Sanity. Is it real, relative, attainable?

[Decorative]

I think the most normal thing after you find out about the affair is to not feel normal.

 

I used to look at people in grocery stores, decide they did not have the insane life that I had at that moment, and I would have a physical ache inside, longing for normalcy. To not have to deal with it all, to not have to feel insane.

 

It is really, really hard to have to deal with choices in your life that you had no choice in, no say. Especially when every last one of those choices is against your self interest.

 

And let's be honest- part of that crazy feeling? Is a direct result of the gaslighting that occurs to the betrayed spouse in most affair situations. When you are looking at a blue sky, and being told it's green. Emphatically. And after awhile? Because of the truth bias ( look it up, it's a real thing. LOL) you have with your spouse, you actually start to imagine you can see a little bit of Kermit in that blue sky.

 

Then DDay comes. And you realize that you should have trusted yourself all along. And that spins you back.

 

This affair recovery stuff? Is not for sissies. It's a good day not to be sitting in a corner, playing old mix tapes and sucking your thumb at times.

 

But it does get better. We're 2.5 years out from it, and it's not perfect, but it's better every day. And more importantly? I'm better. You will be, too.

[todreaminblue]

So, I just started posting here to get clarification, understanding, support, answers, and maybe confirmation that I am Not out of my mind. It is harder than I thought because I don't want to explain the embarrassing sordid details of how D-day occurred let alone the awful crap that continued without coming off as angry/bitter at FWH or OW. I don't think I am until I read other posts (example; meeting FOW in public) that the initial thoughts and feelings I have are not nice. Does this make me a hypocrite, angrier than I thought, maybe multiple personality disorder*? I take a moment to frisk the emotion then come up with an appropriate response/behavior but still it did happen. If I was caught off guard in a situation ONLY concerning FOW I am afraid that I could do/say something that would bring heat and no light. Normally I am extremely rational and Very good in a crisis situation but when it comes to this affair thing, however past, I seriously sometimes question my own sanity. help?

 

 

who judges what is normal what is not? There is no normal just varying degrees of coping skills and sometimes your coping skills you forget in the heat of the moment to duck with that king hit....and you cop it......doesn't mean every time someone does a knock out punch that you wont remember to duck or move to the side the next time or cope better with the punch......life's lessons sting a bit, you cop a few black eyes gain a few scars.......the fact is everything that happens you learn from........and if you keep that in mind have some faith and hope that not all of your life will be spent weaving through hard knocks ....you will maintain that sanity you ask about.and be a stronger person in tune enough to help others avoid the king hits....or teach them some killer moves right back........deb

[ComingInHot]

todream: I so appreciate your reply. It is hard knocks sometimes but I can see certain punches coming unlike before FWH's A and choose to counter, deflect or just move the hey out of the way. I sometimes think I have it figured out and then like the previous poster stated find myself in the corner hiding from everything. I get back up though and these days find I get up faster and stay up tall and strong longer.

I think I should be way further along and everything regarding this A should just seem like a hazy dream I had once...**

[Steadfast]

I used to look at people in grocery stores, decide they did not have the insane life that I had at that moment, and I would have a physical ache inside, longing for normalcy. To not have to deal with it all, to not have to feel insane.

 

It is really, really hard to have to deal with choices in your life that you had no choice in, no say. Especially when every last one of those choices is against your self interest.

 

And let's be honest- part of that crazy feeling? Is a direct result of the gaslighting that occurs to the betrayed spouse in most affair situations

 

That's put as well as I've read anywhere.

 

I've been told that mothers remember feeling pain giving birth, but don't remember what the pain felt like. This post brought some of that back to me. I remember a burning sensation inside...my emotional and physical systems working in overdrive to deal with the depression and anxiety I was going through. I lost 35-lbs in six weeks. It was literally eating me alive.

 

Getting off the mat is not for sissies. It's the hardest thing I've ever done.

[BetrayedH]

I think the most normal thing after you find out about the affair is to not feel normal.

 

I used to look at people in grocery stores, decide they did not have the insane life that I had at that moment, and I would have a physical ache inside, longing for normalcy. To not have to deal with it all, to not have to feel insane.

 

It is really, really hard to have to deal with choices in your life that you had no choice in, no say. Especially when every last one of those choices is against your self interest.

 

And let's be honest- part of that crazy feeling? Is a direct result of the gaslighting that occurs to the betrayed spouse in most affair situations. When you are looking at a blue sky, and being told it's green. Emphatically. And after awhile? Because of the truth bias ( look it up, it's a real thing. LOL) you have with your spouse, you actually start to imagine you can see a little bit of Kermit in that blue sky.

