ImperfectionisBeauty Posted September 15, 2012 Posted September 15, 2012 Ok so I have a playlist on my iphone called "otherones" and all the songs are about cheating and being the other woman in a relationship and my favorite song is "Does He Love You" by Reba and it made me think about like do "other women" think about the wife whose husband she is with? I was technically never the other woman since I never slept with Josh (his name ) but I knew about his fiancee and saw pictures of her, I knew their "story" I did care and then I didn't care. At first I was like "omg I can't do this he has a fiancee and children etc etc..." then I was just like whatever, I don't know her she doesn't know me and I don't owe her anything (a bad way to look at it), then I thought about the song and I was like she gets him ALL THE TIME for the rest of forever I don't think one day out of the week for a few hours with me would hurt anyone. Those were my thoughts but thats just me personally and since nothing became of he and I, I guess there is nothing for me to think about anymore. I just want other opinions
AnotherRound Posted September 15, 2012 Posted September 15, 2012 Yes, I did think of her. I'm not sure if that's bc I was a BW previously or not. I remembered well the pain that I went through when it happened to me. But I also remembered that I got over it, and that it ended up working out in the best interest for everyone involved. And that it forced me to evaluate why I chose my exH as a partner, and how I kept trying to make something work that was most likely NEVER going to work. So, yes, I thought of her in that way. Otherwise, not much, in that I didn't consider it a competition between her and I at all. And, I was dating SGs off and on too, so I wasn't just sitting around waiting for exMM to leave her and be with me, which probably helped.
TaraMaiden Posted September 15, 2012 Posted September 15, 2012 If I'm not very much mistaken, you've received umpteen 'opinions' in your other threads. I'm curious as to why you are perpetuating more of the same, when I'm pretty sure you know full well what kinds of responses you're going to get....
SecretFlower Posted September 16, 2012 Posted September 16, 2012 I thought of her a lot and always felt really guilty for how selfish we both were. I have to admit that I rarely thought of her during the affair. For me, it was easier (it had to be, we went on for 7 years) if I blocked her out of my life and considered our relationships separate. Now, I still think about her, but I think the extremes of how I saw her have changed. She's not an oblivious villain, and she isn't the wronged broken down woman either. She's just a woman who's husband I had an affair with. She's just a person.
shaken_not_stirred Posted September 16, 2012 Posted September 16, 2012 I thought of her a lot and always felt really guilty for how selfish we both were. I have to admit that I rarely thought of her during the affair. For me, it was easier (it had to be, we went on for 7 years) if I blocked her out of my life and considered our relationships separate. Now, I still think about her, but I think the extremes of how I saw her have changed. She's not an oblivious villain, and she isn't the wronged broken down woman either. She's just a woman who's husband I had an affair with. She's just a person. I also think about his wife and I'm the one on a daily basis that says this needs to stop and she deserves to know the truth. I often feel I care more about her then he does, however he does love two woman and it's not easy on any of us. Go figure I'm the one she hates and wishes I would die.
wanting more Posted September 16, 2012 Posted September 16, 2012 I didn't think about her during the affair. I think of her all the time now, I know I've hurt her deeply. And it was all for a stupid A that I thought I was "special".
shaken_not_stirred Posted September 16, 2012 Posted September 16, 2012 Ok so I have a playlist on my iphone called "otherones" and all the songs are about cheating and being the other woman in a relationship and my favorite song is "Does He Love You" by Reba and it made me think about like do "other women" think about the wife whose husband she is with? I was technically never the other woman since I never slept with Josh (his name ) but I knew about his fiancee and saw pictures of her, I knew their "story" I did care and then I didn't care. At first I was like "omg I can't do this he has a fiancee and children etc etc..." then I was just like whatever, I don't know her she doesn't know me and I don't owe her anything (a bad way to look at it), then I thought about the song and I was like she gets him ALL THE TIME for the rest of forever I don't think one day out of the week for a few hours with me would hurt anyone. Those were my thoughts but thats just me personally and since nothing became of he and I, I guess there is nothing for me to think about anymore. I just want other opinions I just downloaded the song by Reba, and I'm sitting here in tears. OMG can I totally relate. It's as if the song was written about my relationship the only difference is I get his daytime not night time. 1
Author ImperfectionisBeauty Posted September 16, 2012 Author Posted September 16, 2012 I think it's sad she doesn't appreciate what she has...but I try not to think of her, her behavior frequently makes me queasy and I don't understand it. If your question is do I feel BAD or guilty? The honest and probably unpopular answer is no, no I do not. I'd rather she not be hurt in this situation but not enough to stop seeing him, not enough to give him up. If any of the time he gives to me were times that she might actually engage with him then it's possible I might have felt guilty over it, but as it stands right now, nope. She had her chance, she couldn't be bothered. If you don't mind me asking how did you meet him? For you seek out a married man or it just happened? I think it would be mysterious that's what attracts me to it the risk. My therapist said a lot of people are Like that
