jrosie Posted September 15, 2012 Posted September 15, 2012 Alright so I've been seeing this guy for about three weeks. We went to the movies the other day and he took out his student ID to get the student discount. I have a photogenic memory so I memorized his last name. Mainly because I wanted to see if he had a facebook, or a girlfriend. Well yes and no. WOO! So...the cute little curious kitten I am...I googled him. Bad idea. He has a bit of a record, and nothing to just bat an eyelash about. Looks like 12 years ago, while in High school he was playing with a gun his friend had stolen, didn't know it was loaded and accidently shot him, killing him. The judge took mercy on him and saw it just as it was, an accident, and didn't make him do any time, but he was on probation for 4 years and had to go around to all the county schools and talk about gun violence. Now, I'm a very understanding person, but I don't know how to handle this. I've never had to deal with this type of dilemma. I feel like I might have a hard time seeing him in the same light, and I feel sad for him, what he must have had to go through since that day is unthinkable to me. I cried when I was reading the articles. Would you continue to pursue this? I do really like him a lot, and no he hasn't told me about this yet. Curiosity killed the cat I guess. Any advice?
InJest Posted September 15, 2012 Posted September 15, 2012 First off, there's no such thing as a "photogenic" memory. Total photographic or eidetic memory does not exist, and anything close occurs in less than 1% of the population, and is typically accompanied by extraordinary intelligence. You remembered the guy's ****ing last name, get over yourself. I know all 350 phone numbers in my contact list, as well as the IP addresses, MAC addresses, and locations to just under 100 computers around the world that I use. Even so, my memory is not photographic. Now, what is your dilemma? The guy accidentally shot his friend 12 years ago. Can you accept this or can you not accept this? You should decide before you go any further.
carhill Posted September 15, 2012 Posted September 15, 2012 Tell him you're considering getting a gun for protection and ask him how he feels about guns and if he's had any experience with them in the past. Listen. 1
somedude81 Posted September 15, 2012 Posted September 15, 2012 Your memory appears aesthetically or physically attractive or appealing in photographs? Awesome, mine too. One thing for sure, you don't have a photographic memory or else you would know the proper term to use.
veggirl Posted September 15, 2012 Posted September 15, 2012 You guys are mean, geesh she misused one word. Life will go on. OP, that is NUTS. I would be shell-shocked to find that I think. I'm not sure how I react. I'm not sure it's appropriate for you to ask about it or hint around to see if he shares it with you. That is a VERY big deal and very personal. That's horrible to go through, and you clearly saw it was an accidental shot and whatnot, he was a high schooler, etc. I wouldn't not date him because of this but I would be weirded out just because it's such a bizarre thing - I mean I know it happens probably quite often (accidental shots) but you don't really expect to encounter someone who has been in his situation. I would not worry that he hasn't told you yet, again it's a terrible thing to go through and probably not something he runs around telling people. It's awkward though now that you found out on your own. I'm torn on whether or not you should tell him you know tbh, it seems like one of those things that people need to share on their own time but then again it's not like the info isn't open to the public. Weird. Anyway, I don't think this needs to be a dealbreaker. 1
FitChick Posted September 15, 2012 Posted September 15, 2012 He was a kid. It was an accident. He paid a heavy emotional price. He probably is a much better person than he might have been as a result because he knows the value of human life and how life can change in an instant forever. Don't say anything and let him reveal himself to you in his own time.
AlexCross Posted September 15, 2012 Posted September 15, 2012 I think you need not approach him in a matter of fact way. Yes, you googled him. You are one of those types of girls. Yes, he accidentally killed his friend (an extreme tragedy) and I can surmise that he suffered emotionally for his actions, albeit it was accidental, I am sure it took some therapy and some help to get over. A court of law found him not to be a violent offender, hence gave him probabation in lieu of incarceration. He was most likely charged with involuntary manslaughter depending on the state. This situation may be a very touchy subject to an individual, but it is not so much different then vehicular manslaughter which is when you are driving a car and get into an accident resulting in a fatality. Only you can put this in perspective and see if you feel comfortable proceeding. I wouldn't poke and prod, but I would subtly ask him how he feels about the Trayvon Martin case, and gun laws. And if he brings this up, which might be quite emotional for him, gauge his response, read his body language. If he talks about it an emotional, remorseful way then I think you should give him a chance, if he talks about it non chalantly in a matter of fact way, then I would be concerned.
Author jrosie Posted September 15, 2012 Author Posted September 15, 2012 Thank you so much to the people who responded, and didn't hold my "photographic memory" statement against me. How rude, and for no reason. All I was saying was that I can still literally see the id in my head. Sheesh, anyway. In response to Veggirl, I was totally shell shocked. I felt horrible for looking him up, I felt horrible for him. We went out today, and had a great time. He's so sweet and I felt like maybe if I told him how my Dad passed away (It was very tragic also. I suffered from PTSD for almost a year after, still dealing with it, but not nearly as bad as it was.) he would feel more comfortable and feel like when the time was ready he could be as open and honest with me about the whole situation. I could see the wheels turning in his head while I was telling him about my Dad. His face looked to be reading should I tell her? Don't tell her...you should tell her...don't tell her. At the end of my story he hugged me, kissed me numerous times, and held my hand. He then continued to tell me that he has made a lot of mistakes in his life and people are not without them. He has done a lot of bad things in his life, but they have only made him wiser and stronger. He then said we have a lot in common, a lot more than I'd think. (No, I did not accidently kill my Dad, but I did have to sign the DNR.) Knowing what I know and what I've told him about my Dad I feel more comfortable with him. Watching him go through what he was going through in his head made me feel crappy though, because I knew what he was thinking about. In response to carhill, we have had the discussion about me getting a gun, I'm a single female living on my own in a nice neighborhood, he said I should definitely get a gun for my safety. He said that he knew a good place to get guns and go for lessons, but never said that he would actually go with me. Does this mean he can't legally handle one? Also, what if he were to never tell me about this? Eventually I'm going to find out his last name, one way or another, do I bring it up? Furthermore, if he does tell me, I'm a little afraid my reaction isn't going to be what it should be, because I already know. Would saying, "I know." calmly, accepting, and understandingly be appropriate? Or just act like I never knew? Thank you all for your kind words. I just needed to hear some other opinions, because I'm new to the city my mom lives in, and if I told her about this she would tell me that he was a horrible person and get a restraining order. She isn't very understanding.
