WaterlilySue Posted September 16, 2012 Posted September 16, 2012 Somehow I'm having trouble lasting more than 3 months. It always end up either them walking away after several weeks of dating or a break-up. It's like they seem to be excited upon meeting me and it ends sooner. Another thing is, as soon as I mentioned I'm a martial artist and can own any average person several days later I don't hear from them again. One of them was honest though and described me as a bit intimidating, too much alpha and kind of tomboyish. I'm not their submissive and traditional woman they want nor the naivee one going after bad guys. I'm just being myself. How can I last longer and get into a commited relationship?? I'm having no luck at all.
todreaminblue Posted September 16, 2012 Posted September 16, 2012 Somehow I'm having trouble lasting more than 3 months. It always end up either them walking away after several weeks of dating or a break-up. It's like they seem to be excited upon meeting me and it ends sooner. Another thing is, as soon as I mentioned I'm a martial artist and can own any average person several days later I don't hear from them again. One of them was honest though and described me as a bit intimidating, too much alpha and kind of tomboyish. I'm not their submissive and traditional woman they want nor the naivee one going after bad guys. I'm just being myself. How can I last longer and get into a commited relationship?? I'm having no luck at all. I dont know i havent had that problem if anything guys have wanted to show me defense moves.I got my first lesson in self defense from a single father who took me in and rented a room to me when i was in my teens.The problem was he just wanted to have a hands on experience.He did however teach me how to roll a man over my body and to take out kneecaps.I felel potential partners should take into consideration that being feminine does not mean that you shouldnt be able to protect. yourself from rape or violence.I am sure a loving and caring partner would want this girlfriend to be able to protect her body from others if he wasnt around......if he doesnt keep looking girlfriend i think all young girls should eb taught how to defend themselves to give themselves a chance to protect their body their dignity from abuse who deosnt se that i tis getting worse and most females dont have boyfriends around when a gang attacks them or one guy.I will fight, i will defend myself it is my god given right to protect my body and to porect the integrity i hold now in allowing someone to have sex with me or make love to me i choose the latter and that is all feminine..when other men are around i can be that friend that tom boy the joker.......until they touch me all bets are off.....that isnt a threat....or me being aplha i am holding close to my femininity and what being feminine entails.....my body and the way i choose to move it against another. I would never attack a boyfriend i will never throw a first punch i would never be aggressive unless i was abused.......i turn the other cheek even then and walk away....but not with my body ...keep your integrity but don't scare boyfriends off by gloating about what you could do but let him know you believe in self defense and why you do then show him how soft you can be........deb
kaylan Posted September 16, 2012 Posted September 16, 2012 (edited) Im pretty sure martial arts isnt scaring the guys away. Usually dudes find it super cool with girls do things that most guys take as hobbies. Just look at how guys went crazy over Gina Carano when she did Ultimate Fighting. Only weak men are intimidated by tomboys tbh. And in reality, a lot of tom boys Ive known can be very "girlie" underneath it all. I welcome a girl who can kick ass figuratively and literally. If guys find you attractive...certain hobbies can only gives you extra points. Im thinking something else is scaring guys off, or that they werent much interested to begin with and bail when they get bored. Im thinking you may be going after wimpy men. Every guy I know has no issue with tomboys if they find her attractive. Edited September 16, 2012 by kaylan 3
KungFuJoe Posted September 16, 2012 Posted September 16, 2012 Another thing is, as soon as I mentioned I'm a martial artist and can own any average person THIS is the reason why guys don't stick around. Not the fact that you know martial arts, but the fact that you would even say something like this. "Own" any average person? If a guy said that, he would come off as a cocky prick. Either way, it has nothing to do with "alpha". You're not "alpha" or whatever that is supposed to be. You just have an abrasive personality. 8
Titanwolf Posted September 16, 2012 Posted September 16, 2012 Perhaps they're afraid of your attitude?. I sensed a need to prove yourself in the initial post. Talking about "owning any average person" would be an instant turn off for me. I could easily do the same, but I would be appealing to the side of a woman that wants to be protected, but I don't to remain modest. Even I felt defensive and put-off when I read your initial post as it appears to come of stand-offish. Many men value a woman who can protect themselves (I am one of them), but we still like a woman to remain feminine, in the sense that we would like to have something to protect to make us feel somewhat masculine. Maybe you're dating the type of men who feel that their role is threatened and if that's the case, maybe you should seek a different type of man. Also, how do you appear intimidating? is it your talk about "owning average people"? (honest question) because I will be honest, that does put me at least, on the defensive and makes me feel on edge. 2
soccerrprp Posted September 16, 2012 Posted September 16, 2012 Yes, I would agree with some here regarding the way you project yourself. Guys would think it cool that you know martial arts and being a tom-boy is a non-factor imho. I dated a woman lawyer who was very attractive, but seemed to have the need to show that she was always in control. I have no problems with women who take control and are confident, but this lady was borderline competitive and wanted to prove that she was independent and could "hold her own" even in the smallest of details...
