Tenacity Posted September 16, 2012 Posted September 16, 2012 Some of you know my long drawn-out A with the MM that lasted years and devastated me. So I have been moving forward... spent a lot of time working on myself, my attitude, healing, and so forth. Started dating awhile ago actually (I have been out of the A for 2 years now) but really only started looking in any kind of 'serious' way recently. I am beyond frustrated. I have joined a few organizations as a way to meet people because I haven't lived here long, but it hasn't worked well so far. I can't date people from work. I moved here (to the south US) a few years ago and it is very conservative for me - most people are into church organizations and I am not. So I have used internet dating sites, trying to be very discriminating as to who I will communicate with and especially, who I will meet. I'm in my 40's and attractive and educated. My photos are real. My profile states "please don't contact me with just a 'hi' or one line - I will only reply to e-mails with substance and content". Not asking that much, right? Well, 99% of the messages I get (and there are hundreds) are the horrible 'winks' or e-mails saying 'How R U'? or men writing to tell me they think I have nice legs. Furthermore, most of these men are at least 20 years older than me, with (being generous here) substantially less interest in physical fitness than I have. And I won't even touch upon the number of first dates I've gone on, only to discover that the photos attached to their profiles must have been 20 years old at least. I am not picky physically, by the way. I know I am not a hot playboy bunny in my 20's. I just want someone who prioritizes physical fitness and health, and who isn't a liar! Is that really asking too much? Anyway, I digress... my point was, for the SECOND TIME, I found out tonight that the man I was dating is actually married. The first time (awhile ago) I had dated a man four or five times - he was great, very intelligent, and told me he was long-divorced. I happened to meet him in a large department store one weekend when he was with his wife. End of that. Tonight I found out the man who I really could have found attractive, interesting, relationship potential... is also married. He lied to me. We have gone on about six dates and he was getting "serious". The problem was, he could no longer hide the fact that he lives with his W and not on his own. He sent me a long e-mail earlier tonight to tell me that he is sorry he was dishonest, but he knew I would not "give him a chance" if I knew he was actually still married, but he has "every intention" of getting a divorce "soon". I made it abundantly clear in my profiles and in my subsequent communications how I have zero tolerance for married men - not even separated men - because of past bad experiences. What is the problem!!?? Are married men all such scum? Are there NO decent single men - because I have yet to find any? It is all so depressing! WHY do these men think they have a right to prowl around on dating sites presenting themselves as being single? How does anyone trust another person anymore? By the way, my first experience with this was not even through a dating site - it was someone I met through participating in an organization. I am beyond depressed. There are seriously no good men left. They are either happily married or dead!
AnotherRound Posted September 16, 2012 Posted September 16, 2012 Some of you know my long drawn-out A with the MM that lasted years and devastated me. So I have been moving forward... spent a lot of time working on myself, my attitude, healing, and so forth. Started dating awhile ago actually (I have been out of the A for 2 years now) but really only started looking in any kind of 'serious' way recently. I am beyond frustrated. I have joined a few organizations as a way to meet people because I haven't lived here long, but it hasn't worked well so far. I can't date people from work. I moved here (to the south US) a few years ago and it is very conservative for me - most people are into church organizations and I am not. So I have used internet dating sites, trying to be very discriminating as to who I will communicate with and especially, who I will meet. I'm in my 40's and attractive and educated. My photos are real. My profile states "please don't contact me with just a 'hi' or one line - I will only reply to e-mails with substance and content". Not asking that much, right? Well, 99% of the messages I get (and there are hundreds) are the horrible 'winks' or e-mails saying 'How R U'? or men writing to tell me they think I have nice legs. Furthermore, most of these men are at least 20 years older than me, with (being generous here) substantially less interest in physical fitness than I have. And I won't even touch upon the number of first dates I've gone on, only to discover that the photos attached to their profiles must have