and testing how strong your trust is in Him. Don't fail this test. It will set you back in your faith, and is not God's will for your life. Guard your heart, and do not make a romantic emotional connection with an unbeliever. Don't even put yourself in that situation to see where it goes.

 

 

Kathy, I might have overstated my romantic interest in her. I think we're really just friends and nothing beyond that will ever happen.

 

Know what the ironic thing is? My 2 day gig? It's a men's conference at my church. I'm actually looking for an opportunity to share my testimony to her Friday night at the sleepover. Two things: I recently emailed her letting her know about my teaching week... one of the things I mentioned was at my school this week I was in charge of doing devotion. I told her I forgot and so shared my testimony instead. I said after sharing, my co-teachers cried or gave me a thumbs up. I'm sure this may stir up some curiosity so that she might ask me Friday "So, what is your life story, anyway?" Then I can witness.

 

Also, she'll ask where I came from. I'll tell her about the conference and what it is. Right now, she thinks it's a teacher related conference me thinks. So, plenty of opportunities to witness. Though, in an ironic setting.

 

I highly doubt anything physical will happen. Maybe 2 weeks ago when she offered me to crash out of the blue, but not this time as the nature of the crashing is a bit different. Maybe I'm just rationalizing it. Then again, this is a real chance to witness to someone who does not have a relationship with Christ. Overall, I have peace with it and it's something I am going to follow through with, unless she cancels, which to me would be a sign that the Lord has closed the door.

 

She is a friend that I value. Some might look at her and say she is a sinner, but then again, so are all of us. Who are we to judge?

 

And what if the Holy Spirit uses me to minister to her at the sleepover? We know that magical things happen in the midnight hour... where a piercing conversation on life and faith can redirect someone's footsteps in the right path. I won't be sleeping in the same bed. I'm not sure about same room, but as long as it's separate beds I'm fine with that. A lot of my greatest thought-provoking conversations have happened in the middle of the night... pitch black darkness... where you can only hear each other's voice and sharing life memories.

 

You may say I'm trying to rationalize it, but I feel peace about it, and it's something I'm going to go through with, live with, and learn from whatever lessons there are to take away from this. We'll see how the Lord moves in this. For the record, she and I have already had some faith-related discussions. She doesn't seem too high on Christianity, but she likes me (as a friend) despite my beliefs. As Paul said, I can witness and I might be the only Bible she ever reads.

Edited September 17, 2012 by Teknoe

[amaysngrace]

I think it's fine. You are just friends at the moment. You sound like you have good judgment.

 

Why pose this question? Are you trying to get blasted?

[Teknoe]

I think it's fine. You are just friends at the moment. You sound like you have good judgment.

 

Why pose this question? Are you trying to get blasted?

 

Thanks.

 

I posed it because it's the net, and it's free to ask and it's interesting to read different opinions from varying walks of life.

 

I think it's a good chance to witness in an unusually effective setting. There's just something about the middle of the night... darkness... where one can ironically see the clearest. A candle can light up the darkest room.

[TheFinalWord]

I used to think it was flat out wrong to even make emotional connections with a girl (in my case, since I am a straight male) who already has a boyfriend.

 

But now, I'm not so sure life ought to be so black or white in this sense. What if the girl is getting tired of her BF? What if her BF is not treating her right? What if it's a combo of BOTH? And what if you hit it off with her, and there is an undeniable chemistry?

 

There's a girl who I am currently growing more and more attracted to, but she is taken... BUT she is having some BF issues.

 

I still believe married women are completely off limits. But girls with boyfriends who are unhappy, of course, nothing physical until they are single officially, but I don't see anything wrong with making an emotional connection so long as you have enough boundaries to not take it to a physical level.

 

So I'm curious what everyone here thinks.

 

Well you are going to do what you are going to do. Not going to judge you, I have done the same things in times past. It's why I try to warn other believers not to do it. The fact we do it anyway demonstrates the power of romantic emotions to overpower our will. I will tell you what happened to me.

 

Twice since I have been saved I have been romantically connected with non-Christian girls. Both times I got my heart broke. Long stories with each.

 

Ultimately, I realized they were not going to change. But I made the same rationalizations you are doing "what if I witness to her and she gets saved" When our emotions cause us to second guess God's warnings, we know we are open to deceit. I'm not just throwing that out to judge you, it's from personal experience bro.

 

Last time this happened I felt the Lord impress on my heart "I didn't ask you to witness to someone you are romantically interested in". The thing is, God knows we are too weak for that. When He gives us the ability to witness, He will give us the power to do so. He won't put us in a place in which our heart is vulnerable. In romantic situations, feelings can overpower our senses. It's why the bible says above everything else to guard our heart. As a Believer you know what I mean

 

God Bless.