CC12 Posted September 16, 2012 Posted September 16, 2012 Another thing is, as soon as I mentioned I'm a martial artist and can own any average person Yeah, I'm going to second (third? fourth?) the idea that this might be where you're going wrong. If you're genuinely good at something, just say you're good at it. You don't need to add, "And I will f'in CONQUER you in it!" That might be intimidating, as that one guy you dated put it nicely. And if not intimidating, then just plain...strange, for several reasons. I'm not their submissive and traditional woman they want nor the naivee one going after bad guys. That's fine, you don't need to prove to guys or anyone else that you're not a submissive or naive woman. Your normal behavior will prove that. No need to announce it or swing it around. Those are my only guesses as to why none of those relationships worked. You didn't give us much to go on. Before you posted this thread, did you have an idea of what might have been going wrong?
ja123 Posted September 16, 2012 Posted September 16, 2012 Personally, I'm working on being independent, etc. But if you stop to think about it, just because you can take care of yourself and be independent, isn't it a beautiful thing if a man wants to protect a woman? I think it is. Why not let someone do that for you? Men often need a clear, concrete role to play in a woman's life. Why not make the space, so you can welcome a man into your life. Otherwise, you're sending the message that you don't need him. Are you perhaps sending such messages, unconsciously, because you don't want to be vulnerable with a man and risk having your feelings hurt? Therefore, you are pushing men away.
oldshirt Posted September 16, 2012 Posted September 16, 2012 you haven't mentioned your age or where you are at in life (ie high school student, college student, working adult etc) so without that information it's a little hard to address the situation. If you are 16 year old high school student I'd say you were perfectly normal by not having a dating situation last more than a few months. If you are 36 year old college educated, working professional then I'd say we need to look a little deeper. Either way I don't think being in martial arts or being a tomboy has anything to do with it. The whole "owning..." thing though raises a bit of an eyebrow. any chance you are coming off as an arrogant, obnoxious @$$ in general? In general dating is simply an interview and screening process to get to know someone to determine if they are the person you want to marry and make a home and raise a family with. If you date them for awhile and come to realize that they aren't who you want to marry at this time then you stop dating and move on. It's normal, it's nature and there is no harm no foul. Nothing wrong or unusual at all to date someone for a couple dates, a couple weeks a couple months and realise that there is no reason to continue and so you stop dating them. that is how it is supposed to be untill you find "the one." So I'd say if you are under 23 you're perfectly normal and doing a good job interviewing and screening people. you always want to look inward every now and then to see if you are giving off bad vibes or anything so you may want to determine if you are coming off as arrogant or boarish with the "owning.." thing. If you are between 23-28 you may want to look a little deeper into how you relate to people on an interpersonal basis and if you have some kind of stumbling block that is keeping you from relating with people on a deeper and more meaningfull level. And if you are over 30 and are an educated and independantly functioning adult you may need to really look into why you are having trouble forming a close ongoing relationship with people and may need to consult a professional to help you identify and address those issues.