carhill Posted September 15, 2012 Posted September 15, 2012 He said that he knew a good place to get guns and go for lessons, but never said that he would actually go with me. Does this mean he can't legally handle one? 'Really. Cool. How did you come to know about this place? Have you ever owned a gun? Taken lessons? I'd really like for you to come with me and give me advice when I go shopping.' Listen. IMO, the important aspect is to see who he is in the here and now. This takes time and interaction. Everyone has a past and everyone's past is different. Also, what if he were to never tell me about this? Eventually I'm going to find out his last name, one way or another, do I bring it up? That's his choice. I'm a bit confused about the last name part, since I presumed you had his last name in order to do the court research. Perhaps you can clarify that. In any event, if the information is confirmed, I think it's worth a serious discussion if/when a serious commitment is contemplated. IME, this would come when getting to know each other's friends/families/social circles. I'm sure his history, if accurate, isn't a secret amongst his family/social circle. I'd look at the totality of the situation if/when getting there. For now, treat it like getting to know, which you are. Disclosure is a process..
yongyong Posted September 15, 2012 Posted September 15, 2012 It depends on if you want to be his therapist (if he still carries a trauma) Let's say this girl was raped or was in a horrific accident. it wasn't her fault at all. I just met her and I realized she still had a mental baggage from it. Should I choose to be a supporter or just find a mentally healthy girl? I think I will drop her because I am not/shouldn't be that desperate and it's not my business to deal with such past.
Author jrosie Posted September 15, 2012 Author Posted September 15, 2012 That's his choice. I'm a bit confused about the last name part, since I presumed you had his last name in order to do the court research. Perhaps you can clarify that. We haven't really shared that information. I saw his last name on his school ID and memorized it. He was on the phone today too and said his full name into a voicemail (he's interested in renting out a small warehouse, saw a number on a sign and gave them a call.) But I've never asked him what his last name was, nor has he said "Hey! btw this is my full name...start writing it in little hearts on your binder babe!" I don't recall ever telling him my full name either. Although I have my Dad's old work ID in my kitchen with his full name on it. But my last name is really crazy and long, so I don't know if he knows how to spell it, how to pronounce it, or even if he noticed. Thanks for the advice about the gun, I'm definitely going to work that into the conversation the next time I see him.
Balzac Posted September 15, 2012 Posted September 15, 2012 Interesting story. Seems this guy was over the age of juvenile court, such sentences are sealed. I am curious if alcohol was involved in the accident? Good luck with your coming to terms with this knowledge.
Author jrosie Posted September 15, 2012 Author Posted September 15, 2012 Interesting story. Seems this guy was over the age of juvenile court, such sentences are sealed. I am curious if alcohol was involved in the accident? Good luck with your coming to terms with this knowledge. Thank you for the luck, He was 17 when it happened, it was in the newspapers so I was finding old newspaper articles. No alcohol involved. It was in the morning on a school day, in the school's parking lot.
Balzac Posted September 15, 2012 Posted September 15, 2012 A tragic and very public crime. In all honesty, he should hold every expectation that you know. I'm not understanding your guilt regarding a Google search. Such an action is benign and common. Your shock at the resulting information must have brought many questions of ethics to your mind. I cannot imagine a friendship of any length where you would avoid a compassionate reveal of what you know.
kaylan Posted September 16, 2012 Posted September 16, 2012 (edited) Id bail OP. Too much drama for me. Even if it was an accident, someone who was stupid enough to play with a gun, and then dumb enough to accidentally take a life, is not someone I could be with. Because I take life seriously and know precious life shouldnt be fooled around with. Plus as someone previously mentioned, Id be worried about the mental baggage. He may be a good dude, but thats too deep for me. Edited September 16, 2012 by kaylan
SJC2008 Posted September 16, 2012 Posted September 16, 2012 Everyone says you can find anything about someone on google. I can't find crap about me, let alone a background check. Did you pay for this info?? As to whether to date him or not. The felony will limit his job opportunites (unless it was exponged) so keep that in mind if you're looking for something serious that could lead to marriage.
kaylan Posted September 16, 2012 Posted September 16, 2012 Usually you wouldnt have to pay for info that was in the local papers. Stuff like that shows up online all the time. However, if a crime hasnt been committed, they typically withold the names of minors...and if he was in high school, how in the world is his name in news stories? I mean he wasnt found to be liable in a criminal act.
Balzac Posted September 16, 2012 Posted September 16, 2012 Gun on school property. Juvie may have waived him up to adult status, it's common. 1
CptObvious Posted September 16, 2012 Posted September 16, 2012 I'd leave him because he's obviously too stupid to get rid of the body. What kind of a moron settles for 4 years of probation?
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