Heartdefeated Posted September 15, 2012 Posted September 15, 2012 This may be a long post so hang in there. I am a 33 year old female who was with my boyfriend for 3 and a half years. We had the most amazing relationship and we rarely fought and we always got along. He is 35 and always brought up the issue of marriage first. After our first year, I moved in with him and his son from a previous marriage (more info on that in a bit). The last year or so, I noticed a slight change in his habits and I could tell that he was having some doubts about proposing. He is going through a very serious time right now and he never deals with his emotions. His mother is very sick and he never dealt with it, now that she is dying and at the point of no return, I think he is depressed since it runs in his family. All of his friends and family love me and they were putting on the pressure to marry me. I never brought it up so that didn't feel the pressure from me. He also never dealt with the feelings of failure from his previos marriage since she was a stripper that he impregnated and his family basically forced him to marry her. He never loved her and they fought like cats and dogs since they were so incompatible. Anyways, out of the blue, we went from being a very loving happy couple to him calling me when he was out of town and telling me that he loved me but that he was unsure that he wanted to marry me and that he needed time to figure out what he wanted. He had been drinking more lately and seemed really lost. He said that the fact that he knows he wants to be with other women must mean that I am not "the one" and that it really bothered him. He also stated that he knew I loved his son more than his own mother and that I had always been perfect, he just wasn't sure that he believed in marriage anymore. His last wife left him after one year and took half of his assets. She was beneath him in every way and I don't think he ever faced the fact he made a mistake in marrying a selfish, angry woman. He would always tell me that I was too good for him as well. It has been one week and he calls me to ask if I'm ok, but he shows no emotion. He says he really cares about me and that he just needs to be alone to fix things in his life. He did mention that he will date though. Could it be that his depression led him to focus on all my negative qualities (everyone has them) and obsess to the point where he believes that grass is greener on the other side? I am very mature and in love, so I moved out in a few days, never yelled at him or became cross. I explained to him that I would be willing to give him as much time and space as he needs to fix his issues. I really believe that we are good together and that we will marry someday. He already bought his own wedding band, but he never bought my engagement ring. I am trying to move on and understand that I may never get another chance. He would always say that he would never leave me and that he wanted us to work. He just knows he has to be alone right now to see if there is anything else out there for him. Could this be G.I.G.S.? Am I doing the right thing by being friendly, yet giving him his space? I am in so much pain right now, yet I want him to find out why he feels he needs more. Any advice would be great. Sorry for the rambling post.
amaninlove Posted September 16, 2012 Posted September 16, 2012 From a man's perspective, I can only say that - having read your post, it sounds like he hit an emotional brick-wall if you will - and has found that his life has too many question marks. This could be wrong, but was my gut instinct when I read it. Particularly the drinking point, which I once suffered from. It is uncanny how your story sounds like mine. I suffer from depression and have done for the entirety of the relationship. It makes you feel as if you are not good enough for anyone - it makes you question those around you that offer you love, and it makes you push away those who truly do give it to you unconditionally. Sometimes - perhaps (and based on your reply to my post), it is best to try to work on yourself first, fix or at least begin to improve on those issues that have ultimately caused the breakup. Perhaps that is something he is trying to do before he can truly give himself and his heart to you. I only wish that we, as people, would just be upfront (and I include myself in that) and tell each other - hey, I'm ****ed up right now, ok, and I'm terrified, overweight, depressed and useless - and I want to marry you some day and I want you to have my children. Can you give me 4 months to do this without us losing this relationship forever? Finally, if he says he cares about you and needs to fix things, he is making an effort to let you know that you are still very important to him. My opinion, as a man. HTH. I am sorry for how it makes you feel, as I myself am now experiencing, latently, 4 months into the breakup.
Author Heartdefeated Posted September 16, 2012 Author Posted September 16, 2012 Wow. That is exactly how I think he feels, but is unable to say so due to the pent up emotions that he is unable to cope with right now. It's odd how hearing the perspective from someone who has been through the same thing that I can imagine he is going through gives me comfort. Although I am hurt by our separation, I love him selflessly enough to understand that he needs time and space to mend. If it gives you any comfort, I can tell you that she must really love you, but time has built a tiny wall around her heart that she must now protect for a while. She went into survival mode (as I am now) and may be afraid to let you in just yet. If she does decide to take you back (and I hope she does), remember that there may be times where the spark is gone, you may not feel worthy, or you may think she's crazy to love you, but that her love is true. I wish I could say those things to him, but I am am giving him the time he needs. Good luck and thank you for posting a reply!
amaninlove Posted September 16, 2012 Posted September 16, 2012 good luck to you too, all the very best - and I hope you find what you are looking for and it works out for you. i've learned a lot reading this (and other) posts, and I think patience is a word that rings in my ears now. And thank you so much for saying that. I don't want to hold out hope, as it looks pretty bleak, but I just sent an email, the only one I will send - and took me 2 hours to write - in my heart, in my gut, it felt like I wanted to put my feelings, intentions and respect for her need for space on paper. Now I can back off, having said I need to heal. I've said my intentions, and my love. I can leave her alone now, knowing she knows. Time will tell. Now it's up to time.
Calico Posted September 16, 2012 Posted September 16, 2012 It doesn't look like G.I.G.S., just like a man who doesn't know what he wants -- and the alcohol certainly will not help him to figure that out. Depression is probably a good guess, but there is a good chance that he's simply not in love with you and wants to get away from the relationship. He may well feel bad about that, too, which could explain the drinking. I'd consider going NC, if you feel that you're ready to move on a little. Waiting around for him is not "giving space". I think this is over, even if you managed to get back together for a while. (Sorry, a little blunt -- pretty low on positive energy today, used it up yesterday!)
TopCat22 Posted September 16, 2012 Posted September 16, 2012 It won't be easy to hear but this sounds like it is all his issue. He's got a lot of emotional baggage from this previous marriage. I'm not sure there is anything you can do, it is something he has to deal with and work through. It's good that you have been mature about things, but I think you need to go NC and make him realise what he'll be missing if you're gone. It's the only way he can really assess what he wants. Let him do that. Give him time and space.
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