MonsterMash Posted September 16, 2012 Posted September 16, 2012 From a guys perspective....and a dominant one I might add....I find your attitude somewhat sexy and cute. So...you're into martial arts, great. I see that as a sign that you at least do something that helps keep you in shape. You definitely get points for that. The tomboy thing is ok too, so long as you don't forget you're a woman first. Dressing down and comfortable is all well and good, but there are times I'd like to dress you up and show you off too. You have to be able to pull off the little black dress and heels too. And as far as the whole you're woman, hear you roar attitude that you're putting out? I see it simply as you don't want a weak man. Any man who has you has to be strong enough to take you cause you won't give them an inch. That makes for a sporty relationship at times but man, its fun. Hahaha. Theres nothing wrong with you. You just haven't found the one who's more dominant than you yet. 2
Mrlonelyone Posted September 16, 2012 Posted September 16, 2012 waterlilly sue It is quite probable that your attitude is scaring guys off. However you should not change it sense those aren't the kind of men you need in your life.
Ruby Slippers Posted September 16, 2012 Posted September 16, 2012 And as far as the whole you're woman, hear you roar attitude that you're putting out? I see it simply as you don't want a weak man. Any man who has you has to be strong enough to take you cause you won't give them an inch. That makes for a sporty relationship at times but man, its fun. Hahaha. Theres nothing wrong with you. You just haven't found the one who's more dominant than you yet. Great post, MonsterMash! I identify with a lot of this. I'm feminine and sensual, but excel at some male-dominated things - like sports, business, science. I really don't feel I've dated anyone who was on my level, and even beyond in some ways, before the guy I'm seeing now. It's too early to know if this will last, but so far I'm loving it. In the past, I was expending a lot of energy trying to help lift these guys up. Now I've got a hand that's strong enough to help lift me up. It's about time! 5
monkey00 Posted September 16, 2012 Posted September 16, 2012 You probably just need an alpha guy. From what I noticed, beta women and beta men click together as does alpha guy alpha girl.
MonsterMash Posted September 16, 2012 Posted September 16, 2012 Great post, MonsterMash! I identify with a lot of this. I'm feminine and sensual, but excel at some male-dominated things - like sports, business, science. I really don't feel I've dated anyone who was on my level, and even beyond in some ways, before the guy I'm seeing now. It's too early to know if this will last, but so far I'm loving it. In the past, I was expending a lot of energy trying to help lift these guys up. Now I've got a hand that's strong enough to help lift me up. It's about time! Thanks. Being a Dom I have a unique perspective on the female psyche. Where most men see the alpha female as a bitch or too much work....I see a challenge. Those types of women don't suffer fools, but its fun to watch them melt when they meet someone stronger than they are. 2
Ruby Slippers Posted September 16, 2012 Posted September 16, 2012 Thanks. Being a Dom I have a unique perspective on the female psyche. Where most men see the alpha female as a bitch or too much work....I see a challenge. Those types of women don't suffer fools, but its fun to watch them melt when they meet someone stronger than they are. Ha! I just started reading Fifty Shades of Grey, because my sister I just visited out of state asked me to read it and discuss it with her. Suddenly there are dominant men all around my psyche The guy I'm dating is definitely the most dominant guy I've been with - and most of the time, I love it! He's certainly not a Dom, and I'm no submissive - but that energy is there sometimes, and it's hot. But equally hot to me is asserting my will when required. I think I'm more like what they call a switch. 1
mesmerized Posted September 16, 2012 Posted September 16, 2012 From a guys perspective....and a dominant one I might add....I find your attitude somewhat sexy and cute. So...you're into martial arts, great. I see that as a sign that you at least do something that helps keep you in shape. You definitely get points for that. The tomboy thing is ok too, so long as you don't forget you're a woman first. Dressing down and comfortable is all well and good, but there are times I'd like to dress you up and show you off too. You have to be able to pull off the little black dress and heels too. And as far as the whole you're woman, hear you roar attitude that you're putting out? I see it simply as you don't want a weak man. Any man who has you has to be strong enough to take you cause you won't give them an inch. That makes for a sporty relationship at times but man, its fun. Hahaha. Theres nothing wrong with you. You just haven't found the one who's more dominant than you yet. Eggggzaktly. You need a dominant strong man honey, not an "average guy". If thats the type youve been dating, time to change it for the type that is actually compatible with you. Trust me I know men that would looooove a woman like you.
