8 months on: Here's what I've learned

[jus d'orange]

Hi everyone,

 

Maybe this would be better in the "coping" section, but since it's really about a LTR breakup, I thought it would be better here. I want to post about how my life has changed broadly since the break-up, because so much of the perspective around here is from other people who have just broken up, too. Sorry if this is long, but I hope it's really helpful!

 

 

You can read my old threads if you'd like, but I'll do a super-short summation here:

1. I'm a 21 year old straight guy.

2. I was in a primarily LDR with ex for nearly 4 years. We met when we were both 16. It was really serious; we talked about getting married a lot.

3. She broke off the relationship in January, giving the reasons of not feeling in love anymore, wanting to explore dating other people, etc. I was totally devastated.

4. I started reading and posting on LS after a couple weeks.

5. I was strict NC from day one until 3 months later, when I asked for my guitar back. I did get it back. Since then, she's sent me one text saying "hey, let's catch up." We've had one small email exchange to "catch up" and nothing more.

 

 

The result of this breakup has been profoundly positive. I've now spent almost all of 2012 single, which I'd never been as an adult. This year has been filled with really great stuff happening in my life, but by far the best thing is I've learned to be happy on my own. Something about facing problems by myself has imbued me with an almost constant optimism and sense of cheer, quite unlike the depressed person I often was over the last 5 years. I'm still single, and have really learned to enjoy life more. Despite the enormous difficulty of getting over the terrible feeling of heartbreak and abandonment, my life is now more fun and easy than it has ever been. It's not totally without complication; I've kinda been yanked around a little bit by this other girl (I mentioned her in a post back in March, I think), but unlike in the past, it doesn't dominate my outlook anymore.

 

Anyway, here's some things I've learned that I hope can help those of you who are just beginning life after a relationship.

 

1. You must reduce contact as much as possible, as soon as possible. (NC or No Contact) This was HUGE for me. Even though I was in a LDR, I still felt the absence like a constant weight for months; nevertheless, I kept NC. However, every time I clicked on her facebook, looked at old pictures of us, it really messed with my head. Don't do it -- don't respond, don't send a text, don't plan to run into your ex, delete their number, unfriend them on Facebook... Get them out of your life, because having someone with that much emotional confusion and pain around is toxic. Once you're totally over the relationship, only then is a reconciliation possible, so don't use that as an excuse.

 

2. Getting over the relationship is going to take a lot of time, so be patient. But it's not just the passing of time, it's what you do actively to heal, so...

 

3. Be prepared to do battle with your own thoughts. I filled my iPhone with notes to myself, unsent notes to my ex, guides on how to get through the day. Your thoughts are difficult to control, but when writing I was able to force myself to frame my train of thoughts in a positive direction. You have to think positively if you want to heal over time. Self-destructive thoughts will keep you stuck at day 1.

 

4. Get out there and live your own new chapter -- when you can. The first day after the breakup, I skipped almost all my classes and spent about 15 hours in bed, mostly crying. But I set myself little goals from day 1 -- I signed up for a gym membership and got back to being athletic (I was a serious athlete in high school). Having a consistent schedule of achievable goals, like getting a workout in, going to a concert with friends, etc. is incredibly important. Also, go make new friends, go buy some new clothes or shoes (within reason), get a new haircut, try a new hobby -- these things will allow you to envision a new version of yourself, rather than the image you have of yourself with your ex.

 

5. Be patient and kind to yourself. "Treat yourself as you want to be treated."Now that you're on your own, you get to decide exactly what's going on in your life and how you feel about what you're doing. If you are feeling great for 2 months, then you break NC suddenly and spend a week in bed in shame and regret, then no big deal! Life isn't over, and tomorrow can still be a fantastic day. Take control, but don't beat yourself up over the end of the relationship, the pain you feel, or anything.

 

6. Look at the breakup as an opportunity to do some life housecleaning. As I said, I was often depressed before the breakup, sometimes because of my ex and often because of my own relationship with myself. I used to self-harm from time to time and made a few weak suicide attempts. I got myself into therapy right away, learned a lot about how my life was shaped by my thought processes, and charted a new course for myself in life, with a more present-oriented mindset.

