Ebony123 Posted September 15, 2012 Posted September 15, 2012 Since I broke up with my ex I have been trying to figure out exactly what it is that is making it hard for me. And today, I've realised that it's all the amazing memories we shared. In my case, I have come to terms with the fact that we are over, and won't be getting back together.. so that should make it easy to move on, right? Well apparently not. I always find myself remembring old times we shared together and it just breaks my heart that I can never get them back. I miss them, and I miss him I think because he was my first love, lover and bestfriend I find it very difficult to believe that I have more great times ahead of me with some other guy? Has someone got any advice for me on how to stop thinking about them? I'm already distracting myself by going out keeping very busy etc. but I can't avoid the lonely nights in sometimes, as I'm on a bit of a budget now so going out 24/7 isn't really a option! The memories just creep up on me, and before I know it I'm in tears, ready to dial his number and get him over for 'one last time' and for 'old times sake'.. it's a vicious cycle!
Calico Posted September 16, 2012 Posted September 16, 2012 I'm not in the greatest emotional place myself right now, but wanted to reassure you that those moments will pass. You can't easily avoid the memories, but you can deliberately choose not to dive right into them. When they pop up, say gently to yourself, "Oh, hi, memories! You've been here just recently, and I still remember you, so you can now go back to the storage!" and then let them go. Don't push them away, don't fight them. Instead, let them float away or wait for them to dissolve. Don't call him up. You've done it before, you know how it went. And please, don't start at day one again. I totally understand how you feel and I have dealt with the urge today, too, but you have to actively move in the other direction. Just sitting there and doing nothing won't help you to move forward. You need to start allowing the thought that your relationship is over, at least for now. Be curious about the thought, observe it, toy with it. Don't fight it like your worst enemy, befriend it instead.
youngnlove89 Posted September 16, 2012 Posted September 16, 2012 (edited) Oh sweetie, I'm in the same boat as you. In the beginning of a break up it almost feels easier because you are still in shock and in denial. But once you realize that it is really over, that you have done everything you possibly can, (the acceptance phase) that's when the pain comes crashing in. I don't think there is any way of avoiding it. I can't sleep tonight, all I have done is dreamt about him. And then I wake up really sad. I had this dream that he died. And I suppose it's because in a way he has. I will never get him back. It's hard to swallow that reality, but I think it just takes time to really accept it and move on. My favorite quotes is, "The pain doesn't really go away, you just make room for it." You learn to live with it until one day you wake up and you realize that your world doesn't revolve around them anymore. Time has taught you that you will be okay. That you don't need him to be happy. Time is the only healer we have to count on. I'm hurting to right now. My ex and I should have broken up a long time ago but we both dragged it out. Yesterday we finally realized it was time to end things for good. He told me he would never come back to me, he would never love me that way, he said he still cared for me and will miss me, but I will never be his girlfriend again. That hurt so bad. I did everything I could possibly do, but we just weren't meant to be. And I believe one day I will really see that like he see's it. But right now my mind is clouded. But that's okay. I believe going NC is the best for us. Because keeping an ex around is just dragging out the process of moving on. Now we have to learn to live without them and the only way of doing that is actually living without them. Edited September 16, 2012 by youngnlove89 1
Author Ebony123 Posted September 16, 2012 Author Posted September 16, 2012 Hi Calico, happy to hear from you again. I hope you resisted the urge to make contact today? For me, today has been tough but good.. I seem to be in an on going battle with my own thoughts. 1 minute I 100% believe that NC is the way forward. I 100% believe we are over and I need to let go. The next, memories come flooding back and I think "he cared for me then, he can care for me again.." and I suddenly think NC is the worst idea ever, and that I need to remain in this man's life as a "friend." I know though, of course, that the only way forward is NC. I hope you're feeling stronger soon, and thank you for your helpful as ever response. youngnlove - hi. I've been reading a lot of your threads, and I think we're in a very similar situation. I can relate to this paragraph you wrote more than anything: "For me, I had to fight for him over and over again until I realized he is never going to love me that way. I had to be hurt repeatedly, I had to hear him tell me 1 million times that I wasn't the one for him, I had to sleep with him 100 more times to realize that he still isn't going to love me the same way I do. I had to hurt myself like this before I finally accepted it and let go. I had to make myself realize this pain is not what I want to be with. This