Emilia Posted September 16, 2012 Posted September 16, 2012 I agree with those that say you need to find a strong man. Not a huge number of them around so it will take you a while OP. men are good at self selection, ie giving up when they think they will fail. Just keep going
Pyro Posted September 16, 2012 Posted September 16, 2012 Somehow I'm having trouble lasting more than 3 months. It always end up either them walking away after several weeks of dating or a break-up. It's like they seem to be excited upon meeting me and it ends sooner. Another thing is, as soon as I mentioned I'm a martial artist and can own any average person several days later I don't hear from them again. One of them was honest though and described me as a bit intimidating, too much alpha and kind of tomboyish. I'm not their submissive and traditional woman they want nor the naivee one going after bad guys. I'm just being myself. How can I last longer and get into a commited relationship?? I'm having no luck at all. The bolded part makes you sound arrogant, which is a turn-off for many guys. If you have the arrogant personality to go with that then that is a very good reason why you can't keep a relationship. If you aren't arrogant then you just aren't meeting the right guy yet. Some guys get easily intimidated. 1
Author WaterlilySue Posted September 16, 2012 Author Posted September 16, 2012 you haven't mentioned your age or where you are at in life (ie high school student, college student, working adult etc) so without that information it's a little hard to address the situation. I'm 19 years old and currently in college.
MonsterMash Posted September 16, 2012 Posted September 16, 2012 (edited) Ha! I just started reading Fifty Shades of Grey, because my sister I just visited out of state asked me to read it and discuss it with her. Suddenly there are dominant men all around my psyche The guy I'm dating is definitely the most dominant guy I've been with - and most of the time, I love it! He's certainly not a Dom, and I'm no submissive - but that energy is there sometimes, and it's hot. But equally hot to me is asserting my will when required. I think I'm more like what they call a switch. Blah. Fifty Shades is like the Backstreet Boys of D/s. The 'only' good its done IMO is open some previously closed minds. By your words though, I'd probably say you're submissive. You might assert a dominant energy "when required." But my guess is you prefer to not have to do that and just want to be taken and used. How close am I? Edited September 16, 2012 by MonsterMash 1
Titanwolf Posted September 16, 2012 Posted September 16, 2012 OP, make any new man you date watch "The secretary" with you and observe how he responds. If he smiles in delight, that's your guy. If he winces in horror, better call it a day. (I joke of course..but only partially..).
O'Malley Posted September 16, 2012 Posted September 16, 2012 (edited) Any commonalities in the circumstances that led up to the breakups? The "owning people" comment sounds arrogant and competitive. Some people come across as more domineering than amiably dominant, and have high, and at times unrealistic, expectations of others. People typically don't break up because they're intimidated, rather because they're irritated and/or lack interest. Are you only attracted to men as dominant or more so than you? Just my experience, a guy more laid back on the dominance spectrum would be a better fit, as far as being able to take your assertiveness in stride (laid back is not a flaw in a man's character, nor does it automatically default to his lacking a backbone). Someone with a quiet strength that isn't immediately obvious. Unfortunately, I've seen some dominant minded women who simply aren't attracted to men that they perceive as being less strong willed, but then they find themselves at loggerheads with men as assertive (or who claim to be) as they are. Edited September 16, 2012 by O'Malley 1
Mrlonelyone Posted September 16, 2012 Posted September 16, 2012 ^this The OP may need a man who is more dominant, as that is the gender norm. A problem is that most men who want to be dominant, really want a doormat woman. (An extreme example, a potential wife beater doesn't want a wife who could beat him). A man who dosen't mind standing back and supporting his wife may be what she needs. Someone who can be there when someone else wins the fight. Real life example, Puffy and J Lo didn't work out so well. But J Lo and Mark Anthony, a less high powered man, worked for years.
oldshirt Posted September 16, 2012 Posted September 16, 2012 I'm 19 years old and currently in college. Then there's no problem here. You are just meeting new people and getting to know a variety of people and trying to find those that mesh with you and weeding out the ones who don't. That's how it should be. It's the people that feel they should be joined at the hip with someone after the first or second date are the ones with the issues.
Recommended Posts