iwillwait Posted September 15, 2012 Posted September 15, 2012 (edited) Just need to vent, I suppose. I've been seeing my MM for a year. The A began 3 months after he got married. We were friends at first, just talking and working out together (both military). Over the next 7 months, being away at military training together, we fell in love. Neither of us have felt anything like this before, what we have is rare. When we arrived home, MM told his W about the A and tried leaving her for me. She fought it and begged him to go to counseling to try and save the M. He told me that in order to do this, he needed to end things with me. (During counseling, she admitted to not being in love with him when they got married, or for three years prior, and that she, herself, also had an affair. He'd known about her not loving him, and suspected an affair, which is what lead him to stray in the first place.) Our NC lasted all of 3 days, when we met and talked. He told me he'd been miserable without me, and was at that point being 100% honest with us both, he was tired of lying. He had told his W he was meeting with me to talk, she called him asking why, he told her that he was in love with me, and wanted to be with me. After a week or so, we were back to seeing each other. He was still living with her, but would tell her each time he'd see me. When she asked how he could love us both, he responded telling her that he didn't love her any longer, and he was in love with me. When she asked why he continues to stay with her rather than come to me, it's because he told her he wouldn't run, and that he'd try. It continued like that until a couple of weeks later he asked her to move out, and she did. He was proceeding with the divorce. He told me that he needed time alone at this point, he was going to going through a rough time and just needed space and didn't want to hurt me while he went through it. A week later we spoke again and he had missed me. He had been in contact with his supervisor at work, telling her about the situation, his separation and me. He had told her that he thinks of me all of the time, and misses me. That he feels crazy because he just wants to drop everything and come to me, to be with me. He said how much he loves me and wants to end up with me, he just feels it impossible because of where he is at mentally right now. (I saw the email conversations between him and his supervisor) For two weeks we took things slow, we were amazing. Went on dates, and it felt like the beginning of a new relationship, and not like an affair. We were both extremely happy, excited to be together and to be doing things right. Out of nowhere, hours after meeting for lunch and having an amazing time, he called me. He was with her. She needed him to try again. He said, with me on speaker phone and her in the room "I'm looking her in the face, telling her things will not work out for her and I, but she needs me to try anyway." So, he ended things with me again. He emailed me two days later telling me I don't deserve this treatment, and he's a terrible person for doing this to me, and he deserves to be alone. I reassured him that he's not a terrible person, that we started this off wrong, but we've a chance to do it right, when he's divorced. She keeps talking down to him, calling him awful and making him feel like **** all the time. He broke my heart by going back to her again, but I understand. (I've been divorced for two years now, understand the back and forth) I still love him and am waiting, patiently and faithfully for him to come back to me. I know it's only a matter of time, it just hurts right now. I love him so much, and I know we're meant to be together. We're the same person, and the love we have for each other is something truly rare. I guess I just needed to vent, and tell my story without being judged. Edited September 15, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Paragraphs
eleanorrigby Posted September 15, 2012 Posted September 15, 2012 Could you throw some breaks in your post please? It's difficult to read.
carhill Posted September 15, 2012 Posted September 15, 2012 OP, welcome to LS and I echo the prior poster's request for future postings. I'll alert a moderator and maybe they can break your post up into paragraphs. Regarding the topic, if he has expressed interest in 'trying' again with his wife, then my advice would be to acknowledge that formally, then cut contact completely, advising him to contact you only if/when he has completed a divorce and the judgment is filed. One aspect to consider is, being military, his career is at risk if he is adjudicated as having an adulterous affair. The military takes a dim view of their rank and file having affairs and leaving dependents betrayed and high and dry. He would be wise to assess that risk in his decision-making process. I'm unclear how such a liaison would affect your career but a perusal of the UCMJ might lend insight. Good luck. 1
AnotherRound Posted September 16, 2012 Posted September 16, 2012 He is obviously in the back and forth of the separation/divorce period, as you are aware and stated in your post. It is probably going to be a roller coaster of up and down. He is going to make a decision, then have buyer's remorse, question that decision... wash, rinse, repeat. I have chosen to not be on that roller coaster with my exMM. You have a choice to make now too. Do you want to go along for the ride? Or, should you leave them to it so that he can make an honest decision and finalize his relationship with his wife, however it turns out? I won't tell you what you should do, but in my case, I'm leaving them to it. I don't want him by default. I don't want to manipulate and influence his decisions. I want exMM to make his own decisions, independent of me so that he ends up exactly where he wants to be. Otherwise, I don't think he will be happy or satisfied, if he feels like he didn't make the decisions himself. It is hard to give up someone that you love and care about and share something special with. But, they aren't the only person in the world that you can have that intimacy with, there are always others that you have that possibility with. If he chooses to stay in his marriage, I would totally leave them alone so that they can have the relationship that they want. Not easy to do always, but it is what I am doing, and it's really not terribly hard... and not nearly as hard as I previously thought it would be. 1