 

7. Don't worry about the reasons for the end of the relationship. Things are never as they seem, and when your head is clouded in the most emotion it can, you're not thinking clearly. I did so much analysis after we broke up -- I thought about the things she said about falling out of love, about how much we had been fighting. I knew she had said "I still see us together someday," "I want to experience dating and sex with other guys," "there's no one else, it's just me," and a whole host of other things that really messed with my head. We live hundreds of miles apart, but I was back in her neighborhood to meet with an old friend last month. I was on my way to a bar when I saw her, unmistakably, across the street with a guy. My old friend confirmed that she's been "in a relationship" on Facebook with this guy for quite a while. Turns out, it's the guy who she had said was "just a good friend" who she was talking about wanting to have as a new roommate the next year. I'd trusted and believed her, both when she'd told me about him, and also when she told me there was no one else during the breakup. Simply put, people are barely capable of being honest with themselves, never mind being honest with you about the reasons for a breakup. Whatever they are, it doesn't matter. The relationship is broken, it's over, and you have to move on with what you've learned.

 

8. "You better have a damn good reason not to be single." This is something an old friend of mine said to me a few weeks ago. If you treat yourself with respect, have some dignity, then being single is fantastic. You're your own boss, and you're free from, at the very least, a lot of obligation. Don't sacrifice that much of your life for somebody who just isn't worth it. Take it from me... I used to have very bad self-esteem issues, and now I am more happy and confident as a single man than I ever was in a relationship with somebody who frankly was and is very attractive, sweet, and talented. Reason being? No one can cheat on me and lie to me on the scale that she did unless I let them. This means: no rebounds, no trying to get your ex back, no responding to breadcrumbs. Got it?

 

9. "Life exists only in the present moment. To lose the present is to lose life." After a breakup, the past is filled with nostalgic pain and the future filled with uncertainty. Yikes! I think a breakup is a great time to learn to focus on being happy in the present and the long-term above all else. For me, when I decided/learned to be happy with where I am and who I am, everything became easier and fell into place. It's not that I don't still face some difficulties, but it's much easier to take them on when you're enjoying where you are right now.

 

My breakup really did change my life for the better. Breakups are a very painful door-closing-in-face. If you're like me, you had so many expectations and dreams shattered by that (even if you're the dumper). But now you've got the room, the time, and the emotional energy to rebuild and start from scratch. I've learned that, even though I'm still fundamentally the same person, the small changes I've made have made a huge impact on my life and my outlook. If my ex ever wants to "catch up" again, I may actually thank her for ending the relationship.

 

I really hope this helps anyone and everyone who reads all the way through. I'm still on the journey, and it's felt like forever already, but I'm finally to a point where I feel no sadness over the end of the relationship, over the loss of my closest friend... Just a sense of optimism for the future and a joy for the present. I wish you all the very best.

Edited September 15, 2012 by jus d'orange
Added another quote

[Calico]

This is a really good post! Thank you for sharing your experience, and I'm hugely happy for you that it turned out so marvellously positive!

[sweetheart5381]

Hi everyone,

 

Maybe this would be better in the "coping" section, but since it's really about a LTR breakup, I thought it would be better here. I want to post about how my life has changed broadly since the break-up, because so much of the perspective around here is from other people who have just broken up, too. Sorry if this is long, but I hope it's really helpful!

 

 

You can read my old threads if you'd like, but I'll do a super-short summation here:

1. I'm a 21 year old straight guy.

2. I was in a primarily LDR with ex for nearly 4 years. We met when we were both 16. It was really serious; we talked about getting married a lot.

3. She broke off the relationship in January, giving the reasons of not feeling in love anymore, wanting to explore dating other people, etc. I was totally devastated.

4. I started reading and posting on LS after a couple weeks.

5. I was strict NC from day one until 3 months later, when I asked for my guitar back. I did get it back. Since then, she's sent me one text saying "hey, let's catch up." We've had one small email exchange to "catch up" and nothing more.