been 20 years old at least. I am not picky physically, by the way. I know I am not a hot playboy bunny in my 20's. I just want someone who prioritizes physical fitness and health, and who isn't a liar! Is that really asking too much? Anyway, I digress... my point was, for the SECOND TIME, I found out tonight that the man I was dating is actually married. The first time (awhile ago) I had dated a man four or five times - he was great, very intelligent, and told me he was long-divorced. I happened to meet him in a large department store one weekend when he was with his wife. End of that. Tonight I found out the man who I really could have found attractive, interesting, relationship potential... is also married. He lied to me. We have gone on about six dates and he was getting "serious". The problem was, he could no longer hide the fact that he lives with his W and not on his own. He sent me a long e-mail earlier tonight to tell me that he is sorry he was dishonest, but he knew I would not "give him a chance" if I knew he was actually still married, but he has "every intention" of getting a divorce "soon". I made it abundantly clear in my profiles and in my subsequent communications how I have zero tolerance for married men - not even separated men - because of past bad experiences. What is the problem!!?? Are married men all such scum? Are there NO decent single men - because I have yet to find any? It is all so depressing! WHY do these men think they have a right to prowl around on dating sites presenting themselves as being single? How does anyone trust another person anymore? By the way, my first experience with this was not even through a dating site - it was someone I met through participating in an organization. I am beyond depressed. There are seriously no good men left. They are either happily married or dead! Not true, all good men are not married or dead, there just aren't many where you are right now. I know it's frustrating. I gave up actively pursuing dating LONG ago. I now only date someone that I know already, or get to know somehow, or am introduced to by friends, or such. No dating sites, no bars, etc. I am pretty sure I'm never going to find my soulmate in any of those places. It does suck about the married guys. But I think, in general, most men like to know that they have "market value" before they leave a LT relationship. The world is set up so that women have the power sexually, and men are often terrified of those long dry spells that they imagine if they aren't in a relationship (even though it's rarely the case, unless they are just horrendous). But, it sucks that they weren't straight forward with you bc you do deserve that. No way to get set up by friends or colleagues? Or, just start attending house parties more of people you know, never know who's going to show up. I don't meet a lot of guys either, and it is frustrating, but honestly, I would rather be single than go through the trouble of sifting through the crap out there.
Silly_Girl Posted September 16, 2012 Posted September 16, 2012 THAT is $hit-rotten luck Tenacity. It's terrible the way some people will play with others' lives. Have you been on the dating board? There are some women, intelligent, motivated, and looking for a genuine guy, that might have some good feedback. Don't give up though, don't let scumbags like that spoil the chances of the good ones making it though to you.
Saba Posted September 16, 2012 Posted September 16, 2012 I would recommend trying to meet someone through one of your hobbies rather than a dating site. Consider taking a class or joining some type of group (sporting, trivia competition etc). There are plenty of good men out there, you have just had a run of bad luck.
sad puppy Posted September 16, 2012 Posted September 16, 2012 I've done a little bit of online dating, can't say I gave it all my energy, I was sort of half hearted about it. But from my observations, people don't know their "league". Unattractive, uneducated men always contact me. And guys always want to date women 10 - 20 years younger. These creepy guys really think a chick 15 years younger wants to spend her time with some old loser. But, these guys bring nothing to the table - you can tell, they may be wildly unattractive, no education, short as heck, crappy paying job, ... Truly, what is more entertaining is scoffing at men's profiles. They are clueless. I have so many deal breakers when going thru profiles: one photo only, posting photo of your children, photo of your motorcycle, bad spelling, lots of travel photos, their long list of qualities a woman must have, ... Once you develop your criteria and stick to it, you can buzz thru the profiles very quickly. I think it's a numbers game and you have to be diligent. It's pretty easy to weed them out online. But, like most of us I guess, I'm looking for a connection, chemistry, that elusive quality. THAT is very difficult to find.