ThatJustHappened Posted September 16, 2012 Posted September 16, 2012 No, I don't think of her. I know her, met her, had dinner at his house while they were engaged. I don't care about her. I don't know why. I just don't. It's because she has something I think I might want. I just think she's pathetic. She saw him trying to kiss me on the mouth when I was leaving his party. She had her chance to leave him then. SHe didn't, so she signed up for this. She knew how he was, yet she married him anyway. So...his wife is pathetic for staying with him even though she knows what kind of person he is..and now you 'might' want to sign up for the same thing? Seems logical. Wouldn't that also make you pathetic if you were to steal him away from his wife and be in a relationship with him? 2
Silly_Girl Posted September 16, 2012 Posted September 16, 2012 I thought about his wife a lot. I hated that we knew stuff she didn't, and that we were making plans to be together and yet she didn't understand why she couldn't get him to commit to a holiday the following month. We split up for a period because he went back on his promise to tell her of us. When she did find out she reacted exactly as I predicted (and tried to 'win him back') and her overwhelming message was: I understand how and why you met someone, and that you fell in love, but NO WAY should you have lied and deceived and showed me no respect after ten years of marriage. I used to have bad dreams in which she featured and I would be trying to seek her out so I could put her in the picture, but I never go to her. So yes, she definitely featured in my life during the affair part of the relationship.
Author ImperfectionisBeauty Posted September 16, 2012 Author Posted September 16, 2012 I'm not going to share where we met as it would be rather identifying. I knew he was married, there was nothing "mysterious" or "storybook" or "overly romantic" about it. He was a nice guy, he was cute, he was fun, we were friendly. I have my own reasons for not wanting to get seriously involved with someone who would want a future wtih me, but it didn't mean that I didn't want affection and physical intimacy. The only problem with picking a guy you LIKE for a friends with benefits arrangement is that...as the quote goes, "Love is friendship set on fire" and it didn't take very long before we realized how much we had in common, how easy it was for us to talk and how much we enjoyed each other with beds nowhere in sight. There was an extended period where we weren't physically intimate at all and yet, during that time, instead of things dissolved, as I had expected they could... we became closer and closer. Now we are very deeply in love, and truly in over our heads in a lot of ways, and what I was trying to avoid to begin with has happened, he wants a future I can't promise him and I don't want to destroy the fairly decent relationship he had with his wife. It comes down to the fact that he was never UNhappy with her, something was definatly missing, she's kind of a raging bitch a lot of the time and she's not as affectionate (yes, affection matters more than sex sometimes) as he'd like, but he does love her. The problem is now he says that even though he wasn't unhappy with her, he'll be miserable without me. That's why on your other thread I cautioned you about it not being a great idea. I was selfish to want something from someone that didn't belong to me, I admit that, I own that... but what should have been simple wasn't, and you never see the pitfalls. I was never attracted to the risk. I was attracted to him. I know you say it isn't storybook or romantic but your story just fascinates me it is kind of romantic that you 2 fell in love. I know that would have never happened with me and assuming you saw my other post I am not going to sleep with him, he stopped contacting me haha. But yeah it's a really romantic thing I think In your case. So there is no chance of you 2 being together ever? Like officially? Are you ok with that? I'm not sure of your age but assuming you are not 50 or older what about your own possible marriage and children do you want that? Sorry for all the questions you don't have to answer i just wonder
shaken_not_stirred Posted September 16, 2012 Posted September 16, 2012 So...his wife is pathetic for staying with him even though she knows what kind of person he is..and now you 'might' want to sign up for the same thing? Seems logical. Wouldn't that also make you pathetic if you were to steal him away from his wife and be in a relationship with him? How do you steal a person? Sorry to say but you don't own your spouse or your AP for that matter. Funny how a bs doesn't take care of their belongings until someone else comes along to pick up the slack. 1
veryhappy Posted September 16, 2012 Posted September 16, 2012 Yes, I did. I was actually first done with having her in my life, months before I was done with him. The A was partly surrogate therapy for him, and I'm a good listener and try to solve all problems, so we fell into that dynamic of me helping him. It became too much for me, and I couldn't quite get out of it. It was just insane that I knew and talked so much about a woman who wouldn't want me in her life if she knew about me, and who I certainly didn't want in my life.
