amaninlove Posted September 15, 2012 Posted September 15, 2012 Hi. I wanted to share my story, in the hope that others might find it helpful, and perhaps offer me some words of advice or wisdom based on their situation. I guess last night I finally realised it was over between me and her. We went on a break in May and at that time, I was going through a mountain of turmoil due to the recent diagnosis that my mother was very ill. I had reached a point where I needed to be honest with my girlfriend about how I felt I needed to fix myself and that we also needed to have a think about why we were in a stagnant place romantically. We had become, over a decade - best friends, hard to describe - but lifelong companions, she was (and still is) the first person I would naturally want to share good, bad and all news. I trust her more than I trust anyone else, and I would probably give my life for her. But the romantic and passionate side died down over a number of years, and the arguments started causing damage - arguments that most of the time had to do with frustration we felt in ourselves about our own separate lives. I felt, in May that I was giving us a chance to take a step back and decide how we felt and what we both wanted. Over that period in May June, I essentially pushed her away, as she says "a little too far" and didn't want any physical affection when we saw each other. We kept seeing each other and texting, emailing and staying on hold, in limbo. Come July, I feel (in retrospect) she had started to move on and let me go, to protect herself. Around the same time I started to feel this horrific empty feeling which I didn't quite understand. I was coming to terms with the fact that I missed her terribly - physically, emotionally - it was all-consuming. Around this same time she started (I felt) to distance herself from me and began to suggest we came to a decision soon for the sake of our sanity. About 2 weeks ago we spent the whole day and evening together, and had a classic "us" day and night. We really enjoyed each other's company - we laughed, talked, cooked food together and it was like the good old days. That night, when she left - I felt it was so wrong and unnatural. So I texted her that I wished she would have stayed and that it felt so right for her to stay. That I missed her. The next day I received a long email essentially spelling out why she felt we were not right for each other, and a lot of the responsibility was placed on her having failed me. The email was a massive shock, and very final. Since then we have seen each other three times - which brings my story up to date to last night. There was a great deal of crying, a great deal of time spent trying to find a shred of hope in her that I could latch on to, and suggest that we give it one final try. She asked me to define this, and I did - and she told me she did not want to be intimate with me. I asked her why that was so definite in her mind and she hinted at protecting herself. The last thing we said - amongst all the upset - was that (in my grief) I said I would leave a little crack open in the door for her - but not if there was no hope - as I will have to get over this. She said that maybe - let's say in 2 years - I might want to come round and knock on that door and see if it's still open and if anyone's home. She says she has lost herself and doesn't know who she is - and she wants her (and me) to grow as people. Am I being asked to wait - and I know I have to give her space - but am I not supposed to be fighting for her now instead of letting her go - possibly forever? Thank you very much for listening. I really appreciate it.
Heartdefeated Posted September 15, 2012 Posted September 15, 2012 I am going through what I think your ex went through. My boyfriend of 3 and a half years broke it off because he knew the next step was engagement (I wrote a post if you can give me advice from a male perspective). He became scared and began to only focus on the fact that we never fight so that must mean we don't have a deep relationship and the fact that he wanted other women. He told me that he needs space and he has been pushing me away emotionally. I am afraid that he will hurt me again since I know he still loves me, but is looking for greener pastures that don't exist (perfection). I know he will return, but I'm afraid I will have moved on by then to protect myself. Your girlfriend is afraid that you will leave her again "for space" especially since you stated that the "passion" was gone. Passion and even attraction waxes and wanes in true love, men sometimes have a hard time with this and doubt their love. Give her time and space, if she returns, treat her with the respect she deserves.
Author amaninlove Posted September 16, 2012 Author Posted September 16, 2012 Heartdefeated, thank you for your reply, and I am sorry for what you've gone through. In our case, the passion was always something we didn't work hard enough at - after such a long time together, couples can sometimes become complacent, comfortable and safe - and you make less effort that you made at the start of the relationship. I am currently reading the Lost Guide to No Contact - and I'm trying to decide if I can lessen contact (to protect my current hurt) without totally alienating her or making her feel that I've moved on. You're right, I do need to give her time, and space. In order to do this, I must try to get over her... It's a cliche'd song, but it really is true - sometimes you don't know what you've got, until it's gone.
fallen.angel Posted September 16, 2012 Posted September 16, 2012 Im going through a difficult part of my relationship as well. I think you should at this time be there for her when she needs u, let her know u are sorry for what happened and that u will wait to get her back, and through that time u are ready to stand by her side. Let her feel loved and cared for because thats the one thing women need most and guys are sometimes clueless. By keeping in touch and letting her know you will do what it takes to make amends she will know u will always be there for her. She is looking out for herself so that she isn't hurt anymore, and trust me I know how that feels. Just be there for her and tell her u will not be going anywhere and leave the rest to time. As time passes and she sees u are committed she will come back. And when she does dont let her go. All the best.