Ladydrib Posted September 16, 2012 Posted September 16, 2012 Some of you know my long drawn-out A with the MM that lasted years and devastated me. So I have been moving forward... spent a lot of time working on myself, my attitude, healing, and so forth. Started dating awhile ago actually (I have been out of the A for 2 years now) but really only started looking in any kind of 'serious' way recently. I am beyond frustrated. I have joined a few organizations as a way to meet people because I haven't lived here long, but it hasn't worked well so far. I can't date people from work. I moved here (to the south US) a few years ago and it is very conservative for me - most people are into church organizations and I am not. So I have used internet dating sites, trying to be very discriminating as to who I will communicate with and especially, who I will meet. I'm in my 40's and attractive and educated. My photos are real. My profile states "please don't contact me with just a 'hi' or one line - I will only reply to e-mails with substance and content". Not asking that much, right? Well, 99% of the messages I get (and there are hundreds) are the horrible 'winks' or e-mails saying 'How R U'? or men writing to tell me they think I have nice legs. Furthermore, most of these men are at least 20 years older than me, with (being generous here) substantially less interest in physical fitness than I have. And I won't even touch upon the number of first dates I've gone on, only to discover that the photos attached to their profiles must have been 20 years old at least. I am not picky physically, by the way. I know I am not a hot playboy bunny in my 20's. I just want someone who prioritizes physical fitness and health, and who isn't a liar! Is that really asking too much? Anyway, I digress... my point was, for the SECOND TIME, I found out tonight that the man I was dating is actually married. The first time (awhile ago) I had dated a man four or five times - he was great, very intelligent, and told me he was long-divorced. I happened to meet him in a large department store one weekend when he was with his wife. End of that. Tonight I found out the man who I really could have found attractive, interesting, relationship potential... is also married. He lied to me. We have gone on about six dates and he was getting "serious". The problem was, he could no longer hide the fact that he lives with his W and not on his own. He sent me a long e-mail earlier tonight to tell me that he is sorry he was dishonest, but he knew I would not "give him a chance" if I knew he was actually still married, but he has "every intention" of getting a divorce "soon". I made it abundantly clear in my profiles and in my subsequent communications how I have zero tolerance for married men - not even separated men - because of past bad experiences. What is the problem!!?? Are married men all such scum? Are there NO decent single men - because I have yet to find any? It is all so depressing! WHY do these men think they have a right to prowl around on dating sites presenting themselves as being single? How does anyone trust another person anymore? By the way, my first experience with this was not even through a dating site - it was someone I met through participating in an organization. I am beyond depressed. There are seriously no good men left. They are either happily married or dead! Oh I'm so sorry Tenacity. I know this is what I have to look forward to as well. I'm obviously very unhappily married, close in age to you, and I know this is what it's like to be single at this point in my life (from single friends and just thinking through the numbers and psychology). This is why it's been so hard for me to leave an unhappy marriage. I may not have connection, love, intimacy, companionship, etc, but I have financial security. But is that enough for a happy life? No. I know I have to make that change too, and am in the process of doing so. I don't know if this will help you or not, but my counselor told me to make friends with loneliness. So that's what I've been working on. This does not mean give up hope or stop trying, but it means find peace and happiness even if you never meet a man who is not a toad. :-). Another thought, you mention where you live. Do you have to live there? Can you move somewhere that you might have more in common with people and maybe a big city where there are less families and more single people who have devoted much if their life to their career and are looking for companionship at a later stage in their life? This might be some made up dream world in my head, but I plan to move somewhere in hopes that does exist. Also keep in mind, just like shuffling through a bargain store, you have to look at a lot of crap, but if you happen to find just one special thing, that's all you need. :-) 1
scatterd Posted September 16, 2012 Posted September 16, 2012 I found that when dating you dint find who you want to date when your looking. I always met a man when I was not looking. I would give up trying to find someone and do my own thing,Then boom there he was. What I am saying is do not try so hard. Someone will come around that you want when you least expect it. Its also weird how so many interesting, good looking men was every where when ever I was taken. Funny how that works. 2
carhill Posted September 16, 2012 Posted September 16, 2012 My sympathies OP. Brings back memories of MW's who sprang the 'BTW, I'm still married' during the getting to know process. The main thing that is wrong with men is that they are human and subject to the vagaries of human existence. They learn from experience how to get their social/romantic/sexual needs met. One tried and true method is to lead a woman on, get her sexually and emotionally invested and then trickle truth her. If he's sufficiently attractive (this is important) and does it right, he can move seamlessly from one companionship to another. It's natural for men to prefer this, even if the methodology is deceptive. Ironically, this is how I was hooked by MW's decades ago, genders reversed. As advice, you might wish to reconsider your stance on church as a social venue and perhaps join a non-denominational congregation to meet people. Think of it more as social rather than spiritual if that works for you. There are always lots of events and potentials for interactions and contact is real life and to a certain extent there is social vetting, which obviates some of the deceptive behaviors men engage in. For example, before they were divorced, heck even before the papers were officially filed, my exW's best friend (from my 3 cats and a mouse journal) had made acquaintance with a widower down the street from her and her H had met a new GF at church. They are both active in their church but now attend different ones to avoid any uncomfortable situations. Still, church was the venue utilized for them to meet new partners once they were done with each other (after 21 years). Good luck.