pain is NOT love. I don't want to be in a relationship with Pain." I saved it in the drafts in my phone. This is exactly what I went through. I loved him with all my heart since day 1, was there for him through thick and thin (him getting back with an ex, getting a different girl pregnant, etc.) just everything. And with each day I loved him more. He ended things because he had met 'some one else.' today I found out he told our mutual friend that he didn't want a relationship with this new girl and has changed her mind about her. It only confirms that he is who he is. He couldn't love me and give me what I needed, so it's unlikely he will with anyone else until he fixes his issues. Your response just made me feel less alone. I know exactly what it's like to not be loved in return the way you should be. It's one of the worst situations to be in. I'm sorry that you keep dreaming of him - I agree that our ex's are both dead to us now in many ways. It's sad, but I can only hope that it will get easier soon. I hope you managed to get some sleep, and have a better day tomorrow
youngnlove89 Posted September 16, 2012 Posted September 16, 2012 youngnlove - hi. I've been reading a lot of your threads, and I think we're in a very similar situation. I can relate to this paragraph you wrote more than anything: "For me, I had to fight for him over and over again until I realized he is never going to love me that way. I had to be hurt repeatedly, I had to hear him tell me 1 million times that I wasn't the one for him, I had to sleep with him 100 more times to realize that he still isn't going to love me the same way I do. I had to hurt myself like this before I finally accepted it and let go. I had to make myself realize this pain is not what I want to be with. This pain is NOT love. I don't want to be in a relationship with Pain." I saved it in the drafts in my phone. This is exactly what I went through. I loved him with all my heart since day 1, was there for him through thick and thin (him getting back with an ex, getting a different girl pregnant, etc.) just everything. And with each day I loved him more. He ended things because he had met 'some one else.' today I found out he told our mutual friend that he didn't want a relationship with this new girl and has changed her mind about her. It only confirms that he is who he is. He couldn't love me and give me what I needed, so it's unlikely he will with anyone else until he fixes his issues. Your response just made me feel less alone. I know exactly what it's like to not be loved in return the way you should be. It's one of the worst situations to be in. I'm sorry that you keep dreaming of him - I agree that our ex's are both dead to us now in many ways. It's sad, but I can only hope that it will get easier soon. I hope you managed to get some sleep, and have a better day tomorrow Thank you sweetie. I just finished watching the movie, "P.S. I love you" and one quote that I admired was, "Thing to remember is if we're all alone, then we're all together in that too." It's horrible. I couldn't sleep last night and woke up every hour. I can't eat, I can't focus, and I can't just have just 1 minute of a clear mind without thinking of him. It's frustrating. But it's the beginning and it gets worse before it gets better. I know that one day I will meet someone else. I know I will love again. That is my hope. I have been heartbroken before, worse than what I am now, and I got over it. It just takes time. We just have to go through these feelings, don't avoid them. I'm here for you!
Calico Posted September 17, 2012 Posted September 17, 2012 Hi Calico, happy to hear from you again. I hope you resisted the urge to make contact today? For me, today has been tough but good.. Yes, I resisted. I clung to some online buddies and just kept chatting with them until my head cleared up a little. I seem to be a lot more "outwardly" social. I guess it's my way to fill the space a bit. Doesn't work well, but breaks off the brooding for brief periods and I'm grateful for that. 1 minute I 100% believe that NC is the way forward. I 100% believe we are over and I need to let go. The next, memories come flooding back and I think "he cared for me then, he can care for me again.." and I suddenly think NC is the worst idea ever, and that I need to remain in this man's life as a "friend." I know though, of course, that the only way forward is NC. I think we all go through this, and I probably change my feelings a couple dozen of times every day. The thing is, going forward is also the superior approach if you really want to have a chance to get someone back, though I focus little on that because I just don't want to get stuck because of unrealistic hope. People don't seem to come back before you're over them, somehow. Hope is like glue. For me, it also helps to remember that she hasn't contacted me, either. I never told her to never contact me, but said that if she needs me (but not to check on me to see how I'm doing as that's not needing me) she can write or call. She's done neither, so I am not needed or wanted, and any attempt to contact her would set me up for more pain -- and I'm just not going back to that emotional place again. Tried it once, got my extra bucket of pain. Whatever future there is, it's ALWAYS in front of you, never behind.
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