Author amaninlove Posted September 16, 2012 Author Posted September 16, 2012 thank you so much for your reply and for taking the time to read this. how i do hope so, and i will do whatever it takes to make sure I stand by her, without intruding on her need for space.
Author amaninlove Posted September 16, 2012 Author Posted September 16, 2012 does anyone else have an opinion on my situation? I'd welcome any more ideas. Thank you.
Sav Posted September 16, 2012 Posted September 16, 2012 Reading your story makes me think that she is sadly not in love or very confused. I would like to think that she is very confused. She says she wants to protect herself and such BUT on the other hand wants you to keep the door open for her. Well, my advice is run. Run fast, run far. Start protecting yourself. Because no matter what you do now, it would only serve as a reason for her to push even further away. So take care of yourself now, start preparing yourself mentally and look for support among friends
Mint Sauce Posted September 16, 2012 Posted September 16, 2012 the self blame (she having supposedly failed you), combined with her not wanting to fight to save the relationship, is a bit fishy in my opinion. She feels guilty for something, but still doesn't want to make it up to you. This leads me to the obligatory question here on LS: are you sure that, during the past months, she didn't get attracted to someone else? It's def not obvious that she did, but it does sound a bit like you're getting only part of her truth...
LosinginLove Posted September 16, 2012 Posted September 16, 2012 In our case, the passion was always something we didn't work hard enough at - after such a long time together, couples can sometimes become complacent, comfortable and safe - and you make less effort that you made at the start of the relationship. This is soooo true. It is very hard to maintain the passion when you've been in a relationship with someone for so long. You do become complacent and comfortable resulting in taking one another for granted. Passion in a relationship is very important, among other things. You have to constantly work at pleasing one another not only physically but emotionally as well. You basically have to keep the relationship fresh by doing things to keep the other persons needs/wants met. Relationships are 50/50 but sometimes one person may be putting in more and receiving less and this is where problems begin. It's hard to walk away from a person that you love so much but at the end of the day you have to do what's in your best interest. Give her space and respect her wishes. You should not have to wait, in limbo, for her to decided whether she wants to be with you or not. Keep yourself open to experiencing new relationships. Maybe, just maybe, there's someone else out in the world waiting to meet you. Or, perhaps your girl will come back and you'll live happily ever after. But, don't live you life in the should've, could've, what if phase because you'll never be happy. Go on with your life.
Author amaninlove Posted September 16, 2012 Author Posted September 16, 2012 thank you for your replies. if i am being totally honest, the feeling in my gut (which could be the anxiety and low mood) tells me that a friend she's known all her life (who was never more than a friend) has become a close friend - although my trust in her over 12 years means I would be very surprised if she didn't admit new feelings for someone else. but that horrible sinking gut tells me that this is it, and the only reason she responded to my "keep a crack in the door open" request was out of guilt for what this was clearly doing to me on our Friday night together. If you were a fly on the wall, I was the dumpee and she was dropping me - opportunities or signs or hopeful words that i might have heard before, were not there. Tomorrow I start anti depressants, it's been a horrific 4 months - and the so-called best friend I have/had is not even checking to see if i'm ok. It feels like cruelty although I know I played a hand in it. I put us on a break in May, she has ended it now. Scared.
Author amaninlove Posted September 17, 2012 Author Posted September 17, 2012 the hardest thing about all of this is being left in the apartment where we lived for 6 years. I'm on the verge of taking action for myself here and start preparing to leave this place. The echoes of the relationship are too much, no matter how many things I put in cupboards... Has anyone else experienced that, being the one that stays behind in the home you both shared?
Mint Sauce Posted September 17, 2012 Posted September 17, 2012 Has anyone else experienced that, being the one that stays behind in the home you both shared? I stayed behind in the house we renovated over 3 years. I f*cking refuse to loose that as well Only you can decide whether you can continue to live there, but if you didn't make any particular investments (time or money) which you'd loose when moving out, then I'd find a new place. Nothing says a new start like a new place.
Author amaninlove Posted September 21, 2012 Author Posted September 21, 2012 argh i'm so confused, I just got a text from my ex after starting NC on Tuesday, telling me when she'll be around this weekend "if I want to meet" I specifically said in my email that I'd be happy to meet if she wanted to talk more, but made it clear that I needed to get over this - so does her contacting me mean she is having second thoughts about the breakup? Should I meet her, or not...
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