Redtide Posted September 15, 2012 Posted September 15, 2012 My best friend of 10 years and my boyfriend of 2 1/2 years just dumped me two weeks ago. It was random and devastating, and I miss him very much. He had cheated on me several times during our relationship and I know that he is a sex addict (if you want details I can go into how it was clear he was a sex addict and not just a douche but it's long so just believe me on this front.) We've gone to meetings (SA and S-Anon) as well as seperate therapies and couple therapy. At first, it was great. He read the white book and other SA books, was going to meetings all the time, etc. Suddenly he stopped going... he would tell me that he was too busy with two jobs, which he was, but I told him I needed him to at least try to go to meetings once a month. He couldn't do that. It snowballed more and more and my frustration got higher and higher. Eventually he went to a meeting again, two weeks ago, and I went to S-anon. We seemed like we were going to be on the right track. Two days later he breaks up with me, late in the middle of the night. I said to him "you're breaking up with me, aren't you?" to which he replied "I don't want to.." He admitted to still loving me and being attracted to me, but our lives had become too intertwined and I needed to focus on me as he focused on him, and that he didn't want to be in a committed relationship. Yes, I did focus on him a lot because I was worried about the addiction and the stress he was getting from two jobs (we both worked two jobs and we saw eachother less and less because of it.) As we talked into the night, we agreed to a break instead of a break up. As he leaves at 2 in the morning, and I have no one to talk to about this being so late. I noticed a friend was distraught on fb so I asked her if she wanted to talk, take my mind off possibly losing my boyfriend. She told me that she was sorry (in a private message) but she was upset because he had been sexually texting her the last two days and she felt bad, especially because she let it continue and she knew that she was going to lose both of us as friends. I tried to explain calmly that he had an addiction and that was why he was texting her like this, and she took insult (that apparently I said she wasn't the love of his life) and she then proceeded to unfriend and block us both. Now he didn't tell me about this but I'm assuming it was a factor in the breakup because it was obviously a relapse. The next morning he goes to being "single" on facebook and messages my sister about how I "forceably blocked him" from breaking up with me and leaving and had to claim he wanted a break. I never physically blocked him from leaving, not once, so that hurt to hear. I call him at noon and we talk about it and I mention how much I love him. Again, we agree to take a break and meet after next SA meeting. The night after the meeting we talked in his car and he dumped me for the same reasons. I tell him that I love him and want to try again down the line if we are both in better places but I agreed we needed space and time to think. He replies he can't guarentee that it'll happen, but it's not out of the question. I said (corny as hell) "how lucky I am to have known someone that is so hard to say goodbye to" to which he smiles and says "then let's not say goodbye." We proceed to sit and talk for about half an hour, as friends. We hug a few times before I leave and we turn and waved from our cars, as we turned opposite ways into the night. I felt so good to know we'd still be friends after all the years of being best friends. As days went on I felt lonely as we weren't talking and, even though I'm not ready to date yet, decided to make an okcupid profile just to see what I'd be up against in a few months when I may want to date. HE came up as my number one match. His profile stated he was looking for casual sex, was interested in threesomes... all evidence on his facebook and in real life says that he hasn't had time to contact women given how busy he is, but I was absolutely distraught because this shows me he may not be working on his career or his issues... he is looking for sex with everyone and anyone. My best friend of 10 years chose his addiction over me. Cut to 2 weeks later, I've been on no contact with him and broke to just say hello and see how he is. We have a 30 minute text conversation about what we've been up to and the pin up art I'm working on, as well as the two jobs that we currently work. This devolved into saying we miss eachother and we hope the other person is happy, as that's all we ever wanted. At this point I call him and ask to be sure where we stood, cause we were friends still and I made it clear that someday I want to date again even if it's not now. I know it's demanding to ask that of him given the short amount of time but he responds as such: He misses me a lot and loves me, but does not love me the same way anymore. He isn't sure what's going to happen down the line for us and that it could go back to a relationship but we need to work on ourselves. He wants me to go to his shows (he's a comedian on top of all of this), and hang out with groups of people but it's too soon for us to hang out by ourselves. My plan is to let him go for now and ask him out for coffee on his birthday in December. That's a little less than 3 months. Is that too soon to figure things out? I know he misses me and he's stated before that our relationship would be better once he drops one of the jobs, which he will in November. How does all this look? Thank you for reading.
geegirl Posted September 15, 2012 Posted September 15, 2012 (edited) Good god. He's cheated several times. He's a sex addict. He solicits your friend. He's on a dating site wanting casual sex and threesomes. And you're asking if in 3 months things will be "figured out"? It's all figured out! Nothing to figure out. This is who he will always be. This is your prize. This is what you will experience again if you go back. Are you really so blind or do you believe this is truly what you deserve and want? It's not love that's making you contemplate second chances. It's your low standards and expectations for yourself and your self-respect that's non-existent. Another thing, an addiction is dealt with because the addict chooses, for themselves and when they're ready to deal and fix themselves. Until that happens, you need to stop focusing on his issues rather yours because there is a disconnect within yourself for choosing to again put yourself in such an unhealthy and destructive situation. Edited September 15, 2012 by geegirl 1
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