Sophia12345 Posted September 15, 2012 Posted September 15, 2012 I havent been on here in quite a while, never thought i would be back to be honest but here I am. My ex broke up with me in march of this year, weve been 'friends' ever since. Friends that act like they are more than friends but with the advantage of being able to come and go as he pleases. At first everything was okay I could deal with it, i had convinced myself it was the right thing to be doing even though it hurt. After time i've realised it hurts too much and that i'm not the person in his life that i want to be. All the voids in his life have been filled so what is the point in me being around? For a sense of security, to forget me gentley? I don't know and right now i don't actually care. I am however glad i took this route, i've got to the point where I am comftable to go NC instead of it being a forced procedure ( that by no means takes away from the fact its going to hurt like hell). So about 20mins ago i sent this to him 'That's fine I only wanted to talk to you and seeing as I'll never get the chance to Ill just message you. I'm not in your life the way I want to be and as much as the way we are is okay for you, its not for me. I'm constantly hoping that we will get back but im just kidding myself. I cant be around knowing im just someone you talk to and as much as its going to hurt your happier now but im not I need you but i think thats pretty clear its not going to happen so im not sure whats left for me to do I love you i allways will but i also hate myself for letting you get to close in order to bring out my weakness. Its not your fault, everyone moves on youve just been able to do it soomer than me but unless your willing to make some sort of progress with me i think its best we just leave this alone' Im so scared about whats now going to happen yet i also feel relieved. I hope i've done the right thing, i think i have :\ I hate that its even got to this....
carhill Posted September 15, 2012 Posted September 15, 2012 Provide for yourself the time and space to grieve the death of the relationship and your love for this person. Upon a death, there is no more communication. Make it so. Eliminate all means/ways of communication. Then grieve. Be with family and friends. There's a pinned thread in the Coping forum for people to post in instead of contacting their ex. There's a pinned thread at the top of this forum for advice/suggestions in surviving the end of one's relationship. Great reading. You will survive this. Alone we carry on. Good luck. 1
Appleness Posted September 15, 2012 Posted September 15, 2012 I think you did the right thing. What hurts now will hurt less in the long run. It's been five months already so if he had any thioughts about being back together, it would have happened by now. I'm sorry to say this but you were allowing yourself to be put on the back burner. We all make mistakes in life and we will all eventually grow for them. It sounds to me like you've already started. Keep calm and stay strong!
gullibleme Posted September 15, 2012 Posted September 15, 2012 UGH!!! I hate to say it but because you were nice in the note ...he will respond with niceness back...try not to respond whatever you do...he will be feeling guilty and try to keep you as a fallback girl now knowing all of this information. Been there done that...My ex tried to say to me " I understand and don't want to hurt you, I have all the same feelings for you but need to do this for myself and make sure my feelings for you aren't false"...WTF...they try to make themselves look good and be friendly...just be the one in control now and don't respond...if you go back to messaging him the humiliation will start and thats what is hard to over come within yourself I believe. 1
Author Sophia12345 Posted September 15, 2012 Author Posted September 15, 2012 I got my reply and it says 'what you will i said tommorrow' This is in reply to seeing him as i did originally want to talk to him face to face as i felt messaging wasn't the right way. I havent responded because i dont even understand that or how that can even be classed as a reply. Thank you for your replies, I know i've been mugged off I'm not stupid but i dont want to start screaming and shouting. Just attempt to keep some sort of respect around even though he may have lost all his for me. :\ This sucks!
gullibleme Posted September 15, 2012 Posted September 15, 2012 sounds like he is questioning it all right now and getting scared of loosing you completely...let him feel that way...what I think he said is "What? You will (see me face to face) I said tomorrow"...thats what I see anyway....stay in control and don't message back he needs to feel this rejection I think....
KatZee Posted September 15, 2012 Posted September 15, 2012 UGH!!! I hate to say it but because you were nice in the note ...he will respond with niceness back...try not to respond whatever you do...he will be feeling guilty and try to keep you as a fallback girl now knowing all of this information. Been there done that...My ex tried to say to me " I understand and don't want to hurt you, I have all the same feelings for you but need to do this for myself and make sure my feelings for you aren't false"...WTF...they try to make themselves look good and be friendly...just be the one in control now and don't respond...if you go back to messaging him the humiliation will start and thats what is hard to over come within yourself I believe. Yep. You did the right thing. He was your "friend" in order to have control over you and a foot in your life "just in case!" he had some sort of use for you down the line, or decided to change his mind. This is not a friend. He is using your emotional ties to him for his own selfish benefit. Don't respond to anything he says back. 2
Dblock10 Posted September 15, 2012 Posted September 15, 2012 Yep. You did the right thing. He was your "friend" in order to have control over you and a foot in your life "just in case!" he had some sort of use for you down the line, or decided to change his mind. This is not a friend. He is using your emotional ties to him for his own selfish benefit. Don't respond to anything he says back. so when an ex is a friend or trying to be, it means they want you as an option?