[Teknoe]

Thank you FinalWord. I was wondering if you were going to put your 2 cents in, and I'm glad you did.

 

Yeah, I hear ya loud and clear. One will do what one has set their mind to. I'm going to go through with it and see what happens. Like I said, I think it's highly unlikely that anything physical will happen. If I were to bet, I bet she probably sees me as the "gay safe friend" so to speak. Even though I'm not gay, lol, but you know what I mean.

 

FWIW, I told my Christian mentor about 2 weeks ago, where she asked if I would crash and I politely declined. He warned me to NEVER speak with her again. I feel that was a little extreme. I haven't yet told him about this though, lol. I know he would not approve, and I don't want to go through that headache. I'm gonna do this on my own, and it's between me and God.

 

After all, it's not every Friday night that I sleep over at a girl's place. There is an element of excitement that comes with this, and also comes with the idea of witnessing to someone who needs Christ. All combined, it is a special night and I haven't had one of those "special nights" in a long while. I highly doubt this will turn out to be one of those "mistake nights" that you tell stories to younger folks 10 years from now warning them about. Like I said, I have peace, and I'm going to see what's what.

[TheFinalWord]

Thank you FinalWord. I was wondering if you were going to put your 2 cents in, and I'm glad you did.

 

Yeah, I hear ya loud and clear. One will do what one has set their mind to. I'm going to go through with it and see what happens. Like I said, I think it's highly unlikely that anything physical will happen. If I were to bet, I bet she probably sees me as the "gay safe friend" so to speak. Even though I'm not gay, lol, but you know what I mean.

 

FWIW, I told my Christian mentor about 2 weeks ago, where she asked if I would crash and I politely declined. He warned me to NEVER speak with her again. I feel that was a little extreme. I haven't yet told him about this though, lol. I know he would not approve, and I don't want to go through that headache. I'm gonna do this on my own, and it's between me and God.

 

After all, it's not every Friday night that I sleep over at a girl's place. There is an element of excitement that comes with this, and also comes with the idea of witnessing to someone who needs Christ. All combined, it is a special night and I haven't had one of those "special nights" in a long while. I highly doubt this will turn out to be one of those "mistake nights" that you tell stories to younger folks 10 years from now warning them about. Like I said, I have peace, and I'm going to see what's what.

 

Welcome I hope it works out okay. I'm not going to tell you what to do. It's your free choice. Really only two ways to learn things. Accept wisdom from others or experience it yourself. I tended to be the latter for a long time. Usually pain is the best teacher.

 

I don't know your mentor, my guess is he probably said that b/c he knows (from experience) how a little romantic interest can turn into a whole lot of mess in not time flat.

 

What I may have said differently, is how do you know how she sees you. More importantly, deep down, what are you wanting from this woman? If it's something romantic, no point in fooling yourself. If I was interested in a girl I would not want to spend a lot of time with her if I knew she wasn't interested in me and I would be secretly pining for her. That's setting yourself up for major heartbreak, Christian or non-Christian relationship. No need to answer here unless you want to. Just some personal reflection.

 

You mention witnessing for Christ. I don't know how you would explain to her that it is okay to spend the night with another woman you're not married to. Most non-Christians know we don't do that. I wonder how that will be perceived by her and if it could affect your testimony. One time I had a Christian group at my house. We hung out late and the one girl wanted to stay the night b/c she was tired (it was like 3 am). I wasn't cool with it (many years ago, now I wouldn't allow it) but I let her. Nothing happens and nothing ever was. We were purely friends. But I wondered how my neighbors perceived that. Here I am saying I'm a Christian and I have a girl leaving my apt. in the morning...just something to chew on.

 

I would recommend if you really want to witness to her, show her that you are different. Don't spend the night and explain why. Also, be true to yourself with what you want from this. If it is more than friends, find out what she wants first. Staying over and having these talks in the dark don't have the power to just change her, they also have the power to change you. You can easily become much more attached to her romantically by spending a lot of time and having deep conversations. One thing about us single Christian guys we tend to overestimate our strength. I would be careful testing your faith when the potential for romantic feelings could develop. Okay, I'll stop now. Be safe friend.

[Els]

Actually, she's unchurched. She's not even Christian. Needless to say, she's a different type of friend than the normal friends I have. I guess in a way, that makes it even more "exciting." I'm just going through a phase where I'm a little rebellious. I still prefer to date and eventually marry a Christian woman, but who's to say this girl won't turn Christian? And who's to say that in our interaction I can't share my testimony and somehow point her toward Christ?

