dannyhep Posted September 15, 2012 Posted September 15, 2012 My girlfriend broke up with me a month ago because she wanted to feel 'free' and act like a nineteen year old after a 2 and a half year relationship. I am madly in love with her and every morning I find myself in so much pain from missing her. I don't want anything else but her. In 2 days she's coming to the same university that I am at (she chose it because I was coming here, before we had broken up). The thought of her being so close to where I live and the chances of bumping into her terrify me! I don't know what to do I'm just so scared :/. I want her back but she does not reply to my text messages so I take it that she doesn't want me back. Its horrible. Having to feel so heartbroken and having to know she is so close to where I live but not with me. Please give some advice on what I could do. I miss her and want her back but she doesn't want it. Sucks.
Calico Posted September 15, 2012 Posted September 15, 2012 How long since you last sent a text and were ignored?
Author dannyhep Posted September 15, 2012 Author Posted September 15, 2012 Its been two days. I sent her a message 4 days ago telling her how sorry I was :/. I text her two days ago trying to initiate some conversation just saying how I'm winning a game we used to play. She did ring me about a week ago asking if we could be friends but I don't think I couldnt be friends with her just yet. So I said that maybe we could be friends one day but not yet
not-a-drive-by Posted September 15, 2012 Posted September 15, 2012 Its been two days. I sent her a message 4 days ago telling her how sorry I was :/. I text her two days ago trying to initiate some conversation just saying how I'm winning a game we used to play. She did ring me about a week ago asking if we could be friends but I don't think I couldnt be friends with her just yet. So I said that maybe we could be friends one day but not yet I think that "sorry" text threw her off. Just like how me and my ex had a few texts going along fine, and then I stupidly sent a "I miss your company" text. After that text, he never replied. The next day, I sent a simple text asking how his morning was to get some kind of convo going and later in the day another text to apologise for the "miss you" text. No replies. I don't know if he is ignoring my contact now, because he still cares and doesn't want to string me along and to have hope; or simply, he doesn't even want to be friends with me anymore. Only our ex's know .
Author dannyhep Posted September 15, 2012 Author Posted September 15, 2012 Yeh I think that text didn't help. I just felt like I had to tell her I was sorry. I really don't know what to do about this :S
Calico Posted September 15, 2012 Posted September 15, 2012 There's no easy way. It's very fresh still and it will probably get worse before it gets better (it's for me that way, at least). If you are comfortable with the thought that it's over (well, you're not comfortable with it, but can you intellectually accept that the relationship is, at least for now, finished?) and would like to move on, you can try the "no contact" approach. Tarra will hopefully stop by and provide a link to CaliGuy's guide, but in essence it means that you cease contact to your ex (she isn't wanting to hear from you anyway) and avoid everything that reminds you of her or that gives you new material to hurt over (no FB checking, no thinking about the first few months, not keeping around photos (put them in a box), not reading old texts and mails, no masturbating while thinking of her, etc.). What this does is put you in a bubble so that you can start healing. You have to do more than this, though, otherwise it's like laying down in a shower and hoping someone will turn on the water for you and grab the soap on your behalf. No one will, it's your shower. Allow the pain to be (you can't reliably avoid it anyway), let it wash over you -- in fact, dive into it, really feel it rather than trying to fight it --, and consider that it's good that you can feel that way. It means you're a caring person with an open heart, and not some zombie. Cry in the pillow, talk to friends. Stay away from alcohol and such, caffeine too. When you can, think of some of the advantage of the situation. No more worrying about losing her, more freedom to talk to people, the value of being "me" vs. "us", no relationship responsibilities, you can do whatever you want (except the one thing you think you really want!) and so on. You probably don't want any of that, at least not at the moment, but those good sides are nevertheless there. Hold onto them, for the glimpses the last at first. Write them down, if you can, and look at your list when the next wave of pain washes over you and threatens to drown you. Do not contact her, because it will throw you back to the breakup moment and you re-live this all over again. Think (intellectually; you won't feel it at first) about the impermanence of life. That nothing