carhill Posted September 15, 2012 Posted September 15, 2012 OP, I'm presuming, as you've been broken up for six months, neither of you is alone nor celibate, as that's pretty rare IME. If correct, how are the friendly couples dinners out going? That's what friends do. Share interests, socialize, include new partners/spouses, etc. If you and he are still 'processing' your ended relationship, which means aspects of it come up in conversations, then you're not done. Someone needs to make a move for that exit. Up to you.
gullibleme Posted September 15, 2012 Posted September 15, 2012 so when an ex is a friend or trying to be, it means they want you as an option? Well Dblock ...think of it in this way... if they wanted to be with you they would ...right?...if their feelings were that STRONG for you ...they wouldn't just friend you because someone else might come along and want you...so they want you to be there on the back burner "just in case"
barese1 Posted September 15, 2012 Posted September 15, 2012 Well Dblock ...think of it in this way... if they wanted to be with you they would ...right?...if their feelings were that STRONG for you ...they wouldn't just friend you because someone else might come along and want you...so they want you to be there on the back burner "just in case" I completely disagree with this. Exs don't just want you to be friends to keep you on the back burner. Sometime maybe but from being on both sides of this I'd say exs want to be friends because they have no romantic interest in you anymore. Maybe they like you as a person or to relieve their own guilt but very rarely is it to have you as a back up
gullibleme Posted September 15, 2012 Posted September 15, 2012 I agree with you too...but it means they have no romantic feelings and if you are both in that same position and can be JUST FRIENDS there there are no problems or worries then right?...it made you go backwards in a sense from your posts...you yourself struggle with being just friends because you still may have feelings...just my opinion.
barese1 Posted September 15, 2012 Posted September 15, 2012 I completely agree with you gullible. Me being 'friends' with my ex is not healthy for me as I still have feelings. I'm aware of this and am going to end the friendship. Yes when there are no romantic feelings on either side you can be proper friends...but by that point you won't even care if you are friends or not. I'm firendly with all of my exs but not friends if the truth be told
KatZee Posted September 15, 2012 Posted September 15, 2012 so when an ex is a friend or trying to be, it means they want you as an option? That's exactly what they do.
KatZee Posted September 15, 2012 Posted September 15, 2012 but very rarely is it to have you as a back up You are very wrong. Being on the back burner has nothing to do with romantic interest. A guy who's sticking someone on the back burner clearly doesn't want to be with them, HOWEVER, they want no one else to be with them either. So they go about their own lives, while tossing out tiny little crumbs keeping the dumpee hanging on JUSTENOUGH for him to be able to come back if he so chooses. These kinds of people have control issues, and they want to have control IN the relationship and OUT of the relationship as well. It's hard for a dumper to keep tabs on a dumpee and to gauge her interest after the relationship is over if he just walks away and moves on with his life. This dumper may very well feel he can do better than his ex, but JUSTINCASE he's "wrong," he will keep his foot in the door. These kinds of people are unavailable people. He will most likely wind up settling one day and sometimes he does go back to the girl he put on the back burner. Not because he's "so in love." Because he's not. Also, do you think ANYONE who thinks it's cool to toss out breadcrumbs, lead someone on, give someone false hope, is a "friend??" This person is the farthest thing FROM. 1
gullibleme Posted September 15, 2012 Posted September 15, 2012 I think Barese1 has a situation where she is JUST FRIENDS and he realizes it is not healthy for him to carry on conversations with her...he never gave in and did the humiliating things alot of did with the "miss you's" and what not which would put us on the back burner because they know they can have us in the future...but I think he is wrong in thinking it is very rare that it is a backup...it's actually very rare you are a real friend!!
Dblock10 Posted September 15, 2012 Posted September 15, 2012 I completely disagree with this. Exs don't just want you to be friends to keep you on the back burner. Sometime maybe but from being on both sides of this I'd say exs want to be friends because they have no romantic interest in you anymore. Maybe they like you as a person or to relieve their own guilt but very rarely is it to have you as a back up That's exactly what they do. so how do you know when they have no romantic interest, how do you know if they do just like you as a person or how do you know if they do it because of guilt or how do you know if they really are just keeping you as an option :/ other wise yeah i agree with katzee and as i said in another post on another thread, surely keeping options open is actually a smart thing to do, for both people, if the break up was mutual.. as much as i don't like her keeping the foot in the door my foot until recently had also been in hers..