 

I am actually sleeping over Friday night, for better or worse, and just going to see what happens. I do know, I'd like to share with her a little about my testimony if given the opportunity. If nothing else, we can talk about our work week (we're in the same profession so we connect a lot through that)

 

I know many would say I'm going down a slippery slope, but to be frank, at this point a little danger is not something I'm shying away from. Life has to be lived and learned from personal experience.

 

Hmmm. I actually agree with the bolded, but personally my concern is more one of ethics than its actual effects on you. I may not be a religious Christian, but one of the more apt verses that I have found in the Bible is, "Do unto others as you would like others to do unto you." Meaning, how would you feel if your gf was having sleepovers with a man who was happily encouraging her to greater emotional closeness despite knowing of her relationship with you?

 

Also, being a close friend to her is one thing, but sleeping over is a different beast entirely, that almost completely crosses into physical intimacy territory. Yes, even if no sex happens.

 

I don't think you need to stop being good friends with her, but I do feel you should turn down the sleepover. Show her and yourself that you respect the basic boundaries and ethics of relationships.

[A O]

I still believe married women are completely off limits. But girls with boyfriends who are unhappy, of course, nothing physical until they are single officially, but I don't see anything wrong with making an emotional connection so long as you have enough boundaries to not take it to a physical level.

Turn things around - would you be happy if a girlfriend of yours forms a connection with another guy and this guy has the same intentions as you? If you're down with that then you're good to go.

 

Personally, there's enough single women in this world to connect with, don't need to fiddle around with a taken girlie although there is nothing wrong with forming connections with said women if the intent really is just friendship based.

[Teknoe]

Thanks for your 2 cents, everyone.

 

Update: I just shot her an email. It was brief, and to the point. I basically asked her to check with her BF, because even though I don't know him, I know different guys have different sensitivity levels to guy friends sleeping over at their GF's.

 

Told her if he's uncomfortable in any way, it's fine and I can sleep at home no big deal.

 

I called myself a "buddy" in the email and so I made it clear that's what I want us to be. Just buddies with a teaching connection.

 

I feel peace now, because it lets her know I'm not out to be a homewrecker, and it's out there in the open. We're just friends, and if it offends her BF in any way, then I won't crash.

 

So we'll see what happens. If she says all good, I'll crash. If not, I won't. I won't overthink it beyond that. I said what I had to say, and the rest is up to her.

[SweetBabyJ79]

Been there done that. Two years ago, I reconnected with a past boyfriend (whom I NEVER thought I could ever care about that way again) because my husband was unavailable. This guy was there for me, he listened... he knew me. For a while I was in denial: we were just friends, nothing more could be possible! There was NO way anything bad could happen. Then we both got addicted to that wonderful happy feeling we had when we were around each other and one thing led to another and... I didn't kiss him, we didn't sleep together, no sex, but we still crossed a line. Emotionally, I was connected to him, and the closer we got, the further my husband and I got. I would have sworn on my grandpa's grave that nothing would ever, ever happen between us but the connection we once felt, and the history we shared, the happiness grabbed ahold of me and spun me for a loop. Now my husband has lost trust in me; he (and I) always thought I was different... I would NEVER cheat, but before I knew it, I had an emotional affair with someone else. Now, life sucks for both of us--and our kids. I'm not sure how to fix it and at times I don't know if that's even possible... I feel like I ruined my husband and I feel so bad for it. Needless to say, I STILL cannot communicate my feelings and emotions, even everyday events, to my husband but now I just have to hold them all inside... Definitely NOT worth losing the wonderful marriage I once had.

[Minka333]

How would you feel if you were the girls bf? If you were in his shoes?

[Teknoe]

At first she said it was OK with her BF, but it sounds like she was assuming moreso.

 

Because yesterday she replied sorry I can't crash because her BF doesn't want me to (understandably so). Before, he thought I was her cousin from LA (who has the same name). When he asked why her cousin was driving up on Friday, she explained and then it led to the discussion of it not being OK. I told her "no worries, it's all good."

 

Well, I had a feeling it would happen this way once I opened the door and asked her to (double) check with her BF. It is what it is. I'm trying to not think about it too much, but it is difficult. I feel like I need to reshift my focus instead of analyzing, fantasizing and dwelling which can be hard not to do at times. Basically, I could have slept over twice, but first time I nixed it, second time she did (or her BF, anyhow). But, I know this is for the best deep down.

[Els]

It is absolutely for the best, IMO. Don't worry about it. There will be other (single, hopefully) girls.

[Teknoe]

PS- I guess I have a sleepover fetish with attractive girls. I don't necessarily fantasize about the sex, believe it or not. Just something about laying there in the dark (not even next to each other) sharing life experiences and random thoughts. Seeing nothing, but hearing a person's life story... something very cool and atmospheric about it. I guess I still long for those olden days where a girl and I would just lay there in the dark talking until 3 in the morning.