fallen.angel Posted September 16, 2012 Posted September 16, 2012 After being with my bf for over 2yrs and not getting any closer to a commitment, I decided that I would move out. I never nagged him about it but whenever I brought it up he would bring up these points: 1. We have a 10yr age difference (hes 34) 2. Can I adjust to his culture (hes muslim, and no he doesn't want me to convert) 3. He wont let me work after marriage Although for me these things dont matter as I knew about them before we got together and I accepted everything, even dressing on the conservative side etc he still thinks that I wont be able to adjust/accept these things. We moved in together soon after we started dating, but now as his family is pressuring him for marriage(they know about me) I wanted to know whether he even sees me in his future or not. When I told him a few days ago that I will be leaving soon, he called me an hour later and said "Ive been thinking and my brain is ****ed, I dont want u to leave, and I want to marry u, ask your family". But yesterday he said again that there cant be a future etc. A little background: Im orphaned(no siblings) and it will be a big deal if I tell my extended family I want to marry him and then again he changes his mind. They will think Im crazy and also will tell the whole world about the bad/rash decisions I make etc. He is muslim and his family isn't well off financially so he sends money home every month and if he doesn't let me work I dont think we can ever save enough to have a home of our own etc. I know I love him, and he has been my support for the past 2yrs but I do think about the future, I do want to have a house, be able to provide for my children and live a decent life. The only options for this if we do get married would be that I work or he stops sending money home. I dont see any other way and when I try and be practical he shuts me up. I am confused as to why this guy treats me this way and changes his mind when he likes. I know hes not cheating on me, and I know he would make a good husband/father. But if I tell my family and he changes his mind, or isnt ready(financially) what will I do then? Any insight from anyone or someone who has had a similar experience. Should I just move out(no contactual obligations) or should I wait? Btw he goes to his country in oct end and most probably his parents will force him to get married so we need to decide this soon.
TopCat22 Posted September 16, 2012 Posted September 16, 2012 Hi Angel. It sounds like he is confused too. It's horrible when logistical things get in the way in a RS but if you are to build a life together it is important. He may also feel that if you were married there would be a huge strain on the RS and so maybe he is conflicted and wants to spare you that. Rightly or wrongly he has a set of values (not wanting his wife to work) and maybe they just aren't compatable with yours. I'm not saying either of you is wrong, however if he can't provide the things you need and want from a RS and a marriage and won't compromise to meet those needs then I can't see how it would work. He seems to know this although he's not actually saying it. You need to do what is best for you. Can you really see a future with this guy now? If so, is there any way to make it work? If not, then I think you need to find someone who can give you what you want.
Author fallen.angel Posted September 16, 2012 Author Posted September 16, 2012 Thank you for ur reply, I think u are right to say that although logistical things are horrible in any RS they are important. Eventually if these things dont get sorted before a commitment they might end up being the reason for a RS to end. IMO he is right to say I shouldn't work (what with raising a family etc it will be difficult) and I know because as a child I was raised by a working mother as my dad had died when I was very young, and I missed spending time with my mom and would never want the same for my children. But at the same time if he cant provide the basics for our family what other option would I have? I spoke to him about looking for a place of my own and he doesn't like it, he keeps saying that are you sure, I wont like that etc... and no im not sure because I love him, but honestly ive waited and waited for him to commit and made sure I didnt nag him or even bring it up. I just let him know that I wanted a future and waited months for him to say what he wanted. He is one of the most wonderful and strong man I have met and I know he is someone I can see myself with. But this financial thing is coming in the way, if he would let me work (even part-time) I could help with it, otherwise I know later that will be the one thing to break us. I dont know, maybe he will understand what Im trying to say, maybe he wont. But by end of oct when he goes home for a month I know if we haven't decided his family will force him, so.... Im just so mixed up and confused inside.
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