I don't miss her anymore. Shock?

[Mint Sauce]

summary: 2.5 months after BU (she dumped me for my friend), 6yrs relationship (4yrs living together), early 30s, now +/- 1 month NC.

 

Strangely, for the last week or 2, I don't miss her anymore. I'm still jealous for what she has with my friend now, and I'm angry for what they did, but I don't really miss her in my day-to-day life. Still thinking about her most of the time, but I feel no desire to contact her.

 

Am I still (or again) in shock? Or is the "missing" being drowned by other emotions (anxiety about finding someone else for example: started working on a dating site profile).

 

I'm very surprised that I don't want to contact her anymore...

 

Does this sound familiar to anyone?

[Coyoteloco]

well yes, to me i feel the same that u are saying. It was a 6 year relationship and almost 2 months of break up, 1 of no contact, and i do miss her i do think of her most of the time, but i dont want to contact her at all, if i called her i would feel akward and bad and i dont even think about doing so. Its like i miss what we had but i dont want to go back in time. And also i get the anxiety about finding someone else, so yea i think this sounds pretty familiar to me. im alot younger though. (sorry for bad english)

[jecca1976]

its the NC thing...trust me. Its been 4 months for me and I think of him often, so often but no desire to call. I never ever in a million years believed the whole thing and then after this breakup I just cudnt even answer the tex he sent the same day... he just broke everything inside me and altho I still love him to this day the urge to reach out is not there... NC works I dont care what anyones says... if you remove something from your life it makes it easier to accept and get over... good luck to you

[blue_jay_bird]

yeah, i have those good days, trust me, their will just be more and more of them, stay NC.

[carhill]

Does this sound familiar to anyone?

Yes, it sounds familiar, though the process was a bit longer in my case. Ironically, I've had far worse days, comparatively, in the couple months since my cat was killed. There was something about that constant companionship, which was missing for so many years in our M, that hit me hard after I lost him. Interesting how life works.

 

My bet is, if experience is any guide, you'll get some flashbacks before it all settles out. If so, have faith that they'll pass. It's part of the grief process when a relationship with/life of a loved one ends. Good luck.

[Balzac]

It's progress in your acceptance of the loss and acknowledgement of wanting more in your future relationships. By what method you came to this matters not. Betrayal, even by the most perfect woman, is still cause for uncertainty in any attempt at reconciliation.

 

Despite the dearth of prime candidates in your chosen pool, you'll find an acceptable one.

 

This positive update is great to hear. I hope your daily existence in the professional venue is tolerable. Anger is appropriate, that too will moderate in time.

[Mint Sauce]

Thanks all. It must be real progress then if you all think so

 

Balzac, good to hear from you. Your choice of the word "acceptable" raises mixed emotions (I'd like to think I'm still too young too settle for "acceptable"), but I catch your drift, and I'll follow your advice to hunt across a larger field.

 

In fact, some friends are trying to set me up with a professional pianist...Kinda like the sound of that

 

She postponed her start at my institution until next month, but I see that not as a kind gesture: she/they have acted in other ways the past weeks showing a very brutal attitude towards me and my friends. I'd have to say that, in the end, it was not the original cheating that made me angry, but these later events, where they found not a single scrap of decency or kindness in their self-centered minds.

 

ps: in case you're still interested in the read/unread story: after I stopped that construction, she spent several days/nights going through all our old conversations, saving the most meaningful texts. Perhaps it was her mourning process. But then he came back from abroad, they moved into their new place together, and I knew she wasn't going to come back any time soon. That's when I stopped the stalking, and finally gave up.

[Mint Sauce]

Ironically, I've had far worse days, comparatively, in the couple months since my cat was killed.

 

In fact, at this very moment, I'm sitting next to our family dog who is on his very last legs. Just had to clean up the mess he made, poor thing. Another loss on the horizon, but fortunately one with only caring and kindness involved.

[Balzac]

Great to catch up Comrade. To be clear in my choice of the word. ALWAYS striving for perfection as overachievers are want to do, my intent was to encourage the endeavor to seek "her", to be open to a "new woman" in a cross discipline. That was all. In no way do I practice nor encourage you to lower your standard, settle or otherwise "sell out". My experience in cross discipline is that it's an adjustment to go from say, scientific brilliance of same discipline to concert pianist, who may also love jazz. The human intellect is vast, varied and wildly seductive. Open your mind and explore what you stumble across.

 

I'll answer other comments momentarily.

 

You sound great my friend.

[carhill]

My sympathies. I found, during our D, focusing on the end-of-life care for my mom to really divert and diffuse some of the everyday grief process which is natural during a divorce. Perhaps it will be the same for you and your beloved dog. Best wishes.

[Balzac]

I'm saddened to hear that both parties lack empathy and apparently the most basic of professional, social skill. How can one interpret their actions as anything less than hostile? Disrespect for you personally and professionally.

I suppose in the most generous spirit one could say, immature, inexperienced but NOT so at this age in this institution. It seems to verge on professional suicide! What the helz.

 

Of course the primary issue for you was not the original act. Mental Chess is only fun if there is a reward. Being the astute guy, you concluded the zero sum game had no positive outcome and became bored.

 

I believe over time you'll get a better feel for what drove this bus off the cliff.

Not to imply you'll obsess but rather your POV will be modified.

Surely he is intelligent and capable or you would not have him in your hallway. What she has done is hitched her wagon to an unproven commodity, less competition to her own achievements and in that who can know what she gains. You surely have pondered these conjectures and come to some conclusions. You know her quite well. How long can she sustain happiness?

 

Most interesting is how and when the dynamics become evident? Will she reach out to you for emotional support? Will you engage in listening?

Romance is a journey and as you well know, the constant is change. Conservation of energy is a fact and once your energy is focused on a new woman....well, pity isn't pretty.