 

Then DDay comes. And you realize that you should have trusted yourself all along. And that spins you back.

 

This affair recovery stuff? Is not for sissies. It's a good day not to be sitting in a corner, playing old mix tapes and sucking your thumb at times.

 

But it does get better. We're 2.5 years out from it, and it's not perfect, but it's better every day. And more importantly? I'm better. You will be, too.

 

I can really identify with this today. I still don't remotely feel normal. There's a tint to everything. I was watching that show, Parenthood, tonight and the parental couple is watching one of their daughters going off to college. Of course, the parents and family bond over that. And the family takes a family photo (disagreeing about whether a fiance should be included). Those things will never happen to me. I think one of the only goals I cared about was making it through to having raised a nuclear family through all of the phases. That's been taken from me and I can't get it back. Time for new goals, I suppose. No matter what they are, they will somehow be less than that one. Somber day, I suppose.

[Steadfast]

I stay away from TV for that and many other reasons. Remember; it's someone's idea of reality. They still don't show that...even on reality shows.

 

I can identify with your feelings though. Holidays and birthdays for example, will never be shared as a family. A whole family. Many is the time I've been enjoying a special day with my kids at home, my mind not thinking of anything but what's going on. Then I hear "We're supposed to go to mom's later" and a twinge of that comes back. That realization.

 

Thing is, she ruined most special days, usually with a quiet freeze-out. It was never good enough. Never perfect enough. It wasn't like....TV, which she loved. That set the standard. Even then I knew it was BS. My god...she was so incredibly unhappy! She made it a point to spread the joy too.

 

Ugh. It's a wonder it lasted as long as it did. The crap I put up with.

 

Make your own memories Kidd, and make them better. More genuine. The world is full of people...people who still appreciate sincerity. Hang in there.

[BetrayedH]

I stay away from TV for that and many other reasons. Remember; it's someone's idea of reality. They still don't show that...even on reality shows.

 

I can identify with your feelings though. Holidays and birthdays for example, will never be shared as a family. A whole family. Many is the time I've been enjoying a special day with my kids at home, my mind not thinking of anything but what's going on. Then I hear "We're supposed to go to mom's later" and a twinge of that comes back. That realization.

 

Thing is, she ruined most special days, usually with a quiet freeze-out. It was never good enough. Never perfect enough. It wasn't like....TV, which she loved. That set the standard. Even then I knew it was BS. My god...she was so incredibly unhappy! She made it a point to spread the joy too.

 

Ugh. It's a wonder it lasted as long as it did. The crap I put up with.

 

Make your own memories Kidd, and make them better. More genuine. The world is full of people...people who still appreciate sincerity. Hang in there.

 

I think we were married to the same woman.

 

Thanks Steadfast. Strange how knowing that others having the same experience somehow makes your own experience seem less dramatic.

[waterwoman]

Sanity? What's that then?

 

Oooh yes.... I remember it vaguely from before I found out about the affair. Most of the time it's a very distant memory.....

[mercy]

So, I just started posting here to get clarification, understanding, support, answers, and maybe confirmation that I am Not out of my mind. It is harder than I thought because I don't want to explain the embarrassing sordid details of how D-day occurred let alone the awful crap that continued without coming off as angry/bitter at FWH or OW. I don't think I am until I read other posts (example; meeting FOW in public) that the initial thoughts and feelings I have are not nice. Does this make me a hypocrite, angrier than I thought, maybe multiple personality disorder*? I take a moment to frisk the emotion then come up with an appropriate response/behavior but still it did happen. If I was caught off guard in a situation ONLY concerning FOW I am afraid that I could do/say something that would bring heat and no light. Normally I am extremely rational and Very good in a crisis situation but when it comes to this affair thing, however past, I seriously sometimes question my own sanity. help?

 

For me right after dd I was crazy and I knew. Nothing made sense and I thought nothing ever would again. All bw's I'm sure have done and said things that they don't want to confess to. Because they weren't themselves. I mean who would be. Really we are supposed to behave ourselves? Really? Because I wasn't capable, at all.

 

Half my day was spent trying to make sense of the senseless and the other half was spent asking h to make sense of it then I'd be up all night trying to make sense of it. Waking him up with just one more question.

 

And some of it honestly will never make sense. Some why's will never be answered. Why's drove me insane.

 

But it does get better. Don't judge yourself too harshly. You are going through a trauma and it takes time. Nothing worse in this world than living with other peoples choices.

[ComingInHot]

Speaking if crazy... It insane how I didn't know how much I had to say!! About everything!

The A was outed two years ago. I didn't really start to deal w/it til later year and even then very slowly. Then I find LS and all of you and see that there is SO much I feel and Alot I have to say about in the threads that are posted.