skylarblue Posted September 16, 2012 Posted September 16, 2012 Yes, I thought about the W often, but not in the "I feel guilty" way. More like the "ha ha I got your H" and "I want to know every detail about you" obsessive, ego fueled, sexually excited, game playing kind of way. I was attracted to the wedding ring (in general) so the W and thought of her was essential for me. As sorry as it sounds, I needed her and the role/position she played. Very few times did I ever think about the pain I could (and did eventually) cause her and feel bad about it during the A (for years I didn't feel a twinge of guilt and was quite proud actually). It wasn't until towards the end of the A when I really started to think and feel differently about her and the whole situation. Almost a year out, I think about her rarely (even though I still talk to him). Normally, just a fleeting thought her with him, a brief sigh of sadness, and then back to normal. 1
Silly_Girl Posted September 16, 2012 Posted September 16, 2012 What do you mean by the above? Are you married to him now? No, we split up but most of last year was spent with him in a 'proper' relationship and his wife knew, we stayed with his family a few times etc. He lives thousands of miles away now. But it was good while it lasted
Silly_Girl Posted September 16, 2012 Posted September 16, 2012 Ok, Silly Girl. You know I really do feel sorry for the MM's wife I was thinking of becoming involved with physically, but only so much because she knew how he was when she married him. If that's the case that would potentially be the same for you if you 'bagged' him, huh? Not a nice prospect. 4
cocorico Posted September 16, 2012 Posted September 16, 2012 *Ever* think of her, well yes she crossed my mind once or twice, in the same way I might think about purple or chess or Alaska. But I did not invest any time thinking about her as she was not remotely relevant to our R. 1
woinlove Posted September 16, 2012 Posted September 16, 2012 When I was an OW, I never thought much about the BW. I was selfish and into getting my own needs met, and my needs did not require me to care much about MM's life outside of the time we spent together - in fact, my needs were better met at the time by not caring about such matters. Anything and anyone he had in his life that didn't directly bring me fun and enjoyment, was not something I spent much time thinking about. Things would be very different for me now and are completely different with my H. I really love and care about my H and so I care about all the connections and activities in his life and how they affect him. I think an OW who felt like that would be more likely to feel guilt and other bad feelings. I didn't feel guilt or bad feelings as an OW and was happy to simply not think of his BW. I realize some OW spend time thinking about the BW, not with guilt or caring, but with anger and contempt. Can't say that is a state I understand, as it clearly doesn't bring fun and enjoyment and it also doesn't seem like a sign of really caring and feeling connected to others. Maybe it is some kind of suppressed guilt. Not sure. Or maybe it is connected to jealousy in some cases. 2
Author ImperfectionisBeauty Posted September 16, 2012 Author Posted September 16, 2012 Do you ever feel lonely? Like he isn't really yours? I think if I actually cared about him beyond sex I would be sad.
ThatJustHappened Posted September 17, 2012 Posted September 17, 2012 How do you steal a person? Sorry to say but you don't own your spouse or your AP for that matter. Funny how a bs doesn't take care of their belongings until someone else comes along to pick up the slack. Yeah, I think it's pretty clear that 'steal' is not meant in the most literal sense. People do not own people, of course you cannot literally steal someone away from someone else. But you can attempt to lure him away from his wife, who he has promised his love, loyalty, and fidelity to..and that is wrong. Bolded- So when a person cheats, it's the fault of the BS for not keeping them satisfied? Justify justify justify.
AnotherRound Posted September 17, 2012 Posted September 17, 2012 Yeah, I think it's pretty clear that 'steal' is not meant in the most literal sense. People do not own people, of course you cannot literally steal someone away from someone else. But you can attempt to lure him away from his wife, who he has promised his love, loyalty, and fidelity to..and that is wrong. Bolded- So when a person cheats, it's the fault of the BS for not keeping them satisfied? Justify justify justify. Just an aside, but in my situation, I did absolutely no "luring". And even if had "lured", if he came at my call, it was still his decision at the end of the day. I don't believe in that, men can't help themselves stuff at all. Of course they can, they just choose not to sometimes. That's not justification, its just truth. What's the line in the Eagles song? "ah but she can't take you any way, you don't already know how to go"....
ThatJustHappened Posted September 17, 2012 Posted September 17, 2012 Just an aside, but in my situation, I did absolutely no "luring". And even if had "lured", if he came at my call, it was still his decision at the end of the day. I don't believe in that, men can't help themselves stuff at all. Of course they can, they just choose not to sometimes. That's not justification, its just truth. What's the line in the Eagles song? "ah but she can't take you any way, you don't already know how to go".... I was talking specifically about Tara, who is trying very deliberately to lure a married man away from his wife.
chinneytan Posted September 20, 2012 Posted September 20, 2012 Well, definitely. I was eager to know how she looks like. Whats her number and did she even suspect her husband is thousand of miles away and sleeping right beside me. Telling me how much he loves me (might not be true, but who cares), and spending his time with me. Having said that, the only hurt that i constantly have is, he has a son and a legal wife. I will always be the OW whom ppl view as a morally bad person. I dunno if i ever want them to be divorced. Or if i will marry him if he did, i guess not. My selfishness wants him only for myself and the only good thing about this A is i know he is home with me everyday, not with his wife.
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