I'm not sure if I should walk away (kinda long srry)

[Pinkcoffee]

I have been married almost 3 years. At first we were so happy. He had previously been married and admitted he cheated on his former wife to end things. From his own mouth "i knew if i cheated amd felt bad, i still loved her if not, thats my cue. " i know that should have probably been a red flag (once a cheater always a cheater..) but stupid me thought maybe it would be different with me. Fast forward to about two years later. He left for deploymemt. After being there for a while I found out he had a tracker on my phone and home computer. It bothered me he felt he couldn't trust me but i had nothing to hide so if thats what it took for him to trust me fine. I addressed this when he came home(i didnt want to fight while he was at war) i noticed something was off but couldn't put my finger on it. Long story short i found he had been looking on craigslist in the personals. I addressed that. He said it was just something funny to do. But he was sorry since it bothered me. After this i am slightly ashamed to admit i became a snooper. I snooped everything found MORE stuff including secret email accounts more craigslist stuff and a prepaid phone je was hiding in hos work truck. so we talked again he got everything off his chest but his first words were "damn how do you keep finding this stuff." things seem to get bettet for a while and then gets so bad out of nowhere. There are holes in my walls from him punching when we fight. We have plenty of good sex and are very open and compatible sexually so I don't think thats the issue. He told me once he hated me he wanted a divorce ect then he left for a few hours and when he came home wanted to talk and work things out. Them everything was going ok until last night. I was sick and didnt want to go out after work and he got mad at me bc we have "no social life." I'm not saying he is always 100% wrong but no matter who is at fault i always apologize first. I know i haven't always made it easy and when i think i'm done and want to throw in the towel we get into it amd he says he's done and i realize i dont want to be without him. I have given up so much for him. I moved to his old home town where I know no one or have family or where I am going in this new city. He has all his close friends family old high school friends ect. But I came without complaints bc I wanted him to be happy. I love him so much but after all the times he broke my trust and not even with stupid lies. Big ones, marriage ending ones. His own best friend told me he doesn't know why I stay. But I do love him and when things are good , they are amazing. I just feel like no matter how much i try to change to make him happy its never enough. Being a constant dissapoinent sucks. I'm so lost and confused. I want to be happy. And I want to be with him but I don't want to feel misrable and lonely and like a piece of $ h!t.

[karnak]

Why are you wasting your life with a POS?

[Pinkcoffee]

I guess I feel like maybe the guy I feel in love with is still in there. He shines through enough to make me stay. I don't want to just get divorced and be another statistic. I know marriage is hard work and he is going through lots of extra stress. I just don't know how much work is too much you know? In this day especially ppl my age divorce is just too easy. I can't give up until there is nothing more for me to do or he ends it or I flat out find out 100% certainity that he cheated. I love him so much and when I said forever I meant it. Even when he's being an ass and I can't picture my life without him. Maybe I'm just too weak to walk away...

[denise_xo]

I guess I feel like maybe the guy I feel in love with is still in there. He shines through enough to make me stay. I don't want to just get divorced and be another statistic. I know marriage is hard work and he is going through lots of extra stress. I just don't know how much work is too much you know? In this day especially ppl my age divorce is just too easy. I can't give up until there is nothing more for me to do or he ends it or I flat out find out 100% certainity that he cheated. I love him so much and when I said forever I meant it. Even when he's being an ass and I can't picture my life without him. Maybe I'm just too weak to walk away...

 

I sympathise with your reservations about divorce. At the same time, to answer your question, this is 'too much work'. Or, in other words:

 

- you have a partner who doesn't trust you and he is tracking stuff you do behind your back

- you have a partner with a level of aggression that produces holes in your walls

- with the hidden email accounts and phones he is highly likely to be cheating on you, and since he has cheated on his former partner, you can assume that he is a serial cheater

- even his own friends don't understand why you are in a relationship with him

 

Now, if you had a female friend in your shoes, what would you advice her to do?

 

OF COURSE you can have a life without him. In fact, you will probably have a much better life without him. And think about it, is this the father you want for a future child?

Edited September 15, 2012 by denise_xo

[denise_xo]

I just feel like no matter how much i try to change to make him happy its never enough. Being a constant dissapoinent sucks.

 

It sounds like you have fallen into an abusive relationship dynamic.

[karnak]

OF COURSE you can have a life without him. In fact, you will probably have a much better life without him. And think about it, is this the father you want for a future child?

 

Specially this part.

[veryhappy]

When people in real life tell you to walk away, believe them. You are in an abusive relationship. Are you waiting for him to beat you instead of punching the wall? The guy you fell in love with is gone. Grieve the loss, and give up on your marriage. The more you'll stay, the harder it will be to leave.

[BetrayedH]

I'm sorry you find yourself here. I never wanted to be a stastistic either. Sometimes you have to accept that they leave you no choice. The other posters are right. It's time for you to file. He's quite obviously a cheater and a complete asshat to boot.