Author Sophia12345 Posted September 16, 2012 Author Posted September 16, 2012 So as an update to my story my ex turned up at my house last night following his text. We spoke and spoke and he told me he doesn't want to just get back together he wants it to feel right. He said he finds it less stressful not having a girlfriend and we both agreed we actually get on alot better now we spend less time together. He admitted that the reason we broke up was because he didn't want to have the aggrevation and that i've realised abit too late how much of a t**t I was. I was a horrible girlfriend for some time and take huge responsibility for whats happened. He said that he would HATE for me not be in his life but does consider me his ex and that its my choice if i stop talking with him but thats not what he wants. I got the impression from him he wants me to try with him, in a way prove im not the same girlfriend i used to be. All about gaining the trust back? Maybe im wrong, reading this wrong I don't know.
gullibleme Posted September 16, 2012 Posted September 16, 2012 I think he is rethinking the whole thing ...BUT...my ex did it to me three times. He would tell me what I was doing wrong and it made me think maybe I am asking too much. All I wanted was more communication...whether it was a good night or good morning like he used to do....thing is USED TO DO... he was drifting from the RL before he told me he wanted to be single for a while ( I was a rebound)...I got the same excuses...he wanted less stress and wanted it to feel right. I will say things were better for us when we spent less time too..but eventually it all becomes you will feel less important and he will enjoy his freedom more.The thing here is he hasn't found someone else and is coming back to you for whatever reason...he really isn't that into you anymore it looks like to me. I could be wrong... He is wanting control of the relationship though...on his terms..and you are falling for it..he wants his cake and eat it too. My advise is do not sleep with him for a long time!!! I made the mistake of doing that when he called me for a date after two mo's BU...it only hurts in the long run...do what your gut is telling you...can you handle being an option...he said you are an Ex and that gives him the open door to see others...thats what they do to rationalize what they are doing...so if he dates someone else he can say well we weren't in a RL..and then tell you again you are smothering him...ugh!...it's all so complicated...all I can say is this was my experience and only you know how you will feel.
Calico Posted September 16, 2012 Posted September 16, 2012 I got the impression from him he wants me to try with him, in a way prove im not the same girlfriend i used to be. All about gaining the trust back? It seems awfully one-sided to me. What would HE do differently to make it work better? From what you wrote, I get the feeling that he's done with you and tries to get out of this with taking as little responsibility as possible. And you seem to agree that it's all your fault...?
Liz2012 Posted September 16, 2012 Posted September 16, 2012 Hmmm, I'm not really one for NC but I think in your case, I'd be tempted to go ahead and say you need 2 months without him to move on then you can resume the friendship. You can use the time to look after yourself or move on, up to you, but I don't see him changing his mind unless he's pushed. Only you can really tell though.
Author Sophia12345 Posted September 16, 2012 Author Posted September 16, 2012 i think to some extent i feel in a way i asked for this. I deserve to have been put it to this situation. At the same time i understand why we broke up but also feel that I DO NOT deserve the way he has treated me. At the minute I'm unsure whether I can leave this completely without some sort of regret that I haven't at least tried to regain his trust towards me whether it leads to reconciliation or not. I just need to stop worrying what happens happens right? Its the uncertainty of everything that gets me
WaitingForDunno Posted September 16, 2012 Posted September 16, 2012 i think to some extent i feel in a way i asked for this. I deserve to have been put it to this situation. At the same time i understand why we broke up but also feel that I DO NOT deserve the way he has treated me. At the minute I'm unsure whether I can leave this completely without some sort of regret that I haven't at least tried to regain his trust towards me whether it leads to reconciliation or not. I just need to stop worrying what happens happens right? Its the uncertainty of everything that gets me I'm right here in the same situation, we've had all of the power taken away from us and now we fret over every word or action hoping that maybe they'll see and show us the interest we desperately want, worrying if we could be doing something more while they seem to live carefree without regard for these worries. His message doesn't make any sense but as a guy to me it sounds dismissive, if he was worried he would answer you properly, do something. It's hard but you have to concentrate on you, slowly turn your thoughts from saving a dead relationship to getting to a place where you are happy. We're all here because we care and worry about what happens during and after our relationships, if they're not reaching out the way we hope they will, perhaps they aren't the partners we need. It doesn't seem to me you've done anything to deserve your treatment so the ball is in his court. Get on with your life, if her contacts you then deal with that as you see fit at the time, but until then focus on number one...
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