 

 

The result of this breakup has been profoundly positive. I've now spent almost all of 2012 single, which I'd never been as an adult. This year has been filled with really great stuff happening in my life, but by far the best thing is I've learned to be happy on my own. Something about facing problems by myself has imbued me with an almost constant optimism and sense of cheer, quite unlike the depressed person I often was over the last 5 years. I'm still single, and have really learned to enjoy life more. Despite the enormous difficulty of getting over the terrible feeling of heartbreak and abandonment, my life is now more fun and easy than it has ever been. It's not totally without complication; I've kinda been yanked around a little bit by this other girl (I mentioned her in a post back in March, I think), but unlike in the past, it doesn't dominate my outlook anymore.

 

Anyway, here's some things I've learned that I hope can help those of you who are just beginning life after a relationship.

 

1. You must reduce contact as much as possible, as soon as possible. (NC or No Contact) This was HUGE for me. Even though I was in a LDR, I still felt the absence like a constant weight for months; nevertheless, I kept NC. However, every time I clicked on her facebook, looked at old pictures of us, it really messed with my head. Don't do it -- don't respond, don't send a text, don't plan to run into your ex, delete their number, unfriend them on Facebook... Get them out of your life, because having someone with that much emotional confusion and pain around is toxic. Once you're totally over the relationship, only then is a reconciliation possible, so don't use that as an excuse.

 

2. Getting over the relationship is going to take a lot of time, so be patient. But it's not just the passing of time, it's what you do actively to heal, so...

 

3. Be prepared to do battle with your own thoughts. I filled my iPhone with notes to myself, unsent notes to my ex, guides on how to get through the day. Your thoughts are difficult to control, but when writing I was able to force myself to frame my train of thoughts in a positive direction. You have to think positively if you want to heal over time. Self-destructive thoughts will keep you stuck at day 1.

 

4. Get out there and live your own new chapter -- when you can. The first day after the breakup, I skipped almost all my classes and spent about 15 hours in bed, mostly crying. But I set myself little goals from day 1 -- I signed up for a gym membership and got back to being athletic (I was a serious athlete in high school). Having a consistent schedule of achievable goals, like getting a workout in, going to a concert with friends, etc. is incredibly important. Also, go make new friends, go buy some new clothes or shoes (within reason), get a new haircut, try a new hobby -- these things will allow you to envision a new version of yourself, rather than the image you have of yourself with your ex.

 

5. Be patient and kind to yourself. "Treat yourself as you want to be treated."Now that you're on your own, you get to decide exactly what's going on in your life and how you feel about what you're doing. If you are feeling great for 2 months, then you break NC suddenly and spend a week in bed in shame and regret, then no big deal! Life isn't over, and tomorrow can still be a fantastic day. Take control, but don't beat yourself up over the end of the relationship, the pain you feel, or anything.

 

6. Look at the breakup as an opportunity to do some life housecleaning. As I said, I was often depressed before the breakup, sometimes because of my ex and often because of my own relationship with myself. I used to self-harm from time to time and made a few weak suicide attempts. I got myself into therapy right away, learned a lot about how my life was shaped by my thought processes, and charted a new course for myself in life, with a more present-oriented mindset.

 

7. Don't worry about the reasons for the end of the relationship. Things are never as they seem, and when your head is clouded in the most emotion it can, you're not thinking clearly. I did so much analysis after we broke up -- I thought about the things she said about falling out of love, about how much we had been fighting. I knew she had said "I still see us together someday," "I want to experience dating and sex with other guys," "there's no one else, it's just me," and a whole host of other things that really messed with my head. We live hundreds of miles apart, but I was back in her neighborhood to meet with an old friend last month. I was on my way to a bar when I saw her, unmistakably, across the street with a guy. My old friend confirmed that she's been "in a relationship" on Facebook with this guy for quite a while. Turns out, it's the guy who she had said was "just a good friend" who she was talking about wanting to have as a new roommate the next year. I'd trusted and believed her, both when she'd told me about him, and also when she told me there was no one else during the breakup. Simply put, people are barely capable of being honest with themselves, never mind being honest with you about the reasons for a breakup. Whatever they are, it doesn't matter. The relationship is broken, it's over, and you have to move on with what you've learned.