MissBee Posted September 16, 2012 Posted September 16, 2012 (edited) Something is off in this story to me... I agree that he is being terrible...to both of you! I do get not wanting to completely give up etc. but if he is not inlove with her, what is there to really TRY about? Try to be in love? I don't get it. If he knows he doesn't want to be with her and wants you and if she didn't love him blah blah what's the point of the theatrics of acting like a martyr, calling the OW with the wife in the room and putting it on speaker phone and saying "See...I don't want her but she wants me so I must try"...it's all a HUGE waste of time, it's disrespectful on his part, it's just a hot mess! He needs to make firm decisions and follow through. Not have two women looking like idiots for his sake. If he knows he doesn't want her, don't give it a phony try. A try can only work if something is there to salvage and you just need help salvaging it...you have to want it. If he is 100% sure he wants you, then he should be firm about that, or at the least, not call you on speaker phone and act like he's being held hostage. That is so rude! A man who cares about either of you would never do such a petty thing. There are ways to handle such situation with a lot more class and respect for both women. I think you should leave him alone and allow him to work out whatever this is and if and when he finally makes a real choice, you get with him. But from what he's showing he doesn't seem to be very good about decision making and following his own sense of what's right and what he needs. Edited September 16, 2012 by MissBee 3
veryhappy Posted September 16, 2012 Posted September 16, 2012 I'm sorry you are in pain. He's a poor victim, isn't he? He has to work on the marriage, although if that invisible force wouldn't keep him there. It's not by his choice anyway, it's life, fate or who knows?! First thing to do: protect your professional life at any cost, him included. Second: do not feel his back and forth. He'll come back to you, he'll return to her. Repeat until you'll forget how it feels to be normal. It might take you a few back and forth cycles, but know the only way to stop your pain is to cut him out of you life. Stick a bow on him, send him to her, and ask him to not contact you. Give him the bliss of his marriage fully unsweetened by the affair.
Author iwillwait Posted September 16, 2012 Author Posted September 16, 2012 In regards to him trying with her, she told him that she had hoped that they could "find each other" again, basically fall back in love with each other.
mercy Posted September 16, 2012 Posted September 16, 2012 I love him so much, and I know we're meant to be together. We're the same person, and the love we have for each other is something truly rare. I guess I just needed to vent, and tell my story without being judged. You are military, yes? Are you contacting him through your military email address? Is it of a personal nature? Is it during work hours? Did he send you copies of the emails of his supervisor through his military email address? Are you using military computers to contact each other? Do you realize that all of your emails are the property of the military? The above statement of yours in bold - You are not one person, you are two. Unfortunately you will realize this if and when the emails come to light if the wife chooses to use them against you and/or her husband. Don't throwaway your career. Both of you could face serious consequences for your actions. In my opinion, he's playing you and probably her too. Being separated from your spouse, while serving in the military, is still married. Time for you to step back, take a long hard look at your life, not his and surely not hers. Allow them to settle their marriage. 1
ThatJustHappened Posted September 16, 2012 Posted September 16, 2012 In regards to him trying with her, she told him that she had hoped that they could "find each other" again, basically fall back in love with each other. And in simpler terms (as LadyGrey said above): He chose her.
shaken_not_stirred Posted September 16, 2012 Posted September 16, 2012 1. He IS terrible, not for what he does to you, you asked for it, for what he does to her. She's supposed to stroke his ego like a mistres and tell him he's not? She's bad for telling him the truth, that he is awful? See how unfair of you to think she's doing wrong and you right? She is telling him what he needs to hear even of he doesn't like it. She is actually caring about him more than you are and not just pacifying him. She is holding him accountable. 2. You don't want to be "judged" you say. But you want opinions and tht requires judgment. If you were honest you'd say you want to be told you're not bad and get approval and validation. I don't do that for affairs. If he's so awful why does the bs keep begging him to keep trying, he chose the ap not his wife. He's just waiting for his wife to get it, have her end the marriage so he doesn't have to. 1
shaken_not_stirred Posted September 16, 2012 Posted September 16, 2012 (edited) I would say wait for him but date on the side and if someone comes along then go for it. His marriage will forever be fractured from the loss of trust the affair causes. You do what's best for you. Edited September 20, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator removed inflammatory comment 2
AnotherRound Posted September 16, 2012 Posted September 16, 2012 In regards to him trying with her, she told him that she had hoped that they could "find each other" again, basically fall back in love with each other. This isn't that uncommon. Sometimes, people facing the end of a relationship, tend to only remember the "good" things in that relationship, and so they crave to continue it. Sometimes, the two people involved CAN fall in love again... but it's not likely, esp if there was an A. Relationships can be damaged beyond repair, and this could be one of those... or maybe not. There is no way for you to tell. I think it's noble that he is attempting to try to re-find what he had with her before (if they ever had something worth salvaging). I think it's probably misguided, and will probably fail, but I think it's noble and good intentioned for them to try. Like I said, I would NOT ride that roller coaster with him. You are watching the death throes of their current relationship. It may end up completely dead, or they may start a whole new, and different relationship, with one another. I think you need to prepare for either scenario, and protect your own feelings and involvement, and leave them to it. Just my 2 cents. 2