shaken_not_stirred Posted September 16, 2012 Posted September 16, 2012 Some of you know my long drawn-out A with the MM that lasted years and devastated me. So I have been moving forward... spent a lot of time working on myself, my attitude, healing, and so forth. Started dating awhile ago actually (I have been out of the A for 2 years now) but really only started looking in any kind of 'serious' way recently. I am beyond frustrated. I have joined a few organizations as a way to meet people because I haven't lived here long, but it hasn't worked well so far. I can't date people from work. I moved here (to the south US) a few years ago and it is very conservative for me - most people are into church organizations and I am not. So I have used internet dating sites, trying to be very discriminating as to who I will communicate with and especially, who I will meet. I'm in my 40's and attractive and educated. My photos are real. My profile states "please don't contact me with just a 'hi' or one line - I will only reply to e-mails with substance and content". Not asking that much, right? Well, 99% of the messages I get (and there are hundreds) are the horrible 'winks' or e-mails saying 'How R U'? or men writing to tell me they think I have nice legs. Furthermore, most of these men are at least 20 years older than me, with (being generous here) substantially less interest in physical fitness than I have. And I won't even touch upon the number of first dates I've gone on, only to discover that the photos attached to their profiles must have been 20 years old at least. I am not picky physically, by the way. I know I am not a hot playboy bunny in my 20's. I just want someone who prioritizes physical fitness and health, and who isn't a liar! Is that really asking too much? Anyway, I digress... my point was, for the SECOND TIME, I found out tonight that the man I was dating is actually married. The first time (awhile ago) I had dated a man four or five times - he was great, very intelligent, and told me he was long-divorced. I happened to meet him in a large department store one weekend when he was with his wife. End of that. Tonight I found out the man who I really could have found attractive, interesting, relationship potential... is also married. He lied to me. We have gone on about six dates and he was getting "serious". The problem was, he could no longer hide the fact that he lives with his W and not on his own. He sent me a long e-mail earlier tonight to tell me that he is sorry he was dishonest, but he knew I would not "give him a chance" if I knew he was actually still married, but he has "every intention" of getting a divorce "soon". I made it abundantly clear in my profiles and in my subsequent communications how I have zero tolerance for married men - not even separated men - because of past bad experiences. What is the problem!!?? Are married men all such scum? Are there NO decent single men - because I have yet to find any? It is all so depressing! WHY do these men think they have a right to prowl around on dating sites presenting themselves as being single? How does anyone trust another person anymore? By the way, my first experience with this was not even through a dating site - it was someone I met through participating in an organization. I am beyond depressed. There are seriously no good men left. They are either happily married or dead! Here's what I'd do, the next guy that says he's single and you find out he's married let is wife know what the ahole is up to. Believe it or not as much as I love and adore my mm I'll never do it again. When a guy with a wedding band even says hello to me I simply tell them I'm highly allergic to wedding rings and I walk away. 1
Mount Posted September 16, 2012 Posted September 16, 2012 :D:D:D:laugh::laugh: I am beyond depressed. There are seriously no good men left. They are either happily married or dead! You are not depressed at all, at least you have such good sense of humor.:bunny::bunny: 1
Ladydrib Posted September 16, 2012 Posted September 16, 2012 We all need to just say, forget these men! Take a girls trip together and have a great time!!!
shaken_not_stirred Posted September 16, 2012 Posted September 16, 2012 That sounds like a wonderful idea lol, I'm in.
MissBee Posted September 16, 2012 Posted September 16, 2012 Dating sites...my roommate is having a lovely go at that right now Tried it before and found it was more of a hassle and there seemed to be just so much more creeps and liars there! I vowed never to do the online thing again. I understand its appeal since it is easily accessible and you can meet potential people "at your finger tips", whereas just day to day even if you meet someone it's not always that they will ask you out then and there and all that...but I'm sticking to the old fashioned way. I can't deal with the online hassle. That said Tenacity, I do believe you have to have a sense of humor about this or you won't make it lol. Seriously. All the good men are not taken, both creeps and good men are single as well as taken. Perhaps try a lighter approach where you feel like you have nothing to lose and see how that works. Still keep your standards and really screen this guys and watch and listen for red flags...but go on the date with the mindset that it's something to do and NSA. If the guy is a loser, then whatever, at least you went out for the evening and now have a great story lol...if he's cool, then you can take it from there and then slowly see where it goes. Just be aware and trust your intuition.
Author Tenacity Posted September 17, 2012 Author Posted September 17, 2012 Thanks to all It's great to know that I'm not alone in this journey. I am getting myself back somewhat. I do remember that I had a sense of humor. Two weeks ago I actually received a message and photo from a man who is 84 and he sent his photo (at least it was real!); it showed him in his Hover-round. I appreciate the honesty but I'm not there yet! Someone said to learn to be 'married to loneliness'. I am okay with that right now, actually. The alternative seems to be a bunch of lying MM (my ex-MM is right there with them, BTW, constant contact from him, which I ignore) or nothing I want yet.
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