 

8. "You better have a damn good reason not to be single." This is something an old friend of mine said to me a few weeks ago. If you treat yourself with respect, have some dignity, then being single is fantastic. You're your own boss, and you're free from, at the very least, a lot of obligation. Don't sacrifice that much of your life for somebody who just isn't worth it. Take it from me... I used to have very bad self-esteem issues, and now I am more happy and confident as a single man than I ever was in a relationship with somebody who frankly was and is very attractive, sweet, and talented. Reason being? No one can cheat on me and lie to me on the scale that she did unless I let them. This means: no rebounds, no trying to get your ex back, no responding to breadcrumbs. Got it?

 

9. "Life exists only in the present moment. To lose the present is to lose life." After a breakup, the past is filled with nostalgic pain and the future filled with uncertainty. Yikes! I think a breakup is a great time to learn to focus on being happy in the present and the long-term above all else. For me, when I decided/learned to be happy with where I am and who I am, everything became easier and fell into place. It's not that I don't still face some difficulties, but it's much easier to take them on when you're enjoying where you are right now.

 

My breakup really did change my life for the better. Breakups are a very painful door-closing-in-face. If you're like me, you had so many expectations and dreams shattered by that (even if you're the dumper). But now you've got the room, the time, and the emotional energy to rebuild and start from scratch. I've learned that, even though I'm still fundamentally the same person, the small changes I've made have made a huge impact on my life and my outlook. If my ex ever wants to "catch up" again, I may actually thank her for ending the relationship.

 

I really hope this helps anyone and everyone who reads all the way through. I'm still on the journey, and it's felt like forever already, but I'm finally to a point where I feel no sadness over the end of the relationship, over the loss of my closest friend... Just a sense of optimism for the future and a joy for the present. I wish you all the very best.

 

I remember you Jus, you are a very sweet-hearted person... we both joined about the same time.

 

Glad you are doing well I am too!

 

And I feel the same... and I feel the need to try to help others who are heartbroken so I am back on the heartbreak board.

 

So nice to hear you are doing well

[sweetheart5381]

I remember you Jus, you are a very sweet-hearted person... we both joined about the same time.

 

Glad you are doing well I am too!

 

And I feel the same... and I feel the need to try to help others who are heartbroken so I am back on the heartbreak board.

 

So nice to hear you are doing well

 

And your mention of the present is my main focus now too. Life happens right now, grab it while you can!

 

The past is gone and the future has not happened yet... have to enjoy the here and now for what it's worth.

[jus d'orange]

Sweetheart -- glad to hear you're doing well as well! I remember your posts back in those days.

 

I totally forgot to add this to my original post:

 

It's so important to find your support systems during a break-up. I'd never been one to talk to my parents or my brothers about my relationship issues, but opening up to my family over the phone and via email about what was going on not only helped me recover, it helped me strengthen my ties with my family and learn how wonderful and supportive they really are. Another important part of my coping system was posting on LS and getting/giving advice. Having a community of people coping gives you a place to be honest without worry about personal judgement from people in your everyday life. I learned so much from posting here and, if I go through another nasty breakup in my life, I'm sure I'll be back here. Between family, friends, and LS, I made it through. Whenever I was tempted to call that number that was etched in my memory, I called my mother instead, and I was so glad of it.

[seemenow]

Great great post!! Very wise and helpful words. Thank you.

[Freshstart637]

Yes very good post. I got over my almost 5yr relationship in about 3 weeks. This is probably because I only really started to love her 5 months before the BU.

 

I couldn't have sum it up better. Spot on. Thanks.

[Dblock10]

Yes very good post. I got over my almost 5yr relationship in about 3 weeks. This is probably because I only really started to love her 5 months before the BU.

 

I couldn't have sum it up better. Spot on. Thanks.

 

over it in 3 weeks? lol thats mad.

 

i must be the weakest person on this board. its been nearly a year and i do still think of her :/