AnotherRound Posted September 16, 2012 Posted September 16, 2012 If he's so awful why does the bs keep begging him to keep trying, he chose the ap not his wife. He's just waiting for his wife to get it, have her end the marriage so he doesn't have to. Good point. There are situations where one partner just refuses to let it go, despite what they are being told, or what they know deep down. Like I said, death throes. It will work itself out eventually, unless she's a lunatic and NEVER lets it go, which also happens from time to time. I will be interested to see how this one plays out... 1
underwater2010 Posted September 18, 2012 Posted September 18, 2012 I would just let him know that once his divorce papers are signed and if you are still single and interested to call you. In the meantime, find something to do with yourself. Get out there and see if you can find someone that is not in a broken part of their life. He is not in a good place right now. Although the affair caused it, the current situation has nothing to do with you. You cannot force someone to chose you, you can only hope he will. 1
RickFox Posted September 18, 2012 Posted September 18, 2012 Echoing others, he chose his wife plain and simple, stringing you along. Your love is no more rare than the rest of the other members who have been in affairs and felt the same pull only to have the rug yanked out from under them. You need to move on with your life and leave him be to his. 1
truthbetold Posted September 18, 2012 Posted September 18, 2012 If he's so awful why does the bs keep begging him to keep trying, he chose the ap not his wife. He's just waiting for his wife to get it, have her end the marriage so he doesn't have to. Seriously? because if so and Why is it he can't exactly grow a pair and end it himself? And seriously want is so appealing about a guy that has his jewels in his wife's handbag? (disclaimer : if that is the case and he's not feeding you bs) You are seriously going to have a lousy relationship if he's THIS conflict avoidant and waits for others to make decisions. Even *if* he were free, don't think that wouldn't affect a relationship you would have with him. This is who he is. And FTR not everyone is either a OW or a BS let alone bitter on this site. Some of us fall into neither camp, anyone can post here. 2
woinlove Posted September 18, 2012 Posted September 18, 2012 Actually, NO. He chose them both. He is selfish and he wants to cake eat. The only reason it "appears" that he chose his wife is he wants to protect his military career. Do the reasons matter? Whether he is choosing to stay married for career, love, codependency, sex, inertia, money, children, convenience, the cooking, relatives, laziness, stupidity,.... does it matter?
Mme. Chaucer Posted September 18, 2012 Posted September 18, 2012 Actually, NO. He chose them both. He is selfish and he wants to cake eat. The only reason it "appears" that he chose his wife is he wants to protect his military career. How and why do you think you know his motivations? And, there is a fact here that you are (predictably) pretending doesn't exist. Yes, he ENDED the affair, and CHOSE his wife. Whether the marriage endures or not, I don't think that the affair will amount to anything in the future.
2sure Posted September 18, 2012 Posted September 18, 2012 If he can man up enough to tell his wife that he loves the OW and not her... And leave not once but twice...he certainly can man up to getting a divorce. Especially from a woman who admits she doesn't live him Especially when he is as sure as he says he is about OW. Especially when he freely discusses all of this with his supervisor. That's impossible. It is as if he both agrees with and lies to whoever he is in front of from moment to moment. 7
Mme. Chaucer Posted September 19, 2012 Posted September 19, 2012 Hmmm, from reading the story, somehow I don't think this is the case, Alice. "Think" is the operative word? His marriage might be toast, but he's still in it. The affair, though, is long gone.
sleepie Posted September 19, 2012 Posted September 19, 2012 Ok, so military people--especially two military people--run a slightly higher risk having an A because, technically, an A can be used against them in military court. Not likely, but still possible. That said, just from reading what you wrote, I'd say this guy is playing you. And believe me, I know how hard that is to read. Although I believe my own xMOM loved me, I also believed he played me. Like a damn fiddle. And I think he would continue to play me if I let him. They can love you and play you at the same time, not matter what purists may say. It's just... they love themselves more. Step back. Take a breath. Find yourself. If his marriage is on the rocks and you have a rare love, then he will come back. Guaranteed. As cliched as it may sound, if he never comes back, then he never really loved. So use this time to find yourself again. To know yourself again. And after time and space and perspective, if you two still have this love, then act on it.
Author iwillwait Posted September 19, 2012 Author Posted September 19, 2012 He left his wife a couple days ago. Explained everything to me, and apologized. He is in counseling and is working on his own issues now. We'll see where this goes once he's ready to move on.
2sure Posted September 19, 2012 Posted September 19, 2012 He left his wife a couple days ago. Explained everything to me, and apologized. He is in counseling and is working on his own issues now. We'll see where this goes once he's ready to move on. I " Liked" this post initially because thats whats supposed to happen . He decided to leave. But I took my "Like " away ! I just find that word.. Explained...so often the truth is transparent and lies require "Explanations", often complicated and conflicting as you have already pointed out. Totally agree with Wait and See as long as you are moveing on while waiting to see what he does and not simply waiting for him.
Recommended Posts