lasts, and that all you ever have is the "now". You can visualize life as a road, and work on "getting" that your ex and what you had together is behind you on that road, not where you are at now. Your life didn't stop. You are surrounded by wonderful things, the endless sky, the sun, the songs of the birds, the breeze of the wind, the many people out there who genuinely care. Those things exist now, and you miss out on their preciousness if you only look back and bemoan what you've lost. That isn't easy, and when you begin, it'll feel fake and like it doesn't help. But your best friend right now is your mind. The heart will not be on the same wavelength and you won't really "feel" any of that yet. But what's your choice? You can't "make" her love you, you can't "make" her want to be with you. You don't want to, either, because it wouldn't be love. So the choice is between accepting and moving forward, or sitting on the road and stop living. It's okay to do the latter for a bit. I often sit down and get stuck for a while. But keep firmly in mind that you will have to get up and move again. The university thing is nasty. Look at it as an added challenge, treat it a little like a game. You're not playing on "easy", not even on "medium", but on "hard" mode. Hey it could be "very hard" mode, so it's manageable, and you could really excel at this. She's no longer with you, she's not next to you on that road. If you see her, think along the lines of, "This is now is a different person. It's not who I fell in love with." It's damn hard and sorry, you'll hurt a lot more before you get better. But you can start healing now or later, but heal, you will. Promise. 2
not-a-drive-by Posted September 15, 2012 Posted September 15, 2012 Yeh I think that text didn't help. I just felt like I had to tell her I was sorry. I really don't know what to do about this :S Well, congratulations. You can now start NC, because if you keep sending her texts she will 1) ignore them 2) push her further away than you like to. And by her ignoring your texts, like my ex did, it should make NC that little bit more easier. Because you can think back to how she didn't respond and the likelihood of being rejected again in the next text, to be quite high. Whether you use this NC to move on (recommended by LS) or to try to get her back (not recommended by LS), is in your hands.
Author dannyhep Posted September 15, 2012 Author Posted September 15, 2012 Thank you so much for this advice. It really does make me feel like I'm not alone. The fact that you guys take the time out of your day to help somebody else in need rekindles my faith in humanity alittle. I'm finding the acceptance part difficult so I'm not allowing myself to start to get over her. I want her back so much that I don't want to accept anything. Is there anything I could do about this? I know if I subconciously accept it then I can start to move on. I'm just clinging onto the memory of her
Calico Posted September 15, 2012 Posted September 15, 2012 I want her back so much that I don't want to accept anything. Is there anything I could do about this? You can start wanting to feel better. But give yourself a little time. It took me at least two weeks to get past the utter shock and complete denial stage where there was simply no way I could accept that it's over. You don't have to rush yourself, you can sit a little here on the road and let your tears flow freely. Crying is really good. Don't worry about it being "un-manly". There is nothing manly about taking it up the arse while smiling. Like I said, allow the pain to be. Don't run from it. You really can't, it'll always catch up with you. Turn around instead and face it, taste it, feel it, dive deeply into it, and see what happens. Have a little spectator in your head that observes. You won't drown, you won't die, you will feel better. Be gentle with yourself and just let it all be. When you're ready to inch a little forward, read my previous post again. Drink lots of plain water, take vitamin B pills, get some magnesium (this really helped me lately, I think).
Author dannyhep Posted September 15, 2012 Author Posted September 15, 2012 Thank you so much for the advice. Ill try my best to follow what you have said. I really appreciate you helping me
JSJS Posted September 15, 2012 Posted September 15, 2012 Get some exercise - you'll feel better and it will help you sleep. Also talk to family or close friends about, they'll not mind hearing you out. Ultimately you will get over it, it will hurt for a while but be strong and if you bump into her stay polite and composed even if you're heart is thumping and your legs are shaking. Don't get drawn into ANY conversation unless you choose to. Good luck!
Author dannyhep Posted September 16, 2012 Author Posted September 16, 2012 So I've just sent her a text. I've texted her telling her that I won't be contacting her so I can move on. Just hope I don't bump into her now
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